My husband says I'm being unrealistic and unreasonable for wanting him to help out with household bills.

[Meltdownmum]

Hi,
I'm just looking for some advice, I think my marriage is over. My husband works full time. Monday to Friday.
I work full time nights shifts. I get my boss to space my shifts out as I don't get to sleep when I get home after work. We have 4 children, our youngest child is 6 with special needs and is currently not attending school due to extreme anxiety and aggression.

So I homeschool.
My problem is, my husband works full time and earns more than I do, but he does not contribute towards buying food or anything for the children. He says his wages cover his bills which most of the time they don't.
He is a gambler, and over the last few years this has gotten worse. I can't take it anymore. He didn't help me or contribute towards Christmas for the children, and hasn't done for the last few years.
We have had the same argument for about 5 years, he says all the right things but never changes.
He thinks nothing of spending money to gamble but then huffs when I ask him to get bread and milk. I have told him several times that he has to help out, and he just shrugs it off. I really can't cope with him anymore, he tells so many lies and I can't rely on him at all.
I have told him that I expect him to contribute to buying food and electric as we have a top up metre but he helps for a day or two and then back to his normal ways.
I feel so ill with worry and heartbroken as he always let's me down. 3 of my children are teenagers and they see what is going on, to the point of where my daughter asks me why I let him treat me like that. I couldn't answer her because I don't know. I don't live him anymore. His gambling is a massive problem but he won't admit to gambling at all.
I just wanted to vent a bit but also to hear what anyone thought as i dont think im asking him to do anything he shouldn't be doing. Im not asking or expecting him to keep me, i just want him to contribute towards his children and our house.. I think I have taken enough over the years.
Thanks

Op, you really need to kick him out.

He thinks you’re being unrealistic and unreasonable to contribute to the household?

Get him out asap. Tell him he needs to be gone by this weekend.

Kick him out and claim maintenance. You'll be better off and miles happier. You're a long time dead OP and this man is not enriching your life in any way. Bin.

I got rid of my one of these pathetic selfish arseholes and it was the best thing for my little family and myself. Finances are steady, and better without the sponger. It was excatkry the same - he “couldn’t” pay towards anything due to “his bills” so I ran the household as what else was I meant to do! Well, the answer was find the strength and self respect to say no more. Never regretted it for even a second.
Life is so short, you deserve so much more than this.

I heard a great phrase the other day “you can’t change the people around you, but you can change the people around you”.

He isn’t going to change so do yourself and your kids a favour and tell him it’s over.

Yes, you will need to adapt. You won’t be able to work nights and homeschool during the day. You’re not a machine. So start making new plans and don’t for one second think you’d be better off just putting up with it, because you won’t.

Time for a fresh start. Anything is possible. Best of luck to you OP.

In a marriage, there shouldn't be "his money" and "her money". There should be "our money", especially if you are raising children.

You've married a cocklodger with a gambling problem who thinks the kids are "hers" not "ours". Get rid of him.

This pic is apt I think.

Good riddance to bad rubbish. Get him out asap. Yes it’s rubbish for you in terms of your job but showing your children how to advocate for yourself and put boundaries in place will be one of the best lessons you can give them. You can claim benefits and cms from him.

@brainworms Where did you find that? It's amazing.

As soon as I saw he was a gambling addict my heart sank.

You've been given some great advice here OP, best of luck in getting this leach out of your life.

You know what you need to do.........throw him out asap!

I hope you find the strength to do it.

My parents are at their wits end with it all. My mum and dad had a fantastic relationship and still do. Both worked hard in good jobs and split everything 50/50. They are both in their 70's now so both retired. His parents are the same. He was fantastic when we met and when we got married. Then the last few years have been a nightmare.

I'd tell them that you need out for your mental health and your children -and ask your parents for some support and then get legal advice and get him gone.

We have 4 children, our youngest child is 6 with special needs and is currently not attending school due to extreme anxiety and aggression.
Childcare does sound like it need sorting or at least getting him back in school - or a better suited school - otherwise you are working and paying half and doing all the parenting - I suspect once he leaves you'll start to feel better not being dragged down.

Gambling addicts won't change without help but you need to focus on you and your kids.

He gambles.
He expects you to pay all children related expenses.
He expects you to pay more towards the home running than he pays.
He doesn't engage in family life.
Doesn't pull his weight.
He tells you you're unreasonable and complains if you ask him to do a simple thing.
Overall this shows he has no respect for you and doesn't enjoy family life.

There are many reasons here to leave him. You only need one (which can be 'I don't like you anymore. You add nothing to my life').

Financially and emotionally, i think you would be best to divorce him.

Unfortunately, addicts need to want to get better, he doesn't sound anywhere near that

Get him out. What a waste of human skin.

Does your son get DLA if at the higher level you can claim carers allowance ? It is not possible to work nights and home school your MH can’t cope with that.Get him out ,claim CSA and UC.I would stop working until your son is in education .You need time to regroup. Talk to your parents and explain what is going on.Your life can be better than this nightmare.

Bloody hell, you absolutely need to leave him

His half of the bills are half the rent, half the utilities, half the insurance, half the food, half of the household bills. If he's refusing to be half of the partnership, then he's really not half of the partnership x

I work permanent nights and also a mum to four. I hear you totally. It's actually good you're renting as you can claim benefits to help with the rent. How old are all the children. Do the older ones work or are they in education. Please go online and check the benefits you're entitled to . I get UC despite working full time due to the price of my rent and having 4 kids. I was married and we split up before anyone piles on about being a mum on benefits. I have also lived with an addict although it wasn't gambling. It drains the fucking life out of you and working nights can be very lonely with alot of time to think also the lack of sleep. I get by on about 4 hours a day and it's aged me loads I get ill all the time. Hover around being very depressed especially as I see little sunlight and do a very demanding job. Sending hugs

I could weep for you - what an awful, awful man

I am with your daughter on this.
Why are you letting him do this? And why dis you have 4 kids with someone like that - assuming he was always like this?

Well now you have waited so long to end it, the upside is that you have 3 teenagers who could babysit their DB while you work. Given what your H is like, I really doubt that he does a better job than they could together. You might even find that they've been doing the necessary anyway while you've been at work as he's so irresponsible. Ask them how they'd feel about chipping in, your DD seems happy at the prospect of him getting the boot.

What a disgrace of a man! If you've had this chat with him before then you'd be wasting your time. File for divorce on the grounds of unreasonable behaviour. Sorry but you and your kids deserve better.

Not sure about the cockroach type comments. He's an addict, it's an illness, he's dragging you down and you'd be better off emotionally and financially if you separate. But no need to call him parasite etc.

I think living with you enables his addiction as he's able to spend more of gambling while you basically fund his other living costs. Breaking up might push him closer to rock bottom, maybe one day he'll turn things around.

Right now you need a plan what to do re childcare when you ask him to leave. I'd be throwing myself on social services asking for help, tbh.

When do you sleep? You poor woman.

Wishing you better times.