Panicking about finances post break up

[VespaBlue]

Hi, after years in a dysfunctional and deeply unhappy relationship, I finally told DP I want to separate. My fear has always been that in breaking up the relationship I am hurting the kids, my actions are selfish etc but over time I’ve come to realise that growing up in a home where parents can’t get along, show a lack of respect for one another - that is deeply harmful in itself.
We have two DCs (6&9) and he has shown very little interest in caring for them on a day to day basis. He is now saying he wants 50/50 custody which has come as a massive shock to me and would mean I wouldn’t receive any child maintenance from him. I am also tied up in knots about being away from the kids half the week, esp as I have done 99% of the caring since they were born. I am also concerned about his ability to parent to a decent standard half of the time.
We currently live in a rented property which he will stay in. I will look for a flat close by so schools, friends etc won’t be affected.
Since speaking with DP, a huge weight has lifted but I am panicking now about how I can survive financially. We live in London and I work as a teacher, but I am newly qualified and my take home pay is £2400 pcm. 2 bed flats locally go for £2k plus per month. I believe I may be entitled to some UC but is this a dead cert, or might they refuse my application? I have no savings and don’t own any property.
Apologies for the brain dump. I’m relieved to be at a point where I have finally spoken to DP and got the ball rolling but the 50/50 custody and lack of financial security are keeping me up at night. Any words of advice gratefully received.
Thank you

I got a zero hours contract job and worked solid for a month, I told ex he needs to look after ds whilst I work if he wants me to leave the house first, then I went back to viewing rentals and used my new income! I got accepted and claimed UC once I moved in, I didn't even tell my estate agent. I've got two contracted jobs now but zero hours was very good for that initial boost in wages and I didn't have to mess an employer around when I could no longer do the hours. If you can boost your wages tutoring then I'd definitely do that. You will get a much better reception from estate agents. I used to offer 6 months rent upfront but they still didn't want to know! It very nearly zapped my confidence in living alone.

Also do you have anybody that can be a guarantor for your rent? If you sense them being a bit uneasy about your income then suggest a guarantor if you have one. Unfortunately my parents didn't earn enough to do it for me.

50:50 means he has to pay for half of all the childcare, school uniform, clothing, lunches, childcare coverage, even toothbrushes. He has to cover sick days. He has to ferry children to activities. It may work out cheaper than receiving maintenance if you actually set boundaries and make him actually cover his responsibilities

50:50 means he has to pay for half of all the childcare

Only if he chooses to use it, on his time. Dfriend has to cover all the before and after school care, as ex either collects himself or his DM helps out. Lots of people seem to spring up to help out the ‘single dad’

The reason he wants them 50\50 is because he doesn’t want to pay child maintenance . I’m not sure what his working hours are but make sure you do not accept having them any half days as he will be expecting you to cover his childcare almost 100% . Let him have to pay childcare his days and he will I’ll son give up in the idea . I see this at work all the time

Go on entitled to website and put your details in. No doubt he’s only wanting 50-50 to save paying maintenance. Can he collect after school / drop off etc on his days?

I thought this but have been advised that it’s wrong and you don’t have to pay anything if it’s 50-50 as someone in a group I’m in has helped people appeal against it and won. So no you won’t be able to, but the entitled to website calculator I found accurate

@gertrudemortimer I wonder what they have against paying a few months upfront. That’s annoying. My parents are retired but own a house outright. Not sure if that would work for guarantor?

@Zanatdy He can drop them which he does currently as I have to be at work early but he’d struggle with picking them up. I’d rather they weren’t in after school club until 6 but guess that’s not my call on his days 😞

@Zanatdy Also good to know that the Entitledto website is accurate.

I don’t think that works. My sister was rejected as a guarantor for her son and his wife because she didn’t earn enough - despite working full time. She also owns her house outright.

My brothers wife has a 12 year old, and since she was 1 she has had 4 days with her, and 4 days with dad, and they do this consistently. so it can work as they've come to that agreement together!

Hope you work it all out, and though it's tough now, you've done the best thing for your children! ❤️

@Pacifybull Thanks. Good to know. It’s impossible. The flats I’ve looked at ask for 30 x the monthly rent as a salary for tenant or guarantor. £2200 x 30 = £66k.

How do private renters who use UC as salary top up do it?!

@chocolatelover91 Thank you so much for your comment. It’s exactly what I need to hear. I’m constantly second guessing myself. Feels like such a fundamental failing as a parent.

Don't be daft! You did what you felt was right. The children would only suffer in the long run! Just take it a day at a time now OP. ❤️

@VespaBlue I genuinely don't know how they do it. Perhaps the rental market wasn't as cut throat for them as it is now. Or they were already in full receipt of UC when they got a rental alone.

I think landlords just prefer two working adults without children and as there are so many of them going for the same houses as us then why not choose them.

Also just to add some positivity when I lived with my ex I had no money, no freedom, catering for him and his 'important work'. I couldn't even afford the dentist or a haircut. Now I have freedom, I have friends again, I have a lovely boyfriend whose socks I don't have to wash, food I don't have to cook, furniture I've chosen, I only buy for my own parents at Xmas and birthdays! I have more money disposable income than I ever had with him and we are ALL happier too.

Meanwhile keep a record of everything you are doing (rather than him doing) for the kids. Have a bit of a paper trail for that

I can virtually guarantee you he will do nothing like 50/50. I'd almost put my life savings on it.

It's what arseholes say to intimidate good mothers. He either has absolutely no intention, and just likes being a prick to make you feel insecure (working isn't it) or he's furious at the idea you get "paid" CMS by him, and is blustering about 50/50 to keep his wallet clamped shut... But this will last under a month when he realises he can't actually look after his own children and do everything his very important self deserves to do.

Haven't rtft but rather than pondering what you might get, what haven't you just done a benefits calculator?

It's usually because they need to be able to reference you based on your salary, so they know that once that initial 6 months rent expires you won't fall into arrears.

Most tenancies are 12 months, and the tenant has a right to renew, evicting a tenant in arrears can cost several thousands of pounds and landlords are becoming increasingly concerned (therefore picky).

Have you spoken with any letting agents yet? Also bear in mind that even if you did stay in the same flat, your DH would likely want to be removed from the contract which usually requires you to be referred alone before they make any changes.

This.

Many many father imagine that they will have the kids on days that suit them, from 6pm onwards. That you ( the mother ) will pick them up after school, do their homework, feed them dinner then pack a bag with their clean pyjamas, school uninform and packed lunch for the next day at school.

They think that on school holidays YOU will take days off to have the children and they will still pick up at 6pm.

Then they discover that they need to do everything from ( for example ) 8am on Friday until 8pm on a Monday. Even if it’s school holidays / they are sick / the child is sick.

Including buying food, cooking meals, doing laundry, birthday parties/ play Dates/ football training etc . Even when it doesn’t suit.

Most of them bail within days not weeks.

Referenced alone, sorry.

If you're a teacher - point out to him that the school holidays are 13 weeks - and therefore 50/50 means he will be fully responsible for his children for 6.5 weeks of the year. Plus half of all inset days.

He probably hasn't figured this one out yet!

They all want 50/50 once they realise it means they don't have to pay maintenance. My ex insisted he wanted it but doesn't actually have them at all in the holidays 🙄.

My ex didn't get it (he had barely spent time with the children before we split) but I did use the time they were with him to work a lot of overtime. Could you do marking or tutoring on those evenings?

Also check entitledto.com for any benefits you may get.

Why are you moving out? Why can't he?