I don't support him, I'm jealous and worse. What am i doing so wrong to him

[Lostcause22]

This is my first time posting on a forum, I usually don't speak with anyone about mine and my husband's relationship any more. My friends and family are fed up of hearing it now, it makes me feel bad and yet I just don't know what to do.

We've been together 16 years, married almost 14.

We've always fought, it has always been a roller-coaster. Huge highs and even bigger lows. Crazy fights and amazing sex. Never a real constant tho. We've got better over the years, less aggressive. But... instead he says things that are just really hurtful. He has told me he wants a divorce, hates me, that I don't support him, am jealous, controlling and worse on more than 1 occasion. I forgive, forget and move on. I know he is only saying these things because he is upset.

But at the same time he is 1 min fine and the next just flips. Tonight, for example everything was fine (and has been for several weeks, since I over heard him speaking to his brothers on the 28th of Dec saying that he does everything. That I came from nothing and the only reason why I'm here now is cos of him) (this probably is true, I would never have got my degree and be in the position I am now had I not met him)

Any way back to tonight, he began planning a holiday with his brothers

He was on his phone, messaging and I asked him who he is chatting. No different to any other day or as he does to me (think he started it and it stuck, harmless, we both trust each other). He said the boys about the holiday. I said when you thinking of going and he snapped at me saying mid March. I said OK no need to snap. He said he didn't so I said OK and a went quite. He then tried to say how he wasn't snapping and I was saying fine OK but cos I went quite he flipped. he said that I should say I'm sorry for taking him wrongly, accusing him of snapping when he didnt etc. He continued shouting at me for about 5 min and he told me to go in the spareroom called me names and said that I'm only starting a fight cos I'm jealous he is going away. I'm self centered and do nothing for him whilst he does everything for me. I went downstairs and came back up about 5 min later. Said sorry and that I didn't mean to take him the wrong way.
He shouted even more, more names and that I start a fight everytime he goes away or does anything or plans anything for himself. I've tried saying that I don't want to fight and that I want him to go away cos I think it would be good for him and me and he replies with oh that's right you just want rid of me anyway. I'm a manipulator, council scum and and an arsehole that just takes and takes from him, show him nothing and never supports him. Never has and never will in his eyes. Yet, after 16 years of being together, him losing his job, us moving so many times to follow his career, him having 3 serious operations and retraining to mention just a few I am unsure how I have not supported him. Nevertheless, he wants me to give examples "how did you support me through those times? All you did was make it harder"

He is sleeping on the sofa now, it's our daughter's birthday, she heard us fighting before she went to sleep. I went in her room and got her to sleep after the fight. But she's still going to wake up and see dad downstairs, and holding a grudge to mum that will last at least 3 days (this is normal) it will not matter what I do or say he will not come round to me until he is ready.

What am I doing so wrong? I love him so much and don't want to lose him. How can i show him i do support him?

Please be kind And sorry for the essay!

It doesn't sound like lovely relationship - not a great post but just what I took from yours .

This is not a loving relationship. You are teaching your daughter to put up with exactly the same crap as you do. Do you want that for her?

The only thing that will improve this situation is to break up. Stop the drama and just call it quits. Go your separate ways. Be a good parent.

He doesn’t like, love or respect you
you’re stuck in a sunk costs fallacy
and you’re both addicted to the highs of making up (figure out why you need this)
And you’re teaching your daughter that This is how she should expect her partner in the future to treat her, with verbal abuse and silent treatment.
your family are bored of hearing about it so you’ve obviously gone round and round this cycle a million times.
either change something (therapy or leave) or just stop analysing it and accept it. Constantly questioning how you can just be nicer to him, better, kinder, more supportive, in order to stop him ruining your day, your daughters bday or whatever else is happening is unhealthy, unproductive and not ideal for your daughter to see. She should learn that you deserve to be spoken to kindly by your DP just simply for being. You don’t have to earn that.

One more thing @Lostcause22 this isn't normal in a decent relationship , in my opinion so make a choice. You are probably doing nothing wrong so don't worry abut that. A good friend of mine separated from his 3 childrens' mother as he did not want them to see their parents not getting on (understatement ) But it must be your choice. Personally I would not live with those circumstances. But again - your choice

What you’ve described is extreme abuse from your partner who is behaving in a cruel, demeaning way towards you. You’re accepting it and even apologising that he treats you like that.

This is not a good or healthy way to live, as you know. It’s gone on for a long time and your friends are tired of hearing about it.

Your daughter is badly affected by it. She didn’t choose this way to live.

I think everyone will tell you to leave with your daughter without telling your partner. Women’s Aid will give lots of help and keep you safe. You can just disappear from his life.

Will you do it? I think you can find the courage. Please phone Womens Aid at the number for your local area and follow their advice. All the best.

This is not normal. Counselling or divorce

Whatever turns you on but your poor dd, and on her birthday too. This happened to a friend of my dgd; her parents ruined her birthday by fighting

His behaviour is absolutely not normal and is abusive. It’s concerning that you think you’re the problem.

You need to end this marriage and protect yourself and your daughter. Think what you’re both putting her through.

Definitely get some immediate counselling. It was only through counselling as an adult that I realised I had been through abuse at home as a teenager.

You both sound very immature tbh

Staying in a relationship because you have some highs of good sex after the lows of fighting is not a good enough reason when you have a daughter who has to live in a toxic environment

I can see why your family have had enough, you have probably been round this cycle of fighting, they support you and tell you he is no good for you just to go back and the cycle starts again multiple times

Give your daughter a better life than she has now

What exactly do you love?

He's abusing you and you're teaching your daughter it's what she should expect from a man. Effectively setting her up for a shit life too.

While he's on his holiday, plan your exit. You actually don't need him and he sounds as though he doesn't even like you.

Do better for your daughter. How awful.

You are in an abusive marriage. End it - for your daughter's sake if not your own.

Call Women's Aid.
Do the Freedom Programme.
Read Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft (free pdf online).
Get counselling.

Once your daughter and any other children can get the hell out of there, they may go no contact with their father for being an abusive asshole and their mother for putting up with it and not leaving.

At some point you move from being a victim to a volunteer. You'll get no sympathy from anyone. You may already be there if your real life people are tired of hearing about your crap marriage.

🦆🦆🦆🦆 get your ducks in a row.
Leave.
Access as much therapy as possible for yourself and dd, and any other dc affected by this horrific relationship.

What do you think you are teaching your daughter OP? And any other children you may have.
Not a rhetorical question, I'm actually interested in what you think modelling this kind of relationship is doing to them? This behaviour is their example of what a relationship looks like. Their 'normal'. What are they learning?

You don't want to 'lose' him but can you see that your children are the collateral damage to your neediness?

You both sound pathetic. Your poor daughter

Can you list any genuine reasons why you love him? Proper reasons?

Also echoing a pp, you are teaching your daughter that this is how she should be treated.

You are being abused.

Not what you want to hear...
But I got to here...

We've always fought, it has always been a roller-coaster. Huge highs and even bigger lows. Crazy fights and amazing sex.

And thought this is my idea of hell.
I'd hate to be trapped n a marriage like this.

It's not good, it's not loving.
The fact he is happy to suggest divorce is pretty out there....
I'd seriously look at taking him up on that offer vs trying to twist yourself in knots trying to "make him happy" while letting him treat you like crap.

OP read this and stick it on the fridge if you need too

I really hope there is someone in your childs life that cares about them

would one of you grow and actually get some help

She's being abused and can't even see it. I don't think this is very helpful.

Genuine question: why do you want tp stay in this toxic relationship?

Would you be content to see a future partner of your daughter's treating her like that? Because that's what she is learning that a relative is.

You're confusing drama with love. Love doesn't hurt. Abuse hurts.

The guy is an absolute tool and sounds unlikeable nevermind worthy of love.

Couples counselling won't fix this because you both have to be 100% on board and he's not even 5% there.

He has issues and he has a responsibility to address thosr maturely rather than to project them onto those closest to him.

All you can do is change your response.to his abuse. You need to reject it vehemently and frankly I think you should ditch the fucker.

I doubt you will though. Some people are very wedded to high drama and confuse it with love.

Maybe check out Karpman's drama triangle to work out why you stay.

That is not the childs fault someone needs to help the child

Do you want to know why he does it? It's because you let him, by sticking around and sucking up to him time and time again, you are showing him that it's OK, he can carry on for years and you will do nothing about it.
If you want to know how you stop it, the answer is you can't. It doesn't matter how much support you give, he will always find a reason to complain. He wants a punch-bag and you're it.
Only he can stop himself. But as you forgive him every time and say its your fault when it isn't, he has no incentive.
The only possibility that he might gain any incentive is by leaving him - and actually doing it, a threat does nothing if not followed up. There's a chance then that if he's been lying all along and after all he does love you and want you back, he might prove it by doing therapy, because that is what he needs.
Meantime, you are letting you DD be exposed to horrendous experiences growing up.
If you've got a degree and a decent job, there's no excuse to stay. If you are as bad as each other and both can't be without the other, the best you can do is live separately and just date, at least then it minimises your DD's exposure.
It's a strange kind of love when someone still feels it for a person who keeps treating them like shit. What it really is is co-dependncey, habit and obsession.

Wow I'm so glad my marriage isn't like this, 4 happy kids and a very supportive hubby and I do the same back. We are lucky if we argue mildly once a month. I can never imagine saying any of the things you 2 say... wheres the love,respect, communication etc etc in that..No thanks to this farce and tbh your as bad as each other and bringing family and friends into it grow up. Feel sorry for your children

Further destroying OP's confidence is not going to help in that aim.