Marriages that end with affairs - does anyone stay civil?

[tescotulips]

I've read lots of messages about couples who are able to stay amicable after divorce, but does this ever happen when infidelity is involved?
My ex went off with the OW and years on, we still hate each other with vengeance ! I often wonder how I even liked this man, let alone loved him!
Does anyone have any stories of divorce that haven't gone so well?
We have kids together so still hear about each other via them.

My parents divorced after my mum fell in love with my dad's best friend. It was dodgy for a short time but after that it was like having three loving parents, who were all friends with each other. I have two amazing stepbrothers and they have their own families now who I'm really close with.

My dad remarried too and his wife is wonderful. They are all friends together. My life has been hugely enriched by having four parents, and the grandkids are so lucky to have all these brilliant grandparents to spend time with.

I find it hilarious that my mum and dad were ever married, they love each other dearly but christ they annoy each other.

My husband split from his first marriage because of an affair (she cheated on him) He was single for almost two years before we met so a lot of the anger had calmed down. By the time I met her they were civil.. almost 10 years on we are all (including ex wife's new husband) pretty friendly.

My exh had an affair and left for OW. He was really horrible to me and followed what I now know was the script. It utterly floored me at the time. They werent together long.

We had no kids so no need for contact. He feels just like someone I once knew. Occassionally he has text me. It’s good to know he’s alive but my interest in him goes little further than that.

If my cheater ex disappears tomorrow I will only miss his financial contribution to our DD. I don't hate him, but is like an annoying buzzing fly around when I see him. So I rather not see him. On the contrary DD loves him and have a good time with him EOW therefore I rather he doesn't disappear just for now.
As soon as she is old enough I will delete his number.

The secret to a amicable relationship is to put the children first. It stopped being about you or him when you split. It started being about the children.
That's not to say you wont get the hatred, but every argument should end with, what do the children want, what is best for them. Bite your tongue and ask....what is best for our children?
I appreciate that you're angry, but this has stopped being about you.

Hi am new to to this when I met my husband when we were talking he said he was cheated on said plz don't do that to me said he wouldn't I found out I was pregnant told him said if you don't want to be with me you can said no love you every Friday he always went with his friends didn't mind him going out but one time i checked his cndonds one was missing asked him said gave it to friend said what friend said you know him we weren't getting on one time my phone wasn't working asked him can I use your phone then found out he was having affair it broke my heart and he said thanks for spoiling it for me that broke me I thought you b asked what was sex like said it was better he forgets we use to certain positions when we were making love we talked still trying to get over it but know he still thinks of her I know by my daughter she wa in controlling marriage she separated she was seeing someone even she thinks of him even his dad cheated on his I've Tod him don't believe him told him to go leave asked him a why don't you talk to ha doesn't know when I try to talk he doesn't want

My really close friend’s DH cheated on her. It was really sad. They’ve remained really friendly during it though, he remained with affair partner and she’s now getting married to her partner and has a DC who’s just turned 2. XH even came over and helped her out postpartum when her partner had to go out of town for a week. They have keys to each other’s houses and regularly help each other out like friends would. It’s good for their son but I’m surprised she was able to remain so civil and friendly.

DH’s dad cheated and left his mum for his AP. They’re still together 35 years later. Dad, mum and both of their partners regularly get together for dinner and DH is 40.

For me it’s not the cheating that makes it hard to remain amicable but all the gaslighting afterwards because he absolutely hates the idea that he was in the wrong so he has to tell me how awful I am and how he had no choice.
Im doing the right thing for the kids by being polite and cooperative but deep down I really hate him for what he’s put me through.

This is very hard to read. Could you use punctuation please. Just full stops between sentences at least.

You know what you mean because you are typing it. For everyone else it's really difficult to understand.

I couldn't. :( i would want to be the bigger person, and manage for the kids. But i would feel so insulted, disrespected i couldn't. It would be a complete battle between logical reaction and my emotional impulse which would probably make me hate him more 😂 it would also damage my self worth (i know it shouldnt but i would take it extremely badly and you cant help how you feel, just how you react)

He would probably hate me too as he is a defensive type.

I do get annoyed when i hear cheaters hating their ex...I'm like how? Why? Your the one that was an arse..

So lets hope we would divorce before any cheating 😂😅

Yes, my first marriage ended due to infidelity. We were and are still friends . The divorce was handled very amicably , and since then we have been distant but friendly. The kids were old enough to be not badly affected, which was a good thing. Ex and I both found new partners and I've remarried . Ex and I see each other about twice a year at family functions , and that's it. We still send a text on each other's birthdays etc. So yes, it's possible to divorce amicably under those circumstances.

My friend is on friendly terms with her ex husband who left her for another woman. She says she lost all interest in sex for many years so doesn’t actually blame him! I think she’s amazing to harbour so little resentment. But he did treat her well in the divorce with a generous settlement so maybe that helps.

Her mental health is a lot better than another friend who still hates her ex husband who cheated. But you can’t help how you feel.

I know plenty that have

So, 2 grown ass adults with kids can't move forwards and be civil? Seems weird to me. It happend and its in the past, you don't want to be together so stay so angry at each other?

This. Although my ex still resents me over 4 years on, it's pathetic really

You don't think it is understandable for someone whose partner lied and conducted a relationship with someone else whilst they were together to take time to get to a place where they might feel ok to even speak to their ex? People who conduct affairs aren't always pleasant. There can be be months of gaslighting, blame, lying, deception, and often at the point of discovery they can be very very hostile. The process has broken people and left them unable to trust again. It can leave people psychologically scarred.

I have moved forward and am perfectly amicable and supportive with my ex H who left me for someone else. It took me a few years but one of the things I am most proud of is learning to let go of the anger which hurts no-one but yourself. I can't imagine how awful it would be to be trapped in this cycle years on. You need to get your head round that your own anger doesn't hurt him in any way, it hurts you. Your mental well-being is way more important than his behaviour. Years down the line, his behaviour is now irrelevant. You're not forgiving him for his sake, it's for yours. It's so freeing to come to terms with this.

What a lovely story.

I knew a lady that was bitter about her cheating ex till the day she died - 50 years. She should have had therapy but back then it really wasn't a thing.

I stopped being angry after about 6 months. I thought what's the point, it achieves absolutely nothing. DD's wellbeing was my priority and me being angry and bitter would be bound to have a negative impact on that so I let it go. That was 25 years ago and ex and OW are still together and have married so it was clearly more than a "fling".

I'm civil with my ex and he had an affair. He broke it off with the ow when I found out, and he never went back. Which to me is even worse, he trashed our relationship for a few quick shags. But we had dc so I remained civil and we brought our dd up, co parenting well. She's 16 now (6 when we split) and a well adjusted teen. I barely have to talk to him now.

I was very hurt and upset when it happened i went through a stage of thinking it was all my fault, if only I'd been more attentive, kind, let him do his hobbies yada yada, but soon realised he did it because he was a selfish arsehole and a cunt, and I was better off. It helped that he really wanted to stay married to me and I didn't, I think he ended up worse off all round as a result of his actions and he knows it. I'm now in a relationship with a lovely man and my ex's life is a bit of a car crash.

I'm civil when I need to me but don't need to have much contact now (children are now adults). I hated him for the deceit during his infidelity, the gaslighting, lies and emotional abuse afterwards and his lack of ability to co-parent. He made a minimal contribution as maintenance towards the children. I rarely think of him now to be honest but my mental health did suffer for quite a few years after finding out about his affair and the subsequent divorce.

Zero relationship. Horrific divorce. Left me for a woman who is a sadistic narcissist. Both turned on me with such venom that I had a breakdown. When I was diagnosed with breast cancer and needed help with son while I had surgery, OW was so insecure she demanded that he choose between her and our then little boy. There was no way he was going to be allowed to help me so he chose her (and told me it was my own fault!). She bought them a house 750 miles away. He's changed his number and is largely estranged from his family. I cannot imagine ever being in the same room as him again and son has grown up without him so he's a complete stranger. Son has no interest in seeing him again. I do hope it was worth it.

An exacerbating reason for the toxicity of relationships post affair can be the influence of the AP.

I left my wife after getting close to someone else. An emotional affair that was an exit affair (ie I was too weak to end things honourably). I disclosed early on to my wife that it was happening and left with nothing (I was a SAHD/part time job). I think that helped, there was no fighting over the house or her pensions. A small shred of decency in me wanted the kids to not have to move, to remain with their friends in their street.

The OW, now W, said initially she wanted me to remain friendly with my ex W but as soon as we had moved into together that flipped and she became desperate for me to hate my ex W, and that should have told me then that our relationship was destined to be a toxic shitshow. I never hated my ex W or even disliked her but I didn't challenge my W enough on being pushed to. Interestingly I wasn't allowed to criticise her ex H (who in a rewrite of history she now denies she cheated on) but she would mock and berate him to his face.

20 years on W gets on quite well with her ex H (can still run him down a bit but no longer to his face) and throughout it my ex W and I remained civil although not friendly. In part because I was and still am subject to inquisition if I speak to her without W being present.

Throughout it all my ex W and my W's ex H have shown they are far better people than my W and I. They tolerated our shit for the sake of the children.

I wish both of them had better fortune in relationships after we left (although having us as spouses was no doubt mainly horrible for them). If it didn't mean erasing my children from history I wish my ex W had told me to get to fuck once she realised I wasn't a 'nice guy' (I did that whole nice guy with narc tendencies routine for many years). I gave her a life far less than she deserved.

I think it helps massively if there’s enough money to go round, a fair outcome, and minimal mud slinging.

I don’t enjoy being in STBXH’s presence but I can chat with him on the phone about kids, dogs, etc, without animosity.

My life is way more peaceful now I live alone (kids are 20’s) and he has made sad sausage noises about messing up his life so I think I came out of it the happiest in the end.