I didn’t see it coming and I feel like I am drowning in hurt.

[Feelinglikeiamlosingmymind]

EXP had an affair. After I discovered this he simply walked out on the kids and I with a very simple “I’ve been unhappy for years” and “I just want to live my life without all this responsibility and do as I please”.

I have to be honest I never saw it coming. I thought we had a good life. Three gorgeous children, a lovely home. We would have minor disagreements like any couple but no awful shouting arguments. Life was obviously very full on with three young children. Added into the mix he would be away for long periods of time and I would be left holding the fort. I was exhausted and at times at my limit mentally with doing everything alone. I felt like a single parent.

Since this all I happened I have handled it terribly and I am ashamed that I begged and tried to make him see sense. He literally just blanked me and refused to talk about any of it which has just made it even harder to process and understand. I feel like a weak and pathetic women. The more I’ve been ignored the more I’ve been desperate for him to just apologise or say something.m. I feel like a flip switched and he had a complete personality transplant and I am so desperate to be validated by him. He hates me.

He does not see the children on any sort of regular schedule and has this sort of fluid life with no consistency and it’s really hard to even try to respectfully coparent with him.

To top it off I feel completely rejected by his family and his affair partner has inserted herself in to their world. I thought his mother and I had a good relationship and I feel so betrayed not just by him but her too. I probably sound really pathetic.

I am repeatedly told by Ex I should be over this now as it’s been 7 months. But I am not remotely. I am really struggling with how easily he just ditched our family and moved on. I never imagined he would just leave us.

I need help in how I communicate with him without getting so mad that I come across as deranged. I just have so much anger.

It’s not helped I am financially vulnerable to him and he is very controlling about what he pays and how grateful I should be. I was stupid and never married so the house is his. I feel alone yet absolutely trapped. I am so angry he just walked away and gets to live the life of being care free and I essentially feel like I can’t go anywhere or do anything.

I am also not coping with his visits. He has no where to live so when he is back and wants to see them I hand the house over to him otherwise he will not have them overnight. It’s the only break I get. Every time he shows up again after a couple of months I feel like my hearts breaking.

You are very vulnerable, @Feelinglikeiamlosingmymind

IANAL but it don't believe you have any right to stay in the house or him paying the mortgage or any other costs. All you are entitled too is child maintenance which, if he works abroad, may prove difficult to collect.

What exactly is your position in the business that you mentioned? Do you own any shares? Please post with precise details in the Legal Matters here, and/or see a competent solicitor.

I fear that there is no alternative to you going back to work and ultimately moving into a rented property. AFAIK, you'd be entitled to some contributions to childcare expenses and rent, as well as other benefits, in the form of Universal Credit. I would suggest you start a separate thread about your likely entitlement, but also make a CAB appointment to get clarity of what you can expect.

Hi OP, some really good advice on here for you, but appreciate that it may seem overwhelming right now particularly when you are feeling so low. Why not get a notepad and write down what others on here have advised you do and take it step by step, so look online for a solicitor who will give you a 30mins free consultation, many of them do this. Knowing where you stand legally will help you move forward, along with finding out what if any benefits you may be entitled to, tick things off your list as you go this will hopefully not make it all seem so overwhelming for you. I'm sure with 3 young children you may often feel you don't get time for yourself but when they are in bed, allow yourself some 'me' time even if it is just sitting quietly for a few minutes. If you can do the Freedom programme online please try it, as it really may help you to see how you haven't done anything wrong and allow you to hopefully find some inner strength to help you. I hope that you have friends and family who can offer you some real life support and I wish you well. You deserve so much more and you and your children I believe will be so much happier in time.

He sounds like a narcissistic prick!! You are a strong independent woman which children who love you. Seek help from the right people sort your finances and move out of that house as it won’t b long until he and the ow are living there. He is not worth it but you are worth everything.

He sounds like an absolute C word. Stop feeling bad for begging or clinging. I have been where you are - completely cut off by someone who takes off and treats you as if you don't exist afterwards and it is completely dehumanising. I feel for you because it's hell. Leave him to the mess he has made and to his guilt. He will pick up the tab for this emotionally. You have your home and your kids and friends and family. He's just going to flounder around. Be ready to tell him where to go when he realises like isn't so great on the outside.

He sounds like a really nasty piece of work OP and you have had a lucky escape getting away from him. You need to get legal advice and start moving on from him having this hold over you, paying the mortgage and using it to control you.

I agree you need to get angry. Of course you're not 'over this'. He exploited you, he wanted the social cachet of being a family man but found he didn't like the responsibility for children or having to be faithful to one woman. How pathetic of him.

He wants you to feel ashamed and like it's your fault, remember that every time you start wondering 'what if it was me?' or anything like that. If you find yourself thinking that way, practice thinking 'No, it wasn't, fuck him!'

Because it was entirely him, and he's not even trying to cover up that his reasons for leaving were 100% selfish and lazy.

Of all your updates, @Feelinglikeiamlosingmymind , this was the one that stood out to me the most. What you write is heartbreaking. He's done such a number on you that you've lost yourself. You can't see yourself or your situation with clear eyes, because your vision has been skewed by his constant chip, chip, chipping away at your self-esteem. To an outsider with a more objective view, his behaviour is clearly the outlier here. He's a father who was in a relationship but living the life of a single man. That isn't usual.

Leaving aside the serial cheating here, because that isn't even the most major of the ways he's abused and misused you, he's compensated for his own shortcomings by gaslighting you, causing you to question your own sanity and own reality to the extent that you now believe it's you who are the problem. That is 'gaslighting', and it's a well-documented form of abuse (I'd go as far as to say mental torture). It is mental cruelty. Thus you've heard over years that even your parents don't love you, because there's nothing about you that's loveable. That no one else would have you but him. And when, naturally, the steam built up in the pressure cooker and you did lash out, this added fuel to his narrative that you 'need help', and you'd also suffer a period of silence as 'punishment' to bring you back into line. You got help, too, because he did bring you back into line, and you so much internalized his view of you. You poor, poor woman.

It surprises me not one bit that he's pushed you into therapy. I'm going to take a wild punt here and guess that he's constantly been telling you you have mental health issues, or are 'crazy', and that this, too, could account for any inconsistencies between what he's been telling you and what you alternatively know to be true. The patterns don't vary much. Abusers always use a variation of the same script.

You feel like you're losing your mind because this is what these bastards do. It's how they make you feel. I can promise you one thing, OP, which is that one day not so far off, you're going to be so grateful that this trash has taken itself out. You don't see it now, but you will. Already you've come to a place of anger, which is an important stage in the healing process. That's good. Let yourself feel it. Rant and scream if you want to. It's perfectly okay.

You are not weak, OP, nor are you pathetic. You're a victim of mental cruelty and serious emotional abuse 🌹

OP what do you mean you hand the house over to him when he comes back ?

Oh op I can feel your pain. When similar happened to me, I was told it takes on average 4 years to get over something like this. He will have rewritten history and you will be awful and he will be the most amazing dad/partner that just couldn’t take anymore. It’s “the script.” The best thing you do is channel your energy into getting complete freedom. Go business like in all communication with him. Keep it factual and emotionless as this will help you regain control. I blocked all forms of communication except for an email address which he could contact me on and I would log into when I was ready to deal with it.
if you have those feelings of anger etc write them down but do not share them with him. Burn them or read them out loud to yourself - it will release it but in a safe way. By reacting to him you are still giving him the impression he has power over you.
Get legal advice on your living and business situation in order to separate them
out. Maybe call women’s aid to get some initial support to move into the right headspace.
it doesn’t feel like it now but one day you will wake up and look at what you’ve achieved without him and feel nothing towards him and pride in yourself.

Regardless of the legalities, that house is poisonous to you. It ties you to a man who has shown you that he should be avoided. You would be better off in a 1 bedroom flat that you can call your own, even if it is cramped.

I would contact the council and see what your options are.

Brilliant advice !

I am so unbelievably grateful for all of your help thank you. I have a solicitor appointment next week.

I need to separate myself from him financially I am realising that now. He is a high earner and I am slightly scared about the change of lifestyle for the kids. But I can see it will be for the best long term:

I will post in legal regarding the company issue. Thank you.

Has he treated anybody else the way he treats you? If not, their judgements of him aren't relevant, are they?

Your insistence that the problem 'must be you' is your insistence on your own pain, here. It's not you. That's what you need to get your head around. The only mistake you've made is to stick with someone who makes you feel crazy. We can all be made to feel like we're losing our noodle, in the right circumstances. People with self respect avoid those circumstances, rather than believing that they will keep their shit together through any amount of poor treatment.

You are NOT weak and pathetic! He is. If he wanted to live his life “without all this responsibility” and do as he pleases, he shouldn’t have had three children.

He sounds emotionally and financially abusive and he has no right to tell you how you should feel. Of course you were going to be shocked and deeply hurt by his and his family’s behaviour. He doesn’t get to decide when you’ll get over the break-up or that you’ll be grateful to him for not making his own children homeless.

As for why he seems to despise you, this quote from Tacitus is thought to date back to the Roman era: “It is human nature to hate the man whom you have hurt.” If he blames you for what happened, he feels less guilty.

You sound like a strong person to cope with three children on your own, even while you’re going through all this heartbreak and worry. I’m glad you’re seeing a solicitor soon. I think that in the long-term you’ll be happier without this awful man grinding you down.

Whether you are an awful person or not (doesn’t sound like you are, sounds like he’s just made you think you are, but anyway) it doesn’t matter.

Your children need you. Nobody else can keep them safe and make them happy and transition them into the new arrangement successfully.

As of right now, you need to step up for them, and put behind you any mistakes you think you might have made. Be a kind and loving mum. That will make you a very worthy person.

Convincing yourself you are unworthy and unwanted will just hamper you in this endeavour. Put those thoughts away from you.

You aren't pathetic. You were ignoring the red flags and living in a false narrative.

"Added into the mix he would be away for long periods of time and I would be left holding the fort. I was exhausted and at times at my limit mentally with doing everything alone. I felt like a single parent."

How didn't you see "this" coming?? How did you think life was great? If he's never been there for a child, and you've been essentially left managing things alone,, why did you have more?

How did you think that he was happy, when he has been distant and distancing himself from the relationship and fatherhood??

Don't ask nor beg any longer. He's just not interested in family life with you..perhaps no one.

He sounds like an abusive prick who gets off knowing he has the upper hand, and that you're not "over" it.

Call women's aid and shelters asap. In the meantime pack your and the kids belongings.

Some shelter or organization will help you rebuild your life again. You also should apply for benefits and perhaps get a job or multiple (if you don't already have).

Sucks that you had children by him and you will have to coparent with him for the remainder of your life..unless he doesn't want to...

Make it strictly about the children nothing more.

I get what you are saying but it was always a “I am working towards our future for our family and I do not want to be away”. He wanted the family. Before I caught him cheating we showed no signs he was about to leave.

I did miss red flags. But when you are surrounded by his family constantly telling you how wonderful he is and how lucky you are, you begin to think the things you brush off and overlook are just normal.

All of my friends and family are shocked and feel deceived by him too. Nobody thought he was the sort of guy to be essentially living two lives.

Can you put things in writing. Less emotional.
stating what responsibilities he has.
shared child care, Maintenance for the children, Half of the children’s expenses with schooling. He has responsibility for the children until they turn 18.

Ok I hear you I went through similar. First of all you can get a free half hour with a solicitor find out what you are entitled to. Also contact gingerbread single parent charity they will tell you what you are entitled to. Also universal credit if you are entitled. He needs to sort somewhere else to stay with the children. Can you get some counselling. It helped me massively. Also work it will be a good distraction and financially you will be better off. Depending on the ages of your children. Be angry. You’re allowed to hurt. But stop trying to make him listen because he isn’t going to change. He is showing his true colours and you’re better off without him. In time you will see that.

I'm a little confused as to how this seems to have come as such a shock when you said he has had affairs before? OP, may I ask how old you are?

Hi There

Looks like you're being abused quite seriously here, financially and emotionally.

I was going to tell you to lawyer up immediately but it looks like you have done that so good on you. Yes there is still a point even when you're not married, children change things and even if you don't have children it is still a civil partnership and you need to understand your options.

Please sign up to the freedom program firstly. You will have your eyes opened.

Secondly, you're a mess because this piece of shit isn't giving you any chance to heal and move on. I was lucky in my situation that I had the option to completely block and I had to get a solicitor to warn him off in the end - it may be worth you doing the same and getting a coparent app which is the ONLY way of him contacting you.

The reason you're emotionally a wreck is because he has control over you, he is doing that in the following ways and it is VERY deliberate and IS abuse.

1. Financially - he is making you feel dependent on him and telling you that you "should be grateful" whilst always having the looming threat of him taking away financial resource.
2. He is using his job as an excuse as to why he can continue to do whatever he likes on his timescale and it is 100% an excuse, it's bullshit and even if it's got some semblance of truth, it sounds suspiciously like his fucking problem. So he best solve it then hadn't he! He's a clever guy, i'm sure he can manage.
3. He is showing up at the house at random times on his own schedule and refusing to rent elsewhere or fully seperate.
4. The cheating and the way he speaks to you are just part and parcel of this arrogant shitty behaviour.

I root like hell for women going through what you are because men like this deserve their karma and I 100% hope he gets it.

Everything he is doing is indicative of his lack of respect for you and most likely any other woman in your life. They are also extremely clever because they act like they are such amazing decent people in public, but then they turn behind closed doors, it 100% is deliberate. Some extremely useful information would be Lundy Bancrofts "why does he do that" - get a copy or find the free pdf online - it is going to be extremely helpful to you to read this, you will resonate a lot with it.

Go on the advice of your solicitor on this, but it will not hurt you to get advice from womens aid or refuge - you can get referred by your GP and your GP can also put this on your records. You can explain the impact this is having on you also. It sounds a lot like coercieve control which is actually illegal in the UK but very hard to prove and convict for.

In essence you need to make a plan for yourself and when you are in a safe position to do so set some hard boundaries with this bastard and back them up with legal follow up and support from authorities - but only when you are in a position to do so.

Boundaries could look like:

• You will not enter the family home without informing me at least 24 hours in advance via a parenting app.
• You will not communicate with me unless it is via a parenting app.
• I will be seeking a legal agreement on custody of our children and seeking child support etc.

You need to basically keep yourself safe and looked after whilst pushing back on him so that he is forced to pay the mortgage/take the children and when he tries to put it back on you and insult you it's recorded in an app. You can aslo see if you can have the locks changed or get a non-molestation order for his behaviour but lawyers/womens aid are best for this.

You may also be liable for legal aid depending on your siuation.

For me personally I was not married and jointly owned the home, there were no children so I consider myself in a good position. I have set boundaries with my ex by cutting off/blocking all contact via phone and social media. I have had to keep contact via email due to legal situations with our house, however he was using it to abuse and harass me and every time he did it I would emotionally collapse again.
I got a lawyer to write to him to tell him if he didn't stop they would be applying for a non-molestation order. It worked. I got advice from womens aid and spoke to my GP. I got counselling on a weekly basis to help me emotionally and I am on anti-depressants which i should be able to come off soon.

Your situation is more precarious than mine is because of children and income, however there are ways of fighting back, and this IS abuse being further enabled by his family who by the way are not going to be your allies, as my ex's weren't with me. They thought I was an asshole for leaving our joint home and telling my ex to pay the whole of our joint mortgage despite him basically telling me to get out of our house and making my life a living hell - I threatened him with court for occupational rent if he didn't pay as he had the house and I couldn't go back there because of him.

You are worth 10000 of him. You are amazing and you will believe it one day. you will be so strong once this is over and you have recovered. I promise you.

You dodged a bullet.

Please read up on the term "intermittent reinforcement" especially within abusive situations and also the term "trauma bond" and you will see what has happened here immediately.

It's confusing isn't it when they are nice then shitty, then blame you, then have plausible reasons for their own behaviour but read about this phenomenon and I promise it will help you understand. Read especially about the effects of intermittent reinforcement in studies.

Here is an article to start you off

https://psychcentral.com/blog/recovering-narcissist/2019/03/narcissists-use-trauma-bonding-and-intermittent-reinforcement-to-get-you-addicted-to-them-why-abuse-survivors-stay#:~:text=Intermittent%20reinforcement%20(in%20the%20context,unpredictably%20throughout%20the%20abuse%20cycle.

There was an affair years ago he begged for forgiveness. Out life moved on I waited 7 years after this before we had children. The rest of the affairs came out recently previously there were instances of messages etc but he is a master manipulator and I honestly thought I was crazy and unreasonable. He can be so nice. I mean incredibly financially generous, will ply you with gifts but then can the next moment have you in tears but blaming it on you and that it’s my mental health problems.

I guess I never truly knew what he was getting up to whilst away but it’s an industry heavily involved in drinking and drugs. He would call me from hotels and reinforce he was being utterly boring watching a film. Having a bath. It was lies.