Is my husband gay/bi

[Dabac12345]

Been married to my partner for 6 months, together for 3 years in total.
A few months ago I found email notifications on my husbands phone from gay dating sites. I confronted him about it and he said he wasnt sure of his sexuality years ago and they're old emails and he was talking to guys but nothing more.

He is lazy and doesnt decativate things so i can believe he didnt deactivate old profiles, he said he didnt use any pictures etc, he's from a conservative family so wouldnt want anyone to catch him.

He has a 2nd phone for work which i asked him to show me but he refused to, he wiped it clean whilst we were at work and said it had gay porn and he was ashamed to tell me about anything, the porn and his possible sexuality

I love him and gave him benefits of doubt but this weekend i saw snapchat on his phone and opened it and hes following guys who post naked pics so whatever he was doing he is continuing. If i confront him he will deny it and delete snapchat, his phone is locked i only got into it those 2 times by luck.

Im not sure what to do, all Im thinking right now is that my marriage is over.

He may not have physically cheated but talking to or exchanging pictures is cheating in my book, its different to watching porn.
And if hes gay this will never work

Completly lost with how to tackle this and i dont want to talk to my friends about it as its so private and to do with his personal life, no one else knows he is potentially gay/bi

Well done for getting away, @Dabac12345. Your DH may love you as a friend but he clearly married you as a smokescreen to disguise the fact that he is gay and would not be able to give you what you need in the marriage.

Glad to see your update that your results were clear, must have been a huge relief. Also good it was such a quick turnaround, at least that’s one worry off your mind.

What about it is horrifying to you?

@TheGander well, let’s see.. I’ve desired her enough to make children with her. She’s by far the best (straight) sex I’ve ever had. She wants to explore other women too.. she’s just picky and hasn’t found the right person or moment yet. It’s not a purely transactional thing. She loves me for who I am and I love her.

I appreciate your honesty and I know life isn’t simple @Tdawg1989 , I hope it works out well for you and your wife. It’s not the set up many women would want, one of my relatives ( self describes as bi but probably more into men) was in such a marriage and his wife ended up leaving him for another guy, I’m sure the sex aspect was a big reason.

@Nicaced10 hmm. Maybe see a professional about that? Idk. Other people’s sexual arrangements shouldn’t bother you that much. And no, we don’t share intimate details of our sex life with our children. I should hope you don’t either. I must say also that while I respect your right to run your family however you see fit, I do find your opinions on whether a man could even be a fit father to parent his kids because he likes to kiss men sometimes, very antiquated and fringe. What would make me physically sick to my stomach would be the thought of a treacherous woman keeping my children from me because of some kind of her own problem or phobia or pathology or whatever ( I don’t even know the right word for it) about gay people. Around 10 percent of the entire population is gay and many more are something in between. Many of us have happy healthy well adjusted children and thank God opinions like your own are in the margins where they belong.

@Tdawg1989
You shared your story on this particular thread where the man in question is deceptive to his wife, and hiding his sexuality.
These threads are going to attract people who have been harmed by men doing this and others who have strong feelings on the subject also.

You posted on here essentially telling the OP she should put up with it because marriage is supposed to be for life, that your wife just laughs off the gay porn.

You say you have children, what if your children are straight and also completely monogamous? and they find out that their partner has been hiding aspects of their sexuality and essentially cheating, would you tell your kids to suck it up and laugh it off because it's no biggie?

I'm not here to defend men who marry women because they can't deal with their sexuality but while people continue to hold such deeply homophobic attitudes that are evident on this thread then they will continue to do so.

I think it works both ways though as with any kind of emotive topic.

The more that people play it down and make out it's not a big deal the stronger it makes the attitude on the other side of the debate.

I'm not homophobic. I do however have an issue with gay men using women as a cover and I think it's disgusting. I'm all for the man being with other men as long as he's not deceiving women!

@redboxer321 My perception is that most posters aren’t homophobic, but they are intolerant of lying and deception in relationships.

That’s the problem that the OP’s experiencing, her husband hasn’t been honest with her about his sexuality, which is unfair.

Yes, and let’s be fair to the OP, she hasn’t expressed any disgust and has tried to be supportive and respectful, but the deception and the fact that her husband has no genuine sexual feelings for her are what is driving her away.

Im disgusted at his treatment of me not of his sexuality.
I don't think I will ever know if he's gay or bisexual, if he's bi and was open before the marriage or early on in the relationship, I would have no issue, its the lying and betrayal of sharing of pictures (and more which I will never know too)
That combined with other lies and emotional manipulation is just too much, I go back and forth in my head about all of it but ultimately I deserve better

Im disgusted at his treatment of me not of his sexuality.

I don't doubt that and I totally agree that you deserve better @Dabac12345 but some posters have made some pretty homophobic remarks which MN have deleted.

I'm glad I didn't see any of them and that behaviour isn't tolerated.

I’ve recently found myself in a similar position as you sadly. It’s sooo tough. What did you do … are you still trying to work through the relationship?

I've left my husband and will be filing for divorce as soon as I can. On top of the lies about sexuality there was a lot of manipulating and gaslighting and controlling which may have stemmed from his hiding of his sexuality and other trauma. I've started therapy and am working on myself, none of it is easy but ultimately I deserve more, not that I don't still love him but the pain and hurt from all of this is too much.
There has also been little effort from him to try and make any of this work or remorse, and since leaving he's deleted pictures of me and myself off social media. Like he is the victim and that I don't exist, this behaviour alone is showing more of his true narcissistic colours.
All situations are different but put yourself and your feelings first, you are number 1

Well done you. Sounds like you e been incredibly brave and I wish you every happiness in the world x

I know this is old, but I stumbled onto this. These men are everywhere and hiding in plain sight. They use women for stability and see them as sheilds against stigma and as incubators.

"Having an itch to scratch," as someone else mentioned, makes me wonder why the woman isn't enough for you? She's not the best sex he's had, just the best woman he's had. Isn't that telling? What I will bet on is that this wife of his is settling for him for various reasons, just as much as he is settling for her. But all in all, no woman is OK with their man claiming they are not good enough and so they need a little more penis in their life. I'm so glad I read his post because it confirmed just how selfish these men can be. Never mind how brazen they are to come on here where 90% of posts are from straight women to claim some women just aren't enough and so some women are ok to settle with being incubators for these men whilst being crowned the runner up with all of his sexual conquests.

🤢

OP, I hope you are well. I hope you spread the message far and wide. Because this new standard for straight relationships is what is now being taught to the younger generations. Women are putting up with more baggage from men than ever before. The number of women who have been killed by closeted men they were with has risen. The HIV rates with women had risen last year. We get all that crap and still, they couldn't give their woman an orgasm! It also has us questioning every good straight man who is being faithful and truthful when these men are allowed to suffer no consequences, and naive women aren't made aware just how many are potentially around.

It may be controversial, but if someone doesn't want outed, then as long as its physically safe, then they shouldn't keep doing things to get outed. Just stay single. No one forces them to be with women. He took risks whilst knowing you would possibly end up heartbroken. Let's not have young women, or our daughters or granddaughters, be victims of these men. All this fear around being named phobic has people trying to normalise men using women and still having sex with every dick he can catch. It is not fair just because he's "confused" (BS), and it's not equality. If they could feel what the partner goes through, then they would finally know what heartbroken is. Your self-worth and confidence, along with all trust in every man going forward, is shattered. So don't let himself be painted as the victim. He chose to sleep with them, and he chose to keep going back.

Also, these men aren't showing up acting stereotypically gay. The number of women who say "not my man" is unbelievable. So educate others that any man can be that man. Even the happy ones. The number of women who support those men over supporting those broken women is also unbelievable. They have manipulated us so much that we even turn on ourselves.

We are not sheilds. We are not maids, cooks, or PAs. We are not incubators. We are not experiments. We have a right to call out men who ruin and waste women's time when applicable and safe, whilst those men shout out to others that they are the victim.