I didn’t see it coming and I feel like I am drowning in hurt.

[Feelinglikeiamlosingmymind]

EXP had an affair. After I discovered this he simply walked out on the kids and I with a very simple “I’ve been unhappy for years” and “I just want to live my life without all this responsibility and do as I please”.

I have to be honest I never saw it coming. I thought we had a good life. Three gorgeous children, a lovely home. We would have minor disagreements like any couple but no awful shouting arguments. Life was obviously very full on with three young children. Added into the mix he would be away for long periods of time and I would be left holding the fort. I was exhausted and at times at my limit mentally with doing everything alone. I felt like a single parent.

Since this all I happened I have handled it terribly and I am ashamed that I begged and tried to make him see sense. He literally just blanked me and refused to talk about any of it which has just made it even harder to process and understand. I feel like a weak and pathetic women. The more I’ve been ignored the more I’ve been desperate for him to just apologise or say something.m. I feel like a flip switched and he had a complete personality transplant and I am so desperate to be validated by him. He hates me.

He does not see the children on any sort of regular schedule and has this sort of fluid life with no consistency and it’s really hard to even try to respectfully coparent with him.

To top it off I feel completely rejected by his family and his affair partner has inserted herself in to their world. I thought his mother and I had a good relationship and I feel so betrayed not just by him but her too. I probably sound really pathetic.

I am repeatedly told by Ex I should be over this now as it’s been 7 months. But I am not remotely. I am really struggling with how easily he just ditched our family and moved on. I never imagined he would just leave us.

I need help in how I communicate with him without getting so mad that I come across as deranged. I just have so much anger.

It’s not helped I am financially vulnerable to him and he is very controlling about what he pays and how grateful I should be. I was stupid and never married so the house is his. I feel alone yet absolutely trapped. I am so angry he just walked away and gets to live the life of being care free and I essentially feel like I can’t go anywhere or do anything.

I am also not coping with his visits. He has no where to live so when he is back and wants to see them I hand the house over to him otherwise he will not have them overnight. It’s the only break I get. Every time he shows up again after a couple of months I feel like my hearts breaking.

Hi. How old are the children? Do you work?

Is the house too expensive for you to maintain on your wage? Can you sell yo and buy cheaper? Or rent cheaper? He wont pay forever.

He despises you because he resents that you are capable at running a home and raising the children. Something he can't manage.

He's a weak man.

You are in love and holding on to the man you thought he was.

He is not that man.

You need to find ways to get over him.

You are building hysteria inside yourself. You can control that hysteria and accept that he's gone and the man you are dealing with is someone else.

You're not weak and pathetic. You weren't running from responsibility. The responsibility he doesn't want any more? He's planning to let you pick up the slack? Make sure he has the kids half the week.

You will get to the point where you want that freedom and value it.

Why does he have nowhere of his own to see the children?
he sounds like a self absorbed arsehole to be honest

do you work? How old are the children?

If you haven't already, look for any benefits you may be entitled to as a lone parent of 3 young dc and put your case forward to your local council and start bidding for houses if you aren't legally entitled to three house you're currently living in. That way you will be able to move out and not be so reliant on him and his good will, which he seems to be using as a way of controlling and punishing you. Once you're on the road to independence from him, your self confidence and respect will begin to grow.

Better off without him and better to have found out sooner rather than later. I have no respect for a man who does not care enough for his children to put them first.

Time for a fresh start!

Why is the shackles up with the new woman or has she seen through him already?

Thank you everyone.

Honestly I feel so all over the place at the moment. I go from mad to hysterical.

The children are all under 7 so young. I do not work currently I just physically do not know how I could manage I am physically at breaking point. Although I receive a wage from a business we have currently, he is threatening to cut me off. again I feel completely reliant on his generosity and he constantly brings up how lucky I am. I don’t feel lucky. I just keep thinking of getting in the car and driving away and everyone will be better without me here.

He works abroad loves his job and has no desire to have the children regularly. He uses work and money as his excuse.

He has no home because he works abroad so feels it’s pointless for the time he is barely in the country.

I don’t know how you can think that everyone would be better off without you when you’re basically all the children have.

I guess I feel unworthy. Like I am not good enough and I must be an awful person that’s why he walked out on me. I have been told I am abusive repeatedly by him and I guess I have been mad and unkind and come across awful since I found out. It really hurts because I have never been like this in my life.

You need to compete the freedom programme online, read overcoming low self esteem by Dr Melanie Fennell and deny this man entry to your home and make it a safe space. If he wants to see the children he can arrange accommodation. With time you will heal.

Okay. Of course I’m not a legal person but I know that when I met DH his ex still lived in the house he owned with their children.
They we’re never married and she had never technically paid towards it so was not entitled to it BUT she was able to stop DH selling it until the youngest child was 18 and he was liable to pay the mortgage on it until this time .
He actually did sell it and give her half ! But I want you to take proper legal advice as I’m sure he can’t turf you out !
Go to CSA.
He wants you to be over it after 7 momths so he doesn’t feel guilty! What a cheek. You are entitled to be sad as long as you want.
You’re totally shocked and it’s understandable. You sound incredible . Take proper legal advice and find out what you’re entitled to. It’s awful you are so upset but a relief this nasty man is out of your life xxx

He is also gaslighting you. Telling you that you are absusive. You should be lucky etc.
Id get legal advice and go to CSA and then have extremely limited communication. Literally YEs/No or block him. He’s ruined your life . Now you are free of him . He doesn’t call the shots anymore.

He cheated repeatedly on me in the past and if I ever mentioned it I would be shut down and not allowed to talk about it.

Over the years he would basically tell me I would be nothing without him and I am a better person because of him. Because I grew up with parents with not a lot of money and he grew up very differently. I’ve always been told my parents do not care about me because they are very reserved.

He would love the life of a single man while away with work drinking excessive amounts till he often passed out and would be unreachable: while I would be dealing with a sick kid. One time taking them to hospital and he’d be completely unreachable.

If I ever had anxiety about doing anything he would really make me feel awful. An example is driving in certain situations I wasn’t comfortable with and I’d be described as essentially weak and lacking and needed to get over it. I was very independent in most aspects so it was always really upsetting.

I was constantly told I needed therapy and to get help. I would go to CBT, therapists, doctors etc. when they would suggest that maybe it might help if he was home more and helping with the children he would flip and everyone was completely unreasonable.

I honestly thought all the above was normal behaviour and how a relationship should be and I look now and I don’t know why. I mean I would get upset scream and shout but then he would shut me down and give me the silent treatment and I was desperate to be loved again. It all sounds crazy when I try to put it into words.

On the other hand he would be so financially generous and buy nice things and make me tea and cook when he was home and I would feel like oh he is such a good guy and it must be me. Everyone else thinks he is charismatic, charming and wonderful. My head is so screwed up.

I think that you need that anger, to drive you forward, try to use it constructively, rather than being destructive. I told myself I would have a good life with my children, despite him letting us down so badly. Get advice on what you are entitled to, from him and in benefits, he will have to pay maintenance for the children.

We tried mediation. He would not develop a parenting plan because he couldn’t because of his work. Then tried to discuss finances and it was a simple I am paying the mortgage so be grateful. But I’m scared he will just stop and I can’t live life that way.

Do I see a solicitor is there any point when we was not married?

He will be projecting everything on to you, how awful you are, how nasty you are, what a crap person you are… all to justify his own shit behaviour. He will be telling his mum and anyone who will listen how awful you are, he’s a coward. He’s not going to look into his mums eyes and hold his hands up saying what a shit he is… it will all be your fault he had an affair. This is standard
YOU ARE NONE OF THE ABOVE.
You are a bloody amazing woman raising 3 kids almost single-handedly. You are wrong about the house not being yours. You do have rights, married or not. Log everything, take screenshots and recordings of anything nasty and get good legal advice.
Stand tall lady, it’s going to be a bumpy ride, but you will come out of this happier and better. You deserve more.

I am not one bit surprised you are so angry with what he has dealt you now and over the years. He is definitely a crazy maker.
You need to work on your self esteem, believe that you are more than worthy, a good person, a wonderful Mum. Quite frankly you are too good for him and you deserve so much better.

Get legal advice, it is worth it to know where you stand. Are you on the title deeds to the property? If so, it would likely be 50/50 regardless of marriage. He sounds like he will cut all financial support very soon. You need to get a plan in place…childcare, job, are you entitled to benefits, work out your income and outgoings so you know what you are dealing with.

Your ex sounds similar to mine, behaving how he is you will never get an explanation and none of what’s happening will make any sense. I’m nearly 3 years in and still have no answers, the last year have been awful. Get yourself in to a position you don’t need him so he loses this control over you.

He’s done you a favour by removing himself, he isn’t worthy of you, look at his behaviour. Disgraceful and cowardly man

This is the same, he will definitely stop paying the mortgage.

if you trust him with the children make him do his fair share. Show him what a single Dad life is, he’ll be in shock because it sounds like he was useless.

You are amazing. It's hard but he is a horrible man.

You get a wage. does that mean you are on company paperwork? Has he been paying tax, NI and pension for you?
Time to start getting a hold of as much paperwork as you can

He is not a good man. He is not halfway to being a decent person. He is a lazy, dishonest bully. He doesn't deserve you or his children. He only has a family because you did all the work and held everything together. And he knows this, even if you don't.

So use your anger productively. Get some legal advice and find out what you are entitled to. Sort out any money you have access to into an account in your name. Get help from any family or friends you can. Don't be ashamed, he is the one sleeping around and abandoning his partner and 3 young children. He hasn't been a help or support to you. You and your children will thrive without him dragging you down.