My relationship with (believed) autistic DH is over and I don't know how to feel

[itsfinallyover]

Been with my husband almost 20 years, he's in the process of being assessed for autism but waiting lists are long.

I have a disability myself, I am not here to autism-bash, but would really appreciate speaking to anyone else who has been through similar.

When I met him we were early 20s and full of energy. He was always introverted, but open to new experiences.

Having kids seem to really beat it out of him, he is his own entire world, he wakes up in the morning and thinks of himself. Never able to put himself in other's shoes, which I get does not come naturally to him. But also never, ever wants to try.

My poor kids are teens now and don't see him as a parent, they say he lives in his own bubble.

Things got dramatically worse since lockdown. He moved to working full time from home. Never left the house. No hobbies. Not interested in engaging with DC and became actively snappy and rude with them all the time.

Never took any feedback on any of this, just gaslighted and would say 'you do that, too' if I raised anything.

Every single evening he came downstairs and watched the same shows on repeat, a ridiculous volume through to speaker system he had set up in our lounge to suit him. It was like his own private cinema room. Except it was supposed to be our family lounge. No one could go in there. I told him so many times how awful it was for us, he'd wear headphones for a few days then go back to it.

Didn't come to be because half the time he'd pass out drunk in front of the telly. Lived in his own little world.

All came to a head when eldest (16) said she hated living with him and her (diagnosed) anxiety was because he was so intolerable to live with.

I asked him to leave, he tried to fight it making empty promises about all the ways he would change - all the things I'd been asking him to change for years, that he would just ignore. Simple things like doing an activity with the kids or turning the TV off and letting someone else use the lounge.

How his behaviour has affected the kids is the final straw so I said no.

He now lives peacefully in his own little house. Has given up drinking, looks after himself, cooks healthy food and cleans. All the stuff he wouldn't do for his family. Doesn't have regular contact with the kids, sees them as and when it suits himself. Which is pretty much never. Still can't be bothered to plan in quality time.

I'm 45, facing the rest of my life alone (I have no family except the kids), raising two (probably autistic, one is being assessor the other doesn't want to) teens and wondering how the hell I ended up here.

I realise he was autistic about ten years ago and made so many allowances for it and bent myself in so many difficult ways in order to not stress him.

I don't know what to make of how things have ended. Just feel numb.

Can't ever conceive of another relationship. There seems no point, I'll only be let down again.

You sound very defeated at the moment, but given time that will pass. You still have lots of life to live and a house full of teenagers. I bet that is a joy and terror all in itself! Could you look into getting some form of counselling so you can process what has happened?

Thank you @Springcleaninginsummer I do think counselling would be helpful. I'm just not convinced I'd get a counsellor who genuinely understands autism (I'd have to go through my health insurance and I think they just allocate one)

Really posting to see if there is anyone here who has experience of being in a relationship like this.

Hopeful bump

You sound utterly traumatised by your marriage OP, but congratulations on ending it and at least taking that first step to getting your life on track and creating a peaceful home for yourself and your two DC.

I second therapy. I cannot recommend it enough. You need to heal, you need to be heard and you need to talk through and work through what has happened to you. There is hope and there is a happy future out there for you, but I think you have a lot of healing to do before you can move forward with confidence to find it. Best of luck to you - and please don't feel hopeless. This is genuinely a time to feel hopeful and I think with time you'll see that

I think you need to find yourself now. Your kids are older so need less input from you, therapy will help but what do you do for you. What hobbies do you have, friends to see etc. you need to try and let go of the resentment you feel towards him and focus on making you happy. Hopefully in the not to distant future you will also be living a happy peaceful life.

Thank you.

I don't feel any resentment towards him. Just deep, utter sadness. Plus regret that I kept going when it was a lost cause.

One of my DC is homeschooled, the other comes home regularly with panic attacks. I don't have a lot in the way of freedom from my teens, unfortunately.

I think I'm going to ask for the thread to be deleted. I really appreciate that people have taken the time to reply, but I posted mistakenly looking for empathy and I can see that people only want to offer advice.

Try not to worry too much about whether the counsellor understands autism. Your counsellor will be there to support you. I had a counsellor who told me upfront she didn't know anything about autism so couldn't give me specific advice about it, but she was happy for me to tell her about my relative's autism and how I managed it and how it affected me and we worked out strategies together. Worked out very well!

Take care of yourself, hope things get better for you.

Total empathy from me, no advice. I know this doesn't help, but it's reassuring to read that someone else's dh thinks it's fine to inflict his tv on the whole house and cannot see that this drives everyone up the wall. I thought this was just my house. I think he's autistic too.
I also want him to leave, but am stuck feeling guilt and sadness and so I leave it and leave it..... I know how you feel OP.

Thank you. I hate to hear that you're going through that as well. I always just played it down as it's only a TV, right?

But it's the domination of it, the noise, the being pushed out WHILST at the same time everyone else having to be on tenterhooks around him because he is so noise-sensitive himself? It just baffled me that we were expected to not make any noise while we all had to listen to battle sounds loud enough to shake the walls and that was ok?

To a certain extent I get that empathy is hard. But really?

For me, the hardest part to unpick is what is autism and can't be helped and what is utter selfishness.

I have so much sympathy for you. You've done what you considered the best for everyone for years, and you're left wondering why he couldn't have accommodated you even in little things.

I lived with an abusive H who - among many other behaviors - used to actually square up to me aggressively if our paths crossed in the house. The day he made a confession of infidelity to me all that stopped. I had never even brought up the squaring up because all I got was deflection and gaslighting when I tried to explain to him what civil behaviour consisted of. It showed me that he knew what he was doing, and he did it on purpose. Another thing that blew my mind was the state of the apartments he lived in after we separated. He has been incredibly critical of me over the years, complaining about dirt, untidyness, the way I left spices and herbs on the counter beside the hob when I was cooking, everything that went wrong with the kids was my fault... If he ever cleaned, he did it aggressively, cursing under his breath, whacking the hoover around, etc. His own homes after we separated were pigstyes. It was shocking to me that it was all an act, it was all just a handy stick to beat me with. The experience of being so devalued as a human being did a number on my sense of self worth. It took a lot of therapy for me to gain a semblance of recovery. Time played its part too.

I don't think you need to unpick the autism from the selfish behaviour. Autism is a spectrum, and having autism doesn't mean you can't be genuinely abusive, narcissistic, selfish, etc.

The bottom line is that you lived with a dominator, a man who paid no attention to your wants or needs or those of his own children, who drank to excess, and I think you could do the Freedom Programme and benefit from it. Or - don't say wtf? - Al Anon. Codependency will complicate your recovery from the stressful situation you have endured.

Wishing you well. Forty five is no age.

You aren’t alone, trust me. We’re over here: https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/4904334-married-to-someone-with-aspergersasd-support-thread-9

I have been through similar, apart from I feel liberated and free and very grateful to no longer be living in such a tense atmosphere. I came to terms with the fact that I might be alone forever when I decided to leave him and for me that is preferable, although I have been seeing someone and it’s nice and so so different in terms of emotional connection and support.

The collateral damage is the kids, 2 out of 3 diagnosed autistic. I’m sad where we ended up but do not and will not take on sole responsibility and guilt for that. He too changed over the years and I couldn’t tolerate continuing. They’re happy not to be living with him anymore but grumble about seeing him without me present

I totally get you OP. I have just separated from my partner who I am sure is autistic, behaves in the same ways as you describe, having a child has really highlighted this. He just can't seem to think of another person's needs without being prompted, he doesn't really consider others and he lacks empathy. I have to constantly remind him DC is only 3 as he communicates with her as if she's an adult on the same level as him. I see you don't want advice and I have none anyway, so just a hand hold and I understand some of what you have experienced. It's a very lonely place.

You're absolutely right @itsfinallyover it's a fine line between they can't help it / they're being an arse. I find myself making excuses for his arsey behaviour all the time and I probably shouldn't.

The thing with the tv, he puts on a radio podcast thing ffs, not even a tv show. The one tv in the house, in the living room where we all are, and this is dominating everything as you say. Every bloody evening. I even now sit on a beanbag as I can't get on the sofa when I am in the living room. Otherwise I just go somewhere else in the house.

The whole thing is exhausting.

I'm so sorry to read this, it sounds so horrible. I was not allowed to be in the kitchen when H was doing anything or he would huff and puff and bang things angrily because HE WAS HERE FIRST.

Sometimes when he came in the kitchen while I was doing something I'd point out that he would be livid if I was doing what he was doing. He just shrugged it off. Nothing sank in.

I feel relieved that he's gone, but also at a loss as to what the point of romantic relationships are supposed to bring. I will look at the freedom programme, thank you, I had loads of therapy due to coming from an abusive home (nc now) it helped but also something about that caring therapeutic relationship was too much for me. I've never had a it from a parent or a partner, it feels odd paying for it.

Thank you so much!

Your story is really helpful, thank you. I'm sorry to hear how it's affected your kids. You sound like you have exactly the right mindset.

This is so sad, I'm sorry to hear it. I hope you manage to get free, it's so painful with children involved.

Urgh, the podcast thing is so selfish!!! He really could wear headphones!! No need to even put it on the TV.

I always used to excuse husband's lack of empathy by thinking he did care but lacked the ability to put himself in other's shoes.

But he did things that he KNEW were upsetting us. Just genuinely didn't give a damn.

Please don't see this as the end, see it as the beginning of the rest of your life, full of amazing possibilities. It's 5 years since I split from my exh who is uncannily similar, and I'm about to marry again ... something I couldn't even imagine 5 years ago.

I have an autistic dc, and they are now nearly independent too, something that didn't seem possible 5 years ago

Thank you, that's really nice to hear ☺️congratulations on your wedding.

This is a much needed lovely spark of inspiration @mobogogi !

Be strong OP, and just a warning for the divorce/separation process if your H is anything like mine. He has enormous potential for spite and vitriol as he can’t handle not being in control of the process/me and is very black and white in his thinking about money and how things should be divided. No one can tell him, he knows better than everyone even mediators and solicitors, and he doesn’t care what they think. He’s so hard to deal with but it will be worth it in the end

Empathy and understanding from me - also bent out of shape and permanently damaged and exhausted by very similar.