My relationship with (believed) autistic DH is over and I don't know how to feel

[itsfinallyover]

Been with my husband almost 20 years, he's in the process of being assessed for autism but waiting lists are long.

I have a disability myself, I am not here to autism-bash, but would really appreciate speaking to anyone else who has been through similar.

When I met him we were early 20s and full of energy. He was always introverted, but open to new experiences.

Having kids seem to really beat it out of him, he is his own entire world, he wakes up in the morning and thinks of himself. Never able to put himself in other's shoes, which I get does not come naturally to him. But also never, ever wants to try.

My poor kids are teens now and don't see him as a parent, they say he lives in his own bubble.

Things got dramatically worse since lockdown. He moved to working full time from home. Never left the house. No hobbies. Not interested in engaging with DC and became actively snappy and rude with them all the time.

Never took any feedback on any of this, just gaslighted and would say 'you do that, too' if I raised anything.

Every single evening he came downstairs and watched the same shows on repeat, a ridiculous volume through to speaker system he had set up in our lounge to suit him. It was like his own private cinema room. Except it was supposed to be our family lounge. No one could go in there. I told him so many times how awful it was for us, he'd wear headphones for a few days then go back to it.

Didn't come to be because half the time he'd pass out drunk in front of the telly. Lived in his own little world.

All came to a head when eldest (16) said she hated living with him and her (diagnosed) anxiety was because he was so intolerable to live with.

I asked him to leave, he tried to fight it making empty promises about all the ways he would change - all the things I'd been asking him to change for years, that he would just ignore. Simple things like doing an activity with the kids or turning the TV off and letting someone else use the lounge.

How his behaviour has affected the kids is the final straw so I said no.

He now lives peacefully in his own little house. Has given up drinking, looks after himself, cooks healthy food and cleans. All the stuff he wouldn't do for his family. Doesn't have regular contact with the kids, sees them as and when it suits himself. Which is pretty much never. Still can't be bothered to plan in quality time.

I'm 45, facing the rest of my life alone (I have no family except the kids), raising two (probably autistic, one is being assessor the other doesn't want to) teens and wondering how the hell I ended up here.

I realise he was autistic about ten years ago and made so many allowances for it and bent myself in so many difficult ways in order to not stress him.

I don't know what to make of how things have ended. Just feel numb.

Can't ever conceive of another relationship. There seems no point, I'll only be let down again.

special interest

Congratulations on your escape! Thank you, I will look into it

Similar experiences here, more like Monica I think, as we’re still together.

The kids understand him, but perhaps wonder why I stayed 😬

We have learned how to rub along.

I’ve noticed a couple of things- I’ve become less tolerant of all the things he’s intolerant of and a whole load of extras. So I also no longer like spontaneity, travelling to new places. I’ve learned it’s fraught with pitfalls!
I also have sensory issues, though I’m mainly burnt out from being around him. I hate the noise he makes while he’s eating or slurping a drink or shuffling in his slippers- and I find the outside world too noisy as well.

I long to be left alone in a quiet place.

What really helped me was stopping- stopping trying to coordinate and liaise and work together. You know, normal couple stuff where you work around each other. All that did was prioritise him over me every time.

Now- now it’s different. I do what I want. He was a bit taken aback but can’t complain as it’s how he works.

I’m sorry things were so shit and are still a struggle- it gets better when you stop trying, bizarrely.

You should be so much kinder to yourself.

Thanks.

I stopped trying with him ages ago and I was pretty happy being independent.

It was his toxic behaviour in the house that brought things to an end.

I was happy having my own friends, doing my own thing - I've never, ever socialised with him anyway.

But something (I think lockdown and losing all semblance of fitting in with human life) tipped him into this rageful toddler who had to dominate every part of our home.

I could cope with him when he was fucking annoying, but he's damaged our kids and that's unforgivable.

Hugs. I believe you 🌻

I was there too, over 20 years ago. My XH had stopped working because he couldn't function in the profession for which he was trained and wouldn't consider applying for jobs he considered beneath his status. He was highly motivated to make me stay married to him, refused to move out and made the divorce as unpleasant as possible. And he wouldn't consider that he might have autism rather than (or as well as) the various other mental health labels he had collected.

Like you, I though I'd never have another relationship. I was 40, had lots of young children, and was worried that I'd just pick another who'd turn into my XH because, like your husband, he'd been bright and energetic in his 20s and disintegrated sometime after our second child was born. And I was fine with that. As it happens, I did remarry a few years later. My DH is lovely. My XH remains someone I couldn't live with, but he has a job that suits him and recently he's found a partner who suits him much better than I ever did. So the split ended up for the best for both of us.

I wish you well.

I wonder if maybe there could be some ND yourself as it took you 10 years to realise he had autistic traits? I dont mean to be critical saying that. I have dated a few people with various types of ND in the past, I think it took me longer to realise than a NT person would. I suppose in those days , you'd just accept someone is a tad odd or 'quirky' and romanticise it as being unique and alternative. It's only looking back at how my parents and siblings are that we are all a tad different from the 'norm' I've seen in the wider world since. Non of us officially diagnosed, but there are genetic links undoubtedly. I suspect ADD in my case, some hyper-fixation at times, mixed with easy distraction mostly and boredom with long tasks, organised chaos.
I think perhaps growing up surrounded by difference makes it less unusual in a partner and maybe can even bring some comfort and familiarity. So if NT yourself, if any family members were ND growing up, that could explain the slow realisation. Just a thought.

@Opentooffers for me, it’s more about having a narcissistic parent. I was used to revolving around someone else’s needs.

I completely empathise with this. What do you do though? The loneliness is crushing

I knew nothing about autism until I did an SEN course, then it all fell into place.

So it wasn't that I didn't notice, I just didn't know the words for it.

I don't get why me not knowing that would make me ND? Sorry? I don't think there was a great deal of autism awareness in 2012.

Certainly plenty of people I know know nothing about it even now.

I'm so glad to find you all. And for OP to have support. Make no mistake - divorce from such a man may be extremely difficult.

My therapist wondered aloud at behaviours I described as being more narcissistic sociopath than autistic. of course she couldn't & wouldn't dream of diagnosing someone she didn't treat but she commented on my telling her & the very real way he was treating me re break up and divorce.

My daughter is autistic and nothing like him thank goodness. She has special interests but she tries very hard to be empathetic

That sounds like a great happy ending all round, thank you for sharing!

Interesting that you can see the link between children coming along, too.

I think, looking back, the more someone else in the family needed something the more my H would create more space for himself.

When the kids were in primary I did as Masters to retrain in a new career. So was juggling study, work and primary kids without any family nearby and with no childcare. What did DH do at EXACTLY this point in time, when I really did need him to lean in (for once)? Decided to train for an ironman 😐So I was left doing the childcare every weekend while he trained.

I remember (stupidly and I don't know why) thanking him for his support when I got my masters. His response? "what are you thanking me for, I didn't do anything? "

No, that's right. You didn't. And you know it.

OMG Ironman - if I didn't know better I'd say we were married to the same guy.

Thank you for the heads up and I'm sorry you went through that. Great to hear that about your daughter, though.

😂
Oh god, if I don't laugh I'll cry.

And this wasn't just any ironman training. This was Special Interest TM Ironman training with mandatory bike wiping for two hours before and after every lengthy bike ride.

OP - much sympathy from me. You'll get a lot of support on this forum and there's a thread dedicated to women like you.

When I first asked him to leave he said he'd be lonely. I asked him why he'd be lonely when all he wants to do is sit by himself and watch TV? He said 'at least you were there if I wanted company'

And this is part of the reason why I left my ex. Definitely not as extreme as yours, never diagnosed, but I increasingly felt like I was there at his convenience, and the rest of the time, he often made me feel like I was some kind of annoyance, like a fly buzzing around him. I felt a bit used, like I was there to provide warmth and emotional support, but that he wasn't really interested in me as a person any more, nor respected me like he should have.

And no, I don't think there was as much autism awareness even 10 years ago. Many people thought of it as an extreme thing only, or like something from Rainman.

OP as a child of an autistic Dad, I want to applaud you for putting your children first. They will always remember this and appreciate this. My Mum struggled dealing with my Dad and was so unhappy and I often wonder why she put up with it. My Dad also caused me and my sister anxiety, it was awful living with him as it was always his controlling way with black and white thinking. I don't have a relationship with him anymore as when I left home, he simply could not be bothered, despite the fact I tried for years. I feel sorry for both of them as neither is happy and leads unhappy unfulfilling lives.

The f*cker is now sprawled out on the full length of the sofa, snoring away, while his YouTube football show continues........

You know what @itsfinallyover you smacked me right round the head with the proverbial frying pan of realisation when you referred to his TV hogging as selfish. He has called me selfish on many occasions, and I've stood there thinking 'shit, am I selfish? Is he right?!' and now I know it's him! It's fcking him! He'll lie here stopping anyone sitting down, then he'll get into bed later and spend the night snoring away while I lie there awake, uncomfortable, and raging.
I'm in the kitchen putting washing in and doing the washing up of all the dinner stuff (that I made, as I do every night. Not once has he cooked in 17 years) just so I can be out of the way of him. He just seems to have no clue why I don't want to rip his clothes off or spend lovely times on holiday with him. No clue. I'm fcking sick of it.
Me and you @itsfinallyover we deserve better and we will get it one day x

Trying to put ladylike asterisks in my post to dampen down the swearing has caused lots of italics!!! 😅

Hahaha!

Yes, we will get something better one day. I've pretty much given up on connection now, but I'll take peace and that's what I've got now he doesn't live here anymore.

Thank you, and I'm sorry you went through that misery as a child.

That's exactly it! Like a fly to be swatted away, until he occasionally found a use for me. He ended up treating the kids the same which I (stupidly) never saw coming.

Oh my gosh OP I get this 100%.

My ex would meltdown if things didn't go his way. Throw things, push me, yell and storm off.

He struggles so much with connecting with people but when we were married saw that as my problem... I didn't support him enough. I didn't try hard enough. He would say that everyone thinks I'm so nice but they don't know the real me.

He didn't understand how to give or take emotional support and just saw my outside life as something fake I kept from him. I imagine he did feel quite lonely and separate.

In retrospect coming from an abusive home made him seem like a dream. He was abusive but not AS abusive as what I was used to.

I didn't know what Autism was but now I can clearly see it in him and his mom. They also both struggle with feeling victimized.

Anytime I was upset (never angry) he accused me of attacking him. It didn't matter what I said I was attacking him.

We get along still, and to the outside world it probably looks ideal in divorce. I recognize though it's me being agreeable. Always agreeable.

I left him during Covid. Up until then I believed O had a perfect marriage. Delusional doesn't begin to cover it! 22 years together we met at 20.

He is a workaholic so left the house at 7 and came home at 9pm or later. I'm very independent. Our marriage worked because we barely saw each other.

During Covid the abuse could no longer be ignored. DS and I were walking on eggshells.

It's been 4 years. I'm quite happy living in my condo with DS. I have a lovely supportive boyfriend although we also don't see each other much which admittedly still works for me. My ds has complex sn's so being alone is my favourite time.

I will add I have ADHD and have learned that neurodiverse people often gravitate to eachother.

He has been going to anger therapy (or at least was) and talked a lite but about him possibly having autism. I'm not sure an actual diagnosis would change things for him, but I'd like to think he'd be able to feel more understood.

None of it is easy, but I already walk on eggshells around ds, not having to do it around a grown adult is am enormous relief.

Omg @Josette77 this is word for word what he says to me - He would say that everyone thinks I'm so nice but they don't know the real me
😮