Panicking about finances post break up

[VespaBlue]

Hi, after years in a dysfunctional and deeply unhappy relationship, I finally told DP I want to separate. My fear has always been that in breaking up the relationship I am hurting the kids, my actions are selfish etc but over time I’ve come to realise that growing up in a home where parents can’t get along, show a lack of respect for one another - that is deeply harmful in itself.
We have two DCs (6&9) and he has shown very little interest in caring for them on a day to day basis. He is now saying he wants 50/50 custody which has come as a massive shock to me and would mean I wouldn’t receive any child maintenance from him. I am also tied up in knots about being away from the kids half the week, esp as I have done 99% of the caring since they were born. I am also concerned about his ability to parent to a decent standard half of the time.
We currently live in a rented property which he will stay in. I will look for a flat close by so schools, friends etc won’t be affected.
Since speaking with DP, a huge weight has lifted but I am panicking now about how I can survive financially. We live in London and I work as a teacher, but I am newly qualified and my take home pay is £2400 pcm. 2 bed flats locally go for £2k plus per month. I believe I may be entitled to some UC but is this a dead cert, or might they refuse my application? I have no savings and don’t own any property.
Apologies for the brain dump. I’m relieved to be at a point where I have finally spoken to DP and got the ball rolling but the 50/50 custody and lack of financial security are keeping me up at night. Any words of advice gratefully received.
Thank you

Can you not stay in the rented place you are now in? I know you said you don’t want to, but maybe it’s easier if the OH moves out.

When you moved into your current place, who paid the deposit for that?

I assume that is because the other parent is not available. I hate it when DC are farmed out elsewhere when they have a parent that could look after them

Yeah don’t offer any assistance with that. It’s up to him to sort that. My ex wanted 50-50 too, but he couldn’t make it home before nursery and after school club closed some days, so I ended up going to collect. And on a Friday he said our DS would have to stop beavers, so I ended up agreeing to pick up, take to beavers and take them to his house (old family home) and wait until he got home, usually after 7. I did it for the kids but I shouldn’t have really

@gertrudemortimer It looks like the rental market in London has slowed down as lots of places are being reduced and hanging around on Rightmove for weeks so that should work in my favour.
Thanks for posting about what your life looks like now vs old life. This is exactly the kind of thing I need to hear right now.

Nothing to do with the other parent; as other posters have advised - other parent regularly told not to step in and help.

@ElevenSeven sorry I meant when they demand 50/50 but then constantly farm out the kids to a third party rather than admitting they can't do 50/50 and the other parent being able to have the children more

You could ask the agents if they’d allow that. It’s really tough, I just about qualified when I rented my first rented house post split. Even for the flat I’m in now I only just qualified and I’m in on a fairly decent salary. Trying to buy but again in the south east it’s just so hard

@WillYouPutYourCoatOn You're probably right re his reasons for claiming to want 50/50 custody. It’s a control tactic and it has the desired effect. Re benefits calculators, I’ve heard they can be wildly inaccurate although I’ve input my details into a couple and come out with a similar figure.

@Zanatdy The housing market is ridiculous. I’m hoping to get a shared ownership place in a couple of years when my salary has increased a bit and everything has settled down.

@VespaBlue no problem at all I really wish you all of the luck in the world!

Fingers crossed the interest rate will have dropped by then as when I started saving my deposit v 4yrs later it was nearly double the monthly repayments for what I needed to borrow. I’m deciding whether to buy a flat or wait 2yrs and move back north (when youngest child is 18 and goes off to Uni)

@VespaBlue

The rental market in London is difficult no matter how you look at it. And landlords do not like UC, so disclosing it is not in your favour.

So i would really try to negotiate with your partner and stay in current place - as he’ll have less issues renting.
Or - if your parents can guarantee/ or can maybe loan you money so you can pre-pay for several months - could be another option.
I think in London with 2 kids you’ll get something like allowance of £1900 towards rent, plus something for the kids - but of course there will be an adjustment down from your salary.

You should register for UC now, as you are, so that you are in a system. And add housing claim as and when you sort it out.

@jsku Thank you. Good advice. Borrowing money for a few months rent is an option. Not sure if guarantors have to meet salary requirements or if owning a house is enough…
I will look at applying for UC now too.

It depends on how much he earns. If he has a very high income, this is possible. Otherwise it’s not a viable route to go down. A solicitor will advise.

A 50:50 co parenting arrangement means 50% of time AND costs. Thats why no child support is payable. Unless he has a huge salary and is very rich.

It’s perfectly plausible for a father to adapt to a 50:50 shared parenting arrangement. And it’s a good thing too if done properly. But it comes with costs and responsibilities that may well exceed what a father can would pay in child support and not give them anymore time with the children because they are in child care. In expressing a desire to do 50:50 he isn’t being nasty. He might be being unrealistic and there are ways to point this out.

The guarantor will usually also go through references, yes. It's worth speaking to some local agents, and see what their processes are.

Be aware that if you are using income from UC to bump up your affordability, hiding this would be difficult. The referencing company will verify your salary, and ask for proof of any additional income. Please don't lie on application forms as you are much more likely to be rejected that way, and find yourself in breach of your contract.

I share 50/50 with my ex. He is also a higher earner so I claim child benefit money. I also get a little bit of UC I don’t get any maintenance. I would say he buys most of their clothes and splurges on holidays. I pay for all activities and school uniform. Kids are happy but are very involved in choosing where to go. I think we are very focused on what is best for dc rather than point scoring off each other generally. I do an extra job on top of full time one whilst he has the kids and that extra £500 a month makes the difference to me financially.

@FuckinghellthatsUnbelievable Thanks for sharing. I am determined to put needs of DCs first in all this and I think DP is too. It’s taken some time for it all to sink in with him as it’s my decision to split which is understandable. I’m not sure if 50/50 will be possible at this point, given how much he works and how little experience he has of day to day care but who knows, it might be the push he needs to finally step up. If not then I will be more than happy to have the kids for a higher percentage of the time.

@LemonTT Thanks. I think you’re right. As bad as our relationship has been over the past couple of years, I don’t think he saw this coming. I think his wanting 50/50 custody might be a knee jerk reaction and desire to keep some control over the situation. Hopefully over the next few weeks we can talk properly about what is realistic and best for the kids. It would be good to see him pulling his weight more now so he can get used to taking care of the kids and all that is involved, not rolling in at 7.30 once they’re already in bed.

I would say we don’t stick to 50/50 religiously there is flexibility. Kids and work are priorities. I think it’d be harder If either of us had new partners. I think he’d be very snippy about having the dc if I was dating or away for a night/ weekend.

@VespaBlue

I also wanted to add - whatever child arrangements you agree to right now - they will change as time goes along. Both because your end Ex’s life circumstances will evolve/change and because as kids grow up their needs and preferences will change.

Your Ex may be scared that unless he has them 50% he’ll ‘lose then’. But as you all adjust he may realise that it’s not the amount of time necessarily, but quality time that matters. Etc.

Make sure he understands what 50/50 means. He must buy everything the kids need like clothes, shoes, uniform and he is responsible for whole days including 13 weeks of school holidays. What I mean is, he can’t pick up the kids at 6pm so he has “his night”. He is responsible from say 7am on his days including INSET and school holidays (13 weeks) and needs to pay for wrap around if he’s working. Don’t be a mug who looks after the kids during half term as you’re home anyway and let him pick them up after work so he can avoid childcare fees.

make sure that he know that child care on his days is totally his cost to bear and arrangement to make (eg if you have afterschool club on your days make sure you are only paying for your days and he doesnt say he will pay you back for his days) highlight that in school holidays he will need to arrange holiday clubs or take annual leave on his days.

list all the things he will have to pay 50/50 for, clothes, school meals, uniform, extra curricular activities, birthday parties, etc.

Make sure you get every other weekend too. That’s time for the kids to chill with you or see your side of the family, go to parties etc

If you currently do the drop offs pick ups and their dinners it's likely you'd get more than 50/50