I don't support him, I'm jealous and worse. What am i doing so wrong to him

[Lostcause22]

This is my first time posting on a forum, I usually don't speak with anyone about mine and my husband's relationship any more. My friends and family are fed up of hearing it now, it makes me feel bad and yet I just don't know what to do.

We've been together 16 years, married almost 14.

We've always fought, it has always been a roller-coaster. Huge highs and even bigger lows. Crazy fights and amazing sex. Never a real constant tho. We've got better over the years, less aggressive. But... instead he says things that are just really hurtful. He has told me he wants a divorce, hates me, that I don't support him, am jealous, controlling and worse on more than 1 occasion. I forgive, forget and move on. I know he is only saying these things because he is upset.

But at the same time he is 1 min fine and the next just flips. Tonight, for example everything was fine (and has been for several weeks, since I over heard him speaking to his brothers on the 28th of Dec saying that he does everything. That I came from nothing and the only reason why I'm here now is cos of him) (this probably is true, I would never have got my degree and be in the position I am now had I not met him)

Any way back to tonight, he began planning a holiday with his brothers

He was on his phone, messaging and I asked him who he is chatting. No different to any other day or as he does to me (think he started it and it stuck, harmless, we both trust each other). He said the boys about the holiday. I said when you thinking of going and he snapped at me saying mid March. I said OK no need to snap. He said he didn't so I said OK and a went quite. He then tried to say how he wasn't snapping and I was saying fine OK but cos I went quite he flipped. he said that I should say I'm sorry for taking him wrongly, accusing him of snapping when he didnt etc. He continued shouting at me for about 5 min and he told me to go in the spareroom called me names and said that I'm only starting a fight cos I'm jealous he is going away. I'm self centered and do nothing for him whilst he does everything for me. I went downstairs and came back up about 5 min later. Said sorry and that I didn't mean to take him the wrong way.
He shouted even more, more names and that I start a fight everytime he goes away or does anything or plans anything for himself. I've tried saying that I don't want to fight and that I want him to go away cos I think it would be good for him and me and he replies with oh that's right you just want rid of me anyway. I'm a manipulator, council scum and and an arsehole that just takes and takes from him, show him nothing and never supports him. Never has and never will in his eyes. Yet, after 16 years of being together, him losing his job, us moving so many times to follow his career, him having 3 serious operations and retraining to mention just a few I am unsure how I have not supported him. Nevertheless, he wants me to give examples "how did you support me through those times? All you did was make it harder"

He is sleeping on the sofa now, it's our daughter's birthday, she heard us fighting before she went to sleep. I went in her room and got her to sleep after the fight. But she's still going to wake up and see dad downstairs, and holding a grudge to mum that will last at least 3 days (this is normal) it will not matter what I do or say he will not come round to me until he is ready.

What am I doing so wrong? I love him so much and don't want to lose him. How can i show him i do support him?

Please be kind And sorry for the essay!

Would you shout and swear at your daughter? Your mum? Your husband?

If not, why not?

And this is why your friends and family don’t want to talk about it, after probably years of giving you the same advice we’ve been giving you. You likely came here looking for methods to try to change his behaviour, to make him respectful, to make him appreciate you, and to get validation that you’re right to stay in the relationship. And as everyone has said, yes, he is treating you really badly, no, he won’t change, and yes, you are harming your daughter by bringing her up in a home where her father has no respect for her mother. He is not going to change so you either suck it up it and let him carry on or you get out. I suspect you’ll stay put and continue to let him treat you like something he found under his fingernail.

Another great piece of advice I had from years ago: he isn't a good dad and he doesn't put your daughter first. Good dads don't call their daughters' mothers council house scum and they don't scream at them.

What would you say if you were watching your best friend tolerating this from her husband?

Your husband is abusive and your daughter is watching you tolerate it, and learning.

You need to put her first! Don’t say ‘he’s a great dad’. He’s not. Great dads don’t disrespect and manipulate the mother of their children. You need to protect your daughter by taking her out of this situation.

He has brainwashed, gaslighted and worn you down to the point that you believe him and it is not true.

Maybe reflect on this being the reason why your friends and family don’t want talk to you about your relationship anymore. Because they can see that it’s abusive but whatever advice they give, you don’t want to hear it.

You can’t change an abuser. You could be the perfect Stepford wife pandering to his every whim and he’d still find reasons to shout at you and like shit. And then reward you with sex so you keep coming back for more humiliation.

Your daughter is grieving up with this as her role model of relationships. Think how you would feel when in 10 years she comes home sobbing that her partner is abusing her. Well that’s how your friends and family feel about your relationship.

Take off the rose coloured specs about this abusive pig and start seeing him for the vile bully that he is. Wake up before it’s too late

I've not read all the comments but it doesn't surprise me that you're getting a slating.

I really don't understand why you love him and want to keep him. You've educated yourself, you're clearly not stupid, you're capable of managing a family so just why stay with someone who treats you that badly.

Op please stop trying to justify your husband abusing you. Please seek some counselling.

I am so sorry that you are in this situation. I am sure you and your DH both love your daughter as much as you say. That doesn’t make what you describe right for your DD or you. I agree with others that he sounds abusive and cruel, and you are completely worn down. It’s hard to see the woods from the trees in this situation.

Why not call WA, or have a look online at the information available, you have nothing to lose. That’s the best advice I can give you. You can’t change him, but you can look at changing things for yourself and your DD.

I think people are being frank because you need a shock to wake you up to the situation you are in.

Your husband is abusive. He is choosing to be abusive to you, and he has worn down your self worth and your sense of what’s right to the stage where you think you are to blame for the way he chooses to treat you. This is wrong.

You cannot love him into being a better person. He doesn’t want that and you can’t make it be so.

You have to be strong for yourself and your child and take the steps needed to get you out of this life, because he is never going to change.

People are being very honest with you.

It is impossible for you to stay in this relationship and to put your child first.

You can only do one or the other. They are mutually exclusive.

So as hard as it may feel for you, that's the decision you need to make.

What do you want more, this relationship to continue or your daughter's wellbeing.

You may love her but you aren't currently prioritising her.

You'll always get nasty responses but also honest ones.

Ignore the bad ones and take on board the honest (sometimes brutal) ones. For the most part people are genuinely concerned for the welfare of you and your daughter. As for the unloved comments that's totally unhelpful and just plain nasty. They don't know you or your situation and I'll never understand why some people need to be like this when someone is clearly in a very upsetting difficult situation. It just makes it worse and they have no idea how this can push someone over the edge.

You've asked for advice and most people have offered that, even if it's not what you want to hear. As far as I can see nobody has suggested how you can "show him you support him" which speaks volumes I'm afraid.

Mumsnet should be about honest, supportive posts, not critical or judgemental. I'm sure that's what it was set up for in the first place. So let's show a little bit of compassion shall we?!! 🥰

He was annoyed that you weren’t bothered about his show of making arrangements for his boys holiday. He wanted to start a fight. It’s that simple.

So he took it further with his calculatedly over the top reaction to you asking about the dates so he could then gaslight you about you being arsey and take it from there.

He is manipulative and abusive and has gradually worked on you until he has you in a place where you take on his narrative and can’t see what’s happening to you. You would have got your degree without him, - it would have been different but you’d have made it work. You don’t need him as much as he wants you to think you do. He needs you to bolster his fragile ego and make feel he’s the Big Man he feels men ought to be. He wants you to feel you would be nothing without him. That’s not true and not what we want for people we genuinely love for themselves. You don’t want that for your daughter do you? - You want her to have confidence and self esteem, and that’s because you really love her and want her to be happy. Do you ever get the feeling your husband is annoyed by you being happy? Particularly if you are happy about something that hasn’t got anything to do with him. I bet you do, and I bet when that happens, something arises to cause a row, or make you feel guilty, and it somehow kills that happiness. Equally if you fail to be effusively happy when he does anything he considers to be nice, you will be dragged through hot coals over your ingratitude and the like.

Please don’t flounce because people are flagging the consequences for your daughter. Contact Women’s Aid or similar and talk through your relationship with someone on the outside. Without your husband.

Oh and please don’t think that only stupid people end up in abusive relationships. That’s absolutely not true. It’s not apparent at first and it develops insidiously.

Slow clap at all the posters who think that ‘telling it straight’ and ‘tough love’ is the way to support people.

I have harsh words coming to my mind tbh because the only thing you’ve done is push away someone who is a badly abusive marriage. And @Lostcause22 will now go away even more convinced that she is the one who is wrong.

Well done 🤬🤬🤬 (that’s to those posters, not you @Lostcause22 )

I was reading this thinking please don't let them have children but unfortunately you do. For the sake of your daughter you cannot be in this awful relationship. You've ruined your life being with him please don't ruin your daughters and let her believe all relationships are like yours.

Please don’t flounce because people are flagging the consequences for your daughter.

Someone else who thinks it’s all the OP’s fault for not carrying on reading a thread where people puts her down. Great…

My post is clear it’s NOT her fault. So I really hope she doesn’t flounce because of the negative comments about her daughter and instead seeks independent help that will help her see it’s not her it’s him!

@Lostcause22

I'm a manipulator, council scum and and an arsehole that just takes and takes from him, show him nothing and never supports him.

OP those words he's using towards you apply much more to him don't you think? I'm unsure why being a council tenant make you scum? Is every council tenant scum - or just you? Plus your birth family? Surely scum applies more to the person who's behaving in this despicable way to his partner? And does that make your daughter half scum, as she shares both your DNA?

Any BTW, he's abusing your child as well, as she's heard everything he shouted at you. I won't say Leave the Batard, as it's easier to say than to do. I will say, take a clear eyed view of what this relationship brings to you and your child. Look into the future to see how much worse it can be, and plan accordingly to make your lives a calmer place. 🌹

I can tell you, I wasn’t happy listening to my parents roar at each other, lying in bed listening to it wasn’t nice i never told my mum I never said a word as I thought they would shout at me too. So your daughter might appear happy but is that what you want for her? Her own father speaking to her mother like that? It’s scary and upsetting to hear it no matter how much she is ‘loved’ staying with someone who treats you like this because he us ‘angry’ is not putting your child first.

I get it’s horrible but what do you want us to say? You don’t want help or advice but for us to say this is ok or normal and you know it is not. Sadly. I hope you think long and hard about what you want from life and how your daughter is going to think relationships should be…would you want a man speaking to her like that, shouting at her etc….

This is what domestic abuse look like.

Exposing a child to this is child abuse.

Get evidence of how he treats you and
leave.

Do the freedom program. Speak to women's aid.

It's not even legal for him to be controlling and abusing you like this.

To answer the first post, what you are doing wrong with staying with this disgusting imbecile. He must have really worn you down to make you think you've done something he's done a number on you!

Council scum? For that alone, I'd end it. You're teaching your daughter that is normal in a relationship.

And guess what, you earned your degree. Not him. So you got yourself there.

Please please please make plans to start getting out of here. Don't let him know until you have a place to go because I can tell he will be vicious. He is awful. I cannot believe he spoke to you like that.

Would you do the freedom programme?
if it’s not abuse then great, you’ve lost nothing.
if it is abuse then it might be helpful to be told it by an outside source in a constructive way.
nothing to lose?

you that think our daughter is unloved by either of us you couldn't be more wrong.she is more loved than anything and is happy.

And yet you said:

He is sleeping on the sofa now, it's our daughter's birthday, she heard us fighting before she went to sleep. I went in her room and got her to sleep after the fight. But she's still going to wake up and see dad downstairs, and holding a grudge to mum that will last at least 3 days (this is normal) it will not matter what I do or say he will not come round to me until he is ready

I do not doubt that you love your daughter and want the best for her. However, you are allowing her to grow up in an abusive environment. You are doing this not because you are neglectful but because you have become codependent and willing to live with his abuse - because of the crumbs that he throws your way when it suits him.

Have you heard of Stockholm Syndrome, cycle of abuse, codependency? All are relevant to your relationship with this man. You are trying to find strategies that allow you to think that, 'deep down' he loves you and cares for you. He doesn’t. You are twisting and pretzeling yourself to try to make him stop abusing you. He won't.

He gets his kicks out of denigrating you and seeing how distraught you are when he is treating you like shit. And knowing that fabulous 'make up sex' is waiting for him, on a plate, whenever he decides to be 'nice' again.

And your poor daughter is growing up in this mess. Watching. Learning. Thinking this is normal.

Call Women's Aid.
Do the Freedom Programme.
Read Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft (free pdf online - see link posted by a PP).

And get counselling. I think this would really, really benefit you.

What do you love about him? He's seriously abusive. He is controlling your emotions.

Do you really want your DD thinking this is normal?

OP what did you expect? That people will tell you this is normal? That your child is not being affected? Nobody will tell you that because it's not true.
Children can get very damaged from watching other family members fight, being abused. It doesn't have to be directed at them.
This behaviour is not normal, it's not just "quick to anger", it's emotionally abusive and damaging.
I can see exactly how you missed all the flags and how you slowly boiled like a frog. You minimalise, ignore and blame yourself. There is no consequences for him and no understanding of how unhealthy this situation is. It's almost like you normalised it and are stuck in toxic cycle hoping you have a power to change it by trying harder while in reality that will only make him take you for granted even more.

No matter what you decide whether its saving your marriage or leaving, nothing is going to change until you face painful reality - this is abuse that absolutely has an effect on your daughter and requires drastic intervention - intense counselling that he agrees to or divorce. Nobody will tell you otherwise.