(Ex) boyfriend repeatedly ending things. Help me stay strong this time.

[petnameforme]

I've been with my (now ex) boyfriend for 18 months. He has met my two children and they really love him. He's broken up with me maybe seven or so times in the last six months. One way or another we always end up talking again and before long we're back together. He can be very self aware, and he keeps promising to change. It has got better (the break ups were less often and less severe) but yesterday he ended things again, and this time he has blocked me on absolutely everything.

I absolutely know deep down this is a good thing and I should work on my self esteem before I try another relationship. But I love him a lot and I'm scared to be alone. Can anyone give me encouragement / stories of finding stable love when you're a mum with a full time job and 50% custody of your children? I feel so hopeless right now.

He will never change - right?

He won't change and stop doing this to your kids, you know it is wrong but your children don't

Put them first

I know. I've limited contact between them a lot because of the ups and downs but I don't want them to keep chucking their love away on someone who doesn't deserve it. How best to inform them? They're both young primary and have known him off and on for six months.

You deserve better & so do they

But I love him a lot and I'm scared to be alone.

Love is not a good basis for a relationship. We really need to stop treating it like it is. Love AND respect AND care AND attraction AND same values can be.

And being alone is practise. Get busy and stay busy. Try new things, plan stuff, be adventurous. Don't look for a boring life of coupledom as the end result. Learn Danish, take up cycling, learn to do the splits. If a nice bloke comes along, great. But don't hang your whole life on it.

They don't love him. I bet they won't even remember his name by the end of the year.

What scares you about being alone? Let’s start there.

Tell them once you know its permanent, as you say its been on/off the last 6 months so if you tell them every time it ends and then get back together it's messing them about.
It really is always better to be on your own than with the wrong person. Being so on/off must lead to a permanent state of anxiety until the next time. You deserve better than that.

It's a really good question re why am I scared to be alone. I'm financially secure and have a lot of great friends around me. I just have always had terribly low self-esteem, and I usually feel like I am not worth anything outside a relationship; I get very lonely especially when the children aren't here. On the other hand, I'm very successful at work and I think I do a pretty good job as a parent too. I don't know why I feel the need to validate myself through the attention of someone who chucks me away like I'm nothing. Fuck him. (That last bit is how I want to feel, but it isn't how I actually feel.)

Your children need stability in their lives. Seeing you with a BOYfriend (he isn't a man) on and off isn't good for them, or you. Delete his number, block him on WhatsApp, Facebook, etc. Build up some self-esteem. You deserve better than a BOY like that. Your children deserve a mother who will focus on them 100%.

Honestly? You need to be kind to yourself. Treat yourself like your own daughter. If your daughter was going out with some dude who kept finishing with her, what would you want her to do?

Go out with your friends and have fun. Do as MrsTerryPratchett says and take up a hobby. When he contacts you, be polite but distant. It really isn’t fun or healthy to keep getting back together with someone who blows hot and cold in this way.

(Well, I do a pretty good job when I'm not making shite decisions about my love life and involving them in it)

If you stay strong things will change. I had a similar relationship a few years back. Best thing I ever dis was to focus on my friendships and career. I've had a couple of relationships since which didn't go anywhere but recently I met someone new and so far, I think we're much better suited. It was worth the wait to be honest (but it's too soon to be 100% sure).

Good he sounds boring and attention seeking. He must love having you to pick up and put down.

you and your kids deserve better than this tosser. Hold firm, enjoy your time together as a family x

All of us are prone to this.

The trick is to decide WHAT to do not what not to do. Just 'not seeing him' isn't a positive choice. Deciding to learn to ride horses or learn Mongolian is. Create other things in your life you consider worthy.

Volunteering is always a good shout.

Why do you love someone who treats you like shit and dumps (and re-dumps) you every few weeks?

Why are you so desperate to be in a relationship (however awful), that you are prepared to put up with being treated like this?

Thanks everyone. You've all been really kind and I was expecting an absolute kicking for being so completely pathetic. I think I will look into some volunteering. I started doing some recently but he wasn't that interested so it will be good for me. I'm going to book a holiday just for me and the kids too.

YAY.

And come back here if you feel tempted. We shall save the kicking for then!

Join some groups. I’m in a walking group (just ladies) and it’s wonderful, we meet 3 a week, pub lunches, local theatre, it’s nice. You really need to work on your self esteem and find out why you need a man’s validation to be happy. You don’t. Especially not one who think he can dump you constantly and knows you’ll come running. Block him.

Drop him like a lead balloon

He's worse than the flu.

Don't let him mess you about, let him suffer loss as it's the only way he'll grow up. So you can move on and find someone decent who is not scared of commitment.

Kindly- I think it would be useful for you to do some therapy to address your low self esteem. What he is doing to you is causing emotional damage- he literally has you like a puppet on a string and is coming and going as he please with no consideration for your feelings or that of your children.

my advice now would be to also block him so that he cannot contact you to get back in your head

YOU ARE WORTH SO MUCH MORE!!

I heard something once and it stuck with me....

Love is not enough, its about how they make you feel.

I stand by this 1000%! It's not enough to love someone, they have to respect you too. I can't say too much without more context as to why he keeps breaking up with you, but you absolutely need to resolve your own issues I think before embarking on another relationship x

I think I'm prone to empathising with him and that leads me to excusing / understanding where the behaviour comes from. But ultimately he is responsible for doing the inner work needed to sustain a healthy relationship. He was committed to therapy so that was the reason I took him back the most recent time - but in the last few weeks it has become clear he is not going to continue with therapy. He's grown a bit tired of me saying that his behaviour is the problem.

Before he would break up after giving me silly, controlling ultimatums - that I couldn't go for drinks one on one with male colleagues, that I couldn't be friends at work with one particular male colleague, etc etc. It all comes from a place of insecurity and immaturity - both the ultimatums and the break ups. But I keep hoping, because he is self aware, that he will realise this none of this is acceptable behaviour in a relationship (he hasn't had much relationship experience despite being the same age). The problem is that I keep accepting it, so until I stop doing that he won't learn anything (and even then, he probably won't).

Basically, he keeps finding excuses to end things. This time around it's because of a particular incident but not one that I think is anywhere near a deal breaker even if he is feeling hurt (and I've apologised repeatedly anyway).

Thing is, he will really try and make you change your mind if he thinks youre trying to be strong.

Thank you - I am seeing a therapist so I will channel more energy into discussions about self esteem. Previous relationships were abusive (physically one and emotionally / psychologically another). This was a step in the right direction but not a big enough step.

I’m sorry he has been such a shit to you. Agree you need to work on your self esteem - counselling, hobbies are great ideas.

Please, please don’t introduce people you’re dating to your kids though. It’s confusing. Plus you don’t really know him from Adam. If it got so serious you were thinking of moving in, which should be a couple of years in my opinion, do a Claire’s Law check. And maybe then introduce them.

My parents split when I was young. The guy my mum met - well, we moved in quickly as he was lovely and she was pregnant. He was an absolute charmer and everyone loved him. but in reality, to live with, he was a drunk, violent, pissed himself on the sofa, gambler, porn addict, you name it. It affected me a lot. It’s just lucky nothing worse happened like child abuse but it does happen a lot. Guys can also prey on single mums for that reason :(