I don't support him, I'm jealous and worse. What am i doing so wrong to him

[Lostcause22]

This is my first time posting on a forum, I usually don't speak with anyone about mine and my husband's relationship any more. My friends and family are fed up of hearing it now, it makes me feel bad and yet I just don't know what to do.

We've been together 16 years, married almost 14.

We've always fought, it has always been a roller-coaster. Huge highs and even bigger lows. Crazy fights and amazing sex. Never a real constant tho. We've got better over the years, less aggressive. But... instead he says things that are just really hurtful. He has told me he wants a divorce, hates me, that I don't support him, am jealous, controlling and worse on more than 1 occasion. I forgive, forget and move on. I know he is only saying these things because he is upset.

But at the same time he is 1 min fine and the next just flips. Tonight, for example everything was fine (and has been for several weeks, since I over heard him speaking to his brothers on the 28th of Dec saying that he does everything. That I came from nothing and the only reason why I'm here now is cos of him) (this probably is true, I would never have got my degree and be in the position I am now had I not met him)

Any way back to tonight, he began planning a holiday with his brothers

He was on his phone, messaging and I asked him who he is chatting. No different to any other day or as he does to me (think he started it and it stuck, harmless, we both trust each other). He said the boys about the holiday. I said when you thinking of going and he snapped at me saying mid March. I said OK no need to snap. He said he didn't so I said OK and a went quite. He then tried to say how he wasn't snapping and I was saying fine OK but cos I went quite he flipped. he said that I should say I'm sorry for taking him wrongly, accusing him of snapping when he didnt etc. He continued shouting at me for about 5 min and he told me to go in the spareroom called me names and said that I'm only starting a fight cos I'm jealous he is going away. I'm self centered and do nothing for him whilst he does everything for me. I went downstairs and came back up about 5 min later. Said sorry and that I didn't mean to take him the wrong way.
He shouted even more, more names and that I start a fight everytime he goes away or does anything or plans anything for himself. I've tried saying that I don't want to fight and that I want him to go away cos I think it would be good for him and me and he replies with oh that's right you just want rid of me anyway. I'm a manipulator, council scum and and an arsehole that just takes and takes from him, show him nothing and never supports him. Never has and never will in his eyes. Yet, after 16 years of being together, him losing his job, us moving so many times to follow his career, him having 3 serious operations and retraining to mention just a few I am unsure how I have not supported him. Nevertheless, he wants me to give examples "how did you support me through those times? All you did was make it harder"

He is sleeping on the sofa now, it's our daughter's birthday, she heard us fighting before she went to sleep. I went in her room and got her to sleep after the fight. But she's still going to wake up and see dad downstairs, and holding a grudge to mum that will last at least 3 days (this is normal) it will not matter what I do or say he will not come round to me until he is ready.

What am I doing so wrong? I love him so much and don't want to lose him. How can i show him i do support him?

Please be kind And sorry for the essay!

OP, if there was some magic trick to make someone stop abusing you that we could advise you of, everyone would be doing it already.

You know he snapped at you. You know he's made disparaging remarks about you. You know it's not fair. You know you've already tried everything you can think of to keep things calm.

Ultimately, you can't stop another human being from hurting you if they're determined to carry on and you won't walk away.

If you can't leave straight away, at least focus on disconnecting yourself emotionally from being invested in his opinions about you.

I'd also recommend educating yourself on what abuse is and why it happens. A PP mentioned this book earlier, which I really highly recommend. It's free on this link:

https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&source=web&rct=j&opi=89978449&url=archive.org/download/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf&ved=2ahUKEwihpZ7NtfWDAxUNVEEAHWQ7DGkQFnoECDsQAQ&usg=AOvVaw14x4ivUm5xgJ67TT78XfZt

He will go on holiday and cheat. Might not actually be a bad thing if it means you split as a result because this sounds an awful relationship.

With kindness what you’re doing so wrong is allowing your daughter to live in a scary environment where adults do frightening things like shouting, teaching her that relationships where men abuse you and you stay and tolerate it are normal, and increasing the chances of her being a victim of domestic abuse when she’s old enough to have her own relationships.

You need to stop licking his arse and worshipping the ground he walks on. He knows how to play you. He gets his highs from you grovelling and apologising to him. This is not a good relationship. It is abusive.

Did you really just say you've had highs of good sex?

This man is abusing you and you have let your children / child see and be effected by it

He sounds completely self obsessed - it's ''me, me and me'' all the time. The smallest thing you do offends him. He is angry. He turns it onto you but for no good reason. Such a difficult way to live. How can you love him? You need to love yourself more. He is abusing you.

Oh, just fuck him right off. You don't owe him anything.

This was a mistake I should never and will never again write a post.

Thank you to those of you that have been kind.

To all the rest of you that think our daughter is unloved by either of us you couldn't be more wrong.she is more loved than anything and is happy.

I may be pathetic to love someone that gets angry quickly but it's only ever at me. I was seeking advice not more comments that would make me feel worse.

What on earth are you going on about with this self-satisfied nonsensical "both as bad as each other?" The fact that OP is so deeply caught up in this she actually apologizes to her abusive monster of a H? JFC.

I'm afraid you come across as defensive and self pitying, and it's not helping you.

Some posters do write some deliberately cruel comments but a lot of others have been supportive. Did you take any of the thoughtful feedback or advice on board?

You are 💯 responsible for being in this relationship and only you have the power to improve your life.

Here's the thing. If you keep doing the same thing, you're going tp get the same result. If you genuinely want it to improve, you will have to make a change.

What am I doing so wrong? I love him so much and don't want to lose him. How can i show him i do support him?

Honestly OP this really stood out. This vile abusive pig has worn you down so much with his bullying behaviour that you believe it’s you that’s the problem.

Why on earth do you love someone who controls, bullies, belittles and dehumanises you then shags you as your crumbs? Why don’t you want to lose him? What positives does he bring to you?

Is this how you want your daughter to grow up thinking relationships work like this? And do you want to continue to live as an abuse victim for the next 20/30/40 years?

Unfortunately there's a strong contingent on MN that believes they have the right to demand someone leave a relationship immediately and they can get very snotty and insulting if they don't get their way. It doesn't help and as you can see, it only makes people feel worse.

I'm not saying I think you should stay, but whatever you do should be your own autonomous decision.

I may be pathetic to love someone that gets angry quickly but it's only ever at me.

It's not love. And it's not just "getting angry". Normal people don't express anger by hurling abuse at their partner.
You are in an abusive relationship and you are mistaking abuse for love. Can you see how fucked that is? Are you content that this is nd will continue to be your life?

You are in an abusive relationship and he doesn’t love you, and only loves controlling you. You are modelling your acceptance of those behaviours to your child. Do you want her to have a similar relationship when she is older? I’m guessing you won’t listen to any of this though. It sounds like you have been moaning about it your friends and family for years but haven’t done anything about it.

You can’t change him because this is who he is. He called you council scum???

Please leave this vile man, or at least find the courage to bollock him big time. He might be a bully, and might behave once he is firmly challenged - but he would need to take what you say seriously. So if you warned him that continuing to speak to you like this will end the relationship you have to be willing to follow through.

Nothing you can say or do will essentially improve this relationship though. I know that’s not what you want to read, but he’s not fundamentally going to change based on what’s he’s already done and said. You’d only be dealing with someone who kept a lid on his behaviour- for a while. It would probably reappear later.

Can you ignore the posters being rude and think about the good advice you've had because there is some there?

Unfortunately some here think the way to show someone they're being abused is to abuse them more and call them names. Lots of people here know nothing about abuse and how to be supportive but still feel free to dish it out.

The core of what people are saying is right though. This is not healthy and it's not good for any of you.
This is so disfunctional I'm not surprised you're confused but believe me, those highs are just another part of that cycle of abuse and aren't worth it.

I don't know how old your daughter is or whether you have other children but this will be impacting her.
She will feel scared and worried when you argue and when you're not she'll be waiting for the next time.
She'll be confused and have a skewed view of love and relationships. She's being hurt by the person who is supposed to love her.
As a child in this sort of environment she is also experiencing his behaviour even if it's not directed towards her. She's living it and absorbing the messages.

You do need to find a way to get out and I hope you do come to realise that and get some help.

You are kidding yourself that your daughter is happy. It must be horrible living in a house where dad verbally and emotionally abuses mum and mum enables that by enabling and accepting dad’s behaviour. Just because it’s not directed as your dd, it doesn’t mean that she won’t be negatively affected. You are dramatically increasing the odds of your dd ending up with a man like her dad and copying you by trying to placate him all the time.

Deep down you must know that you did nothing wrong last night. He wants a woman who doesn’t ask questions and centres her life around his needs. He sticks around because he’s addicted to abusing you and having great sex afterwards in the same way that you stick around because you’re convinced that he loves you when you have the great sex. Great sex isn’t love and I can’t help
but wonder if it’s great because he’s not degrading you so you can pretend that the usual nasty man is a blip. You need to work out why you’re willing to trade being abused for the possibility of great sex in the future

March isn’t too far away. I’d pack up and move us out while he was gone. Then when he came back I’d leave a print out waiting for him of some of the things he’d said to me.

you are not council scum. He is scum: you are so much better than he is in every way that matters. Please leave, give your daughter a peaceful home where she can learn good self esteem. Not this. You aren’t both fighting. He is picking fights with you constantly for any reason he can imagine, he’s horrible to you. Good sex is not worht it. Im so sorry you’ve had this kind of relationship.

Nobody can tell you want to do to make this better. Your relationship isn't fixable. It's been sixteen years and all you have to say is that you have good sex. He isn't going to change into a different person.

It doesn't even sound like you like one another.

People don't mean that you don't love your daughter. They mean that you are showing her how a woman being yelled at is normal. What would you think of she was in a relationship where her boyfriend shouted at her?

I'm sorry you're regretting posting OP but I think you've had some bits of good advice here. You say in your last post that it's 'only me' that he gets angry with as though you somehow don't matter? Don't you deserve to have a healthy relationship and live in a peaceful home too? If your DD was an adult and told you her DH was behaving this way, what would you say to her?

It's normal to have conflicts and squabbles in a relationship but from what you've written it almost sounds as though your DH is actually picking a fight. You ask him a normal question, he sighs, you tut, and then next thing you know he's shouting you're 'council scum', dragging up his past operations and and then going off to sleep on the sofa with the added pressure of you knowing he'll not speak to you for 3 days.

I'm sorry OP but that's an awful way for you to live! It sounds like an unnecessary escalation of a petty squabble and if this happens frequently, you must be walking on egg shells all the time.

If he cannot stop a minor irritation from escalating into a 3 day war then he needs to recognise he has a problem and get help for his anger. If he thinks this is ok then you need to decide if this is how you want to spend the rest of your days.

Sorry that you've felt hurt by some of the posters on this thread but honestly, from what you've written, I don't think you are the problem here.

This isn't love you are co dependant. Your family are fed up of hearing about it because you will not listen to what everyone is telling you which is to leave him. He is emotionally abusive and your children are caught in the cross fire. Start therapy and build yourself up so you can leave this asshole. Would you be happy if your daughter had the same relationship? If not get in a place to end this ASAP. Children model parent relationships

There's only one person to think about.... your daughter. Growing up in this environment is terrible and she does not deserve it.

Imagine in 20 years time if your daughter came to you and said her husband is doing exactly what yours is doing... what would you tell her? I doubt very much you'd suggest make it work and stay. Re-read your post and pretend it's your daughter writing it.... then tell me what you think.

Maybe he's brow beaten you so much you don't even realise that this is abuse and he is controlling you.

You need to start realising your worth, you get one life and deserve to be happy and your daughter deserves to be happy and safe.

What exactly do you love about him?? He clearly doesn't respect you otherwise he wouldn't be calling you names. I'm actually quite shocked that after everything you posted you last things you say is that you love him and don't want to lose him...... but this is what coercive behaviour does to you, makes you think it's you when IT ISN'T!!!!

I just have to reiterate that you need to think about what is best for your daughter, she is the number one priority here not you or your husband

I also just have to add, I'm sure there are some replies here by people who have been on your situation and some who haven't.

Please seek out support, I can only imagine how hard it is and so scary. But life is far too precious to be living like this, there is a whole happy world out there for you and your daughter.

I think you'll find if you left this relationship you would not regret it, however if you stayed, you would, not only for your sake but your daughter's

Sending hugs to you

'We've always fought'.

Think of your poor daughter, growing up with parents addicted to the roller coaster of fighting. Put her needs first, not your need of adrenaline and make up sex.

It's ok. I was like this too. I'd start threads and have them pulled because I couldn't take people telling me that I was ruining my children's lives. It can take time to really internalise the fact that you've accepted an abusive relationship for yourself and for your children. I know this because I too started by posting things like "why does he shout at me, what can I do" and slowly realised that it's because I'm married to an abuser. It took me about 4 years from first post to really fully accepting it. Far too long. Don't let that be you.

What really did it for me is realising that we hate each other. He doesn't love me, he doesn't eve like me. The same is true for you. Your husband hates you.

Does he ever get physical with you OP?

You obviously should leave. In the meantime grey rock him. When he shouts at you just ignore him or look at him like he's deranged. Never raise your voice or retaliate. It took me a long time to master this but it was so effective. I treat it as a game where he wins if I shout or say something mean. I'll just look confused and say things like "what do you mean? Oh ok". He wants you to lose it because that's where his power comes from. You need to take the power back.