Marriages that end with affairs - does anyone stay civil?

tescotulips · 2024-01-18T15:47:28+00:00

I've read lots of messages about couples who are able to stay amicable after divorce, but does this ever happen when infidelity is involved? My ex went off with the OW and years on, we still hate each other with vengeance ! I often wonder how I even liked this man, let alone loved him! Does anyone have any stories of divorce that haven't gone so well? We have kids together so still hear about each other via them.

AnneLovesGilbert · 18/01/2024 15:51

Do you want stories of good outcomes or bad? I know two marriages that have ended due to infidelity where the couple has managed friendly coparenting, including my parents. Obviously there are plenty where it’s acrimonious and awful for years afterwards.

PaintedEgg · 18/01/2024 15:52

I suppose for some people "civil" simply means not at each other's throats and sometimes that's the best you can hope for

in my opinion a lot of divorces (including one that ended my first marriage) happen years too late and by that point people who otherwise may have parted on somewhat good terms already hate each other

Original poster

tescotulips · 18/01/2024 16:02

I truly cannot image us ever getting over hating each other. It's sad really and something that rears its head over and over again.

OP posts:

Disturbia81 · 18/01/2024 17:06

Yes infidelity and still best friends. I think it depends on how it was handled after, the remorse, the reasons, the time spent healing.
The ones who just go off and leave someone in pain, then on top of that are horrible to them.. well no wonder there can't be an amicable relationship.

mrandmrsrobinson · 18/01/2024 17:40

I cannot understand why anyone would want someone in their circle of friends or acquaintances that have lied, cheated, been dishonest, unfaithful, acted without integrity or dignity, probably gas lighted and flipped the guilt onto the unsuspecting partner/OH.
I certainly don't and they are kept very much at arms length without disturbing any of the kids.

PrimalOwl10 · 18/01/2024 17:45

I'm on reasonable terms with my ex who cheated when I had a baby, we weren't married but lived together. Both have moved on both been married to other people for along time, it's not worth being angry at someone about something that happened in the past.

RitzD · 18/01/2024 17:53

What makes you still hate each other?

Me and mine ok. Amicable. Not unfriendly. I don’t hold grudges and move on quickly.

Nugg · 18/01/2024 18:00

Yep. I had the affair. Taken a couple of years and we aren't in one another's pockets but he is finally civil bordering on friendly which is frankly more than I deserve.

I'm no longer with the AP and haven't been for spoke time and tbh he was the reason for the animosity from exH as he was such a terrible choice of AP and exH could see this. Actually said to me he would have understood it if he'd been a better AP as marriage was a mess by then.

Shit happens!

Didimum · 18/01/2024 18:04

My sister is completely civil with her exH who cheated on her for 5yrs. She is civil to him for her children’s sake.

Notellinganyone · 18/01/2024 18:12

My DH and I split up 21 years ago. There were issues in the marriage but I didn’t really acknowledge them until I fell in love with a colleague. We’d been married 10 years and had two DC. It was all very sudden and dramatic. I left in July, new partner and I bought a house together and had our own DC less than two years later. DH and I on civil terms quit quickly. He eventually moved abroad with new partner and we visited him. Still contact each other about adult DC.

DillDanding · 18/01/2024 18:15

I have 2 friends whose husbands cheated. Both have children. Both have managed to remain civil and friendly to their cheating exes for the sake of not messing up or affecting their kids. I’m full of admiration for both of them.

Sausagesinthesky · 18/01/2024 18:25

Yes OP- he married the OW. I took the majority of the house and pensions (acted quickly during his guilty phase). Remarried gorgeous younger man. Now own house outright and have had two more adorable children. He is broke and looks miserable. Dong dong I win!

Sausagesinthesky · 18/01/2024 18:26

(He comes in for a brew at every hand over, and I always have them over for a drink on Xmas day - in part for the sake of the kids but I’m a very good actress).

GreyCarpet · 18/01/2024 18:27

Interestingly, I was thinking about this recently.

My exh had an affair. We didn't have a functioning marriage at all. We were (good) housemates and co-parents but that's it.

The divorce was amicable. We've always been amicable. Never friendly or friends but able to be polite, civil and supportive to and of each other.

They married a year ago - 11 years after we split.

Since then, he has gone very cold and silent towards me. We only ever communicated regarding the childen anyway but it was very positive. He has also become distant from my son/his stepson, whose life he has been in for 25 years and is the only dad he knows. He's also a little distant with our (his) daughter.

My friend pointed out that this change is likely to be driven by her. He's still actually ok with me on the rare occasions we do speak.

I have no interest in him and he has no interest in me. But it made me realise that, whilst I've over it and have no interest in him (or her), she clearly still feels 'something' where I am concerned.

I guess that's the price you pay for being the OW... 🤷🏻‍♀️

redheadsaregreat · 18/01/2024 20:22

tescotulips · 18/01/2024 16:02

I truly cannot image us ever getting over hating each other. It's sad really and something that rears its head over and over again.

Why does he hate YOU???

Sunshineandflipflops · 18/01/2024 20:30

Yes, my ex husband had an affair. Broke my heart and for a while I couldn’t look at him but I pretended I could for our dc’s sake.

Bit by bit I didn’t have to pretend any more and once he split up with the OW we were able to gradually build the relationship into what it is now…good co-parents.

i now live with my partner of 4 years and my ex and his gf came round for a drink on Xmas eve and we went to theirs for a drink on Xmas day.

I hate what he did but I love our dc more and didn’t want them to suffer more than they had to because he couldn’t keep it in his pants.

I am happy now and with someone probably better suited to me so no reason to hold a grudge forever. We will always be out dc’s parents so easier for everyone if we get on.

Almostwelsh · 18/01/2024 20:33

I hate him with a passion. But on the rare occasion we are forced into contact due to the children we are civil, although we dont speak if we can avoid it. We will never be amicable. I couldn't be friends with someone who treated me like he did.

Notevenslightlydamp · 18/01/2024 20:35

We are civil now but it has taken many years to get to this point and I still feel sick at the prospect of seeing him.

letstrythatagain · 18/01/2024 20:36

Yes we get on really well. Makes life so much easier for my daughter.

OhpoorMe · 18/01/2024 21:14

GreyCarpet · 18/01/2024 18:27

Interestingly, I was thinking about this recently.

My exh had an affair. We didn't have a functioning marriage at all. We were (good) housemates and co-parents but that's it.

The divorce was amicable. We've always been amicable. Never friendly or friends but able to be polite, civil and supportive to and of each other.

They married a year ago - 11 years after we split.

Since then, he has gone very cold and silent towards me. We only ever communicated regarding the childen anyway but it was very positive. He has also become distant from my son/his stepson, whose life he has been in for 25 years and is the only dad he knows. He's also a little distant with our (his) daughter.

My friend pointed out that this change is likely to be driven by her. He's still actually ok with me on the rare occasions we do speak.

I have no interest in him and he has no interest in me. But it made me realise that, whilst I've over it and have no interest in him (or her), she clearly still feels 'something' where I am concerned.

I guess that's the price you pay for being the OW... 🤷🏻‍♀️

Surely it's unlikely that she'd be fine for 10 years then suddenly turn? To the level he quits his kids?

whiteshutters · 18/01/2024 21:16

My EXH had an affair and is now married to her. I don't hate him usually but I do hate what he did. I don't talk to him as no need as children are grown. In fact I blocked him after we had words after a social event that I had to attend that he was at. I do dream though most nights about a scenario which is directly tied to all of this and think this reflects what I went through mentally at the time as he did a runner. I hate that, that I relive it so often. I got a great financial deal though and I am remarried to a great guy. I love the fact that he was moaning that I got a better financial settlement that him. Tough titty!

Grimsknee · 18/01/2024 21:17

My mum left my dad for her AP in 1992. They didn't speak to each other unless they absolutely had to (about children or money etc) until her husband died in 2008. My dad went to the funeral. Then she started coming to our Christmases with him and his 2nd wife and they chat on the phone a lot.
I don't know what is going on in their heads, but it's a mindfuck for their kids. Better than acrimony I suppose.

Dacadactyl · 18/01/2024 21:18

Someone I know had a husband run off with another woman.

30 years later, he's still with the OW, but when his ex wife got poorly, he helped her with her shopping and cutting the grass etc. They get on well now.

Dogknowsbest · 18/01/2024 21:33

I get on okay with my ex. Our marriage was rocky for a long time - no connection and low level manipulation on his part. I had an EA which I told him about immediately and cut out of my life. He followed it up with a confession that he had slept with his best friend on more than one occasion.

Now that I think about it, I realise that although I treated him badly towards the end I never acted on it.. In his mind, I broke the marriage by asking for the divorce. The marriage was well and truly broken before though.

spicedlemonpie · 18/01/2024 21:58

Not my husband but my ex partner left me for a much younger woman he was seeing.
I hate him always will i spent 10 years of abuse from him that left me with Mental health body & face of scars im scared of my own shadow 8 years on

while hes going abroad and living the high life has 3 kids with her.
What i have seen on the other side is that he never changed he just found someone easier to control.
I noticed alot of things and one of them is i am better than him im stronger and worth life and he is scared of me to the point that he won't even come in the same town i live in.
Thats because of the truth i can tell.
Im a big believer in karma and tell my self one day no matter how long karma will send mail.
Kinda has in some way he went to prison cheated 3 times on new woman kids are all toddlers (mine are adults) he has to drink every day.
And hes aged horrid and still believes his own lies hes a compulsive liar and a lot of people know this even him own mum says it.
I have moved on but i dont think i could forgive what he did to me.