How would you feel if new boyfriend met family and behaved like this?

[Tannytot]

My new boyfriend of 5 months met my sister yesterday got the first time. She doesn’t live nearby but we are very close , her husband was also to come but got caught up and couldn’t make it.
my boyfriend can be a quiet kinda guy but he made no effort at all to engage in conversation, he looked away when we were talking, didn’t appear to be listening at all and took out his phone to scroll a few times. It came across so rude and disinterested. I did say this to him after and his answer was that me and my sister were talking about stuff between ourselves (I asked her how the kids were, what’s her plans for the rest of the weekend etc, not private things). Its made me feel quite funny and I know for sure He did not come across well to my sister.
how would you feel in this instance?

That behaviour would help me to realise that he wasn't the man for me.

it was quite rude of the OP and her sister talking about things common to them that he had no idea about, especially as he is a quiet type anyway and this was his first meeting with the sister.

I wouldn’t think it rude, but I would think it was his cue to disengage from the conversation and quietly occupy himself.

I would say rude and disrespectful, sod blaming it on being shy. We are all capable of being polite in company FFS.

Think it's a sign of things to come.

He's shown you who he is. Believe him. It's 5 months - you're dating. Dating is about discovering someone before you commit and walk down the aisle and build a family with them.

Dating is relationship shopping. You're picking the person for future you and it's the biggest investment you'll ever make - it's ok to end a relationship. Infact better to end a relationship than spend the rest of your life trying to change someone for you and the guy.

And it's perfectly possible to be a nice guy but not the right guy.

Whatever you decide in this specific scenario always keep that in mind. Dating is relationship shopping for the biggest investment you will ever make. Choose carefully, choose wisely and recognise when you're getting a bum deal and when to put it down and go look elsewhere.

How has he been when you’ve introduced him to your friends? Unless he was feeling really unwell and trying hard not to vomit everywhere or something, my assumption would be that he doesn’t like not being the centre of your attention. Shy, ND, maybe just a jerk, I’m not sure it matters for me. If someone can’t act towards people I care about them in a way that doesn’t make me and them uncomfortable, they’re not right for me. He should be trying to impress you still. Imagine how rude he’ll be in a few years when he stops trying so hard?

Not good. He will know your sister is important to you.

He wasn't at all arsed about making a good first impression and you know it.
Doesn't bode well.

My SIL is like this and over the 20 years or so I've known her I have realised she is a nice and kind person, but she is shy and lacking in social skills, especially when outside her home town.

So when considering the future, consider if you want to shackle yourself to someone who is at best lacking in social skills and at worst, rude and sexist (watch how he engages with your dad).

My DH is on the spectrum and not very sociable but can still hold a conversation with my sister. He doesn't particularly like her, either!

It can actually be really hard to speak up if you’re shy or socially anxious.

I really think I’ve seen it all now. The POOR POOR man, how could you let him down like this? And expecting him to talk to a female he doesn’t know. Probably offered him salad and a glass of Prosecco as well didn’t you.

The not engaging? I'd give a pass on that for a first meeting. The phone several times? that's just rude.

My husband was like this the first time he met my family. Not making any effort with conversation and being really quiet but not in a shy way, in an “I can’t be arsed” way. Yawning a lot too and checking his phone. I wish I had listened to the red flags as he ended up being a miserable narcissist throughout our marriage and always made me feel very tense in social situations with other people incase he was rude

You have been with your boyfriend for 5 month's. He met your sister and her children for the 1st time. He barely talked to her and then took his phone out to look at it.
As an adult in a relationship he should have known not to do this. Your sister probably walked away and though he was rude. Perhaps she thought what are you doing with him?
How would you feel if he acted like this with your parents?
I know a few naturally quite men but they would not do this.
I don't know what age you are but if you want a serious relationship and possibly marriage in the next few years I would not be staying with this man.

I knew woman who stayed with men like him. He complains about visiting family and going to or hosting family occasions. Then other family members just look and think he comes X and what will he say or do today. I am not saying that couples should always be with their in laws but it helps if everyone can pass themselves with each other.

My DH has been like this for 40 + years. Minus the phone scrolling. He probably contributes to any conversation in a group less than 10 % of the time.

Whenever we get home he says how much he enjoyed himself but you would never know to look at him.

He makes more of an effort nowadays but it can be painful to watch. Sometimes he even rehearses what his small talk is going to be.
Our DS2 is exactly the same.

ND person here. Yeah it's not hard to just be polite in a three-way conversation. You just feign interest and look at whoever is talking until a topic comes up that you can say something about.
It's not like OP took him to a family wedding in the village her family have lived in for generations and they swamped him with a million questions or something. 🙄

If he couldn't make any effort with polite conversation meeting someone important to you for the first time I'd say he was ignorant and self centred, not nervous
I'm sure he wouldn't act like that if it was something important to him( like a job interview for example)

I would struggle in that situation I’m not the most socially confident with people I don’t know
also you feel like a 3rd wheel in these situations obviously you and your sister will be thick as thieves and have common ground to talk about

Everyone’s different I’ve even pretended to go to the toilet because I feel so self conscious and awkward

Shy and socially awkward person here! I really struggle in these situations and am very quiet but always make an effort to look interested, be involved even if not saying a huge amount and definitely wouldn’t take my phone out to scroll! There’s being quiet which is understandable and I personally do as well but getting the phone out is rude IMO

Quiet and shy is fine.
Scrolling on his phone is rude and not fine.

And how exactly is he supposed to know about the OP, her stayer and family if they only ever talk about things ‘he has some ideas about’
aka they can’t talk about her dcs, her plans for the next few months, what happens in the family etc…?
Is learning about what’s going on fir your IL not part of being a couple?

He's just plain rude. |He showed a total lack of interest in your family and clearly couldn't care less that you were trying to include him, and make an effort.

If he behaves differently with other people, then I would be seriously unimpressed.

@hangingonfordearlife1 Why does it matter that she's a woman? She's a person and therefore a source of conversation. Or are men only capable of speaking to women they are trying to pull? Could he not have asked about her children? It's not difficult. Probably the safest topic of conversation for any parent.

No, it’s more that when you visit relatives for an entire day, it can’t be all about the new boyfriend and discussing things he can participate in.

OP and sister should be allowed to have a catch up as well. To me, that means there will be more than one conversation during a visit. Once a three way conversation has morphed into a sister and sister catch up, there is no point sitting there like you are watching Wimbledon tennis stars but with nothing to add and perhaps making them self-conscious and more restrained in what they say because you’re listening to them like a hawk and soaking up comments like a sponge. In that context, I think it’s better to quietly occupy yourself so the sisters can catch up without worrying about entertaining you.

I don’t agree what the boyfriend did was 100% rude or lacking effort. Especially given his response to the OP when they talked about it.

I am shocked by how low women on this thread are holding the bar. It explains a lot about the terrible behaviour in relationships that seems to be becoming more common.

OP, I would dump someone I'd been seeing for 5 months for this. Quite apart from it being incredibly bad manners (which would give me the 'ick'), it shows a total lack of respect towards someone I love and, by extension, me.

I am not someone who finds or has always found social interaction easy (it had been suggested I may be on the spectrum myself), but I do understand the importance of making an effort and it's something I actively work on as good manners and putting people at ease (basically the same thing).

Unless he is so far along the spectrum that he can't function independently without care support there is no excuse for not understanding, at the very least, that it is rude to scroll on your phone on the first occasion you've been invited out to meet someone so let's not excuse this rubbish behaviour based on the entirely unfounded suggestion that he might be autistic, and that he's a man!

Please, PLEASE raise the bar!

I think you know the answer, he met her for you but is completely disinterested and failed to hide it. Which makes it curious how he sees the relationship panning out.

I'd take this as a good indicator of how he will interact with your friends and family going forward. Would you be happy with that for the rest of your life?