(Ex) boyfriend repeatedly ending things. Help me stay strong this time.

[petnameforme]

I've been with my (now ex) boyfriend for 18 months. He has met my two children and they really love him. He's broken up with me maybe seven or so times in the last six months. One way or another we always end up talking again and before long we're back together. He can be very self aware, and he keeps promising to change. It has got better (the break ups were less often and less severe) but yesterday he ended things again, and this time he has blocked me on absolutely everything.

I absolutely know deep down this is a good thing and I should work on my self esteem before I try another relationship. But I love him a lot and I'm scared to be alone. Can anyone give me encouragement / stories of finding stable love when you're a mum with a full time job and 50% custody of your children? I feel so hopeless right now.

He will never change - right?

Someone has to put healthy boundaries in. He won't so you must.

We were together for a year and thinking of cohabiting one day (after a few more years), so I wanted to see what he was like with the children before continuing the relationship. I do wish in hindsight I hadn't introduced but at that stage it felt like a good and long term relationship - next time I'll wait a bit longer and be more wary. I'm very sorry to hear of your experience.

Just picture your children as 20/30 year olds telling their friends and partners what a shitty upbringing they had because their mum stayed with an excuse of a man and didn’t put them first.

wanting to re-write this history before it’s even happened should be enough of a reason to end it.

give them a strong independent mum to look up to who doesn’t set them up for relationship issues of their own in the future.

He has treated you like shit, emotionally abusing, manipulating you and in turn your kids, taking all your time, energy and resources away from looking after them. Stay away from him, don't empathise with him, or try and understand him, he's bad news and not a safe person for you or your children. Dont let this happen again to them.

Dont assume you have all sorts of issues just because you gave the guy a few chances.

He was filling a need in you whichever way you look at it. So you were at least getting something.

And as for letting him see your children just see it as a friend who came in for a season rather than anything deeper. Perspective is everything in life and sometimes in MN things can go to the extremes!

Be kind to yourself. And keep your standards high

He really helped me with my post-divorce issues - my ex husband abused me mentally and quite severely; this ex at least helped me get over that. And when the controlling ultimatums came in, I simply said no thanks; noone can tell me who to be friends with and I'm not doing anything wrong. That was worlds away from where I was before.

Predictably, he has just emailed me to say he wishes things could have been different. This is how it starts. Kind of funny how he says that as though he wasn't in complete control of his own actions and decisions. If you didn't want to break up with me then you certainly went about things in an odd way!

I am not replying to that email, so I thought I would reply on here instead.

OP this is self fulfilling in the worst way.

you will never find someone kind and decent while you feel you are nothing outside of a relationship.

sorry to say that mindset attracts abusive shits while decent men would think ‘woah too damaged to be a viable partner’

you need to heal yourself first, develop your own sense of your self worth that can’t be shaken by ANYONE else.

set yourself a challenge. Decide now you are going to be single for at least, say, two years.

and in that time you are going to work on valuing yourself for yourself.

turn the love and compassion you are doling out to someone that doesn’t deserve it onto you.

nurture yourself. Date yourself.

literally write down things your dream partner would do for you and then set about doing those things for yourself

yes to examining your self esteem in therapy.

examine your beliefs about relationships too.

why do you believe you NEED one? Why are you behaving as if a bad one it better than being alone?

it really isn’t. But the number of women that believe it is and so stay in a bad relationship rather than being free and happy and single is a tragedy.

you are enough and worthy of happiness just as yourself xx

He was Mr Right Then.

I had a lovely unsuitable relationship just after my divorce. He helped me get over it, feel good about myself and heal. He was NOT a keeper. Yours isn't either.

Thank you. Your advice has been very reassuring and helpful. Did you find a keeper?

So he keeps breaking up with you, seven times in 6 months, so approximately once every 3 to 4 weeks. How bloody tiresome. He’s an attention seeking twat who gets off on knowing he can reel you back on. Or is it the case that he gets back together because he feels like a shag and isn’t getting much luck elsewhere?

He clearly doesn’t want you, he just likes the power trip of knowing he has you on a string. Please don’t let him keep doing this to you. Block him, delete his number, don’t reply to emails, texts or any other contact, ever. You need to wean yourself off this idiot. He’s not doing you any good whatsoever and is stopping you moving on. Be strong, stop taking him back as this cycle will never end until you break it.

Firstly, OP, I'm sorry to hear about what you are going through and I hope you and your children are ok?

When your ex breaks up with you and then you get back together - how does that affect your children? Are you 100% present parenting them? Or are you distracted by your heartache and your ex? I ask this with no judgement, BTW - it is only natural to be distracted by heartache, but not 7+ times in 6 months. Does this affect you and your children detrimentally? REMEMBER HOW HE MAKES YOU AND YOUR CHILDREN FEEL. Use that to drive your choices going forward.

Now, as for being alone - why are you scared? Only you can answer that question. Is being in a dysfunctional relationship better than being with your children with no distractions? All mothers truly know that when we have children - we are NEVER alone!! The love and happiness you will get from your children who have a parent who is happy and present in parenting them is priceless.

You can date again - when you are ready. Take a bit of time for yourself and heal. But I echo other members on here about introducing your dates to your kids. Unfortunately, from experience - dating after divorce.... A couple of men I dated didn't stay in my life. But they didn't meet my children. So my kids were not affected. Partners may come and go, but our children do not. They just want YOU, 100% present in their lives. And I hate to say it, but if you make bad choices - your children WILL remember it and carry that baggage into their adult lives. Something most of us can relate to.

I hope this helps - do reach out if you need to? x

Sounds like he has BPD or similar.. you need to walk away OP

I did.

For the love of god, just bin him off and stop confusing your children!!!!

You have to love YOU.

And FYI, he actually has all the self reflection of the water in a bucket with a hole in it. And he's just as fucking empty as the bucket is.

No more pouring the waters of your soul into it. There's no point of emptying yourself trying to fill him.

I've got personal experience of this. My ex broke up with me so many times I lost count. It got to the point I was bored of my own breakup.

It's emotional blackmail. He didn't want to break up. He wanted me to double step to calling him a million times, offering him anything he wanted in exchange for me getting another chance, he wanted his ego soothed, he wanted attention, and he wanted a complete absence of any accountability for his behaviour. Playing with my emotions to get his own way was completely normal behaviour to him.

No amount of explaining my position to him helped. I broke up with him for a few months (well I walked away when he broke up with me, I should say). That didn't work. Him getting put on medication didn't help. Giving him chances didn't help. Trying to understand him better didn't help. Trying to avoid his triggers didn't help (there would just be new ones). They don't change. They want an emotional punch bag, not a relationship.

The only thing that worked was telling him he had one last chance to stop doing it and actually meaning it. That lasted less than a week before he did it again and we've been broken up permanently ever since. He's blocked on everything, my phone is set to not accept calls from withheld or unknown numbers, and all his many, many attempts to contact me have been ignored.

If I had given him another chance, he would have already have broken up with me several times already by now. Plus, I would have heard all about what a terrible person I am to boot. No, thanks.

Please be strong. Block him and never speak to him again. He doesn't love you. He loves controlling you and getting endless amounts of attention from you. He's poisonous.

Yes, it's likely to be splitting, if you want to Google it.

Definitely not something you want in your life.

I'd fuck him off completely - waste of energy!

Thank you. I appreciate you giving me the benefit of your experience because it's the hope that he will change that keeps driving me getting back together with him. I know what you mean about being bored of my own break up - I am embarrassed to approach my friends because it's happened so many times. All I need to say now is "He did it AGAIN!" and they all know who and what! I can't continue a relationship with someone who disregards the feelings of my children (and mine) and I don't want a relationship with someone that my friends quite understandably don't like.

(That post was meant to quote @WolvesDiscoandBoogaloo )

He's broken up with me maybe seven or so times in the last six months

fuck that for a game of tennis !
that’s literally non stop perma anxiety writ large

I know you fancy him , I know you like him but this is misery no ?

so many people end up in a shit relationship after a shit realtionship
its very normal very human

Well he's not going to change is he. Ending a relationship every few weeks and then restarting it, is not normal behaviour and it is not a strong, healthy relationship.

It's time to start afresh and tell him this isn't working and you are ending it. Stop putting your children and yourself through this nonsense.

You are worth more than being his emotional punchbag to make him feel better about himself, and you should not accept this instability and uncertainty for your DC either. Be thankful he has blocked you. Walk away and stay away - this will improve your own mental health. You loved someone who doesnt even love themself enough to treat you well. You can't fix him.

I know exactly what you mean about talking to friends. I didn't want to tell anyone about what was happening because it was just plain embarrassing. And also, I knew when he changed his mind again, he'd be wanting to tag along with me and my friends and it would make it awkward for me if they disliked him too much.

It's no way to live, honestly. It's such a relief not walking on eggshells anymore.

But, I think even worse than trying not to set off another attack, was the cognitive dissonance he expected me to live with. I was supposed to wholeheartedly believe what he said one minute; that I was a worthless human being that wanted to make everyone around me miserable, that I was pretty much evil, and I could go get in the bin because I was dead to him. And then the next, I was supposed to believe we were in this magical, perfect relationship and I was the most beautiful, amazing woman in the world and we were going to get married and be together forever and I should give him all my love and trust and affection without question.

It was a total head fuck.

He’s abusive too, controlling and manipulative. Sounds exhausting.

Have you ever done the Freedom Programme? Sounds like that could be really helpful to you.