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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My husband says I'm being unrealistic and unreasonable for wanting him to help out with household bills.

116 replies

Meltdownmum · 15/01/2024 13:22

Hi,
I'm just looking for some advice, I think my marriage is over. My husband works full time. Monday to Friday.
I work full time nights shifts. I get my boss to space my shifts out as I don't get to sleep when I get home after work. We have 4 children, our youngest child is 6 with special needs and is currently not attending school due to extreme anxiety and aggression.

So I homeschool.
My problem is, my husband works full time and earns more than I do, but he does not contribute towards buying food or anything for the children. He says his wages cover his bills which most of the time they don't.
He is a gambler, and over the last few years this has gotten worse. I can't take it anymore. He didn't help me or contribute towards Christmas for the children, and hasn't done for the last few years.
We have had the same argument for about 5 years, he says all the right things but never changes.
He thinks nothing of spending money to gamble but then huffs when I ask him to get bread and milk. I have told him several times that he has to help out, and he just shrugs it off. I really can't cope with him anymore, he tells so many lies and I can't rely on him at all.
I have told him that I expect him to contribute to buying food and electric as we have a top up metre but he helps for a day or two and then back to his normal ways.
I feel so ill with worry and heartbroken as he always let's me down. 3 of my children are teenagers and they see what is going on, to the point of where my daughter asks me why I let him treat me like that. I couldn't answer her because I don't know. I don't live him anymore. His gambling is a massive problem but he won't admit to gambling at all.
I just wanted to vent a bit but also to hear what anyone thought as i dont think im asking him to do anything he shouldn't be doing. Im not asking or expecting him to keep me, i just want him to contribute towards his children and our house.. I think I have taken enough over the years.
Thanks

OP posts:
Noseybookworm · 15/01/2024 17:10

I think you know that this situation cannot continue. It is extremely stressful and damaging for you and your children OP. If you ask him to leave, will you be able to cover rent and bills? If not you need to speak to housing services at your local council. If he is a gambler it's unlikely that he will contribute to finances with regard to the children in the future. I'd also look into education outside the home for your youngest as it's not sustainable to homeschool while you are earning a living for your family. I know it seems like a scary leap into the unknown but in the long run, it sounds like it would be better if you told your partner to leave.

user1471538283 · 15/01/2024 17:12

I was with a gambler and I can assure you that nothing and no one was an important to him as gambling. Had he stayed he would have ruined me completely instead of just breaking my health and leaving me in dire straits.

He was really quite cheery when he left after bleeding me dry. Then when his money and friends ran out he fully expected to come back.

Get him out now.

BeauSignoles · 15/01/2024 17:20

“He'd rather gamble than keep his own family warm and fed.”

that about sums it up. And now your kids see it too, how heartbreaking.

Universalsnail · 15/01/2024 17:22

"He is a gambler"

That's all I needed to know. End this relationship right now. You should have left as soon as you found out about the gambling. Protect yourself. This has the potential to be a lot worse for you financially then simply him refusing to pay his share.

3luckystars · 15/01/2024 17:23

I’m so sorry and am so glad you posted too. All the very best to you x

FlyingWithoutAPlane · 15/01/2024 17:25

Of course you leave him, well tell him to move out. You’ll get more money out of him once divorced. Protect your children, you are teaching them how to suffer in a relationship and do you want them to be treated the same as that’s what they believe should happen to them?

brainworms · 15/01/2024 17:27

VitoCorleoneOfMNMafia · 15/01/2024 16:27

@brainworms Where did you find that? It's amazing.

Haha it's ace isn't it? I found it on twitter/x a while ago, but can't find the actual source artist.

Pumpkinpie1 · 15/01/2024 17:27

OP it sounds as if your 3 older kids and parents will help you loads if you find the strength to ask them.
I think your life would be MUCH happier and less stressful without this Manchild clogging up your home and settee .

Devilsmommy · 15/01/2024 17:30

Yeah I'd be getting rid sharpish. Complaining about buying bread and milk whilst throwing money away gambling is just too disrespectful. You'll probably be alot happier to be rid of the burden he so obviously is

SayNoToDoorToDoor · 15/01/2024 17:32

You would be better off on your own with the kids. 25% reduction in council tax, reduction in food bill and utilities with him not being there and an increase in your household income from the child maintenance he’ll pay.

That’s just looking at the finances logically.

What are you getting from this man? He seems a burden rather than a partner.

dlago · 15/01/2024 17:38

Tell him to leave today.
And work on your self esteem to work out why you let him stay in your life so long.

Spomsored · 15/01/2024 17:43

Financially - he's costing you money.
Emotionally. - he's not supportive and actually makes you doubt your decisions.
Health wise - he's wearing you down and showing a rubbish example to your children.

Don't worry how you will manage without him because you will have more money, energy and joy without him. Gambling is an addiction that destroys families. It won't immediately be easy on your own but with your determination and support from your family you will find a way through.

underneaththeash · 15/01/2024 17:54

It sounds as if he's not not contributing to family life.

But it sounds as if you don't have a normal family life anyway if you're working nights and your daughter is homeschooled.

Orangello · 15/01/2024 17:56

He is totally unreasonable of course, but I really want to know how his mind works.
He pays his personal costs. You pay your personal and the entire family's. And he thinks all those are totally reasonably only yours to pay because...?

WeveGotThis · 15/01/2024 18:00

I'm so sorry. You've got such a tough life right now and it's so hard to leave. He's all you've known for so long.

He's a millstone. He is holding you back and contributing nothing. You are worth so much more than that and you know very well that you are completely capable on your own. You have to leave.

I would advise talking to a solicitor and perhaps single friends who have been in similar positions. The solicitor might help you feel more confident in your legal position and your friends will show you that you can do it and life is better on the other side.

Good luck.

caringcarer · 15/01/2024 18:08

OP this is said kindly, when your own DC can see how bad her Dad it must be glaringly obvious to all but you. It is not normal for a man not to contribute to their DC Xmas or share the load of paying bills and buying food for the family. Get your ducks in a row. I mean by that photocopy his pension statements and yours, also all bank and saving statements, a pay slip of his if you can access it and go to see a solicitor. I'd not tell him at this point. Wait and see what the solicitor says you should get. You can apply to CMS and they will make him pay a percentage of his salary to you for the DC unless he wants shared care of them which sounds unlikely. You will probably get a UC top up and the CMS spend up better off financially that you are ATM. You'd also have your child benefit. If you got UC you'd get help with rent too. You need to LTB.

Princessfluffy · 15/01/2024 18:13

Ask him if he thinks that it is fair that he earns more than you but you pay for his utility bills, council tax and food plus food clothes and activities for his four kids.

See what he has to say about it.

There is no mutual respect in this relationship OP and without that, in my opinion, there is nothing to stay for.

CandyLeBonBon · 15/01/2024 18:17

Are you married op? (I know you used 'husband' but just checking that's actually the case?

I'm sorry it sounds dreadful but how on earth can you hope educate and work nights full time? That's really not sustainable or good for your health.

Are you private renting or with council/HA?

I'm not sure what the rules are re: tenancy agreements if you're married vs not married - I'm sure someone more knowledgeable will be able to offer you advice shortly.

But no yanu. And he needs to go.

Igmum · 15/01/2024 19:09

Please leave him. He's an addict. He doesn't care about you or the kids. He only cares about his addiction. Sending love Flowers

LadyEloise1 · 15/01/2024 19:14

Daffodilsandsunshine · 15/01/2024 13:37

How do you work nights and homeschool - you must be shattered!?
He'd rather gamble than keep his own family warm and fed. If he's ignored your previous ultimatums, what more can you do to make him acknowledge the problem gambling apart from ask him to leave? Other OPs may be able to post links where you can check benefits you may be entitled to without him around.

This 💯

LadyEloise1 · 15/01/2024 19:14

Beastiesandthebeauty · 15/01/2024 13:38

That was the gut reaction. He's a scumbag we can debunk everything else. You're going to run yourself into the ground and your kids need you. Who's name is the house in ect ? He's not a partner He's a cunt.

And this 💯

Loopylambs · 15/01/2024 19:23

Sorry for you in this situation , working nights and homeschooling must be difficult. You will be better off financially if he goes and you and kids well-being will be improved.

Loopylambs · 15/01/2024 19:23

Sorry for you in this situation , working nights and homeschooling must be difficult. You will be better off financially if he goes and you and kids well-being will be improved.

Crikeyisthatthetime · 15/01/2024 19:30

OP, you don't have to convince him that you're right. You don't need to give him a reason that he will accept. You just have to tell him you have had enough, it's over, he's got to go. And if he doesn't go, call someone to back you up.
Do you have a friend who would come round or could your parents be there when you ask him to leave?

idrinkandiknowthings · 16/01/2024 13:27

There are literally no positives to this relationship whatsoever. I know it's easy for us all to say LTB, but you're maintaining the home, the finances and parenting the children on your own and to be honest he's just a millstone.