Seriously what is wrong with him?!

[KombuchaKalling]

My husband and l had twins coming up to a year ago. Twins as you can imagine are challenging and it’s been a busy time. We have argued lots as we are tired, tight for money and don’t agree with each other much these days. I find him so unreasonable and hard work. The Christmas argument was he didn’t want to share his back pay with the family, we both work for the NHS and we’re owed back pay. I got my back pay sooner and put it in the joint account. He has shared some of it with the joint bank account and things he’s super reasonable for doing this

Just after New Year we went for a catch up with friends. We were taking about birthdays and he starts talking about when it was Steve’s birthday. “It was just after the twins were born and Kombucha was so so so drunk!!”. Everyone looks blankly at him and say they don’t know what he’s talking out. I said l had been quite drunk at Steve’s birthday 2 years ago, before we had children and NOT in the care of them. I suggested he had confused the 2 birthdays, he’s barely convinced despite other people agreeing with me. I asked him about it on the way home, because to be honest l felt embarrassed and humiliated about how he had portrayed me whilst caring for our small children. He STILL won’t admit he was wrong, stating well you weren’t sober were you?! I had 2 or 3 glasses of wine in a 7 hour period, with lots of food. I was hardly rolling in the aisles

Last weeks thing was he did not like the way l had taken the Christmas tree down. What actually happened is we agreed to jointly take down the Christmas tree and decorations. I make a start, he then wanders off to his home office and decide he’s tidying that out instead. I finish taking down all of the decorations and box them
up. Im fuming as l am ill (he knows this), l have a job interview l need to prepare for a few days later (which he also knows) and it’s hard work. The whole thing takes way longer as there is only 1 person doing it and not 2. He again won’t accept any responsibility and fault, still claiming he wouldn’t have taken the Christmas down “like that”.

This weeks thing is l find it he has been lying to me about the cleaner. She does a terrible job of the stairs and for months l have been asking him to ask her to spend more time on them. I would ask her myself but she comes on a Monday and lm not around all day as l work on that day. He offers up various excuses: her English is poor so lm not sure she understood, she ran out of time etc etc. I come home yesterday and yet again they are a state. I see red and start discussing it with him. Turns out he’s never mentioned the stairs to her ever. “Doesnt want to upset or correct her” apparently. For clarity we pay her the going rate, she’s not someone doing it as a favour

What is wrong with him?! I can’t live like this, there seems to be a serious problem with honesty, respect and consideration for my feelings. There are a 101 other examples, these are just the most recent ones and my post is probably long enough already. I want out and l have told him this a number of times. Yet he can’t or won’t change. He seems to think lm the unreasonable one

Ditto what @Ihatethenewlook says. How are we venting?! We're literally replying to someone who has asked for opinions!!!

A “chat” that goes on for 2.5 hours from 11.30pm to 2pm, lm begging him to turn the light off and let me go to sleep. But he just won’t, he wants to shout at me and be right. We talk about our issues lots but there are no changes and l doubt a conversation in the early hours would be that fruitful. Then l have to get up 5 hours later?

I have got legal advice, l have a rough idea of what my position is. It’s more of a head fuck that he agrees to change (doesn’t) but then expects a different response from me

Possibly. I’m run ragged with 2 young children and we both work so there’s isn’t much spare time

Sorry meant 1130pm to 200am

@KombuchaKalling massive squishes. Does sound like marriage and children have made him feel he can now sit back and do as he pleases.

youve tried communicating and improving things and he gives empty promises each time.

You deserve a better life. Ducks in a row and crack on. Good luck.

I absolutely hate the way abuse is thrown around like confetti these days (coercive control really?!). "I'm begging him to turn out the lights" he's not torturing you stop being so dramatic. "He always had to be right" but by the sounds of it so do you.

He hasn't told the cleaner I think she's doing a shit job, why should he when it's you with the problem!

Don’t you think this is a little bit ‘pot and kettle’ though op. If my oh and I had had the mixed up dates argument it would have gone something like ‘no it wasn’t, it was before that as I had the babies’. ‘No, I’m sure it was when we had the babies, you’re wrong’. ‘No it’s definitely you that’s wrong and everyone agrees with me so stop talking out of your arse’. And then I’d probably never even think of it again. Except your complaint is even after he wouldn’t agree with you. You actually dragged this argument out on and on to the point where 3 weeks later you’re now arguing with strangers on the internet about it. It’s a fucking non issue that you’ve completely catastrophised op

THIS.

He wants to keep me awake even though lm tired and have a busy day the next day? He wants his money to be his money and my money to be our money? Is that pleasant and supportive behaviour then. Cool. Better make sure my bar is low enough then ready for when l eventually go dating agsin

Sounds like you have come to the end of the road op - you have talked, but he won’t change, so you need to call it a day if you can’t live with it. Sad, given you have kids, but these things happen. Hopefully when the dust settles, you will be happier people and able to co-parent well.

Coercive control and financial abuse are VERY serious crimes. You should call the police OP.

Or stop talking complete nonsense.

I think these littler things are the straw that broke the camel's back, aren't they? They may not sound like much, but all the little things over time become big things. Sounds like this marriage has reached the end of the road for you.

Oh, and when you have your own place, you don't have to let him in at all. 😉

Sorry everyone is piling on you op, I'm not sure why? You just sound like you're at the end of your tether and what may seem like minor things to outsiders, if you're in a shitty relationship to you it's just another thing to wear you down. I get it.
Just leave him. No point even making a thread on here moaning about him, this will make you feel worse with the pile on.
If he is shouting/talking AT at you with the light on for hours while you're trying to sleep I would say that's pretty abusive behaviour to be honest !

So did he keep all of his back pay and not put a penny towards the household / family?? Because the way you've worded it, is that you voluntarily put all your back pay into the joint account and he put some in and kept the rest for himself. Calling it "financial abuse" is very serious and would imply that he gives you absolutely nothing, controls everything you spend and doesn't allow you access to your own money. But I don't think that's the case is it OP....?

@Caffeinedetox Ooh you're really gunning for op on this one, bad day ?
Maybe op could've worded things better but she sounds like a stressed out busy mum of twins with a bit of a twatty husband who thinks he's right all the time. So let's not pick apart every word she's typed here

I agree with PP. These are minor issues, certainly not worthy of being called abuse.

You're obviously very unhappy with him and very likely don't love him anymore. It very much seems that mouldering resentment is your issue, not Christmas decorations.

I’m copying and posting this from a previous reply as lm getting bored of repeating myself:

“We had agreed our back pay was going into the joint account but once he gets his then he goes back on the deal.”

Typically we discuss stuff and agree a plan. I followed the plan and transferred all of mine to the joint account but then when he gets his money he magically has a change of heart. I even say ok if we are changing the plan, then l will take back my back pay so that’s fair. He’s unhappy and doesn’t want to do this either. Won’t give an explanation more than he wants to build up his savings 🤷‍♀️. Combine this with me being on maternity and putting all my maternity pay in the joint account, l then find out he’s not putting all of his pay in the joint account though. Again we had discussed this and l thought we were on the same page but he just takes the money for himself. Some might see why lm talking financial abuse….

It's not "forcing you to stay up all night"
It's an argument/ a fight

It's not "coercive control"
It's two people having strong opinions and not backing down, being stubborn

It's not "financial abuse"
It's your husband changing his mind for some reason on how to spend his money

I strongly disagree with the way you're painting your husband to be the villain of this story. He has his faults, he may even be stubborn or unreasonable. But you're no picknick either. And your conflict resolution skills AS PARTNERS are seriously lacking on both ends. Once you stop trying to be the victim and see this as a prolblem in the dynamic and communication between you both, which you AS PARTNERS need to address, maybe you'll start making progress.

At last a post not picking apart everything l write. While saying don’t challenge your husband, you need to run the house and why shouldn’t he get to spend his money on himself (while l spend it on everyone else!)

@headsamesss

I think upon reflection you'd find that there are two a "little bit twatty" individuals here - OP and her husband.
It's not "badly worded" to accuse someone of serious crime. It's also highly offensive to someone like me who has been on the receiving end of controlling abuse.

OP, I fully support you leaving your husband who grates your frazzled nerves. Some people just can't co-habit. With anyone. Hopefully you can co-parent.

Ok. Does someone shouting and refusing to turn the light off help you to sleep?
Can l have an explanation about why l can’t spend my back pay on me?

There is another thread running at the moment called something like - AIBU to divorce him because he bought the wrong cookies?

The issue is often a death by thousand cuts and just being worn down by the drip drip drip. Some posters understand that straight away and others cannot see past the - but it is just cookies???

The trouble is, that for the readers here on mn, we only see what you tell us. If you had framed it differently, you may have received loads of support. Because of the way you have written it, people are giving him the benefit of the doubt.

I have no idea if this is a death by a thousand cuts situation or not, but the thing that I see in your posts is that neither of you like each other very much any more.
To be honest, I think this is not uncommon with 2 toddlers in the house. Life has worn you down and taken all the joy out so that there isn't much else left.
You now have to sit back and take time to make a choice.

Do you want to rekindle what you had, do you think there is something there to save, in which case you both need to get along to some marriage counselling and start communicating again, because at the moment you are neither of you doing that. Are you angry with him because it really is over, or because he was great and now it is all a bit crap? Would your best result be that he went back to being how he was before (was he good before?) or are you not interested?
I agree with the talking until 2 am and the money, both not right, but is this something that he has history for, or is it an odd new thing, maybe his way of lashing out.

Or do you genuinely think that this is over tand there is nothing left to save?

Only you can make that choice. If it is over, then have an adult conversation and put some dates and times in, and work out what you want to do about custody etc.

Just withdraw your money from the joint account then!!! It is STILL NOT FINANCIAL ABUSE!!!!

Op I don’t really understand why people are being argumentative. I have an autistic child who thinks it’s ok to wake me up at midnight by turning the light on and then thinks it’s ok to have an argument / demand time on her phone and it’s like torture but I accept that for her it’s very important she talk to me and she can’t help it. If it were a neurotypical adult doing that I’d chuck him out!

Did he actually give a reason why he can have savings while your money goes into the family pot?

op I would probably attempt counselling with him (or maybe on your own) just so you know you’ve done everything to save the marriage and then leave.

Don’t bother arguing with people who don’t have the emotional maturity to change their minds. The op could turn mother Teresa into Genghis Kahn with the way she words things 😂