Tired and sad dad, carrying everything.

[TiredLovingDad]

Hi,

I'm not a native english speaker so bare with me:P

I live with my wife and two kids in a European country. My wife is from another country and we moved back to my country about seven years ago. My wife has gone to school to learn the language, but she isn't making much effort to really get integrated. If something was to happen to me today, she wouldn't be able to deal with things herself. I think I have always felt that she lacked bit of the "go" needed to get things done, and instead justs let me deal with everything. More on this coming.

Our kids are four and eight, and is the only reason I'm still in this relationship at this point. She loves the kids, but still let's me deal with everything. She cooks maybe once every few days and cleans their clothes, and somewhat think this is enough to justify me doing literally everything else. I'm the one getting their teeth brushed and getting them to bed. I'm the one that gets them up in the morning, gets them dressed, gives them breakfast and drives them to their respective schools. Maybe my wife has a tiring job and therefore needs to have her rest you might think? No, she have barely worked a single day since we got together. Me on the other hand, I run my own small company with a few employees, I work a lot. I work between 8am to 5pm whilst the kids are in school, then I normally work between 9pm and 1am when the kids are sleeping. I work from home as its online based, and I get the feeling my wife thinks its not a real job, since i'm just at the computer and home.

This morning I asked my wife if she could help me get the youngest one up from bed. She got grumpy and did NOT help me, instead when into the bedroom, closed the door and went back to sleep.

I'm so so sad, and don't know what to do, I don't want to continue like this. If she was well integrated I would have left her already. But if I leave her, I can't trust that she does her part when it comes to the kids. She isn't mean to the kids, but I just can't trust that she is there for all their needs. Also I have the feeling it wouldn't be a "friendly" separation. Atm I have kind of been thinking, wait til the kids get a bit older, old enough to decide for themself who they want to live with.

I'm trying to push her to do things. She says she want to work, she want to do this and that. But nothing gets done. She have a job since one month now, about half time, but she is already complaining and saying she want to apply to some education instead (which she has said before but never done). And this week she has called in sick because she thinks its to early and cold to go to the bus...

Aside from her not doing her part at home, she is also very negative as a person. Nothing is ever good. She likes to see the bad in things rather than the good and positive.

I have tried to talk with her many times, but she only gets super angry. I don't know how to get her to understand or what to do.

/ Sad and tired Dad.

Before separating I would still try to leave her to be responsible for child care.

How could you trust her to look after the kids if she has 50/50 care?
And if she still neglects them and doesn't improve, that fact could help in you getting majority care of the children should you separate.

@Froggywentawalking234

😳😳😳

What an odd reply.

It's a forum - we are all entitled to post our views, and have them responded to (not just the OP). That includes you - and me.

I said exactly what I said - that I couldn't imagine posting such trite & silly comments. So I remarked on your comments - not you, or your 'lived experience' 🙄

And interestingly you've totally rowed back on your original comments, now you've actually, you know, read the OP's posts.

You have tried and tried now it is time to tell her to leave. Yes you will still be doing everything for the children on your own but at least you will be happier.

I would be making sure the passports weren’t accessible. You evidently need to separate and she may panic/lash out when she realises she needs to start looking after herself.
Im not sure what conversations you’ve already had with her but good advice is to say how YOU feel. That’s harder to argue with. You feel taken advantage of and tired and anxious about the children. You don’t see any value in the relationship.

Having read through all of your posts, can I just ask that rather than think of the grown ups the children's situation is considered. If you conclude the only solution is separation (because you are the only one who can decide), please ensure their welfare is maintained.

The situation described is one which will not support the children physically, socially or mentally without you continuing the same pattern you have and the children staying with you.

It is very suggestive your wife could support and chooses not to /can't. The encouragement by your explicitly asking for the input then withdrawing from it short term will either see her step up or not. If she does step up this may change your opinion as to outcome wanted or timing of this. If not, this is important to know when considering how your children are supported. It is unfair on your children for them to be left with someone who cannot/will not meet their needs and this would impact them negatively. I believe this is why you've adopted the pattern of support currently in place from description. I also think you know all this and are very child centred from your posts. Just putting this here because any chance to the status quo will impact, though if current uncertainty as to when and if mum is back impacts it could be positive with time when happens that is positive, but there are many challenges too. If your children are as stable as they are because of you being their anchor, please keep being it. :) it sounds like this is the case!

I don't think it's depression if not she wouldn't have so much energy and time so socialise. I think she might feel you are the one who has to do everything in the relationship. Have you thought to have couple therapy? If that does not work I would recommend you to separate. You'll be happier this way and she'll have to work plus look after the children on her time.

Try a week of getting up and going out. Leave a note saying you will be back at 9am. When you return see if the dc are at school.

Your dw does sound like a lazy bad parent tbh.

Sorry but this is shocking. I guarantee you this woman will get out of bed to take her children to
school if you stop doing it.

Don’t move to her country.

Make it clear to her tonight that you will not be getting up in the morning and she needs to
do it.

She is lazy, disrespectful, entitled and a dreadful role model.

Depression does not cause entitled behaviour

Op , you both need to have a serious conversation about your relationship and upcoming future.

How does she feels about your relationship?
Does she know you feel tired and sad and unhappy?

You need to talk and come to the conclusion what to do next.

If you’re not happy and you feel like the relationship isn’t working then you need to focus on trying to have as good a divorce as possible.

I agree. When women post about their deadbeat husbands it's all LTB.

Funny ay.

She sounds isolated and depressed but if she doesn't make the effort to learn the language and integrate better to make friends and help with the DC she'll feel worse. You need to sit down and talk and work through together calmly how you move forward as a family. Would she get counselling to help her? If she won't engage then you have your answer.

I think you could sit down n chat to her and tell her the severity of the situation. Be mindful of how you approach it tho. Sounds like she's just lazy and can't be bothered or she has other issues which also need to be addressed. You could suggest temporary separation if it's that bad to see if she steps up with the kids. Support her to learn the language. If she's not interested then that tells you a lot. I can imagine it's hard in another country but if you ask her what she needs then I see no reason why she won't learn. Hope it all goes well for you whatever you decide.

I think this is get your ducks in a row time, get organised to separate without telling her that’s what you are doing.

Go and see a solicitor without telling her and get advice on how to proceed. Then when you are ready I would suggest couples therapy so you can have an honest but moderated conversation and if you can’t resolve your differences then discuss how best to separate and try to do it amicably.

This relationship is not healthy for anyone especially the children

You are a native speaker.

Her problem can be a lack of acknowledgement from your side. Doing cooking and cleaning clothes are not small jobs, may be she can take more, but is not pushed to do so, because she finds no appreciation of what she does, or what she did before(carrying your kids, delivery, upbringing them in the early years, and losing a career path). And now she shows a cold shoulder. She hates being a mom and a partner. Maybe, she was not supposed to take the path of being a mom and being responsible for a family, she might wanted to live free.
Now coming to your side, Owning a business and taking care of your kids, i know, is very hard. You can write to her what you want from her, and pour your desires, post it to her. If she reads it, and doesn't take it seriously, you may leave her, it is better not to stay, because you can't change any person, and it is dangerous to change yourself for others.

Lazy, selfish and doesn't sound like she is there emotionally for the kids. If you can get out of the relationship unless you can talk things through with her. That things will change for the better. What I will say is maybe she feels neglected a little from you, as you seem to be constantly working. Therefore your also neglecting her as your wife (maybe)

@TiredLovingDad can you clarify something for me?

Your youngest dc has just started school right?
So before that, your dwife was looking after said child (and before that children) during the day. So much so that, as you said yourself, your dd was a ‘mummy’s girl’ until what? 6 months ago when she started school.

Is that the situation @TiredLovingDad ?

I really CBA EarringsandLipstick so yes to all of the above if it matters that much to you 😂

I'm afraid I have to agree that it doesn't sound like depression - I speak as one with experience of this. You wife has got you where she wants to and is taking advantage of your good nature. I would sit her down and gently go through the concerns you have raised in this forum. Tell her that the way you are living is unacceptable and that if she does not seek help and will not try to change ( 'try' being the keyword here ) then you may have to consider calling time on your relationship.
In the worse possible case scenario, if you were to separate I'm sure between you the children would be okay. She doesn't sound like a bad woman, just a lazy one and you have facilitated this in your effort to be a good husband and father.
Best of luck, you sound a very decent man.

I'm sorry to say it does sound like she just wants to be taken care of and really doesn't want to work or really be bothered to do much in the house at all.
Sounds like lazyitus to me.
If she's happy to jump up and spend all day out with her friends, shes not depressed, she's just miserable because she knows you need help but she can't be bothered and doesn't want to help.
I'd have a proper sit down,calm chat and tell her exactly how you feel and what you need her to do and tell her your thoughts on whether you want to stay in the relationship, that might buck her ideas up and if she still does nothing,you've got your answer,it will never change.
Good luck with what ever outcome you have.x

Did you talk it through properly before you decided to have a child, then again before the second?

You are where you are, but it sounds like she never really wanted kids in the first place. Are you much older than she is? I know a Mum at school who is a good 20 years younger than her husband and at a drinks one evening she basically went on a rant about how she had wasted her life because she had kids so young, and her husband had had years of freedom that she had missed out on. She was from a different country.

I’m not blaming you really, you sound great and like a fantastic Dad, and I think you should leave her as she is taking massive advantage. But maybe this is the root of it?

Your wife doesn’t sound depressed but more like lazy and selfish, she might come from a traditional patriarchal culture where men are supposed to provide and “be in charge” which gives her free pass from taking responsibility of her own life (don’t know which country she’s from so this is just a wildly assumption on my part). The way you describe the whole thing is she’s taking you for a sucker. She’s going to hate having to get a job and doing that commute if you separate so be prepared for an ugly battle. I would go see a lawyer and find where you stand legally in case of a divorce.

I'm sorry you are finding things so tough, you sound like a great Dad, I'm no Dr but you're wife sounds very lonely and depressed, I say this because she doesn't speak the language and it's easy to feel isolated even in a family. Do either of you have a social life or a sport you can both enjoy together? If not what about setting us time daily for a walk and a cuddle x