Marriages that end with affairs - does anyone stay civil?

[tescotulips]

I've read lots of messages about couples who are able to stay amicable after divorce, but does this ever happen when infidelity is involved?
My ex went off with the OW and years on, we still hate each other with vengeance ! I often wonder how I even liked this man, let alone loved him!
Does anyone have any stories of divorce that haven't gone so well?
We have kids together so still hear about each other via them.

Well that's a very honest post. Why on Earth have you stayed with a woman who is as vile as your wife?

Totally agree.

@TheFormidableMrsC because:
Usually I think:
I deserve no better
Her actions can be explained by her traumatic past (and she is only hurting me)
I am also a vile person
If I left I'd ruin her standard of living, adding to my vileness
She can be very nice
Leaving might put me at risk
Leaving might affect her mental and physical health for the worse meaning she might lose her job ruining her standard of living even more
Men only leave for another woman and whilst my conscious self does not have or want another woman I may be driven by unconcious forces. My W has said when we discussed separation I must have another woman lined up, I just don't know it yet.

Sometimes I think:
I have worked hard to become a better person, own my own shit, use therapy to try to change and have become much better at recognising past bad behaviours and leaning into apology and restitution and away from shame and consequent internal denial of said behaviour
I don't owe someone else a living who has a job and the ability to do it.
I could leave and do my best to soften the financial blow (rent but pay half the mortgage)
Maybe she would be happier without me- she has called me a cunt, a gutless cretin, said that I have broken her spirit, that I promised her the world and gave her nothing.
Maybe the above comments are abusive and I shouldn't have to tolerate them
We no longer have a physical relationship and live, not even as friends, because friends who house share aren't policed on their movements (I don't police hers, in my dark heart I'd be OK if she found someone else) and this is no way to live.

The sometimes thoughts are growing stronger but I have been told that "we deserve each other" as well as told I should leave. My therapist (who I was lucky enough to get through OH at work and never told my wife about because she thinks therapy is for weak people and would have quizzed me on what I said and how I would have made her out to be bad) was in the latter camp and I told them everything I've seen and done.

I am head fucked by it all to be honest so just work and watch junk TV and read crime novels. It's not a great life but many people have it far far worse.

Absolutely agree with @SherryPalmer . I think regardless of what goes on, a lot of it comes down to how it is handled emotionally by both people, especially the person who cheated.

When I split with my longest LTR, we went for a final drink together on the day I was moving out, and both admitted that we had been texting / interested in other people towards the end of our relationship. Nothing had happened physically but it was a sign we were both unhappy - despite both trying hard to make it work for years - and looking for something else. We've both moved on now (this was 3 years ago) and are good friends now.

I think if you have children you learn to be the best actress in the world

I was the one who had the affair, and yes me and my ex DH are amicable. He actually wanted to stay married but I chose to leave as it wasn't fair on anybody. We worked out our divorce and financial settlement between us and we've helped each other out over the years when needed, we co-parent well, it's all fine. Sometimes we fall out over things but only in the same way all exes do but we can still have a whinge or laugh together. We're not close as we've both moved on with other people, but there's really no hostility between us, other than the occasional prickle (which is normally to do with money!).

@Notsuchaniceguy This is really interesting to read. I appreciate your honesty and that you at least have some self awareness. I hope you've apologised to your ex-wife. It sounds to me like you are punishing yourself by staying with your current wife. Like you deserve it. It sounds miserable. I often wonder if my ex has any regrets about the appalling way he treated us and the absolutely awful woman he chose over our son. However, I don't think he has the capacity to do that. It is clear reading your posts that self reflection is important.

I know one couple where the wife cheated and is now with the AP and they had a child. Her exH met someone else and also had a child about the same age. They also have two children together. They are all great friends and always hanging out together. It's nice, but also a bit too much! She even has a picture of them all as her FB profile picture.

I don't think hate or resentment are emotions you should carry. Let all that go!

I loathe my ex who cheated for years and spent thousands of pounds on escorts. But I loathe him mainly for how he has behaved during the divorce. He could have behaved like a reasonable human being in which case we might have been able to salvage an amicable co-parenting relationship. Instead he has gone out of his way to make my life difficult, whilst I tried to deal with the divorce and cancer at the same time. So now there is no chance of ever having a civil relationship again.

I'm guessing you have never been cheated on and had to deal with the emotional and financial fallout

I don’t hate anyone and not my ex H. You don’t have to forgive to move on. I haven’t seen or spoken to him since we split. Only via msg regarding the children that’s it.
If someone can lie, cheat, gaslight and manipulate there family over many years why on earth would I want to have them in my life. I don’t and I never will, although I try and limit the affects of what he has done on my children. Unfortunately he’s broken and always will be. Very sad what some people do to there families.

I should say though I am only 18 months on from discovering his cheating in a very traumatic way - I am hopeful the hurt and anger may in time be less devastating

@Waitingforsummer75

Twice.

I did apologise to her and have done to my now adult children. On my darkest days I cling to my daughter's comment that "Well, you are a good father now". I didn't ask her for forgiveness and tried as best as possible not to put pressure on her to say nice things about me so I hope it is a valid answer. I am in both their lives which is good.

As for ex W the apology came rather too late in that unbeknownst to all of us there was a health problem already in progress that meant that she was perhaps not able to comprehend it fully. The day of the apology was the day we can look back on and now see what was going on as there were other things that day that fit the pattern of where she is now.

The best I can do now is take her to some medical appointments, help my children support her and support them in what they have to do to provide care. My current W isn't that keen on it but on this I'm holding my ground. I never told my W about my apologies, probably wouldn't have landed well. She'd have to think about apologising to her ex H and as said, that history has been rewritten. I wonder about apologising to him myself. I think if W and I spilt I will. And again it won't be about him forgiving me, he has no reason to.

I know what you mean. It is all the run up to things - in the couple of years before we split he did horrible things eg he would pick my conversations with him apart eg if I said OK then that was not good enough, why did I not say more, was I not more interested in it etc. I felt like I was going mad at times and doubted what kind of person I was.

I agree. Put a face on, act civil, don't badmouth. Even if inside you are raging.

Have you ever been through something like this?

My ExH left for OW, they are now married. After several years I now have no feelings about his infidelity or him dragging our divorce out for over three years.

The reason I can't be civil with him is his continued failure to put our DC ahead of himself and his wife. He refuses to co-parent and sees them as and when it suits him. Begrudges paying minimal maintenance and has let our DC down so many times that I despise him.

@TheFormidableMrsC

Twice

I never said it's not understandable, but all it does is damage your kids when their parents can't be civil.

@HalloumiGeller I never said it's not understandable, but all it does is damage your kids when their parents can't be civil.

Oh obviously it's better for the sc but I don't think inferring that someone whose mental health has been completely decimated who can not be civil to the person who in often times has abused them is in some way not a good parent is very helpful

Now you're twisting my words.....

I didn't say that. I simply said it can damage your children by being at loggerheads with your ex, which is true. We are all adults, therfore we need to put our feelings about each other to one side and do what's best for our kids, like grown ups.

Yes, we have. He cheated repeatedly. It was awful at first - not fighty or manipulative, just very tense and awkward. Once the dust settled though, we sat down and agreed to put the kids at the centre of all our actions and decision making as far as humanly possible. This has worked very well. We live within a mile of each other. He plays, and has always played, a full and equal role in their lives, the kids are ‘nested’. He has a room here and I spend half a week in my partners home but pop in most days as does he when I’m home. We even spend Christmas together with our partners and the kids. Is it ideal? No. Is it, given we can’t live together, the best outcome for the kids? Yes, absolutely.

My dad has been with my stepmum for as long as I can remember (over 40 years now) & my parents have always been civil if not friendly.

My dad & stepmum moved away for 20 years but now they've been back home for about 5 years & they're all on friendly terms - my dad does a lot of things for my mum now that my stepdad has passed away & while he's out sorting her decking or whatever my stepmum & mum have a coffee & a good chat.

I have a friend whose parents (divorced for 30/35 years after his affair) moved in together during lockdown for company after his AP passed away & she eventually sold her house to become housemates long term - my friend finds it really weird though.