Is my husband gay/bi

[Dabac12345]

Been married to my partner for 6 months, together for 3 years in total.
A few months ago I found email notifications on my husbands phone from gay dating sites. I confronted him about it and he said he wasnt sure of his sexuality years ago and they're old emails and he was talking to guys but nothing more.

He is lazy and doesnt decativate things so i can believe he didnt deactivate old profiles, he said he didnt use any pictures etc, he's from a conservative family so wouldnt want anyone to catch him.

He has a 2nd phone for work which i asked him to show me but he refused to, he wiped it clean whilst we were at work and said it had gay porn and he was ashamed to tell me about anything, the porn and his possible sexuality

I love him and gave him benefits of doubt but this weekend i saw snapchat on his phone and opened it and hes following guys who post naked pics so whatever he was doing he is continuing. If i confront him he will deny it and delete snapchat, his phone is locked i only got into it those 2 times by luck.

Im not sure what to do, all Im thinking right now is that my marriage is over.

He may not have physically cheated but talking to or exchanging pictures is cheating in my book, its different to watching porn.
And if hes gay this will never work

Completly lost with how to tackle this and i dont want to talk to my friends about it as its so private and to do with his personal life, no one else knows he is potentially gay/bi

You don't trust him. His sexuality is neither here nor there; the relationship is already over.

Blunt, I know. Sorry.

Gay or Bi he's a wrong un. I'd throw this one back

Yes, your husband is gay - as was mine. Same story almost to the letter, including the conservative family and the adequate sex life (I always got the feeling he was ‘acting’ the part of a straight man, but it didn’t feel authentic, if you know what I mean). I think he married me because I was ‘good on paper’. I bet if you do a bit of snooping you will find ‘gay accoutrements’ - condoms, lube, etc. tucked away in a wash bag under his jumpers or a long unused coat pocket at the back of the wardrobe. It could send you insane. In the end we split. We had been together 15 years and hadn’t had sex for the previous 6, and even before that it was sporadic and instigated solely by me. You’re lucky - you don’t have to waste that much time on a man who can’t love you the way you deserve to be loved. I’m now with someone who is genuinely mad about me and the difference is like night and day.

If he had a liberal family, you wouldn't be in the picture. Your life could be better than this!

This is your story. OP's may be different, and it's not fair to tell her with such certainty that it isn't. You don't know.

im in love with this introvert guy.. he is younger than me by 10+years and recently i found out he is gay too by an accident.. he dont know i know.. and only me know about it andhe is from a conservative family, for sure he dnt want anyone else to know about it even the slightest.. ive been trying everything i can n i cant win his heart.. can anyone help me...please
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I agree @Dabac12345 all signs point to this marriage being dead in the water.

First he is constantly lying and concealing things from you.
Your sex life sounds terrible and completely one sided with him.just going through the motions.
He is definitely sexually attracted to men and seems to have no problems "initiating" there.
He has an extreme addiction to porn.
He is unable/unwilling to stop even though its endangering his marriage.
He isn't prioritizing you and your needs above his secret desires.

All the evidence points to a gay man rather than a bi man who is using you as cover because of his own guilt/shame most likely from being raised in a conservative family.

Whatever his own sexuality he is obsessed with it rather than you only 6 months into marriage.

For your own sanity you most likely should get out. You may want to find a therapist to talk this this through with if you feel you can't talk with friends. Although I think you SHOULD talk to friends or family who you trust as he is isolating you by expecting you to keep his secrets, which you have no obligation to do. If you find any more evidence take pictures of it on your own phone.

So sorry this is happening to you. Nobody should be betrayed, lied to and gaslit in this way.

Also there is the risk of STDs to you as you can't be sure with all his lying and talking online that he isn't meeting up with men too.

Think of a year from now, then 5 years from now.
Is he suddenly going to become un-bi or un-gay ? I don’t think that’s possible, he is what he is.
Think about your future and what you want as he seems to be looking after himself.

Ive ordered STI kit, did one the first time months ago which came back clear.
Ive also told a close friend and my sisters who are fuming and upset. Theyve said only i can decide but i owe him nothing
Im still in shock and processing, feels like im in a dream or something

There's nothing in this marriage to save. Leave for your own sake.

It's great that you have spoken to others, you need that to get perspective and to have support. You haven't mentioned children so I assuming you don't have kids together. Be grateful for that as he seems incapable of putting others first when necessary.

Sadly, it's still not uncommon for closeted gay men (and women) to get married and/or have children with opposite sex partners. Some men will sleep with multiple women to 'prove' to themselves they're not gay.

I had a regular sex life with my ex, but he turned out to be gay and (like someone else said) the contrast compared to my new, straight partner is like night and day. A lot of other women in my situation have said the same. You don't realise until you are with someone who really is attracted to you.

Aside from the sexuality thing, he's lied to you and you have other issues. Is this a relationship you want to stay in? I wish I had known before I had children and wasted 19 years of my life with my gay ex.

If you're not ready to confide in anyone in real life, you might like to talk to others in your situation. Straight Partners Anonymous is a UK support group for people who are told, or find out some other way, that their partner is LGBTQ.

With kindness, you have now had reason to confront him three times and he has lied three times then first admitted not being sure, then joining gay dating sites and now sending naked pictures to other men.

Come on, what does he actually need to do the fourth time for you to find your self worth, accidentally trip over and inexplicably land penis first inside another man's rectum?? I'm sure he'll have a perfectly plausible explanation for that one too.

You know this isn't going to work. Don't put yourself through anymore of his denial. You deserve better. He's already shown repeatedly he can't be honest with you. He fancies men. You already know that.

I love him and I don't doubt that he loves me but not sure i can trust him.

Mate, you’re right, you’re a total doormat. 😞 And of course he’s gay. But it’s moot, he sounds very, very low quality in every other way. He’s a lying, cheating, porn-addicted bag of shit.

@Someonhurts assuming this is real, assuming you are a woman, you can’t win someone’s heart ( in a romantic way) if they are gay. You can hope to have a loving friendship but it won’t be sexual, not unless you don’t mind being used as a front by someone who doesn’t want to face up to/ be open about their sexuality. Just don’t go there.

You had no inkling if any gayness before you got married?

If that's the case then he had fraudulently deceived you.

He's not going to suddenly turn off his gayness and I'm sorry as this must hurt but he married you so that you can be his beard to his family.

You deserve a man who loves you and you only.

Agree, it seems conclusive now.

It's one thing looking at porn (nothing can be concluded from that as many straight men and women watch gay/lesbian porn), but to exchange naked photos with other men..ie. he's masturbating looking at pictures of gay men he's contacted (who i'd imagine are also erect), he's attracted to men.

He might not necessarily be gay, he could be bi which in iself would be fine for many, but he's going behind your back by contacting other men so he's making it personal with them. It's cheating at the very least.

It's your decision OP but do be grateful you know all this just 3 years in rather than much further on down the line.

I love him and I don't doubt that he loves me but not sure i can trust him.

Does he love you the way you want to be loved though?

And you can't trust him...6 months in and he's cheating, and he's very likely to be gay but very unlikely to admit it.

It sounds like you don't like him, and he's lazy and a porn addict. Even with just these things that aren't related to his sexuality it's enough to make leaving him a good idea, best of luck.

I would leave IIWY.

But nobody is you. You have to set your own boundaries. Infidelity regardless of with a woman or man would be a deal breaker for me.

More than that, I couldn't settle as somebody's cover. On the face of it, he is gay and ashamed of it. You present a neat vision of what he thinks his family would like him to be.

You deserve more.

I don't think porn is the clincher. Plenty of women who aren't gay or bu watch lesbian porn

I’m sorry you’re going through this. Most people would know that engaging and sending explicit images of yourself to others isn’t exactly faithful. He may be trying to justify himself by claiming it’s not cheating as he may not have physically cheated but what he’s doing is wrong and he still hurt you.

I know it’s easy for everyone to tell you to walk away and end your marriage but when you’re in that situation it’s difficult. You need to take some time to think about what you want in life. Sadly the trust is gone now and it’s incredibly hard to build it back up. It’s great you’ve told people irl and that they are being supportive. Personally, it might do you some good to have some distance from him. Can you tell him to sleep elsewhere for a few days so you can process what you want to do?

It saddens me beyond belief to see women settling for so little - please don't be this OP you need to leave this man.