How would you feel if new boyfriend met family and behaved like this?

[Tannytot]

My new boyfriend of 5 months met my sister yesterday got the first time. She doesn’t live nearby but we are very close , her husband was also to come but got caught up and couldn’t make it.
my boyfriend can be a quiet kinda guy but he made no effort at all to engage in conversation, he looked away when we were talking, didn’t appear to be listening at all and took out his phone to scroll a few times. It came across so rude and disinterested. I did say this to him after and his answer was that me and my sister were talking about stuff between ourselves (I asked her how the kids were, what’s her plans for the rest of the weekend etc, not private things). Its made me feel quite funny and I know for sure He did not come across well to my sister.
how would you feel in this instance?

I wondered this. Autism or else a socially awkward type of personality otherwise throw him back because the behaviour is very rude.

It was their first introduction. It was unlikely to result in a fantastic jolly.
You’ve said he is a quiet type. Many quiet types need a few more meet ups before they can come out of their shell. I’d be more encouraging and less critical.

Yes I agree- I found it really harsh that people are saying get rid of him because he's quiet. I'm very shy and it takes me al lot of time to be able to talk in groups. Especially if the other two know each other well and I'm new. I' m glad my partner didn't think like that.
Personally I would smile and engage to some level so I didn't come across as rude but women are better at masking than men and social expectations are different.
I'd give him a chance, if he's always like this and doesn't make an effort then fair enough but if he's just shy he can't help it.

Quiet isn't the issue though is it, it's the rudeness of scrolling on a phone in company that you've just met.

Maybe he's just shy. Did your sister ask him any questions? Try to engage with him?
My OH tends to melt away after saying hello when my friends come round, because he just isn't interested in most the stuff women talk about. That just makes him a pretty normal bloke rather than an ignorant monster that should be dumped immediately

its not hard to involve yourself in the conversation even if you don’t know the other person well, I would have asked questions about the nieces and nephews etc.

you can’t always expect people to spoon feed you. Sounds like he made zero effort and yes it’s rude.

It’s not hard for you, but for many people even with no ND, it can be very hard. People who are not extroverts, people who suffer from social anxiety.

He’s not ND though is he

In the context of the conversation having moved away from sister and boyfriend getting to know each other to a sister and sister girl talk, I don’t think it was rude.

He doesn’t have to be, you don’t have to be ND to be shy, introverted or have social anxiety.

Clearly we have different standards for polite behaviour

Some people have very poor social skills, which I could forgive him for if it was just shyness, but the scrolling his phone was unbelievably rude, especially for a first time meeting.

That’s still very rude.

When we visit IL, DH and his family talk about people I’ve never met. Places, occasions etc… yes even after 25 years.

I don’t take my phone out or zone out. I’m listening and at the same time learnt and learn about what’s important to them.
Not all conversations have to be about stuff that either interest me or about people i know (let alone centred around me)

But staying interested and listening is something even shy or introvert people can do. Actually I’d have thought they are masters at it.

Being quiet while you’re chatting to your sister would be absolutely fine but it’s the getting his phone out I would have an issue with.

Im very reserved and with new people and it takes me a while to feel comfortable to fully interact but I would sit and listen politely not zone out

Depends on the level of shyness. Sometimes they can be so consumed by fear or trying to find a moment to pipe up that they can’t focus on a conversation.

I would be annoyed but if he’s genuinely a decent guy, then I’d just put it down to nerves.

I used to struggle with meeting new people and I’d become a selective mute and couldn’t give eye contact etc.

I wouldn’t say anything to him, I would just tell your sister that he’s usually more chatty and you think he was nervous and arrange another meet up.

Probably. I am a very tolerant and relaxed person.

If he can't be bothered to make any effort the first time he meets your family, then there's no hope of him getting any better.

I'd dump him. I don't need a rude and unsociable person in my life.

Go you, I'd rather not to spend my free time with those who prefer to engage with screens rather than other people. I know that's an old fashioned choice but luckily in my circle it's the default

Yes because men never need to know how to socialize politely. They “eat of the beef and like of the bosooms” and thats it.

😂😂😂

That’s still very rude.

When we visit IL, DH and his family talk about people I’ve never met. Places, occasions etc… yes even after 25 years.

I don’t take my phone out or zone out. I’m listening and at the same time learnt and learn about what’s important to them.
Not all conversations have to be about stuff that either interest me or about people i know (let alone centred around me)*

I agree, it's still rude but then maybe it was quite rude of the OP and her sister talking about things common to them that he had no idea about, especially as he is a quiet type anyway and this was his first meeting with the sister. I think that's quite a different scenario than that of your in-laws that you've known for years.

That'd be a no from me