My relationship with (believed) autistic DH is over and I don't know how to feel

[itsfinallyover]

Been with my husband almost 20 years, he's in the process of being assessed for autism but waiting lists are long.

I have a disability myself, I am not here to autism-bash, but would really appreciate speaking to anyone else who has been through similar.

When I met him we were early 20s and full of energy. He was always introverted, but open to new experiences.

Having kids seem to really beat it out of him, he is his own entire world, he wakes up in the morning and thinks of himself. Never able to put himself in other's shoes, which I get does not come naturally to him. But also never, ever wants to try.

My poor kids are teens now and don't see him as a parent, they say he lives in his own bubble.

Things got dramatically worse since lockdown. He moved to working full time from home. Never left the house. No hobbies. Not interested in engaging with DC and became actively snappy and rude with them all the time.

Never took any feedback on any of this, just gaslighted and would say 'you do that, too' if I raised anything.

Every single evening he came downstairs and watched the same shows on repeat, a ridiculous volume through to speaker system he had set up in our lounge to suit him. It was like his own private cinema room. Except it was supposed to be our family lounge. No one could go in there. I told him so many times how awful it was for us, he'd wear headphones for a few days then go back to it.

Didn't come to be because half the time he'd pass out drunk in front of the telly. Lived in his own little world.

All came to a head when eldest (16) said she hated living with him and her (diagnosed) anxiety was because he was so intolerable to live with.

I asked him to leave, he tried to fight it making empty promises about all the ways he would change - all the things I'd been asking him to change for years, that he would just ignore. Simple things like doing an activity with the kids or turning the TV off and letting someone else use the lounge.

How his behaviour has affected the kids is the final straw so I said no.

He now lives peacefully in his own little house. Has given up drinking, looks after himself, cooks healthy food and cleans. All the stuff he wouldn't do for his family. Doesn't have regular contact with the kids, sees them as and when it suits himself. Which is pretty much never. Still can't be bothered to plan in quality time.

I'm 45, facing the rest of my life alone (I have no family except the kids), raising two (probably autistic, one is being assessor the other doesn't want to) teens and wondering how the hell I ended up here.

I realise he was autistic about ten years ago and made so many allowances for it and bent myself in so many difficult ways in order to not stress him.

I don't know what to make of how things have ended. Just feel numb.

Can't ever conceive of another relationship. There seems no point, I'll only be let down again.

Yes very similar here.

My teens are now through the worst - the more time they spent away from him, and the promise they would always have a home with me went a long way.

We all had a really tough couple of years though so sending hugs.

Look after yourself.

Therapy does help. Really can't recommend it enough.

OP you've described my H. I also want to break up but have just lost my job as have to care for DC (13, autism, no school and 14, OCD, no school).
I really feel for you.
Your post helps me feel less alone.

I can relate to your situation with regard to husband, relationship, children etc. Many similarities however one major difference is that my husband has a good relationship with our children (less so when they were young but he relates to them very well now they're teens) He also more than pulls his weight around the house, hence we're still married and our home is a happy one.

However there is no intimacy between us, my husband isn't interested. Nor is he interested in my life, conversation with me etc, nothing. His life is work and our shared responsibilities - there simply is nothing beyond that and it's lonely. But I have own interests and friends and have started to see a life beyond - the children will have their own lives soon enough and so must I. My husband is a good man but this isn't what I signed up for. Get out there OP, find things you want to do, have fun and you will meet other people.

Thank you for this post. I think you've pretty much described my marriage before Covid hit, it was bearable then as he was out of the house a lot 😬

I think I would have continued in it if it hadn't deteriorated so badly.

We had zero sex life, when we were separating my H referenced this by saying "I know I've put on weight, but.."

As if that's the reason there was no intimacy? Not the years and years of built up rejection I felt from someone who ACTIVELY FLINCHED if I so much as accidentally brushed past him.

How can he be so baffled at the lack of sex when he'd physically push me off him if I tried to show affection?

Honestly it's been like living with someone with the emotional range of a toddler. Exhausting.

I'm so sorry and I totally relate. To the kid's stuff as well. It's exhausting. I adore my kids, sadly my eldest is very much like him and that causes me a lot of worry.

I'm glad you had a good outcome in the end. I'm sorry to hear it was a long road to get there, it's all so painful.

I'm so sorry. But it does really help to know im not alone, thank you.

Oh yikes! So far it hasn't degenerated like this but we're very 'amicable' though I often wonder if this is just me being in freeze and appease mode.

He's very accomplished at seeing himself as the victim in situations, the housing arrangement we have currently is based on the children's best interests but I had to explain that to him. His natural default is he take half the money in the house for just him and I have the other half for me and the dc.

That's how his world works. Him first.

You could be me OP. I'm out the other end. I left after 15 years. Not quite the same but very similiar.
After I threw him out he became everything I ever wanted. I struggled for so long. Felt worthless.

Now I'm happy. I'll dm you x

I've been through very similar as well OP and big hugs for you.

I've been separated for two years now and moved out with my DS who is now 6. It was terrible through the lock down and I realised he made no effort in the marriage, would be so closed off, refused to engage with the marriage counselling. At one point I realised I was begging for small talk, some interest in our life together. He stopped talking to me altogether when I finally told him I was so worn down and decided to leave. It was the hardest thing to do and I feel very lonely at times but I've managed to start building a new life for me and DS.

"He now lives peacefully in his own little house"
Absolutely can relate again. He also is in his own little world, has lots of hobbies and manages to fend for himself but that does still not extend to our DS where I still have to spoon feed every single thing. He merrily talks about his home and tells me what projects he's doing, generally acts like we were never married.

I don't have any wise words for OP only that day by day it will get better.

we're very 'amicable' though I often wonder if this is just me being in freeze and appease mode

Oh dear with every update you are sounding more like me!

Yes we are also very "amicable" but mostly as I've given fighting for anything other than just smiling and nodding. It is a terribly sad situation to be in. I feel his inability to emphasise or be in touch with his own emotions means we carry on as if we were never married. He has never even uttered any regret at the separation.

One more thing to add is that I saw a therapist in the run up to separating and she thought he had a victim/martyr complex. I was floored when I read up on this as it was so fitting.

That perhaps sounds like your H too.

Yes we are also very "amicable" but mostly as I've given fighting for anything other than just smiling and nodding. It is a terribly sad situation to be in. I feel his inability to emphasise or be in touch with his own emotions means we carry on as if we were never married.

That sounds very familiar too 😢😢

He sounds horrible and I think you did the right thing, though I am sure it must be very difficult. Autism is no excuse for being drunk every evening. That one thing would have made me leave.

Thank you!!

You've done so well, that's amazing. I totally relate to that feeling of being so alone. Also to having to spoonfeed the DC stuff.

H rarely initiates anything with the kids and doesn't seem to see that he has damaged them in any way? Everything is triangulated through me - I couldn't pick youngest up from something recently due to work so told her to ask her Dad. She asked me to as she's 'scared of him'.

I relayed this to him in a diplomatic way and he said he "couldn't think why she'd be scared of him". Right. The fact that everything was too much trouble for him when it came to his family and he actively sighed and sulked when asked to participate, or got angry. He can't see that this is the result?

So frustrating. He needs to step up now. I doubt he will.

I totally relate.

H expressed sadness about leaving the house.

He doesn't like change (obviously) so that was why. Within 10 minutes of being settled in his rented place he wanted to buy it.

I don't think he misses us at all.

When I first asked him to leave he said he'd be lonely. I asked him why he'd be lonely when all he wants to do is sit by himself and watch TV?

He said 'at least you were there if I wanted company'.

That's how he sees us. I'm a mug for putting the DC and me through it.

Interesting, I will google this, thank you!!

You're absolutely right.

My Dad was like this, never wanted to go anywhere, very black and white thinking and had absolute control at home. I still remember all the meals we ate where radio 4 would be cranked up loud and god help you if dared speak. No advice but total empathy I’m not sure how my Mum stayed with him until she passed away. Hopefully things will get better for you and you will get some peace of mind.

It sounds very traumatizing. A lot of NHS talk therapy services have training in autism and you may well find people who are very familiar with how this affects family members. I hope you can regain our hope - not every partner will treat you this way, but I certainly understand why you feel the way you do. You sound very very hurt - I hope you find some peace going forward.

It's called Cassandra Syndrome. Yes I have been there and have now left after 30 years of marriage, which is the hugest relief ever. They are often quite similar to covert narcissists though with different intentions/cause. But the effect is the same.

Also asdmarriage.com has amazing articles that describe really well what it's like.

That sounds so oppressive, I'm so sorry.

Thank you.

I am hurt, and bewildered.

I can't comprehend why he had a marriage and children.

That I remember that all three of us have been his species interest at one time or another, shame it never lasts.