Seriously what is wrong with him?!

[KombuchaKalling]

My husband and l had twins coming up to a year ago. Twins as you can imagine are challenging and it’s been a busy time. We have argued lots as we are tired, tight for money and don’t agree with each other much these days. I find him so unreasonable and hard work. The Christmas argument was he didn’t want to share his back pay with the family, we both work for the NHS and we’re owed back pay. I got my back pay sooner and put it in the joint account. He has shared some of it with the joint bank account and things he’s super reasonable for doing this

Just after New Year we went for a catch up with friends. We were taking about birthdays and he starts talking about when it was Steve’s birthday. “It was just after the twins were born and Kombucha was so so so drunk!!”. Everyone looks blankly at him and say they don’t know what he’s talking out. I said l had been quite drunk at Steve’s birthday 2 years ago, before we had children and NOT in the care of them. I suggested he had confused the 2 birthdays, he’s barely convinced despite other people agreeing with me. I asked him about it on the way home, because to be honest l felt embarrassed and humiliated about how he had portrayed me whilst caring for our small children. He STILL won’t admit he was wrong, stating well you weren’t sober were you?! I had 2 or 3 glasses of wine in a 7 hour period, with lots of food. I was hardly rolling in the aisles

Last weeks thing was he did not like the way l had taken the Christmas tree down. What actually happened is we agreed to jointly take down the Christmas tree and decorations. I make a start, he then wanders off to his home office and decide he’s tidying that out instead. I finish taking down all of the decorations and box them
up. Im fuming as l am ill (he knows this), l have a job interview l need to prepare for a few days later (which he also knows) and it’s hard work. The whole thing takes way longer as there is only 1 person doing it and not 2. He again won’t accept any responsibility and fault, still claiming he wouldn’t have taken the Christmas down “like that”.

This weeks thing is l find it he has been lying to me about the cleaner. She does a terrible job of the stairs and for months l have been asking him to ask her to spend more time on them. I would ask her myself but she comes on a Monday and lm not around all day as l work on that day. He offers up various excuses: her English is poor so lm not sure she understood, she ran out of time etc etc. I come home yesterday and yet again they are a state. I see red and start discussing it with him. Turns out he’s never mentioned the stairs to her ever. “Doesnt want to upset or correct her” apparently. For clarity we pay her the going rate, she’s not someone doing it as a favour

What is wrong with him?! I can’t live like this, there seems to be a serious problem with honesty, respect and consideration for my feelings. There are a 101 other examples, these are just the most recent ones and my post is probably long enough already. I want out and l have told him this a number of times. Yet he can’t or won’t change. He seems to think lm the unreasonable one

When people are sleep deprived they rarely act consistently or even rationally. With twins, I’m guessing neither of you are brilliantly rested?

@Bowbobobo they’ve slept through for months

Has he only been like this since the birth or are you only now noticing it?

@ImCamembertTheBigCheese he never used to be like this no, it’s since the birth. One of my theories is he thinks he can do what he wants as we are married and have 2 small children now

I'm thinking he resents you because he's not the centre of attention anymore.

So you need to put the fear of God into him that he will lose you. But you need to be clear in your own mind that you’re prepared to end it if necessary.

In your shoes I would sit him down and talk calmly about what had happened, setting it out clearly, and why it must not happen again. I would tell him very clearly that I will not live like this and that I am considering my future. He needs to know that you can and will leave if he carries on like this.

I have literally done all of these things and nothing is shifting. I do it, then he either gets angry and / or cry’s. He makes a half hearted effort for hours and then it is back to how it was. Wilfully not doing what we’ve agreed, diminishing my feelings, gaslighting me etc. Night of my works Christmas night out he wouldn’t let me go to sleep, he had decided we were going to talk and sort things out. I told him this is coercive control and not acceptable, he tells me lm subjecting him to coercive control

That’s another one of his things: when l say he hurting my feelings, then he says lm hurting his feelings. If l say it’s financial abuse what he’s doing, then he says l financially abusing him 🙄

"He seems to think l'm the unreasonable one". I hate to break it to you @KombuchaKalling but I feel like you probably are!

"He's been lying to me" and "I can't live like this" because he won't tell the cleaner she's not cleaned the stairs to your standard?! Seriously?! Maybe he just doesn't want to offend her if he's the one who has to see her each week?? Why don't you ring / email her if it bothers you that much?! In my opinion it's usually the women who deal with stuff like that anyway as most men I know (including my DP) wouldn't have a clue if the hoovering had been done well or not!

The "getting drunk" story - maybe he just got his dates / events wrong?! Hardly a big deal that he thought you were drunk once when you weren't?!?!

I'm not even going into the Christmas decorations one. "I was ill" "The whole thing took a lot longer as there was only one person doing it" JFC.

As for the back pay, as long as mortgage, bills, children's costs are covered then surely he's allowed to spend the extra on what he wants?! Me and my DP have a joint account for all bills and essentials, a savings account for holidays or when the boiler / fridge / any other expensive appliance breaks, and then the rest of our salaries are our own for whatever we choose to buy ourselves?!

Honestly you sound massively high maintenance and quite controlling.

Can you think of better examples op, because the ones you’ve given sounds like you’re making mountains out of molehills. I could have 3 of the ‘disagreements’ like the ones you’ve listed within the same 10 minutes within my family, and they’d be non issues.

Cross posted, but this. He got his dates mixed up, you felt embarrassed for no real reason really, and your friends agreed that he was wrong. He didn’t help you take the Xmas tree down. If methods were an issue then why not do it his way instead of yours? And I can imagine he was too embarrassed to tell the cleaner you didn’t like how she did the stairs, it’s your problem, not anyone else’s. Why couldn’t you send her a quick text? You’ve blatantly copped out of that one and put it on your oh because you don’t want to do it either. I thought in the last bit you were going to say you’d finally pulled the cleaner and she said your oh hadn’t even mentioned it, but it was your oh you’d pulled and YOU’VE still not mentioned it to her 😂 you sound exhausting

@Caffeinedetox like l said there are a 101 examples. These are just recent ones. Re the cleaner then l normally take responsibility but a few years into it then he’s taken over -last cleaner moved back home so it seemed like a natural break for him to take over the new one. All domestic things aren’t my responsibility. I work slightly more than him and earn a similar amount. I always work a Monday and cleaner reckons she only has a free slot on Monday

So my money is our money and his money is his money? We had agreed our back pay was going into the joint account but once he gets his then he goes back on the deal. There isn’t any extra at the moment and l don’t get fun money so why should he?

Regardless of if anyone else thinks you're reasonable or unreasonable, if you genuinely can't live like that any longer, and you've told him, he's agreed to do things differently and he's not kept to that, then all you can do is tell him you want a divorce. Or put up with it. He's made it clear he's not going to change, so those are your options I'm afraid.

Ok so challenging financial abuse and coercive control are me being high maintenance and controlling. Sorry lm not a walk over 🤷‍♀️. Spoiler: being kept awake by your husband until 2am, when you then have to get up to feed your babies at 7am isn’t great

Take no notice of those posters, OP. They only come here to vent because their own lives are so miserable.

I agree. I have little stomach to debate it all so let’s call it quits. It’s him that’s pushing back on it. Then when l think it’s starting to accept it, he makes clear he will be centre stage in the new setup and be round my house all the time. Why would my ex husband be round all the time?! We would Co-parent but we would both have our own lives

@KombuchaKalling Re the cleaner, it may well be "his" responsibility but it's you who has said you're not happy with her! So why should he be the one to tell her?! Just text her FFS! Talk about making a mountain out of a molehill.

You say there are 101 examples, you have given us four which you see as bad but are really, really not. I dread to think what the other 97 examples are...

However, as @GrannyAchingsShepherdsHut has said, if you genuinely can't live like that any longer then you need to leave.

@Aylestone l have no issue with people getting their dates / stories mixed up, we all do it from time to time. It’s the refusing to accept he was wrong and continuing to go in on me that l object to

So lm clear then he can opt out of a task we agreed to do together, go do something that only benefits him. I push on with the task in hand and he gets to criticise the way l do it? Ok that sounds fair and reasonable.

Im not doing all domestic stuff. I do more than my share as it is

My relationship and life’s great, but even I find the op tedious and even a little abusive going by her op. She’s picking on her oh for absolutely everything, I can’t even really see exactly what he’s done wrong. They’ve just had a difference of opinions with things. I can see exactly why her oh got fed up one night and insisted they have a chat to sort things out, it seems like it all came to a head that night. But that’s completely unacceptable according to the op. What’s apparently acceptable to her though is her repeatedly telling him she’s going to leave him. Now THATS some head fucking stuff to put someone through. If he’s so horrible op then just leave him, rather than constantly picking on and berating him for existing, and telling him you’re going to leave him all the time

I’m glad you’re managing to get some sleep, that’s good news! Unfortunately it means there’s no simple solution here.

No way you should put up with abuse, control etc of course, but I would gently suggest taking a bit more time before making huge decisions? It’s just that when my DC were very small I know I was so stressed I couldn’t even decide whether to throw my old shoes out, let alone my DH!

Spoiler: I did in the end, when I was good and ready!

Good luck OP

@Caffeinedetox it’s half my house so l won’t be leaving. You sound like him -he tells me to leave. I also remind him it’s a joint asset, we can not afford to buy each other out so we need to sell it. The financial will be part of the divorce.

I think l have been reasonable under the circumstances: we don’t get on so let’s split up. Let’s have 50/50 custody and we take out financially what we brought into the marriage -that’s similar to 50/50 as well. Lots of people would think that was a fair deal

She didn’t say that at all. You’ve already made your mind up so I think people are better just leaving you to it. To be clear no one’s said ‘he gets to opt out of every task blah blah blah’. It’s a fucking Xmas tree. He didn’t help you with the Xmas tree. You’re hugely over reacting, twisting people’s words and using hyperbolic language to make non issues seem like massive ones. If you felt like crap and neither one of you felt like taking the tree down, then leave it for another day ffs

I meant split up. I didn't mean leave your house. You just sound very unhappy with him and I know - from experience in a past relationship - that these types of feelings don't tend to go away.

There’s no point in replying really, is there? These are such minor disagreements she’s absolutely frothing over, you just know that giving her a few examples of actual problems (even really small ones) will be met with ‘but it’s not a race to the bottom’!!!

‘And what is the reason for the divorce’?
’Well there’s HUNDREDS of them your honour. But I’d have to say the top 5 are he wouldn’t change his mind about what year I got drunk, he not only didn’t help me take the Xmas tree down, but complained about the way I did it, and he wouldn’t tell the cleaner I don’t like how she does the stairs’ 😂😂