Is my husband gay/bi

[Dabac12345]

Been married to my partner for 6 months, together for 3 years in total.
A few months ago I found email notifications on my husbands phone from gay dating sites. I confronted him about it and he said he wasnt sure of his sexuality years ago and they're old emails and he was talking to guys but nothing more.

He is lazy and doesnt decativate things so i can believe he didnt deactivate old profiles, he said he didnt use any pictures etc, he's from a conservative family so wouldnt want anyone to catch him.

He has a 2nd phone for work which i asked him to show me but he refused to, he wiped it clean whilst we were at work and said it had gay porn and he was ashamed to tell me about anything, the porn and his possible sexuality

I love him and gave him benefits of doubt but this weekend i saw snapchat on his phone and opened it and hes following guys who post naked pics so whatever he was doing he is continuing. If i confront him he will deny it and delete snapchat, his phone is locked i only got into it those 2 times by luck.

Im not sure what to do, all Im thinking right now is that my marriage is over.

He may not have physically cheated but talking to or exchanging pictures is cheating in my book, its different to watching porn.
And if hes gay this will never work

Completly lost with how to tackle this and i dont want to talk to my friends about it as its so private and to do with his personal life, no one else knows he is potentially gay/bi

I'd bet every penny I had that the profiles aren't from before you were together .
I'm afraid I'd have to end it I couldn't personally cope with this in my relationship .
My guess if he's gay but worry about upsetting his family has kept in in the closet
Sorry op it's a very shit situation and he's been very unfair to you

This could be sex addiction that has escalated into more taboo territory for him or it could be unresolved sexuality issues.

Either way he has been unfaithful and needs his own individual therapy to get to the bottom of what it is for him.

You will need your own individual betrayal trauma therapy

I can recommend the laurel centre as it does need to be specialised rather than couples counselling as this isn't a relational issue.

There is a group on reddit called love after porn with great resources and support. Lots of women in your exact same situation. The questioning can make you feel crazy.

It won't be anything to do with you op it is an entirely him problem.

I'd suggest a honest conversation with him about how you wish to proceed. Whatever you wish there is no obligation to support him whatever it turns out to be for him.
You may never get the full answers from him and that will take time to accept and move on from.

He watches way too much porn so there is definitely addiciton problems there, its the betrayal and trust which hurts the most.
My gut is telling me my marriage is over but dont know if im catastrophising

How is your sex life? How is the rest of your marriage?

If he is bi does that mean that end of your marriage? I can see that the secrecy is not ideal but perhaps understandable given his background.

Whether he's gay or bi isn't the main concern here tbh. It's his ability to sneak around and lie to you about it.

The gay porn may be a fantasy thing. You may be happy with that remaining a digital fantasy. You may not.
It completely changes when he starts speaking with people. That's crossing a boundary.

The lying, the sneaking, that should be the big red flag here. It would be just as bad if he was doing this with either men or women.

I'm 70% sure he cheated and a 100% sure he is at minimum bi.
Get std checked and divorce.
Sorry, editing:
Divorce if you dont want to be with a bi man.

I think if it was the other way and he was on hetero dating sites, receiving/sending photos to a woman then I would consider this as bad as cheating so I would end it, because it's men he obviously doesn't think he's doing anything wrong! It would be over imo, it's just such a shame and I'm so sorry this is happening to you. You haven't done anything wrong here xx

Sex life is average but most of the time its me initiating, he never says no and can get an erection but i can count on my hands the amount of times he has cum on 2 hands.

He flat out denied everything the first time despite me having proof and then eventually admitted to it, even his choice of words, 'i would never do anything to risk us' there was no mention of i didnt cheat

Marriage is hard work, we never lived together before and ive moved in with him to a different area, not too far but still not where i use to live so overall a massive adjustement for me.

I got myselt STI checked after the first time and all came back clear, the first time i asked if he was bi he said he wasnt sure, i feel he as at minimum bi, its the deception and lying, if he told me he was bi it would have been a different story, i am a very understanding person and actually too nice.

Ive been a doormat my whole life and its now coming back to bite me in the arse :(

That's how I'd be looking at it.

Are things fine besides what you have seen on his phone OP? To put it another way, if you had not seen his phone would you be content in your relationship?

This isn't to just dismiss what's on his phone as he could have suppressed his sexuality. But as others here have said this could just be taboo interest (anecdotal but I have a gay cousin and he has seen first hand the significant number of straight men on various gay sites (including porn) and he puts it down to taboo/fantasy with no interest beyond that). Now if it goes beyond just viewing and actually meeting that's a different story.

It could just be he needs some help for a porn addiction OP, or it could be, as MightyGoldBear put it, something more. You need to chat with him and get him to open up as to what exactly this is.

Cross post, I see you are not content.

Is it worth saving then OP? You deserve better than this. Him being honest (and none of this "I'm not sure") would be a start.

You deserve more and in time you could despise what he could rob you of. His issues don't need to ruin your life but basically he's in the closet.

the first time i asked if he was bi he said he wasnt sure

Oh hes sure he just doesn’t want admit it to you

He doesn't orgasm from sex with you - yeah that sounds like he's more than bi. He's a liar and has no problem doing things behind your back so there's not going to be any trust. I think for your own sake you need to end this, you'll be wondering and worrying for the rest of your life otherwise - and that is no way to have to live.

Op, just admit to yourself that marrying him was a mistake and you cannot continue to be married to him. It really is ok, and loving someone is simply not enough sometimes, and you are married to a man who can't even be honest with himself. Don't squander years of your life on a doomed marriage.

The marriage is nowhere near content, theres other issues and concerns, i can also think of other small things that make the sexuality thing more believable

@MightyGoldBear

This could be sex addiction that has escalated into more taboo territory for him or it could be unresolved sexuality issues.

I don't buy this taboo territory narrative that people continue to spread. The lengths that people will go to to deny being bisexual/gay etc.....
It's definitely unresolved sexuality issues, or even resolved ones. He could know for sure what his sexuality is but be lying. He's definitely at least bisexual.

Op, if you want a happy life in a healthy relationship, and especially if you want children, you need to rip the plaster off and face this head on. The marriage needs to end.

I confronted him about it and he admitted to being in a groupchat with random men and exchanging explicit pictures, I was unaware he was sending pictures himself which makes it even worse.
He also didn't seem to think it was cheating or doing anything wrong, he now says he know it is but I don't believe anything he says.
He is addicted to porn and he also has some other built up issues which he said he will work through, starting with therapy which he says he doing is for me. therapy and working on yourself should be for you not for anyone else, I am working through some of my other issues but all for me. Have also looked into betrayal trauma therapy

I love him and I don't doubt that he loves me but not sure i can trust him.

I'm still processing everything and am in shock, anger also isn't an emotion I possess, so most of my emotions are around sadness and upset, I also compartmentalise everything, but I don't think that and the lack of anger is healthy and have no idea what to do now :(

He’s a gay/bi porn addict who sees nothing wrong with sending and receiving dick pics from/to groups of other gay men.
Your sex life is crap
He’s lying and gaslighting you

And you seriously don’t know what to do?
There’s nothing to save here OP - your marriage is a lie. Don't waste any more years waiting for something that was never real.

Find your anger and kick his cheating lying arse to the kerb.

Give it up now, don't waste decades like Schofields wife did.He's gay.

And, have another STI appointment as you leave.

Your sex life is not average if he hardly ever finishes. The problem for most men (I am a man BTW) is holding on long enough to satisfy their DP, not failing to cum. I could probably count the number of times I've had sex and not cum on the fingers of one hand.

If you stay with him he’ll break your heart. My dad had 2 marriages & 4 kids. He was always cheating on my mum. The last straw was catching him in bed with another man. He ended up in a relationship with his male best friend. A lot of gay men get married & have families to hide who they really are. A friend slept with over 20 women before coming out.

Staying with him would ruin how I feel about sex and marriage. I think it would dent my self confidence. I would not have sex with him, sleep separately and separate fully when finances are arranged so that I'm not twice fucked over. Yes please get tested, tell them he slept with men so you get full sti test as some are not offered for hereo sex only.

OP you need to end this marriage.

He has married you under false pretences.

The fact that you mention that he is from a 'conservative family' makes me think that he married a woman to keep appearances and to have kids while fully intending to continue having hook-ups with men.

You really deserve better than this...no amount of counselling is going to change the fact that you can't trust this man.

Oh god he's gay and you are his beard. He can't come out to his conservative family so he's hiding behind your marriage all the while seeking out men to have sex with. He will eventually fall in love and leave you, probably a few kids in and leaving you in a worse position than you are now
Your marriage is over, don't waste another second on the liar and cheat