Seriously what is wrong with him?!

[KombuchaKalling]

My husband and l had twins coming up to a year ago. Twins as you can imagine are challenging and it’s been a busy time. We have argued lots as we are tired, tight for money and don’t agree with each other much these days. I find him so unreasonable and hard work. The Christmas argument was he didn’t want to share his back pay with the family, we both work for the NHS and we’re owed back pay. I got my back pay sooner and put it in the joint account. He has shared some of it with the joint bank account and things he’s super reasonable for doing this

Just after New Year we went for a catch up with friends. We were taking about birthdays and he starts talking about when it was Steve’s birthday. “It was just after the twins were born and Kombucha was so so so drunk!!”. Everyone looks blankly at him and say they don’t know what he’s talking out. I said l had been quite drunk at Steve’s birthday 2 years ago, before we had children and NOT in the care of them. I suggested he had confused the 2 birthdays, he’s barely convinced despite other people agreeing with me. I asked him about it on the way home, because to be honest l felt embarrassed and humiliated about how he had portrayed me whilst caring for our small children. He STILL won’t admit he was wrong, stating well you weren’t sober were you?! I had 2 or 3 glasses of wine in a 7 hour period, with lots of food. I was hardly rolling in the aisles

Last weeks thing was he did not like the way l had taken the Christmas tree down. What actually happened is we agreed to jointly take down the Christmas tree and decorations. I make a start, he then wanders off to his home office and decide he’s tidying that out instead. I finish taking down all of the decorations and box them
up. Im fuming as l am ill (he knows this), l have a job interview l need to prepare for a few days later (which he also knows) and it’s hard work. The whole thing takes way longer as there is only 1 person doing it and not 2. He again won’t accept any responsibility and fault, still claiming he wouldn’t have taken the Christmas down “like that”.

This weeks thing is l find it he has been lying to me about the cleaner. She does a terrible job of the stairs and for months l have been asking him to ask her to spend more time on them. I would ask her myself but she comes on a Monday and lm not around all day as l work on that day. He offers up various excuses: her English is poor so lm not sure she understood, she ran out of time etc etc. I come home yesterday and yet again they are a state. I see red and start discussing it with him. Turns out he’s never mentioned the stairs to her ever. “Doesnt want to upset or correct her” apparently. For clarity we pay her the going rate, she’s not someone doing it as a favour

What is wrong with him?! I can’t live like this, there seems to be a serious problem with honesty, respect and consideration for my feelings. There are a 101 other examples, these are just the most recent ones and my post is probably long enough already. I want out and l have told him this a number of times. Yet he can’t or won’t change. He seems to think lm the unreasonable one

YADNBU

He’s abusive.

I wonder what his stunt will be, because this sounds like he’s not going to change.

He’s not working as a team, and he enjoys winding you up and upsetting you.

I don’t think he’s a good man or father - he really shouldn’t be upsetting you like this with two little ones to look after.

He’s affecting your mood, at what is a very hard time in your life, but also what should be a very special time in your life.

Keeping you up until 2am the night before your x-mas party and causing you sleep deprivation is definitely abusive.

Sorry but I think he resents you and he doesn’t like you.

He thinks because you’re married with DCs, you’re stuck with him now and he can keep getting away with shitty ongoing behaviour.

It is death by a thousand cuts.

@KombuchaKalling Oh my goodness!! I know exactly what you're going through!! I've now divorced my exh, but he was/is just like this. No amount of talking or trying to make him see my point of view or have a sensible conversation would work. He became more and more abusive, the more i started to see things clearly. He still gaslights me and tries to manipulate me and the kids but no one can actually see it because most of the time on paper hes not doing anything wrong! Huge hug ❤️ Such a shitty thing to have to live with and go through

Take your bonus out of the shared account
his response will help you decide if divorce is the next step
he sounds like an awful person

You really don't like him do you !

and you have already made up your mind re your future with him - as you have already got advice and you are even using the word ' dating ' in a reply.

But now you are not happy that this thread is not going your way.

These might all sound relatively minor but I imagine they all add up over time. I think that having the twins, he thinks he can make less effort because you're "trapped". Who says about their wife being so so so drunk at a birthday party two years ago? I notice that you talk about having 2-3 glasses of wine over a 7 hour period so I guess his definition of so so so drunk is similar to the views of a Methodist minister. He will not change and I'd think him pathetic for crying or shouting when you try to discuss things with him. I would be making plans to leave - maybe not now - but I would be absolutely working towards that as a goal. I'd be putting money aside and trying to get a job that would facilitate parenting on my own. Remember, in future, to keep that back pay in a separate account. But why are you paying any attention to his demand that you keep all your current backpay in the joint account while he spends his. Just withdraw your money - he does not get to have the final say and make you do something he wasn't prepared to do himself.

His behaviour is abusive.

Living with someone with this type of personality trait, will be like you having to push water uphill constantly.

It's very negative and very very wearing behaviour💐

This is the part I don't understand OP.. 'He said no'

Why have you 'suggested' taking your money out? He's flat out told you what he's now decided to do with his part of it, so the plan for it has now changed, so you need to take yours back out, is he physically stopping you from taking it? What's the problem?

I can see why people can't see past you painting him to be the villain here, as there does seem to be quite obvious solutions to some of the things you are blaming him for, you're jointly in control of what happens, so there's no need to blame him, just sort it out. For instance, and especially the cleaner incident, my DH would never feel comfortable 'confronting' someone who I don't think is doing a good enough job, but then he'd just tell me to talk to her if I thought it was so important, but I know him well enough that I wouldn't try to make him do something he isn't comfortable with regarding something he couldn't care less about.

You both sound deeply unhappy and you seem to be purposely making each other more miserable.

God, can all the far-more-abused-than-you peeps on this thread just feck off and leave the OP to discuss this with people who are more understanding? I totally get where you are coming from, OP, including the cleaner example. My DH does the same, you agree something with him, he makes out he's tackled it as agreed, you find out later he hasn't and he gives a string of spurious excuses. My DH would also probably pretend we had never agreed it in the first place.

Can't see why you've had such agro from people. It's clear that marriage means shared assets, so there is no 'his savings' to be squirreld away, it's all family money and the only reason to do that, especially if it's a new thing, is because he is planning to hide how much he has in divorce - which is ilegal and morraly wrong.
Forcing someone to stay awake till early hours is abusive if he's refused to talk beforehand- and talk, not shout.
The Xmas tree was being inconsiderate maybe ( I'd of gone to him at the time and made him help or not done it either). But with the criticism of how she put it away following it's looking more like he was releshing setting her up to fail too much - suspicious behaviour.
Might seem small stuff, but if you put it all together and live it daily with other stuff that makes you wonder, I can see why you'd get to a point where you've had enough.

Not sure why you're getting dumped on here OP. There are enough men on here pretending to be women and they show up on threads and be deliberately obtuse and antagonistic.

If you want to take that money out of the joint account then do it. I don't think you need his permission.

And yes it is pretty s*** to start a so-called conversation late at night and then argue and keep arguing till 2:00 a.m. when the other person has to get up early to go to work.

You are allowed to end a marriage for any reason you want to. It doesn't have to be a particular reason. You don't need his permission.

You are entitled to leave him if you are not happy and if you think it is best for you and your children. Despite the discussions here, you don't need to justify it if that's what you want to do.

Best of luck for the future. I hope things work out.

I am thinking that the 3 examples you gave are hardly worth arguing over or overthinking.. Couples have such arguments sometimes.

Can you purely trace it back to when your last baby was born, was he not like this after the first? It's like either he's pushing you because he wants a split (maybe an OW, also by causing a rift he's getting out of any sex attempts and avoiding it as his mind is elsewhere) Or he's just straight up an abusive gaslighter and thiks after 2 DC's thinks you won't have the strength to leave him.
Sounds like you do have the balls, and good for you. You've tried talking, he's not improved, so why not see how he likes separation?

I couldn't respect a crying, whining shirker. Let alone sleep with them or make a life with them. He sounds wimpy, boring and icky.

I'd start making plans in your shoes.

Take your share of the backpay and use it as your leaving fund. As someone who has a H who lies, bullshits, pretends to agree to stuff then "forgets" or shouts you down it is soul destroying and it will eventually break you. Start planning your escape, don't bother with marriage counselling as his contempt and your resentment seem too great. Use the counselling for co-parenting amicably instead. Good luck.

Yanbu I've no idea what the fuck happened with a load of the pp's on this then but they are unhinged.

He agrees things then changes his mind, it's one rule for him and another for you, he lies about something he's said he's done (talked to the cleaner) repeatedly and then admits it was just a lie. His money is his money and your money is shared. He misremembered something and then wouldn't believe it when everyone else told him he was wrong and continues to believe he is right.

He won't change, you will never be able to reason with him and you are banging your head against a brick wall trying.

You don't need his permission to divorce, just move into the spare room (if you have one) or set up a bed in the lounge on the sofa/kids room/dining room. Tell him and everyone else that you are separated but living together until the house can be sold and start divorce proceedings. The sooner you start the sooner you can be done with this awful situation.

@KombuchaKalling

So, you're unhappy and you want to end the marriage. That's fine. Anyone can end their marriage for any reason, or no reason at all. But it seems to me that you want to justify your decision by painting him as abusive. I'm not going to opine on whether he is or isn't. But the bottom line is he doesn't have to be for you to want out. All that is necessary is for him to act in ways that you don't want to live with. Not all behaviour that pisses us off is abuse. Some is just massively annoying and/or 'unfair'. And massively annoying and/or unfair is enough. More than enough.

As far as what the divorce may hold, who cares what he says about 'being around all the time'. Don't engage in stupid arguments about things that aren't going to happen. You know as well as I do that you will have control over who is admitted into your 'new' home. So let him blather on because you know you will be shutting the door with him on the outside of it. As the saying goes "The dog barks but the caravan passes on". My BFF never allowed her exH to cross her threshold. She said she wanted no memories of him in 'her space'. You can do the same.

As far as your current house, same thing. If you can't buy him out and he can't buy you out the house will most likely have to be sold and the proceeds divided. If you're thinking that you will be awarded the home without having to compensate him in some way, chances are that isn't going to happen. Unless he has a HUGE pension pot or some massive asset that you can sign off on in exchange for him signing off on the house.

Just see a solicitor and educate yourself on what divorce will mean to you. Then get your ducks in a row and tell him you want a divorce. Just remember that you cannot make him leave the marital home if he doesn't want to so you'll have to resign yourself to putting up with him for awhile longer, unless you want to leave yourself (speak to your attorney about the ramifications). But you can begin to live a separate life from him. Separate rooms, no 'domestic services', separate your monthly finances (joint assets will have to be decided in the divorce), and even a schedule as to who is the 'primary parent' on what days. And remember, this will be a marathon, not a sprint. And he doesn't have to make it easy for you if he doesn't want to. I remember BFF praying that her troublesome and nasty ExH would meet another woman and ride off into the sunset with her. Didn't happen. But what did happen is that she got divorced and in the end it was worth every minute of what she went through to get it.

In my opinion it's usually the women who deal with stuff like that anyway as most men I know (including my DP) wouldn't have a clue if the hoovering had been done well or not!

God, how bloody depressing to read people excusing this type of laziness. Why does having a penis prevent someone's eyes from functioning properly, in your opinion?

Agreed. It sounds miserable and the lying and disrespect for me would be intolerable. I also don't think having small children is an excuse for this behaviour because this is the time to pull together as a team and he's shown you he is doing the opposite of that: trying to humiliate you in front of friends, lying to your face about petty things (if the bar is so low imagine how much he'd be prepared to lie if it really mattered), gaslighting you, making commitments and not sticking to them, pushing more than 50% of the work hours/ house/ childcare burden onto you which indicates contempt for you and him not believing you have equal worth to him. I could not live like this either and it is a sign of very low standards and expectations if people believe these behaviours are ok. If he can't make an effort during the first few years of parenting which are always the hardest - aside from having twins!! - and is happy to push some of his share of the work onto you in this way and making you feel miserable then I would see a solicitor and explore your options for the divorce process. Why should anybody put up with this?

This

What @Prelapsarianhag said so eloquently. He's abusive and doesn't care in the least about you. And some of the obnoxious PPs on here take the cake--ffs, it's not a contest to see who's been abused the most. Any abuse is too much.

The examples given do seem quite minor issues. I always end up taking the tree down on my own and leave a note for the cleaner if I'm not going to be there. Not backing down on being wrong about the drunk story is annoying.

But only you can judge the health if your relationship.