My husband says I'm being unrealistic and unreasonable for wanting him to help out with household bills.

[Meltdownmum]

Hi,
I'm just looking for some advice, I think my marriage is over. My husband works full time. Monday to Friday.
I work full time nights shifts. I get my boss to space my shifts out as I don't get to sleep when I get home after work. We have 4 children, our youngest child is 6 with special needs and is currently not attending school due to extreme anxiety and aggression.

So I homeschool.
My problem is, my husband works full time and earns more than I do, but he does not contribute towards buying food or anything for the children. He says his wages cover his bills which most of the time they don't.
He is a gambler, and over the last few years this has gotten worse. I can't take it anymore. He didn't help me or contribute towards Christmas for the children, and hasn't done for the last few years.
We have had the same argument for about 5 years, he says all the right things but never changes.
He thinks nothing of spending money to gamble but then huffs when I ask him to get bread and milk. I have told him several times that he has to help out, and he just shrugs it off. I really can't cope with him anymore, he tells so many lies and I can't rely on him at all.
I have told him that I expect him to contribute to buying food and electric as we have a top up metre but he helps for a day or two and then back to his normal ways.
I feel so ill with worry and heartbroken as he always let's me down. 3 of my children are teenagers and they see what is going on, to the point of where my daughter asks me why I let him treat me like that. I couldn't answer her because I don't know. I don't live him anymore. His gambling is a massive problem but he won't admit to gambling at all.
I just wanted to vent a bit but also to hear what anyone thought as i dont think im asking him to do anything he shouldn't be doing. Im not asking or expecting him to keep me, i just want him to contribute towards his children and our house.. I think I have taken enough over the years.
Thanks

Why did you have 4 kids with this guy?!? 😵‍💫 how an earth can you afford to live. I struggle to support 1 and that's two decent wages where we split everything 50/50!

I was smart to keep the tenancy in your name, because that makes it easy to bin the cocklodger. Of course asking him to contribute to the upkeep of his home and family is not too much, and he's ridiculously selfish. He needs to pay 50% of ALL, I say again ALL the household and family expenses. Of course he won't want to do that, and will moan and act put upon, because gambling is more important to him than his wife, children, and home are. What a disgrace of a human being!

Every time he turns a light on, turn it off.
Every time he wants the heating on, turn it off.
Every time he needs loo paper, ask him where the money is.
Every time he wants food and drink show him where the cooker is.

Be as petty as he is.

Ltb. I also haven't got my dh on our tenancy. ..

@Meltdownmum so you pay the majority of costs, manage the household and kids AND homeschool all on minimal sleep while working full time and this absolute cock lodger can't even buy a pint of mill?

WTF?!

Kick him out. Raise a claim with CMS right away and move all benefit payments into your account only.

He will be one less mouth to feed and drain on your resources.

It never fails to amaze me how so many people will trot out 'kick him out' or 'ltb'.
Irl it isn't always that easy or simple. A person may be 'brain washed' or so used to a certain way of life they can't see how to live any other way if indeed they can.
So before going for the 'kick him out' option it might not be feasible for so many reasons.
Been there, done that still got the mental scars....

I don’t understand how you can work all night and homeschool the next day. When do you sleep?

oh god i want him kicked out JUST so he can see how expensive everything is!! maybe then he wont be so stupid!

Honestly op you deserve more and its obvious you are getting nothing from that relationship

Another point, if you are married doesn't he have certain rights to be in the property even if he is not on the tenancy? I'd check this with your landlord first before booting him out. Hopefully though he would do the decent thing and leave but if he's like my exh...
I want to be told this incorrect re; the tenancy, but I'm not sure.

He sits on the sofa with his hood up with his phone in his hand. He doesn't help with the home schooling.
My parents are at their wits end with it all. My mum and dad had a fantastic relationship and still do. Both worked hard in good jobs and split everything 50/50. They are both in their 70's now so both retired. His parents are the same. He was fantastic when we met and when we got married. Then the last few years have been a nightmare.
I think that is when gambling really took over. I have looked at the online benefit calculators so I do know our marriage is over. Its just getting things in place for when it happens. We don't have a joint account so that is good.
It's the way he says things about im being unreasonable can make me doubt myself to the point i nearly believe him.
But I am so glad I posted here. Thank you all so so much.

'Sits on the sofa with his hood up and phone in his hand'. He sounds about 15. and that's being disrepectful to many 15yos who are decent kids.
No wonder you're fed up.

So sorry he thinks it is unreasanble to pay towards things he uses or benefit him (water, energy, food, broadbad) and support his children.

I had housemates in my early twenties who contributed more than him.

He needs to be thrown in the bin.

Wht the hell is going on - are you all shoping in the shit man child shop for your husbands or something?

Is there anyway at all that you could look at getting some help with the 6year old.
Either back into school or some respite care just so you can get some sleep.
Or if that isn't possible then maybe you could look at dropping one night ? You could look into making up the shortfall with universal credit?

to the point of where my daughter asks me why I let him treat me like that

Every day that you allow this to go on you are setting your daughter up to feel this is all a woman should expect. And setting your sons (if you have any) up to replicate you husband's behaviour.

You are in control, whether you choose to realise it or not. He wont change, he has it made. House, food, gambling, the "little woman" running around like a blue arsed fly ... why would he change?

You have to. And I can promise you that you will grow as soon as you kick his lazy, entitled arse out. As will your children's respect for you.

Apart from it being hugely unfair that he contributes nothing.....if you don't divorce asap you continue to be legally responsible for the increasing gambling debts he will be racking up. Better to cut financial ties with a gambler - he can still come over to help with the kids and be a dad without pulling you all down with him.

This!

What have I just read???

OP, he's living like a lodger in your house. But it's actually worse because he's not even paying electricity, council tax, groceries.

He's scrounging off you and your children... essentially stealing from you and your children to fund his gambling.

Just kick him out!!!!

What benefit does he bring to your family? If you divorced it's highly likely that assuming the children would reside with you that you could negotiate staying in the home. Then he would need to pay you child support. I'm sure someone else could give you CSA calculations but could be your no worse if financially. Of course, work will be tricky but I dont think anyone would begrudge you relying on state benefits for a while whilst the children need you.
I couldnt stay with someone that selfish and irresponsible. What message is this giving your children? You are worth more. Being alone would be an improvement.

Start divorce proceedings now, don't waste any more time. Your life sounds dreadful - make it better by getting rid of this waste of space. Your parents sound supportive. Tell friends and family how bad things are, you'll be surprised how many of them will have thought you were happily married. Gather a good support network around you and look forward to the freedom your new single life will bring.

@Meltdownmum

I would go to his parents and sit down and tell them exactly what's happening.

Tell them everything

Tell them you appreciate he's a grown adult and isn't their responsibility however he isn't yours either and your children are your priority not him

Tell them he can no longer live in the house as it's having a massive effect on the children.

Then get your finances looked at in regards to help with the dc and rent etc etc and set the ball rolling right now.

You do not have to tolerate this behaviour.

He is a friggin man child that is manipulating you to get his own way because he has an addiction

That won't ever change while you are enabling his behaviour

Don't let his issue be yours anymore.

You don't have 4 dependants - you have 5 and one is man-sized.

I'm sorry you have to put with this but this is not a marriage or partnership. I'm staggered you've hung in this long.

Please do yourself and your children a favour and cut this financial, psychological and emotional drain from your lives.

Get legal advice and get out.

He's a gambler and he's prioritising gambling over household bills and necessities.

That won't change.

"He sits on the sofa with his hood up..."

Maybe I'm too intolerant, but that alone raised my hackles.

He has to go, OP - and go now.

@Meltdownmum, I can relate because my father was a gambler.

You and your children are being emotionally and financially abused by this lying gambling addict who is treating you all like shit on his shoe. Respectfully, you are enabling him and subsidizing his habit. It’s no wonder that the older 3 have the measure of him and the dysfunctional dynamic between the 2 of you.

You’ve been flogging this dead horse for 5 years, and it’s taken a massive toll on you. He is getting away with doing massive harm to everyone, and he’s not going to change. Steel yourself against his bullying, manipulative accusations of your being unreasonable.

Get this toxic parasite out and file for divorce, @Meltdownmum. You can do it.

Imagine your life without him, I am sure it will be better in every single way and your children will no longer be witness to their dad's negative behaviours and attitude. You must be worn out and so stressed putting up with this and you deserve a much better life. You sound a strong and resourceful woman and you will be able to use these talents to create a better and happier future