I didn’t see it coming and I feel like I am drowning in hurt.

[Feelinglikeiamlosingmymind]

EXP had an affair. After I discovered this he simply walked out on the kids and I with a very simple “I’ve been unhappy for years” and “I just want to live my life without all this responsibility and do as I please”.

I have to be honest I never saw it coming. I thought we had a good life. Three gorgeous children, a lovely home. We would have minor disagreements like any couple but no awful shouting arguments. Life was obviously very full on with three young children. Added into the mix he would be away for long periods of time and I would be left holding the fort. I was exhausted and at times at my limit mentally with doing everything alone. I felt like a single parent.

Since this all I happened I have handled it terribly and I am ashamed that I begged and tried to make him see sense. He literally just blanked me and refused to talk about any of it which has just made it even harder to process and understand. I feel like a weak and pathetic women. The more I’ve been ignored the more I’ve been desperate for him to just apologise or say something.m. I feel like a flip switched and he had a complete personality transplant and I am so desperate to be validated by him. He hates me.

He does not see the children on any sort of regular schedule and has this sort of fluid life with no consistency and it’s really hard to even try to respectfully coparent with him.

To top it off I feel completely rejected by his family and his affair partner has inserted herself in to their world. I thought his mother and I had a good relationship and I feel so betrayed not just by him but her too. I probably sound really pathetic.

I am repeatedly told by Ex I should be over this now as it’s been 7 months. But I am not remotely. I am really struggling with how easily he just ditched our family and moved on. I never imagined he would just leave us.

I need help in how I communicate with him without getting so mad that I come across as deranged. I just have so much anger.

It’s not helped I am financially vulnerable to him and he is very controlling about what he pays and how grateful I should be. I was stupid and never married so the house is his. I feel alone yet absolutely trapped. I am so angry he just walked away and gets to live the life of being care free and I essentially feel like I can’t go anywhere or do anything.

I am also not coping with his visits. He has no where to live so when he is back and wants to see them I hand the house over to him otherwise he will not have them overnight. It’s the only break I get. Every time he shows up again after a couple of months I feel like my hearts breaking.

I never imagined he could lie so openly. Especially to our children on FaceTime. The constant I miss you all so much. I can’t wait to be home. It will be worth it we will be moving home to have so much more space. You are so patient thank you.

You have a beautiful future ahead where you will discover safety and peace and sanity. (Sanity as you will be away from that narcisist). You will be free and independent. You will have an incredible bond with your DC and they will love and respect you so much. You can do this OP.

ExDP who? Blank him and grey wall him.

You can vent here and once you're all out of steam we are here to help build you up again.

You need space to draw breath. Is there someone who could stay for a bit? Give you some moral support and some help with the DC. Family perhaps. I wish I could do something to help

OP I say this with kindness.

Stop reflecting on all the lies and shitty person he is and start taking control.

See a solicitor, start getting the legal papers drawn up. The shock of you taking control etc will be the best revenge.

You need to think about your future and your DC.

He is a proper asshole, over time you will see this as a big turning point in your life, one where you took control and became free from abuse.

And OP I'm a lone parent, yes it's tough at times but the one thing that makes it easier is being financially secure. Please please sort out the divorce and financial agreement.

No you're not but he's an absolutely despicable person.

Just wanted to send love @Feelinglikeiamlosingmymind . My husband left 2 weeks ago and I also had the rug pulled from under me, and I'm struggling badly, Here if you need to talk.

I never imagined he could lie so openly

You need to process emotions relating to the shock and discovery that your ex was a liar as well as take action to separate your lives financially (and of course continue to raise 3 children). If you feel overwhelmed that's completely natural and totally understandable. Having a sudden separation is a loss so you will need the grieve.

Separating from a toxic person needs caution. When you get legal advice don't tell him. He will enjoy that he is in control of you and a solicitor will make him feel threatened.
Also it's very common for a smear campaign to operate against you. Try not to give him any further ammunition and don't spill out your anger to him in emails/text messages as he could use this against you.

There is light at the end of this dark tunnel but it isn't quick so focus on tiny steps and know you will always have the love of your children.

Regrettably you will not be able to get much financial support as not married but he will need to support the children. Did you contribute to finances prior to the children as that maybe an avenue to explore.

Thank you everyone once again for all your supportive messages. You have all helped so much. I am incredibly grateful for each and every message.

I am for the first time starting to look towards the future. I have been paralysed by shock and grief for months. I have spoken to a councillor, the gp and women’s aid.

Baby steps but today I felt I saw a glimmer of light between the trees. My aim for 2024 is to get the children and I in a financially independent situation. It will be a big lifestyle change and I am nervous. The alternative is a life controlled by the ex and I just can’t do it anymore. For the sake of both the children’s and my own mental health.

Honestly I wish you nothing but strength and love.

Please be aware that whilst you will feel strong sometimes, there are other times you will not, you will feel hopeless and i'm not saying that to dissuade you in any way - this IS the right thing to do for you and your children, but I do want to tell you that it won't be easy and you will feel emotionally up and down a lot.

You will prevail on this, and I am so glad you are getting support and help, you have everyone here behind you as well - and whilst we're a bunch of strangers on the internet, a great number of us myself included have been through something similar. It is possible to get free from it.

I feel horrified today as I found out ex has been watching us on the ring doorbell for months now despite the fact he promised he had removed himself from the account. I feel violated.

His actions are just reinforcing that you are right. This man is very manipulative.
Could you just use another door & move your car so he can’t see your movements?
Do you have any other devises he could be using to monitor your movements with?

He is a real prize shit, isn't he?

Its completely normal for you to be so angry. I feel furious on your behalf just reading your post.

I despise weak, selfish men like him who treat their kids and the mother of their kids like this.

I wish had words of comfort for you. Its not fair, its not just, its bloody not.

I'm so, so sorry OP

Unfortunately there are other ring cameras looking out on the drive, front and side of the house. I have disconnected the doorbell but can not get up the side of the house to deal with the side cameras. I find it very uncomfortable to think he could be watching.

Have you checked for cameras inside the house too? Can changing your WiFi password, to something that he can't guess, stop any cameras from sending him images.

Good question I have no idea if changing WiFi password makes a difference?! I’ll have a google. Thank you.

Hiya - my ex did this when I went to collect my items from that house, he'd had a ring doorbell installed and was watching me move my things out on it.

Changing the wifi password probably won't do anything if it's connected directly to the router (I am an IT manager for reference).

The best thing you can do is disconnect it completely from the router or ban the device by logging into the router. I would recommend the former as it's less hassle. Just replace the entire doorbell with a normal one without a camera. I find the sodding things intrusive as hell anyway.

Thank you! How do you disconnect from the router can I ask? Sorry I am clueless!

Is there a cable connecting it? If you send me a photo I can maybe help you, but with mine there was a little box connected to the router and the doorbell was connected via the wifi network.

The other thing I would do is just completely remove the doorbell from the front of the house too, and also check the house for any internal cameras because you can hook those up as well - my ex did that and hooked up internal cameras so that he could watch on his mobile while i moved out my things and hear me as well.

Just tear the whole lot down in my opinion, that's the easiest way but I can probably give you more information if you can tell me the make and model of the doorbell. If it is connected via the wifi password changing it will disconnect it yes so perhaps do that as an added bonus - this is also going to protect you if he goes truly psycho and attempts to hack any devices on your network - highly unlikely but i wouldn't put anything past anyone these days.