I don't support him, I'm jealous and worse. What am i doing so wrong to him

[Lostcause22]

This is my first time posting on a forum, I usually don't speak with anyone about mine and my husband's relationship any more. My friends and family are fed up of hearing it now, it makes me feel bad and yet I just don't know what to do.

We've been together 16 years, married almost 14.

We've always fought, it has always been a roller-coaster. Huge highs and even bigger lows. Crazy fights and amazing sex. Never a real constant tho. We've got better over the years, less aggressive. But... instead he says things that are just really hurtful. He has told me he wants a divorce, hates me, that I don't support him, am jealous, controlling and worse on more than 1 occasion. I forgive, forget and move on. I know he is only saying these things because he is upset.

But at the same time he is 1 min fine and the next just flips. Tonight, for example everything was fine (and has been for several weeks, since I over heard him speaking to his brothers on the 28th of Dec saying that he does everything. That I came from nothing and the only reason why I'm here now is cos of him) (this probably is true, I would never have got my degree and be in the position I am now had I not met him)

Any way back to tonight, he began planning a holiday with his brothers

He was on his phone, messaging and I asked him who he is chatting. No different to any other day or as he does to me (think he started it and it stuck, harmless, we both trust each other). He said the boys about the holiday. I said when you thinking of going and he snapped at me saying mid March. I said OK no need to snap. He said he didn't so I said OK and a went quite. He then tried to say how he wasn't snapping and I was saying fine OK but cos I went quite he flipped. he said that I should say I'm sorry for taking him wrongly, accusing him of snapping when he didnt etc. He continued shouting at me for about 5 min and he told me to go in the spareroom called me names and said that I'm only starting a fight cos I'm jealous he is going away. I'm self centered and do nothing for him whilst he does everything for me. I went downstairs and came back up about 5 min later. Said sorry and that I didn't mean to take him the wrong way.
He shouted even more, more names and that I start a fight everytime he goes away or does anything or plans anything for himself. I've tried saying that I don't want to fight and that I want him to go away cos I think it would be good for him and me and he replies with oh that's right you just want rid of me anyway. I'm a manipulator, council scum and and an arsehole that just takes and takes from him, show him nothing and never supports him. Never has and never will in his eyes. Yet, after 16 years of being together, him losing his job, us moving so many times to follow his career, him having 3 serious operations and retraining to mention just a few I am unsure how I have not supported him. Nevertheless, he wants me to give examples "how did you support me through those times? All you did was make it harder"

He is sleeping on the sofa now, it's our daughter's birthday, she heard us fighting before she went to sleep. I went in her room and got her to sleep after the fight. But she's still going to wake up and see dad downstairs, and holding a grudge to mum that will last at least 3 days (this is normal) it will not matter what I do or say he will not come round to me until he is ready.

What am I doing so wrong? I love him so much and don't want to lose him. How can i show him i do support him?

Please be kind And sorry for the essay!

That poor child.

Lostcause, please don't go. Yes, you've been given some harsh words but this is because everyone is outraged at his behaviour towards you. You've been with him so long now, you can't see that this is an abusive relationship, and no matter how much you love your daughter, she will be picking up on this constantly.

Think about what you want her childhood memories to be - Daddy shouting, sulking, sleeping on the sofa and giving out the silent treatment? It isn't too late to put a stop to it and choose a better life for you and for her. It's not easy to dismantle a family, and a home, but it's doable and the better, happier, calmer life you'd have on the other side would be worth all the stress, upset and upheaval.

You say you love him, but do you love yourself enough to realise that you and your daughter deserve better? Is this what you dreamed of for your life? If not, you can walk away and start again.

Your poor daughter. Why did you ever think it was a good idea to have a child with someone like that? You have my sympathy but as someone who had to live with domestic violence when I was a teen I just don't get it. My mum and stepdads relationship was doomed from the start, yet she still moved us in and married him, with no thought for her children. People don't change.

I'm picking up on this comment just because it was the last one and really not singling you out but how helpful do you feel a blaming and shaming comment to be?

Do you honestly think this encourages and motivates action and change or does it drive people away and entrenches their position.

We need to get better at this on Mumsnet because I think we're actively doing harm and that's scary.

I'm a psychotherapist OP and although I don't doubt you and your husband love your daughter, PLEASE do not underestimate the impact that your relationship has on her.

What you are describing is abuse.
Your daughter is experiencing abuse - children living in abusive environments are still experiencing abuse even if nothing is directed towards them/they don't personally witness anything.

They are still experiencing abuse.

Witnessing and hearing the way he treats and speaks to you will have a direct impact on her own relationships in later life. This is fact.

I would leave for the sake of your daughter. Personal and professional opinion.

It sounds like he is a problem and abuse! Typical narcissist behaviour where they make u believe your the problem and question yourself! Speak to womens aid !
Does he behave this way and say horrible things to any one else or can he control that around others? If so its an excuse

You need to take a good look at your child, decide that you want to be a good mother and give her a peaceful childhood and divorce. You shouldn't ruin her childhood by staying in this tension filled warzone because you have amazing sex with an abusive husband.

He has told me he wants a divorce

Do him a favour and file for one yourself.

This is so true and pertinent to OPs position. She has become so cowed and defensive because it's terrifying having to face up to the cruel reality that your partner absolutely despises you. I mean calling someone "council scum" and sending her to the spare bedroom....that's hate right there.

What's there to love about this prick? Get out. Do yourself and your daughter a favour. We only get one shot at all this? Leave while he's on holiday.

You can love your daughter and still be part of something that harms her. If you truly believe being woken by a shouting parent isn’t harmful and won’t be causing some damage, probably both in the short term and long term, you are seriously in denial and need professional help. I’m sorry if you’ve experienced unkindness in here but please take on board that a whole group of people can see something you can’t. It’s likely that your family can’t tolerate listening to you talk about this relationship because of the denial you’re in.

@goingrouge I know it probably sounded a bit harsh, I wasn't meaning to shame the OP. I just think growing up witnessing DV where my mum knew what he was like before we moved in and did it anyway expecting him to change, I hate the thought of any child having to live like it.

I do get that and I'm very aware of the harm and distress but I also have experience in how to work with victims of abuse and know how harmful the wrong approach can be. Please don't think I was targeting you but I can't reply to every poster.

I understand that you are confused and looking for solutions. But really, nothing you could say or do would make shouting at you, insulting you and ignoring you for days an appropriate reaction. This is just horrible abuse. I do not believe that there is anything you can do or say to change your husband. Please take to heart what others have written and make a plan to remove yourself and your daughter from this toxicity. Neither of you deserve this.

OP - i get you’re not ready to hear the truth but please take on board that the responses are pretty much unanimous that HE is the problem. Not one person is giving you the advice you may think you wanted to hear - that your in the wrong and you should change your behaviour - NOT ONE!!

it’s hard to hear I get that especially as you’ve spent years as a boiled frog where the abusive behaviour started subtly and has ramped up over the years.

But please read the responses and think of your daughter growing up in a toxic environment. If not for yourself do it for her future

@Lostcause22

Sorry OP, love is an action not a word. My dd was in a violent relationship and I helped her leave several times and she kept going back until I had to accept that she was ok with the violence (her business). But fortunately when she had a baby she realised that her dd should not witness such things and separated.

@WandaWonder can you please point out the bit where I said it's the child's fault? I never mentioned the child, just pointing out she is clearly in an abusive relationship and doesn't seem to realise this is not normal.

There is absolutely nothing you can do to prevent him acting like this. He cannot regulate his emotions. Innocuous interactions send him into a fight/flight state and until his understands why, this will continue.

He needs to understand this. You can help by having very clear boundaries around what you'll accept - but that probably means lots of pain in the meantime while you assert those.

Do not underestimate the damage that this kind of environment does to a kid. It's noticeable that your kid featured so little in your initial post. She's the priority not you or your husband.

Your daughter is learning that it is normal for men to verbally abuse their wives. It doesn't matter that he doesn't speak to her that way; she will still believe that verbal abuse is normal and expected in adult relationships. Someday she will choose a man just like dear old dad--a man who degrades her and hurls nasty abuse at her regularly.

If that is not what you want for your daughter you need to make some changes. Yes, you have gotten some tough love on this thread, but you are damaging your daughter and that upsets people. You created this thread for a reason--deep down you know this behavior is wrong.

Bloody hell. Why do you love him? He certainly doesn't act as if he loves you. He talks to you as if he hates you.

I'd leave him. Life is too short for this shit. And relationships aren't supposed to be this much hard work.

You are either fundamentally incompatible, or he's a bellend blowing up all the time, or both.

Either way, you deserve better.

I wouldn't put up with my h saying any of those things about me - why do you? You might find counselling helpful.

Nobody here is calling you a manipulator, council scum and and an arsehole that just takes and takes from him, show him nothing and never supports him, never have and never will, though. Even the ones pointing out that your child is present when he is abusing you and needs protecting from that.

He is, however.

(By the way, usually when they get all up themselves about jealousy and controlling, it tends to mean that they aren't just 'going away with the boys', they're with a mistress, gullible girlfriend they're teeing up for a role as replacement parent, looking for holiday hookups or booking prostitutes/trafficked women and cocaine with the lads. Nothing about this man suggests he wouldn't do that, particularly with the level of contempt he has for you. He's a repulsive tosser, which is the typical male in Amsterdam/wherever that does this)