Marriages that end with affairs - does anyone stay civil?

[tescotulips]

I've read lots of messages about couples who are able to stay amicable after divorce, but does this ever happen when infidelity is involved?
My ex went off with the OW and years on, we still hate each other with vengeance ! I often wonder how I even liked this man, let alone loved him!
Does anyone have any stories of divorce that haven't gone so well?
We have kids together so still hear about each other via them.

My parents actually did ok. I can recall 1 argument I had to deal with. My mum cheated and left to move in with OM whom she remained with for 36 years until her death. (9 years ago) The last 13 years My sister has hosted Christmas for both parents and after mum's death stepdad. Stepdad until my father's health getting bad often would drive dad back home from mutual family events.

I don't think this really happened until I was .mid to late teens they had been divorced 10 years by then...

Mum came to his parents funeral ans was welcomed. Dad came to her mothers funeral and was that welcomed he was ordered to stay for the family only evening do.

When I married I put his then wife next to my stepdad. On telling then stepmum this she replied. "Great I love him we will have fun" and they did.

If there's kids involved, put kids first and be the bigger person. Just be polite and civil. If your ex can't be, you still can be and it'll be clear to all who's acting the fool.

If no kids... well just never see or even think about them ever again.

That's so lovely.

I think it depends on how it was handled after, the remorse, the reasons, the time spent healing.
The ones who just go off and leave someone in pain, then on top of that are horrible to them.. well no wonder there can't be an amicable relationship

This is key. Marriages often end due to affairs, abuse or addictions. If you have an abusive ex who has affairs then the chances of an amicable post divorce relationship is very unlikely.

Indeed therapists will tell you to distant yourself for your well being. If a marriage ends but the person having an affair has empathy then chances for an amicable relationship is likely.

I think the question might be "if your ex had an affair what did they do to build a post separation amicable relationship"

Mine is amicable after a divorce caused by infidelity.

@Livinghappy this to me is it. My ex traumatised me in many ways but I would have been prepared to put it behind me and at least have a civil relationship for the sake of the kids if he had just handled the divorce in a reasonable way. I was never asking for anything unreasonable and we have ended up where I would have agreed to if he had just been reasonable. Instead he was fucking horrible throughout the whole process despite me being diagnosed with breast cancer and going through a very gruelling treatment programme for a year.

I had exactly the same, also had breast cancer. Prior to that several years of the most horrific abuse from him and OW. My breast cancer sent her over the edge and she banned our then 8 yo from their home. My ex hasn't seen him since, that was 4 years ago. There was never going to be an amicable relationship, he was never going to be a decent co-parent. I'm so glad they are no longer in our life. I hope you're doing OK

My exh had an affair with my friend. It was incredibly difficult at first. There was a lot of shouting in the first three months or so. Then I became very depressed and didn't have the energy to shout at anyone for 6 months or so. I won't lie I still find aspects of it hard. But we worked very hard to be civil for the kids. We even had Christmas together for the first four years and it was-hard work-but fine.There are still times, 8 years on, when he angers me massively. And I don't t think I'll ever be over the betrayal (more her than him actually-I knew what he was like, he'd done it before -with a random not a friend -but the lies and manipulation from her were worse and I just wouldn't have thought it of her). However we are civil and sometimes friendly-ish. He came to DD's 18th recently at our house for example. And when the kids need us-as dd2 did a few years back when she was going through a rough time we work together and agree courses of action and such. It's as good as it can be under the circumstances.

@Notsuchaniceguy

Why on earth are you still in this relationship? It sounds absolutely toxic for everyone involved. You don't have to live like this.

Even if your kids are now adults, it can only be a good thing to show them that you can be single and happy. That you don't have to stay in a toxic relationship for any reason at all.

Bloody hell, you're a better person than me. That is one hell of a betrayal.

I agree with this which is why I was asking him questions earlier in the thread. Partly fascinated at the perspective but also, why on Earth would you continue on unless to punish yourself.

@TheFormidableMrsC

I hope @Notsuchaniceguy won't mind me saying this as he's mentioned previously that he had narcissistic traits in the past but I think that sometimes it sounds like he's staying with her partly to paint himself in a victim role.

Sort of oh "I was so awful and now I just have to be miserable forever" because it's then more likely people will feel sorry for him rather than attacking his character.

I may be way off, or he might not realise that's what he's doing, but I've seen it a number of times where people have been the 'baddie' in a situation (for want of a better word) and when the consequences are unfortunate for them, they lean into the woe is me role and somehow become the victim.

As I say, I could be way off but it's something I've seen before and I think that poster should seek some counselling to exit the toxic relationship they are in and focus on healing and being healthy and happy.

I split from my ex , when dd1 was four months old due to him having an affair. His ow is a complete and utter cow ! He stopped seeing dd when she was 5 , she is turning 25 this week! We have had no contact for 19 years, so the opposite of amicable

I split from my ex 15 years ago yesterday (on the day his daughter by the OW was born, actually) and haven't spoken to him in almost as long. I was furious and hurt about the fact that he accused our toddler of lying about "Daddy's friend", that she was spending their weekly father/son days together with them (which confused our toddler) and, above all, that he thought he could have his cake and eat it too. We had been friends from the time we were 11 and were 32 when we split. I got the mutual friends for the most part, but it turned out that they all thought he was a weirdo and I could have done better from the time we first started dating at 14.

The stupid thing is that I was prepared to figure it out and co-parent amicably. Two kids together, who were 4 and 12 when we split. But he just wasn't interested. My oldest and he pretend that neither of them exist, which upsets me, his family minimise our relationship (rewriting history) which also hurts - and they all tell my 19 year old that they "wish they were closer to" him... which irritates me endlessly, because not one of them puts any effort into his relationships with them. It's not like they're stupid people, they're just the sort who can't figure out that when shit consistently goes wrong in their lives, if the common denominator is them... then it's a them problem. I have never badmouthed any of them to my children, but my youngest used to come back and tell me things about me that simply weren't true - to the point where, when he was 15, I simply stopped facilitating the relationship. Left it up to him as to how often he wanted to see them, as he chafed at the rigidity of the EOW for 9 hours (no overnights, no 50/50, no phone calls, no bloody interest...). He hasn't seen them since October, when my ex happened to walk into the cycle chop that DS and my current partner were standing in, and try to be a bit possessive over the fact that DS was his (which irritated DS to the point where he chose to put his father into a time out...),

We live in a small town. I wind up hearing what goes on through third parties, without asking, and I daresay that he and the OW have the same issue. I will never forgive him for saying that our son was a liar at 2, for not having the balls to be honest with me, for replacing our children with two more (never paid maintenance, either) - but he's the one bemoaning that he and our 19 year old son aren't best mates... which is through his own choices. As our DS says "if he'd put a little bit of effort in...", but like so many, he preferred to behave like some victim of his angry ex (which, personally, I was hurt rather than angry and wanted him to build a good relationship with our kids). I actually had a better relationship with the OW, for crying out loud...

@contrary13 , sounds very similar to my situation, my exes family have completely ignored dd for 19 years.

It's how they hurt us. They can't write us out of their son/brother's history entirely, because there's living human evidence that we were together - but they can hurt those kids because they know, as parents themselves, it hurts us.

DD isn't biologically my ex's, which is his get-out clause, but he's literally the only father figure she knew from six months to twelve years old. His brother (who is low contact with his family due to their racism towards his Indian wife/biracial children) goes out of his way, fifteen years on, to include DD - never forgets her birthday, she gets a festive gift, when his kids were born, she was one of the first to have no choice but to hold them... they are her "little cousins". The rest of them, who supposedly adored her... when we needed them, when her MH took a nose dive, if only just to support her little brother, they were nowhere to be found. Mutual friends stepped up, instead, regardless of their own families/work. Says it all.

But the whole "oh, I really wish we were closer..." whining that my ex has spent the last 14 months doing...? Gets on my last nerve. It's like he expected our son to turn 18 and suddenly be his wingman, or something...

I think there's a lot of "it depends" involved.

A long marriage which has basically broken down but neither had called time on it until one met someone else is quite different to a long standing affair whilst the guilty party pretends everything is perfect at home!

I know people in the former category who remain friends, in fact the other party had a "friend" too it's just it hadn't progressed as far, both happily married to their new partners and still get along fine, even socialise a bit, definitely a good example of cooperation

I do think there's some truth in that or at least there was. I had some therapy over the years where I went in pretty much with the 'oh my life has been so hard' spiel but in my last course I went in with 'some of my behaviours, whilst explainable by my upbringing, are not excusable because of it' (tip of the hat to Mumsnet for highlighting some).

The therapy was compassion focussed in nature which on paper sounds like therapy that's all about having your therapist feel sorry for you. In fact it wasn't at all. I had to own my shit and bring to the surface just how much I hated myself and why that led to shame and self attack and why I behaved in certain ways to avoid shame and gain validation from others. Post therapy I'd say I like myself more than I have ever done, am much better at recognising pulls to past behaviour, and a lot of shame over past actions has shifted to guilt (from desire to hide from what I have done to desire to make amends if that is what the other wants. I'm OK with them telling me to get to fuck if that is also what they want)

So I don't think I'm staying because just I want people to feel sorry for me although I'll admit it can be nice for a short while, most people like a kind word. I know full well that if I don't leave and bang on about it, people rightly move away from feeling sorry for me to exasperation with me.

I stay because whilst I can picture me in a small flat on my own, poor but happy and able to do what I want, walk a lot, go to museums, go on walking holidays just me and my tent, see friends when I want, join a book club and most of all not bother with any form of relationship, all without walking on eggshells, I also picture something else.

That is W really struggling on her own having lost her support as well as the lifestyle she wants. I listen to her rants and moans about work and the colleagues she doesn't get on with. I have always done the housework, organised the trips, done the 'life admin'. Could she do this without me? I don't know, she has said she could but also tells me about her failing memory, how tired she is, how being seriously ill a year or so ago has damaged her. Her family are dysfunctional and unlikely to support her and it seems cruel for me to leave her on her own and cruel to me to stay.

And also, she is usually nicer to me when she thinks I might leave. Things feel a little better and I think now isn't the time. Then there'll be something, a moment or a horrible confrontation and the cycle repeats. Is that trauma bonding? I don't know. It is what it is and it's a bit shit but although I like the metaphor that a bit of shit in your soup ruins it all, I'm sort of spooning around it. And although I'm not at all religious I broke one set of marriage vows to end up with W and doing it again doesn't sit lightly with me.