Seriously what is wrong with him?!

[KombuchaKalling]

My husband and l had twins coming up to a year ago. Twins as you can imagine are challenging and it’s been a busy time. We have argued lots as we are tired, tight for money and don’t agree with each other much these days. I find him so unreasonable and hard work. The Christmas argument was he didn’t want to share his back pay with the family, we both work for the NHS and we’re owed back pay. I got my back pay sooner and put it in the joint account. He has shared some of it with the joint bank account and things he’s super reasonable for doing this

Just after New Year we went for a catch up with friends. We were taking about birthdays and he starts talking about when it was Steve’s birthday. “It was just after the twins were born and Kombucha was so so so drunk!!”. Everyone looks blankly at him and say they don’t know what he’s talking out. I said l had been quite drunk at Steve’s birthday 2 years ago, before we had children and NOT in the care of them. I suggested he had confused the 2 birthdays, he’s barely convinced despite other people agreeing with me. I asked him about it on the way home, because to be honest l felt embarrassed and humiliated about how he had portrayed me whilst caring for our small children. He STILL won’t admit he was wrong, stating well you weren’t sober were you?! I had 2 or 3 glasses of wine in a 7 hour period, with lots of food. I was hardly rolling in the aisles

Last weeks thing was he did not like the way l had taken the Christmas tree down. What actually happened is we agreed to jointly take down the Christmas tree and decorations. I make a start, he then wanders off to his home office and decide he’s tidying that out instead. I finish taking down all of the decorations and box them
up. Im fuming as l am ill (he knows this), l have a job interview l need to prepare for a few days later (which he also knows) and it’s hard work. The whole thing takes way longer as there is only 1 person doing it and not 2. He again won’t accept any responsibility and fault, still claiming he wouldn’t have taken the Christmas down “like that”.

This weeks thing is l find it he has been lying to me about the cleaner. She does a terrible job of the stairs and for months l have been asking him to ask her to spend more time on them. I would ask her myself but she comes on a Monday and lm not around all day as l work on that day. He offers up various excuses: her English is poor so lm not sure she understood, she ran out of time etc etc. I come home yesterday and yet again they are a state. I see red and start discussing it with him. Turns out he’s never mentioned the stairs to her ever. “Doesnt want to upset or correct her” apparently. For clarity we pay her the going rate, she’s not someone doing it as a favour

What is wrong with him?! I can’t live like this, there seems to be a serious problem with honesty, respect and consideration for my feelings. There are a 101 other examples, these are just the most recent ones and my post is probably long enough already. I want out and l have told him this a number of times. Yet he can’t or won’t change. He seems to think lm the unreasonable one

That's not the point. The point is that this one situation, which you're holding onto for dear life because you really want to make him out to be evil, is not what abuse is about!

Abuse is not having an argument that got so heated that things escalated and ended up in a shouting match. Is that how a couple should communicate? No.
But does it happen now and then, especially with the stress of having young twins? Yes. It doesn't make either of you evil or abusive.
Could he benefit from learning better communication skills? Yes, but so could you.
I've also had arguments with my husband that lasted well into the night. That wasn't our finest moments, but you don't see me calling him abusive.

Also, the difference of opinion about money is not financial abuse. It's that, a difference of opinion.

You need to learn about boundaries.
A boundary is not: 'I will force you to behave this way'
A boundary is: 'If you behave this way, then this will be my appropriate reaction'
So: he spends his money on himself? Okay, so you spend your money on yourself.
Not good enough? Okay, then don't be in a relationship with someone who has different financial values than you.

OP, there are some seriously strange responses on this thread. If mine mucked around like that, I’d be done. Shouting at you when you need sleep - no. Going back on an agreement on where to place money - no. Going on about me being drunk - no.

The cleaner issue - less of a problem, I think, but I wouldn’t tolerate the others.

@Hbosh like l said l suggested l withdraw my back pay and spend as l see fit. If he can change his mind then so can l logically. He said no to that

A row between two people, both going at it, is not abusive.

One person insisting on keeping the other one out of bed by turning lights on and shouting at them - abusive, in my book.

Great post 👍🏻

So my money is our money and his money is his money? We had agreed our back pay was going into the joint account but once he gets his then he goes back on the deal. There isn’t any extra at the moment and l don’t get fun money so why should he?

easy fix. You pay proportionally into a joint account for household/family expenses. Each of you has your own account. Can you take out some of your back pay to start your account with?

If you really can't stand to be around him, you need an exit strategy. And if you think there are things you both can do to make the relationship work, get your exit strategy sorted, and work on the marriage. And then after 6 months have a review and either go or stay. but mean it if you say you're going

@KombuchaKalling

I think it's about the right time for both of you to start building your own savings. With a view to separation/divorce.

I wasn't insisting on joint account at all when I was being financially abused. Quite the opposite - I was squirrelling away the child benefit (the only money I had) to escape the relationship. The credit card I had for the joint account was monitored for all spending which I was then questioned about, so I hated using it, it was just another way to control me. I had to go to a refuge to get away. I hope it helps to get in touch with the reality OP.

This is the way l see it. The transcript of it would be something like:

HIM We aren’t going to sleep until this is sorted

ME I’m really tired. Please can we turn the light off and go to sleep

HIM No! I want to sort it out now

ME Won’t we think better in the morning? l also don’t want to wake the children

HIM No

ME Can l go to sleep? Can you stop shouting

It’s not a race to the bottom

When did l insist on a joint account?

@QueenCamilla l think l preferred the obnoxious posts from other people. Rather than your condescending posts

I genuinely though this was AIBU from the twatty replies.

OP isn’t happy, her DH is an arse, it’s not going to improve, she’s offered him a fair deal on divorce. All seems reasonable.

there are really twatty replies. Even if it was one time, not letting OP sleep is abusive. It's not a pattern of abuse, unless he does it a lot but it is still abusive.

Insisting he's right even when it is clear he's wrong? Twatty at best.
Not doing agreed actions? super twatty (especially the back pay - OP from reading more of your posts you have your own accounts? just take back what you put in over and above what he put in)
Saying he'd be over at her new place all the time if they split up? abusive if he really did it.

so, OP, is there anything he does that makes you think "oh yes, i should stay"?

The back pay thing would do it for me, aside from everything else. Why on earth does he think there should be one rule for your back pay and one for his This seems to be a common theme on MN, that husbands dont expect to contribute equally to the family. Seems to get worse when they perceive their partners are trapped after having kids. The other examples seem to be part of a pattern of him not respecting his commitments when you discuss how to do things. Unless he puts in some serious work (marriage therapy) I cant see how this will resolve.

PS. OP - do you think he is saving up so he can leave with money in his pocket?

I agree that keeping you awake is abuse! I have had it done to me and it's torture.

Also, him keeping his money for him alone could be too but you say it was used for Xmas so I am a bit unsure on that.

You've got the Manchild there.

They want children, and then when they GET children, they realise they won't be the centre of attention anymore, and throw a strop.

Needs a Manpon, the mardy git.

@KombuchaKalling

Stop using real-life suffering of other people as an emotive word-play to elevate your own importance. I'm not patronising you - I'm just telling you what it's like to be on the receiving end of abuse. Maybe it will have some impact on your rhetoric and thus help you to communicate without offending and escalating.

He sounds like a twat to me. Is he hoping to push you out?

Should he not do so?
It's usually one of the "getting ducks in a row" bullet points when separation is mentioned on Mumsnet.
Are the bullet points for men different?

Well he can

But in that case, he needs to accept that the OP can do that too and it’s ok for her to take back some the payback money.
Which he doesn’t… surprising? Not so much…. That’s a man who wants things his way and his way only.

The OP said the conversation that took place in the middle of the night (from her POV anyway) went like this:

HIM We aren’t going to sleep until this is sorted

ME I’m really tired. Please can we turn the light off and go to sleep

HIM No! I want to sort it out now

ME Won’t we think better in the morning? l also don’t want to wake the children

HIM No

THIS. IS. NOT. ABUSE. Please, please, educate yourselves as to what abuse is. Also, I don't believe for a second (judging by the OP and subsequent posts) that the OP actually said "Won't we think better in the morning". It sounds like she has flipped this completely to suit her own narrative. More like they were both arguing and when she decided she'd had enough, and he hadn't, she decided to claim it was abuse and "coercive control".

... And OP is not accepting of him taking part of his own earnings. So there's also a woman who wants things her way only.

I don't even know what OP wants- a stick to beat her husband with or advice for divorce. The latter I can understand.

@KombuchaKalling yes he is behaving like a twat.

He can’t acknowledge he has made a mistake even when a group of people tell him his recollection is wrong. Not good.

He doesn’t see you. Your needs just don’t matter to him - from deciding it’s ok to keep you awake to leave you to do something else because felt like this. Your needs or any agreement he has with you just doesn’t matter. It’s all about what he wants when he wants.

As for saying that things will change but nothing does despite making it clear that’s a deal breaker for you…. Well either he simply doesn’t believe you’ll follow through (twins in tow) or he can’t be bothered.
You need to look at what he does rather than what he says. And what he doesn’t says he doesn’t care. He doesn’t enough about you or the marriage to make that effort.

im afraid it then takes you to
Are you going to follow through on your threats to leave if he isn’t making any effort?

Because if you dint, know that he’ll simply carry on. You’ve just shown him the word you said don’t hold any value iyswim

You both sound hard work and in a dysfunctional relationship. Stop arguing with strangers and just leave him. Job done.

@QueenCamilla there is an order to events though.

She put ALL her backpay into the joint account. Because she saw it as a wage (which it is - it’s not a bonus that is something in the top of your normal wage). HE was very happy with that and therefore tacitly AGREED TO treat that money as a wage.

He received his money and put only some of it in the joint account, claiming he was a great person to even put some in it. He broke the agreement. Are you surprised she was against it? He agreed to it in the first place no?

Then the OP said she would keep some it too and HE disagreed, clearly showing it is one rude for her and one rule for him.

Thats not about being stuck in your ways and wanting stuff your way and not his/hers. It’s him wanting his cake and eat it. After-all, he just had to start a discussion about how that money would be spent either when the OP received her backpay or when he received his. He didn’t.