Tired and sad dad, carrying everything.

[TiredLovingDad]

Hi,

I'm not a native english speaker so bare with me:P

I live with my wife and two kids in a European country. My wife is from another country and we moved back to my country about seven years ago. My wife has gone to school to learn the language, but she isn't making much effort to really get integrated. If something was to happen to me today, she wouldn't be able to deal with things herself. I think I have always felt that she lacked bit of the "go" needed to get things done, and instead justs let me deal with everything. More on this coming.

Our kids are four and eight, and is the only reason I'm still in this relationship at this point. She loves the kids, but still let's me deal with everything. She cooks maybe once every few days and cleans their clothes, and somewhat think this is enough to justify me doing literally everything else. I'm the one getting their teeth brushed and getting them to bed. I'm the one that gets them up in the morning, gets them dressed, gives them breakfast and drives them to their respective schools. Maybe my wife has a tiring job and therefore needs to have her rest you might think? No, she have barely worked a single day since we got together. Me on the other hand, I run my own small company with a few employees, I work a lot. I work between 8am to 5pm whilst the kids are in school, then I normally work between 9pm and 1am when the kids are sleeping. I work from home as its online based, and I get the feeling my wife thinks its not a real job, since i'm just at the computer and home.

This morning I asked my wife if she could help me get the youngest one up from bed. She got grumpy and did NOT help me, instead when into the bedroom, closed the door and went back to sleep.

I'm so so sad, and don't know what to do, I don't want to continue like this. If she was well integrated I would have left her already. But if I leave her, I can't trust that she does her part when it comes to the kids. She isn't mean to the kids, but I just can't trust that she is there for all their needs. Also I have the feeling it wouldn't be a "friendly" separation. Atm I have kind of been thinking, wait til the kids get a bit older, old enough to decide for themself who they want to live with.

I'm trying to push her to do things. She says she want to work, she want to do this and that. But nothing gets done. She have a job since one month now, about half time, but she is already complaining and saying she want to apply to some education instead (which she has said before but never done). And this week she has called in sick because she thinks its to early and cold to go to the bus...

Aside from her not doing her part at home, she is also very negative as a person. Nothing is ever good. She likes to see the bad in things rather than the good and positive.

I have tried to talk with her many times, but she only gets super angry. I don't know how to get her to understand or what to do.

/ Sad and tired Dad.

Sorry to hear about this. This sounds like textbook depression on the part of your wife, probably exacerbated by the move to a new country. Has she seen a doctor?

Also, you're not responsible for her welfare if you do decide to separate

I was also going to say, it sounds a lot like depression. Can you suggest she goes to her doctor? Was she happy to move to the country you live in, has she got any friends there? Sorry this is happening, it sounds very hard on you.

I feel for you, your English is good!
Your wife must get fluent in the language of your chosen country. Can she not join groups and activities, by herself or with the kids.
check she has no medical needs either, to rule out depression or anything else

So ... How did you meet? how were things before the kids came along? how did you end up back in your home country? how often does your wife see her family? Why is your wife so sad?

I would say to you the same I would say to any woman with that post. She is taking you for granted. What does she bring into the relationship other that grumpiness and bad mods?
If the answer is nothing you will be better out the relationship. If you go the financial capacity of doing it I would seriously thinking about it.

Hi,

Yes I have thought of depression also. I have suffered from depression myself before so it's nothing I take lightly. She have said at times she feels sad, and I have tried to make her go and talk with a doctor. Have offered to take the initial contact with them also to get things rolling. But then she says she feels happier again a week later and doesn't go see the doctor. Ideally she probs want to skip having to go to a doctor and just get some pills over a call.... I have told her it doesn't work like that. Even if there is need for medication (I ate one anti-depressant for 12 years) you still need to start by going to the doctor. It's hard for me to do much if she don't want the help herself.

I'd say, even if she has a light depression, she isn't depressed enough to not even be able to go see the doctor. She has many friends, much more than me (as I never have time to see anyone) that she meets several times a week. She can be in the city, eat and do things with her friends all day in the middle of the week whilst I deal with everything else. So it's not really that she is unable to get up from bed or such. Because if a friend calls she is on her feet right away. I'm 100% certain she rather takes a day with her friends than with her family (me and the kids) 99/100 times.

She often talks with the family in her home country, they have a lot of contact. And I often says she is free to go visit them anytime she wants, it's important. I'm even open to living there part of the year as its a beautiful country with a nice climate, with good international schools etc, i prefer it over my home country by a mile. She is again the one pushing back here. She says she prefers it here.

So again, It feels like im not excluding any reason for her behaviour, and I'm doin what I can to help in anyway I can.

Wrote a bit on it above. Depression isn't ruled out, but she doesn't seem to want any help. Also she has lots of friends here, that she sees a lot. She also says she prefers it here over here home country.

I'm pretty certain I would be a lot happier not being in this relationship. I have also been (and is) the sole income of the family since the beginning. So financially, for me, nothing would change. If anything I would get it better financially.

This sounds a tricky situation.

Many people do struggle when living in a country that isn't their own, and to be fair getting a new language to the point you can work using that language is really tough.

Quite a few of my friends live in other countries and it isn't unusual for them to be happy seeing friends from their own country or with their own language or even a specifically expat group as they know their language slip ups will be tolerated.

If you said to your wife that she has to see the doctor to get anti-depressants is it possible she didn't want to do it because her language skills weren't up to it?

I have taken my kids for medical treatment while abroad and it's seriously taxed my language skills.

Could you offer to go with your wife and translate?

Obviously you have the right to leave her should you want to but I suspect there is some depression and difficulty with a different country going on here and it's worth trying to support her first.

We met when I was studying in her home country. I noticed like some potential red flags even then, like her being quite negative in general. But generally things where ok.

There is more opportunity in my home country, better for the kids to grow up in, also it's quite hard for an expat to live permanently in her home country. Its a nice and beautiful country tho and I wouldn't mind splitting our times between the two countries. She often speaks with her family, several hours per week. She says she prefers it here over her home country. She has also gotten a lot of friends here and seem generally happy when she doesn't have to take responsibility or is asked to do so.

She is quite good with the language, for sure well enough to go about, and more. I wouldn't say fluent, but not far from.

I have said I will follow her to the doctor and be supportive in any way I can if she feels that she is sad and need help. I have tried to get her to see a doctor many times. It's hard to get her to.. go that final distance to actually do it, not just with seeing the doctor. And I mean I cannot force her. She needs to want the help.

A depressed person may not want the help.

I have got anti depressants for a member of my family without her seeing the doctor because she was so depressed and upset she just couldn't do it.

I do not know whether your wife is depressed or not as I am not there, but if you think she is then YOU need to do something.

When I first read your post I was also thinking depression, but from what you have said about her having friendships and support and also choosing to stay in your current country rather than go home, plus refusing to see the doctor, I think the problem is actually more that she is lazy and selfish.

I think you should seek legal advice as to what things would look like if you divorce. Would you have to show that you are the primary carer for the kids in order to have them with you the majority of the time, etc. The laws can be very different on this so it's important to get advice from a solicitor in your home country.

I would normally say that a marriage should be fixed if possible before jumping into a divorce, but it sounds like you have done your best to support her and ask her to change, and it's just not happening. You've effectively got 3 children to support - and this is not teaching your children anything good about relationships, too.

Based on your response then, and the fact she has many friends she is happy to make the effort to meet, it just sounds like she is sadly not interested in family life and pulling her weight. It’s not fair on you and shouldn’t continue. I’d consider ending the relationship, or letting her know you will if she doesn’t make some changes.

If you don't want to be with her - don't. Get shared custody of the kids - she will have to pull her weigh if you are not around to do it for her... If she doesn't you get the kids full-time.
It's not going to get better. She's having a lovely time!

Realistically if you leave her what will happen?

In the U.K. you cannot force someone to have custody of children if they don't want it.
Would she want to look after the kids?

Would you wind up in a situation where she never sees the kids or sees them on a Saturday afternoon only and you are a single parent full-time?

Maybe this is preferable for you. I don't know. But it is worth thinking about.

If you are earning a reasonable amount it might be easier to try to buy in help - cleaner, someone to take the kids to school and back etc.

You could do this whatever you decide about your wife.

She doesn’t want to be there @TiredLovingDad .
She doesn’t want to be in your home country. I wouldn’t be surprised if she resents you for ‘dragging her’ there. Esp if you are always working.
Im not sure she even wants to be in the family anymore either.

I don’t think you can do anything to make her step up.
I don’t think ’ you can make her learn your language (by experience, she won’t after that length of time in the country)..

But you can choose how to live your life.
You can investigate your rights as a father in your country.
You can decide to separate.
You can also review how much you work (these are crazy hours!) so you get a better work- life balance.

Took too long to type my message and Xpost with some of your posts @TiredLovingDad

Hi op I understand depression as I suffer with it myself I also understand it comes in different severity I'm not for 1 second saying you wife dont love you or the children but I think your to easy on her your working doing most stuff for the children and she's enjoying herself with friends or just being lazy like I said I have depression but I still do my motherly duty and care for my children I'm sorry but she would be gone

I feel the posts here are being far too understanding of the wife's behaviour. mental health issues or no, difficulties or no - she is an adult. she has responsibilities. sounds like she just wants an easy life to me.

I think you should tell her how you feel. that you are tired of being taken for granted.

if a woman poster the exact problems as you, I would tell her to get rid.

Consider what you want and make it happen. You've taken the first step in coming on here and getting another opinion.

But what makes you think you can hear her secret cries of agony and speak for her when she specifically says she DOESN'T want to move back home and prefers being in OP's country?

Also obviously he has to work more if she's not pulling her weight financially.

Would you have been so sympathetic if she wasn't a woman?

This!

If a woman posted the same scenario @TiredLovingDad the advice would be completely different.

Your wife sounds like the female equivalent of a 'cock lodger'.

If talking to her about the issues hasn't worked, perhaps it's time to part company, start divorce proceedings and have shared custody of the children.

She is getting a lot of sympathy purely for being a woman.
She is lazy, unhelpful with her own children and not bringing an income in for the family. She does however have plenty of energy to socialise.
Get rid of her OP, you will be far happier without her leaving life's burdens to you.

I’m not sure how she is being sympathized with? Nearly everyone is telling op to leave.