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Original poster

How would you feel if new boyfriend met family and behaved like this?

123 replies

Tannytot · 21/01/2024 10:00

My new boyfriend of 5 months met my sister yesterday got the first time. She doesn’t live nearby but we are very close , her husband was also to come but got caught up and couldn’t make it.
my boyfriend can be a quiet kinda guy but he made no effort at all to engage in conversation, he looked away when we were talking, didn’t appear to be listening at all and took out his phone to scroll a few times. It came across so rude and disinterested. I did say this to him after and his answer was that me and my sister were talking about stuff between ourselves (I asked her how the kids were, what’s her plans for the rest of the weekend etc, not private things). Its made me feel quite funny and I know for sure He did not come across well to my sister.
how would you feel in this instance?

OP posts:
TheSlantedOwl · 21/01/2024 13:19

Rude ignorant douchebag. Dump him. He will forever be like this with people you love. If you stay with him it will prevent you from seeing them.

SummerFeverVenice · 21/01/2024 13:25

What is all this about the rest of your life and with everyone?

This was only an awkward first visit.

Anyone who has never had an awkward first visit with a potential in-law has to be some sort of Goddess of Amiability.

Most normal human beings have an awkward first visit with someone sometime in their life but then usually go on to have more fun, more relaxed, less awkward interactions as they build a relationship and get familiar with each other.

CheeseSandwichRiskAssessment · 21/01/2024 13:59

Can you ask him why he wasn't more involved? I would do that before dumping him

Snowdogsmitten · 21/01/2024 14:13

He’s rude as shit. Not good. But you’re only five months in, maybe reconsider this relationship.

Nofunnybusiness · 21/01/2024 14:23

My DH can be like this. He is much better once he gets to know people. He really struggles in social situations and hates small talk, is an intovert and possible ND. I don't think he realises how rude the phone behaviour comes across. In DH's case his other attributes by far outweighed this hence why I married him. But I do accept he will never be a social butterfly!

If all else is good I would keep dating him, give it time for him to relax around your family and feel comfortable. No one is perfect and a very social DP can be equally as annoying!

scaredofthefuture2024 · 21/01/2024 15:23

Probably projecting but I think it's rude and a bit of a red flag. That was his opportunity to make a good first impression and it sounds like very little effort was put in on his part.

My sister's ex husband was like this. Claimed he "never knew what to say because he was "shy" which was bullshit because for years we all made loads of effort (we're all very close knit) but would get one word answers from him as he scrolled his phone unless there was a financial incentive. He was just bloody ignorant and it only got worse as he became more comfortable. One example was always taking a tv remote from my dad (in my parents home) and changing the channel to what he wanted without asking.

Blushingm · 21/01/2024 15:32

My exh was like this - it was rude and I was always having to explain that he was just quiet (when he wasn't, he just couldn't be bothered)

tennesseewhiskey1 · 21/01/2024 15:36

That sounds awful and sounds very very similar to my sisters now husband that she’s divorcing. I wish I picked up on this earlier to help my sister so she could have dump him. He’s showing you what he’s like OP - listen.

Ponderingwindow · 21/01/2024 15:38

Aside from getting out my phone, which I know is rude and so don’t do it, he sounds like me meeting people. I do try, but it’s awful. I know I can come across as aloof, but it is the furthest thing from the truth. I just have ASD and social anxiety.

so if a boyfriend did that, I would actually think he was probably dealing with the same issues . I would recognize I put him into a stressful situation. I should have managed the introductions better and chosen an environment where there was less pressure to make constant conversation.

Jf20 · 21/01/2024 15:43

Ponderingwindow · 21/01/2024 15:38

Aside from getting out my phone, which I know is rude and so don’t do it, he sounds like me meeting people. I do try, but it’s awful. I know I can come across as aloof, but it is the furthest thing from the truth. I just have ASD and social anxiety.

so if a boyfriend did that, I would actually think he was probably dealing with the same issues . I would recognize I put him into a stressful situation. I should have managed the introductions better and chosen an environment where there was less pressure to make constant conversation.

Surely you’d know if your boyfriend has asd and social anxiety after 5 months of dating?

MaryActsLikeSheDontCare · 21/01/2024 15:49

“Surely you’d know if your boyfriend has asd and social anxiety after 5 months of dating?”

Not necessarily

SamW98 · 21/01/2024 15:53

Jf20 · 21/01/2024 15:43

Surely you’d know if your boyfriend has asd and social anxiety after 5 months of dating?

Show quote history

Not if you have no experience of either or he’s been masking. People can be very good at hiding these in one to one situations but not with new people or in groups.m
And he may not know himself - many people are diagnosed later in life.

noooooooo · 21/01/2024 15:55

Sounds like queerhawkery. I mean, the world is full of them, I’m related to loads of them, depends if you are comfortable with him sitting there like a prisoner escort or not. Some women don’t seem to mind.

IReallyStillCantBeBothered · 21/01/2024 16:07

hangingonfordearlife1 · 21/01/2024 10:32

oh for god sake. you were talking about her kids and her plans. He's meeting a female he doesn't know was probably shy and uncomfortable and was let down there was no other bloke there to natter with. Try again and stop being so dramatic

What rubbish, he can participate, he can try to know her sister, if they are talking too much about centrism topics he can try to steer it back to another topic. To sit there on his phone is so rude, stop defending bullshit behaviour.

And OP said she tried engaging with him and he just wants interested.

CrapGoat · 21/01/2024 16:12

I had an ex partner do this, but while meeting a close friend of mine rather than family. I found it really embarrassing and difficult. I confronted him and he said the same however it didn't wash. Your partner should be interested in you and the people in your life. Even if you did mention the children or other things he didn't directly have a connection to he could have branched the conversation along with something 'sort of' related! Like 'how are the kids' ,'oh we took them to such and such yesterday' (him) 'oh there's a really nice restaurant/pub/walk to do around there! We should go!' Or 'it was a nice day for it wasn't it' or 'I don't like driving around there, always congested!' Even. Anything rather than ignoring.
Red flag for me too.

Natty13 · 21/01/2024 16:37

How did he react when she asked hin any questions directly/about himself? How has he behaved when he has met any of your friends?

I'd be really upset about this. Being shy or nervous is one thing but looking away constantly or scrolling your phone is so rude. I'd be giving him a chance, but making sure he knows that I wouldn't tolerate rudeness like that again. It is a line in the sand for me that whoever I'm with is at the bare minimum respectful and polite to me and the people I love.

BreatheAndFocus · 21/01/2024 16:44

It’s rude. “Shyness” is an excuse. He just couldn’t be arsed. If he cared about you, he should have made some effort to engage. Ask him how he’d feel if he took you to meet a family member and you sat there ignoring them and looking at your phone.

Jonisaysitbest · 21/01/2024 16:56

I know I am projecting here but from my own experience I would just say keep an eye on this because it could be a red flag.
It was for me and I wish I had heeded it.

Friends and family could see it and pointed it out to me but I chose to ignore it; I made every excuse under the sun for similar behaviour. In my situation it was a clear red flag from a person who went on to treat me badly.

Zodfa · 21/01/2024 17:17

I think even shy people would normally make an effort with people who might be in their lives for quite some time.

On the other hand it would be silly to throw away the relationship over this one thing.

BlueGrey1 · 21/01/2024 17:20

How has he been when you have introduced him to other people that you know

ClareBlue · 21/01/2024 17:41

Does it matter the reason. This will only get worse and you will end up socialising and meeting family on your own and him sucking the joy out of life. Most people are not particularly comfortable meeting someone for the first time but make an effort. Mature adults learn how to do this, especially someone important to their partner.
There are numerous posts and threads of women with men who will make no effort to socialise and how this drags them down in life. All seemed yo be excused with something or other. So what. If he really does have extreme issues then he would have told you before and know full well the phone thing is not acceptable. The phone scrolling is rude and entitled. There are posts on loads of threads saying where it can end up.. smothering you and making life miserable. Why risk you end up there.

newyearnewknees · 21/01/2024 17:43

My 12 year old knows better than this. It would really put me off.

MyStarBoy · 21/01/2024 22:52

How embarrassing.

I would think he was extremely bad mannered and ignorant in equal measures.

I would dump him.

Burntouted · 21/01/2024 23:07

Perhaps he is just introverted and just uncomfortable around others.

You knew beforehand that he is a quiet perhaps introverted guy, why expect him to be engaging and interactive? Why expect more out him during the visit?

Perhaps he pulled out the phone because he is socially awkward, shy, introverted, and uncomfortable in social situations...and needed a distraction. Perhaps he didn't really want to be there, but came because of you. Perhaps he is just a laid back person.

You did start an open private conversation with your sister right in front of him. . Perhaps he thought he was being respectful and non intrusive..perhaps in his mind maybe he thought this was acceptable instead of alternatives...like walking away, being someplace in or out of the home..

If you knew that he is just a naturally quiet perhaps reserved person, I don't know why you even invited him. You should have went by yourself.

Tbh...you two seem incompatible. If you're more extroverted and he's more introverted..things aren't going to work out. He isn't going to turn into your ideal.

Perhaps it would be best to end this relationship and find someone more extroverted and engaging...find someone that participates and that you can take places.

StarlightLady · 22/01/2024 06:33

Xoxoxoxoxoxox · 21/01/2024 10:07

I would worry that he is a bit sexist and can't be bothered to engage with women that he is not sexually interested in.

This!