(Ex) boyfriend repeatedly ending things. Help me stay strong this time.

[petnameforme]

I've been with my (now ex) boyfriend for 18 months. He has met my two children and they really love him. He's broken up with me maybe seven or so times in the last six months. One way or another we always end up talking again and before long we're back together. He can be very self aware, and he keeps promising to change. It has got better (the break ups were less often and less severe) but yesterday he ended things again, and this time he has blocked me on absolutely everything.

I absolutely know deep down this is a good thing and I should work on my self esteem before I try another relationship. But I love him a lot and I'm scared to be alone. Can anyone give me encouragement / stories of finding stable love when you're a mum with a full time job and 50% custody of your children? I feel so hopeless right now.

He will never change - right?

But, I think even worse than trying not to set off another attack, was the cognitive dissonance he expected me to live with. I was supposed to wholeheartedly believe what he said one minute; that I was a worthless human being that wanted to make everyone around me miserable, that I was pretty much evil, and I could go get in the bin because I was dead to him. And then the next, I was supposed to believe we were in this magical, perfect relationship and I was the most beautiful, amazing woman in the world and we were going to get married and be together forever and I should give him all my love and trust and affection without question.

This is spot on. I think that’s why it’s such a head fuck and you don’t know what to believe anymore. Which is how they want you. Confused and unsure of your own feelings and thoughts. That way they can do what they like and blame you for it.

Honestly they never change. It took my XP about 5 years but he did eventually repeat the exact behaviour again, albeit with many smaller incidents in between. Then we split AGAIN for about 6 months, I was at rock bottom, not suicidal but near enough, and by chance we bumped into each other, started the whole stupid rollercoaster again, while I tried to prove that I was worth another chance 🙄 and then he dumped me again!! Or at least told me he’d be seeing other people while I auditioned for my old position!

Please jump off this horror ride now and don’t look back. It isn’t love, it’s codependence and it’s not healthy for either of you.

What did your parents’ relationship look like when you were growing up? Have you witnessed a healthy relationship at all? Is there anyone around you whose marriage you envy and could you imagine them being put in this position over and over? You deserve better. We all do.

Yes I get what you mean about the cognitive dissonance. My ex husband was a lot like that - all pikachu shocked face when I told him the cards he sent me saying how wonderful I was meant nothing when the day before he'd been ripping my character to shreds in detail.

This ex doesn't really do that, he just emotionally shuts down and goes ice cold until he's had the space he needs. He's had a lot of emotional difficulty but the only person who can change the pattern is him, and it's too late whether he can or not.

You framed your initial post as though any man is better than no man. That is simply not true. Being single is 100000 times better than being embroiled with a controlling, manipulative, selfish abuser.

Get free of him. Enjoy being single and rebuilding yourself. In good time you might meet another man. A decent, kind one who deserves a relationship with you. But if you don't, you'll still be much better off than being with that man.

I could have written this post myself. This is what my last relationship was like and every time he was unhappy with anything regardless of how minor, he would block me and ignore me for days or sometimes weeks. I would forget all about how I had done nothing wrong and I'd be desperate for another 'chance'. It's soul destroying and you are nobody's punch bag OP. It's manipulative and controlling. The hot and cold cycle over time almost builds a trauma bond between you and that person.

Block him OP. Move on. For you and for your children. He isn't ever going to be the man you want him to be. 🌸

Yes I've just been looking back over the times he's seriously ended it before (three times a serious break up and the other four were more heat of the moment / instant make ups). It actually makes me quite angry reading them over. He only seems to want me when I've decided I've had enough. Attachment issue.

I love that you have things written down. Keep that safe so you can re-read it as many times as you need to give you righteous anger. How dare he!

Let this be the final break up, before your friends get sick of hearing about it. I can guarantee if they know about what’s happened so far they all already think the relationship is dogshit.

I have someone in my life who has an on again off again relationship and everyone around her is bored to tears with it to the point that people have started distancing themselves from her - me included.

We just cannot listen to her talk about it any more. And then she expects us to be nice to him and include him in things when they’re on again.

He's broken up with me maybe seven or so times in the last six months.

Does this sound like a person who cares about and respects you?

Yes I feel I've become a burden to my friends and sister with it. I don't want them to dread me contacting them. I've made a nice dinner and I'm watching a new show. This is quite a big difference to previous breakups for me.

Have you reached the stage of calm acceptance over it, do you think? Just getting on with your day sounds like a positive start.

No, I don't think I have at all. I would like to but I'm looking at his social media and other ill advised things. Even though I know this is the right thing, I still am finding it hard to believe that it's really over and we can't even be friends.

It is hard. I promise you it gets a lot easier, but that takes time and distance.

I won't tell you to stop snooping because I've done it myself. It's obviously not helpful, but curiousity can be too powerful to resist!

It might be you can salvage a friendship in the future. You'd need a lot of water under the bridge first, but it's possible. You might find that you don't want one in the future though.

Yes - though he only has a Twitter account that is somewhat work related (his passion) and so it's just full of stuff about his work and probably always will be. Looks like he didn't sleep at all last night. I recognise looking is not very helpful to me so I'm listening to a podcast and doing a bit of journalling to try and give myself a more productive activity...

I think he won't do friendship, based on how he is. He was always adamant that it is inappropriate to be friends with your ex if you're in a new relationship (which I think is a bit immature but I know a lot of people feel the same). Thank you for your advice. It's really helpful.

Totally agree with this. Ask yourself why you focus so much on finding and being with a man rather than being happy and content in your own skin?

Until you’re comfortable being on your own, then you aren’t ready to be in a relationship imo. Take time to be single and work on yourself and what you really want from a relationship rather than getting into another wrong one just for sake of having any man.

And try really hard to leave this one in the past. You know checking up on him isn’t healthy. Occupy yourself keep busy

Would you consider showing any of them this thread, and asking them to support you in not responding to him if you start weakening?

So the breaking up behaviour started about the same time as he met your children. Were the breakups mainly on the weeks you had them, or the weeks you didn't? Is there a chance he wanted your full attention to be on him?

Always after we'd spent a week where he was more involved with the children. He loved spending time as a 4. I think it is possible that either he felt pressure and / or that it was too much of a commitment for him. It's tough because the reasons he gave always changed and always felt quite odd (or could have been fixed by him just speaking up a bit more instead of letting resentment build then exploding).

The longer you are looking at his socials etc, the more likely it is that you'll take him back.

The more you take him back, the more your children will continue to witness unhealthy and toxic relationships first hand through you.

The more that happens, the more likely it is they'll replicate this dynamic in their own relationships as adults.

Wouldn't that break your heart?

Don't they deserve more than that?

Wouldn't you rather teach them that it's better to be single than to be in an unhealthy and toxic relationship?

So, it's time to put them first and to get rid of this wanker entirely.

Have you blocked him on all platforms (phone, WhatsApp, socials, email) yet? If not, why not? Maybe if you talk this through on here then we can help you to do that today.

He's already blocked me or is blocked on everything. I can still see his tweets but that's basically it (because you can still see tweets from someone you've blocked if you want to).

So why look? Do you like punishing yourself? Maybe you can do more housework or get a hobby?

It's worth still blocking him on things like WhatsApp / text, even if he's blocked you first. It means that when he inevitably tries to hoover you back, you won't get the messages or calls.

Can you articulate why it is you're checking his Twitter page? What do you think you can get out of doing that? Worst case scenario it upsets you or you get sucked back in. Best case scenario is... what?

I know that the below probably isn't nice to read but do you see that it's true?

The longer you are looking at his socials etc, the more likely it is that you'll take him back.

The more you take him back, the more your children will continue to witness unhealthy and toxic relationships first hand through you.

The more that happens, the more likely it is they'll replicate this dynamic in their own relationships as adults.

Wouldn't that break your heart?

Don't they deserve more than that?

Wouldn't you rather teach them that it's better to be single than to be in an unhealthy and toxic relationship?

It's only been 3 days- I'm just struggling and have a bit of anxious attachment. I know it's not healthy and I'm trying not to do it but I'm also trying not to judge myself too harshly because I'm at least trying to do healthier things. I work full time so I'm plenty busy! Just have always skewed anxious and have very poor self control. Things to work on.

When someone is hot and cold, or who can make you feel good and then block you and cut you off, it's normal to develop an anxious sort of attachment to them. If this happens for a long enough period of time it can develop into a trauma bond. I speak from experience. You should be able to relax in a relationship and rely on stability, consistency and rational behaviour. You can't so no wonder you feel anxious. You're right that it's not healthy. I hate to be so direct but I mean it with the utmost kindness, you cannot be friends because this person is not looking after your wellbeing. And at the very least that is what we need from a friend let alone a partner.

Think about your children. He may enjoy time as a 4. But he is dropping them too. He is cutting them off too. That is not love and you all deserve better. Your children deserve to be able to rely on the adults in their life to show up and it helps them form their expectations for the future.

Be kind to yourself, stay strong (I know how hard it is) and one day I guarantee you will look back on this and realise this is the right thing. Do not chase after him and go back into this cycle. 💕

I should have added, it's ok to struggle and that's why you need a support network. It's only been 3 days. It gets easier with time and take it literally 1 at a time. No contact. You will be ok.