I didn’t see it coming and I feel like I am drowning in hurt.

[Feelinglikeiamlosingmymind]

EXP had an affair. After I discovered this he simply walked out on the kids and I with a very simple “I’ve been unhappy for years” and “I just want to live my life without all this responsibility and do as I please”.

I have to be honest I never saw it coming. I thought we had a good life. Three gorgeous children, a lovely home. We would have minor disagreements like any couple but no awful shouting arguments. Life was obviously very full on with three young children. Added into the mix he would be away for long periods of time and I would be left holding the fort. I was exhausted and at times at my limit mentally with doing everything alone. I felt like a single parent.

Since this all I happened I have handled it terribly and I am ashamed that I begged and tried to make him see sense. He literally just blanked me and refused to talk about any of it which has just made it even harder to process and understand. I feel like a weak and pathetic women. The more I’ve been ignored the more I’ve been desperate for him to just apologise or say something.m. I feel like a flip switched and he had a complete personality transplant and I am so desperate to be validated by him. He hates me.

He does not see the children on any sort of regular schedule and has this sort of fluid life with no consistency and it’s really hard to even try to respectfully coparent with him.

To top it off I feel completely rejected by his family and his affair partner has inserted herself in to their world. I thought his mother and I had a good relationship and I feel so betrayed not just by him but her too. I probably sound really pathetic.

I am repeatedly told by Ex I should be over this now as it’s been 7 months. But I am not remotely. I am really struggling with how easily he just ditched our family and moved on. I never imagined he would just leave us.

I need help in how I communicate with him without getting so mad that I come across as deranged. I just have so much anger.

It’s not helped I am financially vulnerable to him and he is very controlling about what he pays and how grateful I should be. I was stupid and never married so the house is his. I feel alone yet absolutely trapped. I am so angry he just walked away and gets to live the life of being care free and I essentially feel like I can’t go anywhere or do anything.

I am also not coping with his visits. He has no where to live so when he is back and wants to see them I hand the house over to him otherwise he will not have them overnight. It’s the only break I get. Every time he shows up again after a couple of months I feel like my hearts breaking.

You're not 'lucky' because he pays towards your joint children. I presume you gave up work to care for the children? Does he realise how much childcare costs for three children? He probably owes you more!
You need to see a solicitor ASAP.
Find out your rights.
You don't need to be grateful to him.
Start to disengage yourself...do you want a future like this or do you want to be happy?

Oh and in terms of the OW and his family....this is how they treat the mother of their grandchildren then just have a little smile to yourself at the OW and bide your time. If they can turn on you they will her. You're well out of it, the whole family sound toxic.

OK. The reason you need his validation is because you don't validate yourself. But you can.

Validation is about accepting that your feelings are normal. You're not doing this. You're thinking that they make you weak, pathetic, unworthy, an awful person, ashamed of yourself, all this stuff, this is what's damaging you. Not him. Not your relationship.

Who are you, outside of 'him' issues? Do you feel those things around anybody, except him?

He's abusive. He has probably done you the biggest favour of your life although it's hard to see.

I agree with looking at the freedom programme. You do have options, but i can appreciate it's hard to see that. Seeing a solicitor couldn't hurt, especially if you're co-directors of a business he may not legally be able to cut you out of that income if you're a director. You're an amazing mum, and he's a worm. Less than a worm. You're going to come through this, and you're going to have a fulfilling life with your children and they will grow up seeing right through his bullshit and he will have nothing.

What an abusive arse he is!!! You need legal advice urgently and he needs to bloody step up for his children!
It might be worthwhile seeing your GP too. You need as much support as you can get

You are not weak and pathetic at all. I think you are very strong and are doing really well.

I think for your own sanity you need to see him as little as possible. When he comes to see the children engage as little as possible and leave them to it. Don’t be drawn into any conversations with him which will give him ammunition against you. Keep your head down until you feel stronger. Meanwhile see a solicitor.

@Feelinglikeiamlosingmymind OP you stated in your first post that you thought you had a good life and only had minor disagreements. Then you have gone on to say "He cheated repeatedly on me in the past and if I ever mentioned it I would be shut down and not allowed to talk about it." "Over the years he would basically tell me I would be nothing without him" "He would love the life of a single man while away with work drinking excessive amounts till he often passed out" "If I ever had anxiety about doing anything he would really make me feel awful."

That is not a good life!!!! Apart from the house and helping you financially (which, by the way, isn't him being "generous!" when you have 3 children together!!!) what would make you think it's a good life?!

You need to find a way to move on for your 3 small children. It appears he already has. Don't give him another ounce of your brain capacity or tears.

You sound really lovely and ot a t all the way he is choosing to describe you ( he describes you like this to get away with his own bad behaviour.
See your gp and a solicitor ASAP, start gathering financial information and have as much cash as you are able in a personal account.
In the short term, take advantage of the fact he’s away so much. This is time without him, which is good as it’s time in which you can think and plan. When he calls or comes to the house “grey rock” him. Seem bland and perfunctory and do t engage in anyway that makes you feel distressed.

Thank you all for your advice. Today I will look into legal advice.

I guess because he can also be super nice and generous and would come back and do the odd day of childcare or housework and he made the money I thought it was what I should expect. I thought we sort of had an agreement in how it all worked. I would overlook the cheating and outbursts as work stress and that it was probably my fault. I know it’s sounds ridiculous in writing.

You need to regain control and that can only happen when he stops controlling you . Get a solicitor , do you work , get benefits ? How old are the kids ? You need to find a way to get your own place followed by a child arrangement order that give you residence plus correct child maintenance .
you will feel empowered once you have full control of your life

Also people have always constantly told me how lucky I am. How nice he is. It’s weird I guess I feel like the problem must be me. After all I went mad after he walked out while he was just cool calm and collected and seems unfazed.

I don't even know where to start with this.

You are NOT unworthy. You are super important and super worthy

If you believe ANYTHING this man says you are not being sensible. Same for his family. They are ALL showing their true colours now.

He is a HORRIBLE VILE man

See a couple of solicitors. Free 30 mins. Take the financial situation with you.

Ask about the house and finances and CMS

See CAB. Ask as above

Do the freedom programme

Grey rock him

See your GP for help with your lack of self worth

YOU ARE AMAZING AND I AM IN AWE OF YOU

Be kind to yourself here. You loved a man and a family that treated you very badly . You are hurt and that's okay , he can try and push you to get over it as much as he likes but you are you and it sounds like he doesn't respect that but you can .

Going forward try to take control of your and the children's lives . Think how can we not focus on him and focus on our healing . What do you all need and how do you get it . Start by getting a counsellor to help you then you will get stronger and help your situation .

I speak from experience here , I was in your situation and cried for a very long time . But we all survived as a little unit . We actually did well in the end . He stopped seeing the children in the end and actually life got better after that , no uncertainty anymore .

You can do this

I'm sorry you are going through this @Feelinglikeiamlosingmymind . It sounds like you need to take some steps to take control of your life. Do you have family, even if elsewhere in the country?

Have you looked at a benefits calculator to see what you would be entitled to if you are let go from Ex's company? I would really recommend getting a part time job, even if you just break even on the childcare. You need to widen your life and build some other areas, not related to EX.

Start to make some decisions for yourself and building your own future in any little way you can. You need to start figuring out how to get your own place that won't be controlled by Ex.

I am so sorry that this has happened to you. From experience i can assure you that one day you will feel a million times better than you do today. You will hate him for a time but will then realise he is not worth that sort of energy or headspace. Set yourself small goals each week and make them happen. This week it is to seek legal advice. Next week it is to do the exact opposite of what your ex expects you to do, if he expects you to cry, don't if he expects you to scream at him, don't. He thinks he knows you and therefore thinks he can control you, shock him.
This is a hellish situation and i hope any woman reading this thread that has children or intends to have them realises how important it is to be married.

You've had some good advice already OP. Mine would be to get a copy of Chumplady's book "Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life" and read it from cover to cover.

What a completely selfish scumbag. If he wanted the life of a single man he shouldn't have had 3 children. Twat. He will end up sad and alone especially if he always prioritises work above the people in his life.

You on the other hand sound lovely, capable and kind. A decent human being, way above this guy in every possible way.

7 months is nothing, you are still in shock. I would get some counselling if you still have any details of your previous counsellor and get some support.

People telling you how lucky you are misogynists so no way. Unless, he is like a full narcissist that put a face onto others. But anyone who defend cheating is as bad as he is.

The relationship went to tatters and his family is taking his side. You need to think of yourself and put him in the back burner. There is not point lingering in the past. You were living a lie. Move forward. You pushed three kids out that is harder than anything else. You can do it. Get a lawyer and take what you are entitled to. Once women have been abused they tend to fall for this shit again so pls do not rush into another man arms.

Be 💪

You're tying yourself in knots over a man who is essentially a piece of crap.

He sounds like he has NPD to me . Google it and read up . I think this what you are describing and dealing with .

OP, this is absolutely awful and abusive behaviour on his part. I'm so sorry you're going through this.

3 kids under 7 is very tough.

And 7 months is nothing. Fuck him and his timetable for getting over this. It will take longer I'm afraid but you will get through it.

See your gp, see if you can get any therapy or low cost counselling. See a few solicitors and get a few free 30 min sessions. They may tell you different things as there are grey areas. But make a start.

I've been in a similar situation, got ditched by in laws too. Its so so hurtful. People don't get it unless they've been through it.

Lean on trusted friends if you are able to.

If he's always cheated know that he'll do the same to her in time. It's who he is.

You may want to try Women's Aid too and they can signpost sometimes to cheaper or free legal advice.

OP you can do this.
You have 3 kids under 7 you’re already an expert in multi tasking x
This man is a deadbeat abuser. He’s hurting you and your kids.
Gather together whatever financial and legal documents you can .
See a solicitor find out your rights regarding your home , children , You say you have a business together and he pays you a wage or an bonus?
Do you have your own personal bank account, is the kids child allowance paid into it ?
Its hard but you need to look at ways of being financially independent of this man and his mind games. That starts with knowing your rights and taking action