Is my husband gay/bi

[Dabac12345]

Been married to my partner for 6 months, together for 3 years in total.
A few months ago I found email notifications on my husbands phone from gay dating sites. I confronted him about it and he said he wasnt sure of his sexuality years ago and they're old emails and he was talking to guys but nothing more.

He is lazy and doesnt decativate things so i can believe he didnt deactivate old profiles, he said he didnt use any pictures etc, he's from a conservative family so wouldnt want anyone to catch him.

He has a 2nd phone for work which i asked him to show me but he refused to, he wiped it clean whilst we were at work and said it had gay porn and he was ashamed to tell me about anything, the porn and his possible sexuality

I love him and gave him benefits of doubt but this weekend i saw snapchat on his phone and opened it and hes following guys who post naked pics so whatever he was doing he is continuing. If i confront him he will deny it and delete snapchat, his phone is locked i only got into it those 2 times by luck.

Im not sure what to do, all Im thinking right now is that my marriage is over.

He may not have physically cheated but talking to or exchanging pictures is cheating in my book, its different to watching porn.
And if hes gay this will never work

Completly lost with how to tackle this and i dont want to talk to my friends about it as its so private and to do with his personal life, no one else knows he is potentially gay/bi

Update, I left Saturday night stating I needed space and time to think, he brought the waterworks out saying if I go I won’t come back, he always bring the waterworks out when he has done something wrong and it works every time but not this time.

He bombarded me with pictures of us together and told me to remember the good times. I met with some friends and we started piecing things together, random guy friends he has met up with over the years that I know little about and that neither do his other friends. He also didn’t invite any to our wedding which had a large guest list coming up with rather lame excuses.

I went back to get some more stuff in the week when he was out at work and he sent more messages stating similar things about his mental state.

I then met with him demanding answers, and went through his phone, lo and behold the conversations with the aforementioned guys were all cleared, he stated they had disappearing whatsapp messages but there is no way all of them did. I also went through his finances which he was hesitant to share with me, he has a large amount of loans, I know he took loans out for the wedding and honeymoon but I wasn’t aware of the size of them being this big, so more lies.
I then asked for access to his secure folder which he was very very hesitant to do, eventually he showed me and I saw a picture of a random guys face and then saw a video with 1 second of porn before he snatched the phone off me and stormed off in tears stating lack of trust and his suicidal thoughts. He said he didn’t want me to see what was on the phone as it was disgusting porn but it’s obviously worse than what I have already seen/know, I’m assuming pics/videos of him with guys.

I spoke to his sisters to keep an eye on him due to his messages about suicidal thoughts and that it was unlikely we were getting back together. I’ve since been sent a lot of messages asking for contact/meeting up with them and if things can be worked out so whatever he has told them has been minimised/twisted or they were all in on his sexuality and want to save face, they are an orthodox family so wouldn’t want this out in the open, although I wouldn’t expose the sexuality, it is not my news to tell and I am not that sort of person.

I realise now he has emotionally manipulated me for months, sly digs and comments about trivial things and there has been a lot of gaslighting which I could not see at the time. I’ve received more messages which I’ve shown to my friends which minimise the situation and turn it around on me, he is an incredible liar, even during my investigation with his phone his face didn’t flinch.

STD test came back clear but that means nothing and I now don’t think he is bi at all but is gay, he has never mentioned his dating past and we got married mid 30s, he has a lot of trauma which I put down to family issues and bereavement and pressure but I think they stem from leading 2 lives, a secret gay one and the one where he thought he could marry me and have it all.

There is more to the above but my life could be a movie right now lol just thankful I got out when I did before any kids or financial ties, not that he nor his family will make this easy

What a tangled web. It does look like your H married you in part to appease his conservative family and act as a smoke screen to his secret life. Both completely unfair to you.

I think you owe this man nothing he’s a coward and a liar.

Well done for getting out and being so clear sighted. I think some women would deceive themselves it and hang on for fear of disrupting their lives, losing face, having to deal with all the practical issues that come with separation. Clearly, he is in to men sexually and that isn’t going to change. Don’t waste too much time feeling sorry for him . He wanted to carry on with his secret liaisons and keep you as a cover, he’s been dishonest and now he’s not getting away with it anymore. I think you are very brave.

I could not be married to a man who is addicted to porn of any variety. Leave.

@Dabac12345

I spoke to his sisters to keep an eye on him due to his messages about suicidal thoughts and that it was unlikely we were getting back together. I’ve since been sent a lot of messages asking for contact/meeting up with them and if things can be worked out so whatever he has told them has been minimised/twisted or they were all in on his sexuality and want to save face, they are an orthodox family so wouldn’t want this out in the open, although I wouldn’t expose the sexuality, it is not my news to tell and I am not that sort of person.

You wouldn't be doing anything wrong by 'outing' him in this context. You are allowed to tell people why you've left your husband and don't need to keep other peoples sexuality secret at the expense of your own mental health etc.

Maybe I can offer some insight. I am married to a woman and I also enjoy having gay sex. My wife is fully aware and accepting of it. I have no desire for a relationship with a man, but it scratches an itch that a woman can’t. My wife is also curious about other women, though she has never acted on it. I would be open to it if she wanted to. We just don’t make it a big deal. If she sees on my phone that I watched gay porn, she just laughs and moves on. She looks at lesbian porn. She has even watched it with me before. We also do butt play together. People aren’t all one thing all the time.. we all have weird desires somewhere in us. It doesn’t have to be a huge deal. A marriage is supposed to be forever and no matter what.

But do you desire your wife sexually @Tdawg1989 ?

So you have an open marriage? Thats different to this situation, where the husband is cheating on the wife. The sex of the other partner’s is a feature but it not the most important point. He’s cheating on her. He married her under false pretenses. Most marriages are based on fidelity. It’s great that a different arrangement works for you, but it wasn’t what the OP signed up for.

What are you offering insight into though?
A different relationship where you have an agreement and your wife is ok with it?
That's totally different to the Ops situation.

Many women don't want to be in relationships with men who have itches that the wife can't scratch.
You're saying we all have weird desires and it doesn't have to be a huge deal.....but they have a problematic sex life, he never initiates and doesn't cum when he's with the OP, he is also betraying her because he does not have her agreement to do what he's doing with other men.
It's 6 months into the marriage and she's supposed to stick to this forever and no matter what? Fuck that.

I don't agree with that especially if his family is orthodox and it would cause further distress to him. OP can hold her boundaries and still be kind do him. I would politely reply that there is no chance of reconciliation and asked not to be contacted again about this.

Sorry op, yeah hes gay and you’re his beard, shitty behaviour from him, he clearly did it to appease his family.

using you like this is appalling.just get a divorce done. And move on, it’s not you, it’s him and you know this.

I guess we have different ideas of what a marriage is.

Ok your bisexual and your wife is ok, with this, you also have an open marriage, there is no insight here, the op isn’t looking for that.

Feeling like she needs to hide it and can't speak honestly and openly about it could cause further distress to the OP.
Listening to his family asking her to give him another chance could cause further distress to the OP.

The OP hasn't caused this mess or deceived anyone so the OPs feelings should be prioritized from this point forward, not his.

Also people don't need to be kind to people who betrayed them or deceived them, that's never expected for any other betrayal except for one when it involves lies about their sexuality.

And the OP telling the truth would not be her being unkind anyway.

@Tdawg1989, you're just saying you screw around with extra words. Not many people get married on the understanding that infidelity's part of the deal, OP certainly didn't. She was conned.

Your marriage suits your wife and you.

It doesn't suit the OP. That's not what Marriage means to her.

It's not a one-size-fits-all is it!

Please accept thr ops word that she doesn’t wish to out him to his family and stop pushing.

I'm not pushing.
I told her that it's ok if she wants to be honest, because it IS ok.

Another poster then chose to respond to me with the same manipulative bullshit that leads women to feel this way, must not cause the man distress, must be kind, must say nothing at all despite being deceived. That's the manipulative narrative that is always spread so there should always be some voices saying otherwise, that women do not need to hide this from other people just for the mans sake.

So of course I was going to respond back.

Sadly I agree with @Pumpkinpie1, he’s used you.

As it’s been a very short marriage and you weren’t living together before marriage, I’d advise moving forward with a divorce right away.

Please listen to @kkloo OP
It is absolutely not your job to be kind or try and fix your ex and appease his family who seem to have shown zero regard for you whatsoever.
.
What matters here is putting yourself back together and surrounding yourself only with people that love, care and support you.
You owe him and his family nothing at all.

I wish you nothing but happiness x

I have told his sisters everything because I was concerned for his wellbeing as he alluded to suicide and asked them to keep an eye on him. I also asked for space from them but they ignored this and tried to get hold of me, which I'm 99% sure is because they didn't want me to tell my family and have this secret out, although it will only stay within my family. There's also been no contact from his family to mine to check in on my wellbeing when I'm the one he has done all this to, everyone's true colours are coming out now :(

He's had chances to tell me the truth when I've confronted him and he hasn't been honest or given me answers. I've been open and honest from my side. If he told me he was bi(although I feel he Is actually gay) and about his debts from the start I would have accepted but there have been far too many lies and trust is completely broken. I will need to accept I'll likely never get the answers

Not to mention the emotional abuse, he's been controlling which may be because he didn't want me to have a mind of my own so he could keep this covered up.

@Tdawg1989
A marriage is supposed to be forever and no matter what.
stay in an abusive marriage? with a liar? violence? all to be forever?

@Dabac12345 well done for holding your boundaries. You are being the adult in the room here, seems like they are scrambling around to reduce reputational damage.
@Tdawg1989 honestly, do you or have you ever sexually desired your wife? If not, what does she get out of the arrangement? Watching some lesbian porn is not the same as being with someone, male or female who is into you sexually. In the long term the lack of that ingredient just undermines you. Unless she’s playing away too but it doesn’t sound like it.

Well done, @Dabac12345. I'm sorry his family haven't supported you though not surprised. His sisters may have had suspicions, but this is a lot for a homophobic family to deal with - they may well choose to act as though you never said anything. I hope they come through for you, at least somewhat, but don't bank on it. Very important now to seek your own family's support, and your friends' of course.

Tbh, it doesn’t surprise me that his family isn’t reaching out to you-they’re closing ranks around their brother.

That doesn’t make it right, of course, but that’s often what happens, even when their family member’s behavior has caused the breakup.

Honestly, I wouldn’t remind in contact with them. Focus on your own needs, your family and your friends. They’re the people you can rely on. 💐