My relationship with (believed) autistic DH is over and I don't know how to feel

[itsfinallyover]

Been with my husband almost 20 years, he's in the process of being assessed for autism but waiting lists are long.

I have a disability myself, I am not here to autism-bash, but would really appreciate speaking to anyone else who has been through similar.

When I met him we were early 20s and full of energy. He was always introverted, but open to new experiences.

Having kids seem to really beat it out of him, he is his own entire world, he wakes up in the morning and thinks of himself. Never able to put himself in other's shoes, which I get does not come naturally to him. But also never, ever wants to try.

My poor kids are teens now and don't see him as a parent, they say he lives in his own bubble.

Things got dramatically worse since lockdown. He moved to working full time from home. Never left the house. No hobbies. Not interested in engaging with DC and became actively snappy and rude with them all the time.

Never took any feedback on any of this, just gaslighted and would say 'you do that, too' if I raised anything.

Every single evening he came downstairs and watched the same shows on repeat, a ridiculous volume through to speaker system he had set up in our lounge to suit him. It was like his own private cinema room. Except it was supposed to be our family lounge. No one could go in there. I told him so many times how awful it was for us, he'd wear headphones for a few days then go back to it.

Didn't come to be because half the time he'd pass out drunk in front of the telly. Lived in his own little world.

All came to a head when eldest (16) said she hated living with him and her (diagnosed) anxiety was because he was so intolerable to live with.

I asked him to leave, he tried to fight it making empty promises about all the ways he would change - all the things I'd been asking him to change for years, that he would just ignore. Simple things like doing an activity with the kids or turning the TV off and letting someone else use the lounge.

How his behaviour has affected the kids is the final straw so I said no.

He now lives peacefully in his own little house. Has given up drinking, looks after himself, cooks healthy food and cleans. All the stuff he wouldn't do for his family. Doesn't have regular contact with the kids, sees them as and when it suits himself. Which is pretty much never. Still can't be bothered to plan in quality time.

I'm 45, facing the rest of my life alone (I have no family except the kids), raising two (probably autistic, one is being assessor the other doesn't want to) teens and wondering how the hell I ended up here.

I realise he was autistic about ten years ago and made so many allowances for it and bent myself in so many difficult ways in order to not stress him.

I don't know what to make of how things have ended. Just feel numb.

Can't ever conceive of another relationship. There seems no point, I'll only be let down again.

When I first asked him to leave he said he'd be lonely. I asked him why he'd be lonely when all he wants to do is sit by himself and watch TV?

He said 'at least you were there if I wanted company'.

This reminds me of one of my last ditch attempts to have a serious conversation with ExH where he basically was indignant that he was committed to the marriage as he wasn't going anywhere even though he wasn't happy and told me I could just stay and be with him anyway. What a tool. He was happy for all of us including our tiny DS to remain living together in an unhappy and toxic home.

One thing I've realised over time is that he used to be quite proud of having ASD traits (self diagnosed). I didn't realise that was a warning sign.

I'm also so glad to find this thread. It's very hard to explain to anyone who hasn't been in a similar situation.

for me, it’s more about having a narcissistic parent. I was used to revolving around someone else’s needs.

@pickledandpuzzled I am the same. Narc DM and most of my adult life was spent appeasing her. I am not sure how that fits in with my marriage (apart from I fear I ended up being too angry and shouting at times, probably even adopted some of her worst coping styles). The counsellor I was seeing at the time said that having a controlling narc DM probably made the prospect of a people pleasing DH was like a dream come true and gave me the validation I never received in all my life. Everyday I feel like a failure but now I'm out of it I'm trying to learn from my own mistakes.

I could cry that we're all recognising all the same patterns and behaviour here that has driven us mad and made us think we've caused the situation. We will get out of this x

Yes I feel like this 100%.
I tend to take more responsibility than others in all areas of my life (again a symptom of being raised by a narc DM). As ExH has never uttered a word about the separation and went silent on me I've ended up blaming myself mostly.

What really helped me was stopping- stopping trying to coordinate and liaise and work together. You know, normal couple stuff where you work around each other. All that did was prioritise him over me every time.

This is where I am.
I dont ask anything of him but I also refuse to liaise and organise for him.
We have some project going in at home just now so it’s a bit of a challenge. However, this will make MY life easier!
And now that I’ve stopped expecting to do things together, I don’t feel so bad when it doesn’t happen.
Interestingly, DH now wants me to be involved and do things with him. Which I’m refusing because it doesn’t work for me. I think he is a bit bewildered by it tbh.

I'm sorry you went through that, but how amazing to have the strength to leave when you did. My H is proud of his autistic traits, too. I don't think they are anything to be ashamed of but it's like he thought they gave him a special pass or something.

Sending you a huge hug. I know how hard it especially when someone is so convinced you're the problem. It's very hard to find yourself in that, let alone defend yourself.

oh my goodness you poor love.

He has beaten any positivity as he has simply ground you down - and now he’s living a happy peaceful life in his own house - still not stepping up, not having to do any grunt work and not having to parent. It’s no wonder you feel low - anyone would.

My ex is autistic but he can control his behaviour to some extent and he knows how to behave even if he can’t.

so he masked when we met but quite clearly is abusive - stupid stupid games such as when you phone him he will pretend he can’t hear you - stupid stuff. The only way to deal with him he just to totally disengage and like with the phone call - just terminate the call immediately.

I expect no help and I get none.

meanwhile he gets to cycle to his hearts content whilst I run myself into an early grace.

counselling, therapy and the freedom process is great and building your boundary.

wprk on yourself as you’ve probably lost yourself- what do you like - how do you want to grow as a person

@itsfinallyover ah I completely understand where you are coming from, I admire you had the courage, foresight and energy to separate.

My husband is (I firmly believe) Asperger's / autistic, we have 2 kids, one just started secondary and diagnosed autistic (very challenging) and another in primary. As I read your post o thought you were describing my husband!

Like you it didn't really bother me until I had kids with him, it's so lonely and difficult, my autistic child can't stand him and it causes rows.

Be very proud that you did right by you and your kids,

Having children makes things much harder.
It was like having dc1 switched a switch in dh head that didn’t get switch back off until dc2 left home.
20 years is a long time….

I can totally see why you’re so angry and upset by him, why he couldn’t change for his family but did for himself. I feel for the kids seeing that too, but knowing he couldn’t do it for them. I think you’d all benefit from some therapy

In my case I think I tolerated a sub par relationship because I hadn’t experienced better. I was used to being flexible to accommodate everyone else’s needs. I was used to someone being inconsiderate.

someone with better self esteem would have spotted what was missing, I think.

And also not fallen quite so readily into the carer/facilitator role.

@Gonewiththecringe I see this in myself to a certain extent. Not that I have a narcissist DM, but having a disabled brother meant everything has always revolved around him and his needs in the family, and the rest of us were used to fitting in with this as kids. It's continued the same way now that we're all adults, and now we're also looking after DM too as she's older and needs care. So I am used to putting others first and never getting what I want or even trying to get what I want. I just deal with what comes my way. I think DH would not have got away with his behaviour and laziness with anyone less tolerant. And so I enter the cycle of "have I caused this or enabled this" again...

Yes, it does feel odd paying for it, but actually the very act of seeking it out and paying for it was therapeutic in and of itself, I found.

The same goes for getting yourself a massage or a nice, relaxing manicure or pedicure. You're worth it! You deserve the lovely feeling of having the knots in your back pummeled and pinched out, with the nice scent of perfumed oils wafting around and some kind of soothing music playing. It feels liberating to go out and get the nice experiences that you deserve.

You don't know how to feel ?

Relieved I would imagine. If not yet, it's on its way.

45 is so young! You have a brilliant chance of a very happy life in the future. It may or may not involve another marriage or long term relationships but you will have friends, family, travel, a career, your own peaceful home... and maybe romance, sex, flirtations if you want.

Congratulations on successfully ditching the H.

Thank you for this @TrentCrimmIsHot My god, it's a revelation. I've only read the first few bits but this is my life and experience 100%. I thought it was only happening to me.

Absolutely! I've read articles on there that beautifully articulated things I'd been through but never been able to explain to others or even myself really. The concept of 'circular conversations' was a huge lightbulb moment, and the description of Christmas holidays was absolutely perfect! It's such a relief to know it's not just you!

It’s hard to advise you when my autism is right on the other side - i look after people. I’ll look after anyone, at any time. Sometimes I have no idea how much I need to give or have given and i think if i spent more time looking after me then life would be better. Nobody wants someone to look after them all the time, and i dont know any other way. It’ll be 17 years on my own soon.

Thankfully i found looking after children and have blossomed. At work I can show all the love, care and patience that i have and there’s nobody to judge me, to think I’m strange or odd.

Autism is not just one style of behaviour but many, but under pressure i see similar traits in these behaviours. I believe i will probably stay alone because it seems easier.

As for not knowing how to feel, it's well recognised that the female partners of autistic men (I can't say anything about other types of relationship) genuinely do lose the ability to "know how to feel". That's if they ever had it in the first place, since, as others have pointed out, sometimes there's a background of having their feelings unacknowledged or being punished for expressing them while growing up - my childhood could in no way be regarded as abusive, but one parent had the monopoly on expressed emotion and it clearly affected my sisters and me growing up and possibly influenced our expectations when choosing who to marry. We're used to prioritising everyone else's feelings and shoving our own down until we can't even see them ourselves.

I used to smile and bounce around obligingly more when I was married to my XH, but I'm a lot happier now.

I've just got to the Christmas holidays bit. I could cry. My kids really do not enjoy Christmas, and I think this explains why. Also the gift giving -

• If a gift is purchased, choosing something hastily, cheap, miniscule, impersonal – or something that would interest him
• Possibly passing off a purchase that he wants for himself as a generous gift for her
• Trinkets from the dollar store, or presents that are impersonally bizarre, are more hurtful than nothing at all.

It was my birthday recently and he gave me a framed picture by an artist he likes but I have no interest in. We already have an almost identical picture. A pencil drawing of a naked woman. He hung it in our bedroom the other night and I have to pretend I like it to keep the peace. It is infuriating. Not quite as bad as the randomly chosen George Foreman grill though......

Another excerpt from asdmarriage.com that screams out to me -

In 2019 at the World Autism Summit, Dr. Tony Attwood (world-renowned autism expert) spoke about the troubling issue of inauthentic meltdowns among autistic individuals. A true autistic meltdown is an involuntary loss of faculties due to overwhelm. A weaponized outburst may look like a meltdown, but the autistic person is in control of their behavior, seeking to coerce a specific outcome. Dr. Attwood referred to this as “domestic terrorism,” and then repeated his sentiments in later formats. As imaginable, the term “domestic terrorism” has been met with outrage from the autistic community. Yet, what else should we term behavior that is an intentional, imposed hostage situation for spouses and children? The message of, “if you don’t comply with what I want, then you will suffer my calculated screaming, throwing things, aggression, verbal intimidation, property destruction (etc),” is abusive. It is domestic violence.

I usually find myself going along with anything dh wants, just to avoid conflict. Yesterday he got a plumber in to fix the bath tap which hasn't been working for about a year and prior to that I have been filling the bath with the shower head, which is fine. I do this for me, I do it for my youngest who likes a bath. DH has not had a bath in the year the tap has been broken. Then last night I was filling the bath for DS while he was finishing his homework, still using the shower head as I quite like the fact you can be in control of the temperature, and dh was tutting and harumphing that I wasn't using the newly fixed tap. I felt so much tension and anxiety for daring to do things my own way, knowing he would probably not like it, but also questioning whether I was being obtuse or deliberately defiant for continuing to use the shower head. It's maddening.

Those articles describe so well what’s going on in my marriage.

Tbh it’s heartbreaking.
Its heartbreaking to be validated in my experience.
Its heartbreaking to know it will never change.
its heartbreaking to realise I’m getting the right insight and understanding now - too late fir me to be able to move away from it all (or maybe I should say run away 😢).

Following as recently dumped by autistic partner!