My husband says I'm being unrealistic and unreasonable for wanting him to help out with household bills.

[Meltdownmum]

Hi,
I'm just looking for some advice, I think my marriage is over. My husband works full time. Monday to Friday.
I work full time nights shifts. I get my boss to space my shifts out as I don't get to sleep when I get home after work. We have 4 children, our youngest child is 6 with special needs and is currently not attending school due to extreme anxiety and aggression.

So I homeschool.
My problem is, my husband works full time and earns more than I do, but he does not contribute towards buying food or anything for the children. He says his wages cover his bills which most of the time they don't.
He is a gambler, and over the last few years this has gotten worse. I can't take it anymore. He didn't help me or contribute towards Christmas for the children, and hasn't done for the last few years.
We have had the same argument for about 5 years, he says all the right things but never changes.
He thinks nothing of spending money to gamble but then huffs when I ask him to get bread and milk. I have told him several times that he has to help out, and he just shrugs it off. I really can't cope with him anymore, he tells so many lies and I can't rely on him at all.
I have told him that I expect him to contribute to buying food and electric as we have a top up metre but he helps for a day or two and then back to his normal ways.
I feel so ill with worry and heartbroken as he always let's me down. 3 of my children are teenagers and they see what is going on, to the point of where my daughter asks me why I let him treat me like that. I couldn't answer her because I don't know. I don't live him anymore. His gambling is a massive problem but he won't admit to gambling at all.
I just wanted to vent a bit but also to hear what anyone thought as i dont think im asking him to do anything he shouldn't be doing. Im not asking or expecting him to keep me, i just want him to contribute towards his children and our house.. I think I have taken enough over the years.
Thanks

Of course you are not being unreasonable to expect him to contribute to support himself and his family! What are his bills that he has to pay? Does he actually pay nothing towards the house and family in any way? that is utterly shocking! And he contributed nothing to his children’s Christmas gifts. I can see why you are at your wits end….

so sorry you are in this situation

Just kick him out

How do you work nights and homeschool - you must be shattered!?
He'd rather gamble than keep his own family warm and fed. If he's ignored your previous ultimatums, what more can you do to make him acknowledge the problem gambling apart from ask him to leave? Other OPs may be able to post links where you can check benefits you may be entitled to without him around.

That was the gut reaction. He's a scumbag we can debunk everything else. You're going to run yourself into the ground and your kids need you. Who's name is the house in ect ? He's not a partner He's a cunt.

If he isn't prepared to change the only thing you can do is change your response!

In this situation from my perspective the best thing would be for a plan to separate. Have you considered this and what would be the barriers?

Have you started to look at finances etc?

Jeez... it never fails to amaze me what people put up with. You have 4 kids together? Kick this utter loser out! What does he contribute to your life?

If he'll leave, let him, and get yourself to a solicitor ASAP to start the divorce. Don't wait another day.

Get rid of this millstone round your neck.

I'd call him a c* but they can be useful.

Your teens are seeing this now stink of them in your position in 15 years time. If that hurts your heart kick the man out today because you are modeling to your kids that his behaviour is okay. You are likely going to have to change the whole of your life around but I promise it will be better then this.

Have you ever considered starting divorce proceedings?. This is what you should do; life with a gambler never works out at all well. If you continue to stay with this man (for what are really your own reasons) he will continue to drag you and your kids down with him. They have heard and seen more than enough already.

You are the proverbial boiling frog. Simmering in this toxic relationship so long that you can’t see that he is killing you.

evey line in your post is so bad that it’s hard to understand how you don’t see that this situation can’t continue.

For goodness sake why are you enabling this man?

He has to go, he doesn't love you or his kids.

I also don't think its sustainable to home school when you're working nights....

He doesn't pay for food, he doesn't get any food. Put a lock on the fridge and don't cook for him.

It hardly sounds like a marriage or a family. You would probably be better off if you filed for divorce and CMS.

OP what is the financial set up in your relationship? For example is there an agreement that he pays for mortgage, wifi, water bill etc and you pay for the food shopping, gas & electric? Have you got that kind of set up whereby you both pay a similar amount just towards different bills? Do you have an agreement that you both pay those bills and whatever money you each have left is your own money to spend however you like for example? That info is relevant really

Are all of the children shared children or just the youngest?

This!

He's an addict and is beyond any help that you can provide. He doesn't even seem to want to care.

Keep seperate bank accounts. If you currently have joint account open some new ones. Inform the bank so they are aware of any potential fraud he may try. Addicts have no filters and no limits.

He only pays his bills which are his half of the rent, his car, his car insurance and that's really all he pays.
My name is on the tenancy agreement. To be honest, I've never agreed to let him be on a tenancy agreement with the thought that we would separate. Things haven't been working out for years, and I ask myself why I haven't thrown him out everyday.
In some weird way of thinking, I suppose i thought that we should stay together for the the kids but we don't have any kind of relationship at all.
I was always a strong person and I'm certainly cheeky enough but I don't know why I have allowed this to go on for so long. I have been down and really feeling myself this last couple of years but I thought I just got on with it and made sure the kids had everything they need. And just put it down to he was a selfish man.
The gambling and lies have got a lot worse, he knows what to say though I think he uses the fact that with my son's additional needs amd behaviour then if he isn't living in the house then I can't work as no one else can look after the kids.

The best thing you've ever done is to put the tenancy only in your name.

Kick him out. Call the police if he refuses.

You're not being unreasonable at all. He is the unreasonable one if he's spending all his money on gambling. Are other bills split fairly? Don't beat yourself up over not leaving yet, or letting him treat you like this, you sound worn out and splitting is hard work. You'll do it in your own time.

Oh, I do feel for you. You must feel so trapped.

Wishing you strength and clarity

I would LTB. He is neither use nor ornament. Free yourself 💐

You must be absolutely exhausted op. Does he contribute to the childcare, housework and schooling at all?

If he was forced to leave, not only would he have to support himself, he'd have to contribute to the children, and have visitation arrangements whilst you caught up on some essential rest. Although I wouldn't guarantee he would meet any of those requirements as he sounds like a selfish ahole.

I'm afraid I'd get very petty and stop him eating the food or using the hot water and electricity. Sponging git.

In some weird way of thinking, I suppose i thought that we should stay together for the the kids but we don't have any kind of relationship at all.

Staying in this relationship is in no way benefiting your children, I promise.

They are being taught that this is what a normal relationship looks like.

That it's ok for women to do everything for everyone else and for men to do what they want to and nothing else, for anyone else.

That women should do as they are told but men don't have to.

All of this is so damaging to them. To leave would be best for them. By a long way.

re your comments:

"My name is on the tenancy agreement. To be honest, I've never agreed to let him be on a tenancy agreement with the thought that we would separate. Things haven't been working out for years, and I ask myself why I haven't thrown him out everyday".

Indeed you need to ask yourself that question, not necessarily now but some time after you and he have completely parted ways.

"In some weird way of thinking, I suppose i thought that we should stay together for the the kids but we don't have any kind of relationship at all".

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?.

Staying for the sake of the children never works out at all well and in your case its been the wrong decision. At least the tenancy is in your sole name so that makes it somewhat easier re kicking him out. I would also urge you to seek legal advice re divorcing him.

You may have to have a serious look at childcare as it gets even more complicated with additional needs thrown in and school refusal but there are things in place for people who've worked for years and find themself in hard circumstances !