How would you feel if new boyfriend met family and behaved like this?

[Tannytot]

My new boyfriend of 5 months met my sister yesterday got the first time. She doesn’t live nearby but we are very close , her husband was also to come but got caught up and couldn’t make it.
my boyfriend can be a quiet kinda guy but he made no effort at all to engage in conversation, he looked away when we were talking, didn’t appear to be listening at all and took out his phone to scroll a few times. It came across so rude and disinterested. I did say this to him after and his answer was that me and my sister were talking about stuff between ourselves (I asked her how the kids were, what’s her plans for the rest of the weekend etc, not private things). Its made me feel quite funny and I know for sure He did not come across well to my sister.
how would you feel in this instance?

I'd be like this, if you're shy it's awkward and stifling being sat in a room listening to a conversation and not knowing when to talk, phones are used as a safety blanket imo, maybe he would have been better if you had all been doing something together so it wasn't just sitting and talking about things he had no idea about.

Being anxious and not socially confident meeting new people and mixing is my idea of hell (absolutely fine if I know them and feel comfortable)
reading how people make such snap judgments makes me even worse

Yes, men can only talk to other men about Man Things, like football and power tools. Women, meanwhile, natter to other women about Silly Women Things, like children. No one could possibly expect any true man to even pretend an interest. Scrolling through their phone is perfectly ok behaviour when you’re a new boyfriend meeting a female relative of your girlfriend for the first time. If only she’d brought a bloke…

Ex used to be like this, was so rude. I ended up not going out with him and others in the end. He just couldn’t be arsed to talk/make small talk as thought he was above all that.

My husband is still just like this. We've been together 18y. I wouldn't be too quick to judge. My husband is a lovely, placid, quiet man. But he's socially awkward and a massive introvert. He makes the effort with my family now he knows them well but it's exhausting to watch!

But the behaviour the OP describes is plain rude — making no effort to engage, looking away when her sister was talking, scrolling through his phone.

A lovely but shy person might be shy in actually speaking to a stranger, but knowing they are the sibling of someone he is in a new relationship with, and that it’s an important moment for their girlfriend, would still be attentive and look present, even if he didn’t say a lot.

Massive red flag to be honest.

*Perhaps he is just introverted and just uncomfortable around others.

You knew beforehand that he is a quiet perhaps introverted guy, why expect him to be engaging and interactive? Why expect more out him during the visit?*

Introversion is not the same as socially awkward and uncomfortable around people, it just means that they are drained by a lot of social interaction and need time alone to recharge. I'm as introverted as they come and I can make polite conversation with strangers.

I know that. Perhaps he is both..and not everyone has the ability to make polite conversations with strangers, nor familiar.

Op and him just seem to be incompatible..

He's showing you that people close to you don't matter and aren't worthy of his attention. Listen to him he's showing you who he is.

I'd feel single.

All this red flag chat is mad 🤦‍♀️
as someone who is really anxious I’d be like this. It’s 5 months in and he’s sat with you and your sister who have obviously known each other forever chatting away about all things you know. He probably has no idea what you’re talking about and feels mega awkward. Just because he didn’t interact much or went on his phone means nothing really. If you are happy with him in general day to day life then you need to really give him a break. I met my now husbands mate once and they were wittering away about all sorts the good old times etc and I literally didn’t know what to say so sat there quietly and in the end yes did go on my phone. I told my husband after how I felt and he didn’t realise that they had taken over the conversation and left me out a bit until I said.
In really wouldn’t be too harsh on him especially if he is the shy kind.

Also just to add my husband will chew anyone and eveeyones ear off straight away whereas I am completely different. I adore his family so much and get on great now but in the beginning it was hard meeting them when they all chatted about things I didn’t know about. Doesn’t mean they hate me, he didn’t ditch me, no one was judged - infact I talk to them more now than he does probably now . It just means people are different. This was the first time meeting and some people do find it difficult unfortunately and that’s some peoples way of coping with it.

Was there a topic he could join in with? Or something he could tell her about himself? His hobbies/interests?

Got to be honest, I’d be bored and disinterested too if I was listening to people talk about their kids and weekend plans when I don’t know them at all.

Me too. But surely, for the sake of your partner, you'd suck up the boredom and play nice?

He sounds like a stroppy teenager

Gives me the ick

When I met my now in-laws, they had a very gross, graphic medical conversation over dinner. I smiled politely and engaged. When partner met my parents, he behaved similar to OP's, and it's only gotten worse from there. No ND, just the kind of entitlement that leads him to believe he doesn't need to make any effort when he doesn't feel like it, and can't understand when there's consequences (like he's not invited to group stuff at work). Good luck OP, but please note the red flag that when called out on it, he just makes excuses for himself.....

I remember my sister's ex-husband behaving similarly when I first met him. I thought at the time that if he genuinely cared about my little sister, he would know how much it meant to her that he and I got on. I was ready to make the effort because I love her and any man she chooses gets a thumbs up unless proven otherwise. He wasn't especially shy or awkward; he just didn't care enough to bother.

Compared with my painfully awkward husband, who loathes meeting people, but gamely did his absolute best with my rowdy family because he knew it was important to me.

From your description, your new boyfriend sounds immature with low social skills. Scrolling on his phone is really rude in the context. His lack of effort to engage isn't a good sign and you're right to feel uneasy about it. The same lack of effort will/would become more evident in a longer term relationship. It will also have a negative impact on his professional life.

Tbh if I was meeting a friend/ sister with the partner, for the first time, and they were scrolling on their phone, I would feel that I needed to make more effort yo include them in the conversation, rather than being offended. I can't think of many things more isolating than being a spectator in a few hours of conversation, in which I had nothing to contribute. If you really feel that you tried as hard as you could to include him, maybe ask him how he felt, and communicate with him about how you felt as well.

He was rude (I wouldn't be impressed if a teenager sat scrolling on their phone when meeting someone for the first time, let along a grown adult).

He made no effort to engage / to get to know your sister. ie he isn't interested.

Yes he could be shy, but shy isn't an excuse for rudeness. An old friend of mine dated a man who she explained was shy. It took a while for people to realise he was rude not shy. He could be perfectly sociable if he wanted to be. But if he was with someone he didn't want to be with, or didn't think was interesting or important to him, he just closed down and didn't engage.

I know some people find meeting new people difficult, but he should’ve made an effort. Taking his phone out is incredibly rude.

Has he met your friends? What is he like with them?

@Bestyearever2024 but equally it would put me off a partner who was so self absorbed that they left me out of a conversation by talking about people I didn’t know. That’s just as rude.

It’s hard to give a definitive yes he’s rude or no he’s not when we don’t have the full context. Either one (or both) of these people may be being rude and unreasonable.

I’d be interested to see a correlation between the posters who think the OP’s boyfriend’s behaviour is acceptable (because ‘he’s shy’, he’s ’an introvert’ or ‘hard to be interested in a conversation that isn’t about you’) and those who struggle with friendships.