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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Dp accuses me of lying 24/7

123 replies

Fornahl89 · 13/01/2024 20:47

Little rant…

dp constantly accuses me of things, mostly very small petty things. For example, he returned home from work this evening, I have been alone with dc all day (like usual) the home is clean and tidy, his food is cooked for him etc. he calls me to the bedroom and accuses me of ‘touching’ a gift bag of his in our room. It is not ever an accusation he TELLS me I HAVE touched it and I tell him I haven’t then he continues to repeat himself multiple times asking if I have touched it. I continue to tell him no but he gets visibly more annoyed and aggravated about this as he genuinely believes I am lying. In the end I feel worried to continue telling the truth and something wonder if it’s easier to take the blame for something I haven’t done - because no matter what I say he will believe what he wants.

this turned into a very big issue, he TOLD me I have touched it, have looked through the bag as things haven’t apparently fallen out. 100% I have not touched it, I don’t go to his side of the room and nobody else ever enters the room. I know he has obviously touched it, this is an example of the same thing that happens almost every day. He will do something, he won’t remember and then I will get the blame for it. Sometimes it can be as simple as a bottle of cola in the fridge that he has drink down to 1/4 full, he’ll leave it in the fridge then blame me and tell me I am lazy for putting 1/4 drink back in the fridge (even though he has done it and doesn’t remember!) there’s been times I have actually taken photos to prove as I know he’ll blame me.

that’s not really the issue though…. The problem is why does he get so angry over such silly things? We live in the same home, I should be able to go to ‘his side’ of the room if necessary, it shouldn’t be an issue if I touch his things. Why would he be so angry that I touched a gift that a client has bought him?

after this evening I’m really not sure what to do, it was a very big problem, I ended in tears trying to tell him I promise I haven’t touched anything, he swore and insulted me and told me I need to stop lying all the time, when I cried he told me I’m an emotional mess and that he shouldn’t have come home early (he returned home at 6pm from work - it’s usually 8/9pm on a Saturday. I’m constantly alone).

sometimes I feel at a loss of what to do, how can I possibly keep taking the blame for things I haven’t done? How can I keep trying to defend myself/repeatedly say I haven’t done something when he gets so mad and only believes what he wants anyway?

OP posts:
FancyJapflack · 13/01/2024 20:48

LTB.

Yougetmoreofwhatyoufocuson · 13/01/2024 20:50

It’s probably him that is a constant liar. He’s projecting his faults on to you.

He does it because he’s an abuser, he doesn’t respect you.

Fornahl89 · 13/01/2024 20:50

I should also add - there have been multiple occasions he has accused me of stealing some of his cash too… I have promised him that in all the years we have been together I have never taken even 1penny of his money.

OP posts:
OliveToboogie · 13/01/2024 20:51

He either has onset dementia or he is gaslighting you.

Fornahl89 · 13/01/2024 20:52

OliveToboogie · 13/01/2024 20:51

He either has onset dementia or he is gaslighting you.

But what would be the need to gaslight over tiny irrelevant subjects? I’d understand bigger issues, and he has done that before. But why gaslight over tiny extremely random things? It is as if he genuinely believes I am lying

OP posts:
Lucy377 · 13/01/2024 20:54

This sounds really really odd and not normal.
Have you kids?
He sounds paranoid.

He's reduced you to tears.
He's emotionally abusing you.

Have you anywhere else to go and stay?

Brefugee · 13/01/2024 20:54

you have to leave, he is trying to keep you unbalanced and worried
It is not a good environment for your children to grow up in

Lucy377 · 13/01/2024 20:56

He's just finding a way to control you or he has weird intrusive thoughts about you as his persecutor.

He's a horrible bully.

It's quite scary really.

Hatty65 · 13/01/2024 20:56

I'd end the relationship. I wouldn't remain with any man who spoke to me like this, or repeatedly accused me of lying to him.

You can do better. He's abusive, and won't improve. Leave.

StSwithinsDay · 13/01/2024 20:58

Can you leave him? He is destroying you.

Fornahl89 · 13/01/2024 20:58

Lucy377 · 13/01/2024 20:54

This sounds really really odd and not normal.
Have you kids?
He sounds paranoid.

He's reduced you to tears.
He's emotionally abusing you.

Have you anywhere else to go and stay?

Yes we do. It is very odd and so many things that to me is not normal. Simple things such as being able to go over to his side of the bedroom, I can’t imagine others couples not being able to do that, it’s weird to me. Not being able to share the same coat wrack in the bedroom, I have to have my thing’s separately from his, he doesn’t put his toothbrushes with the rest of ours, I can’t share any of his things unless he wants to give me something, when he’s almost finished a can of deodorant he’ll give me the last dreds left in the can. So many things that I find very strange but to him he thinks it’s normal, but also he has been mostly on his own his whole life and never had to share so maybe he doesn’t really know different??

OP posts:
Trilateralcommission · 13/01/2024 20:59

all the best op, that said recommend getting cctv for communal areas, then he cannot argue with you

StSwithinsDay · 13/01/2024 21:00

Do you have your own money?

ShippingNews · 13/01/2024 21:00

How old is he ? this honestly sounds like early onset dementia. The memory lapses, the accusations , the anger - it all sounds exactly like dementia. Look it up on Google, it's all there. I work in that field, and it's not only old people who get dementia . I'd personally be getting him to the GP to get investigated. Good luck.

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 13/01/2024 21:02

Or undiagnosed OCD maybe....or he's just an arsehole. I married someone similar. Suffice to say we are no longer married. Run like hell, it doesn't matter why he does it, it's abusive.

Mrsgreen100 · 13/01/2024 21:02

He’s got NPD or similar, he will I’m sure keep this up until you a completely broken you
save up make plans to leave (quietly, don’t say anything to him yet)
please don’t bring kids up around this kind of crazy
no point, trying to reason with this guy, just reply with oh yes, okay absolutely!
get free please

ItsBeenRaining · 13/01/2024 21:03

FancyJapflack · 13/01/2024 20:48

LTB.

This.

He really is a cunt.

Needanewnamebeingwatched · 13/01/2024 21:03

Fornahl89 · 13/01/2024 20:52

But what would be the need to gaslight over tiny irrelevant subjects? I’d understand bigger issues, and he has done that before. But why gaslight over tiny extremely random things? It is as if he genuinely believes I am lying

The little tiny things will unnerved you more as he will get you questioning yourself.

If it was a big thing like he says you moved the car, but you haven't been outside, it wouldn't have as much impact

Stating you moved something will have you thinking, did I? I can't remember, maybe I did.

He wants you unbalanced, he finds it fun, like a cat playing with a mouse, just enough not to kill it.

He sounds dangerous, I would start keeping a log of everything he does and makes moves to leave him.

ArnieLinson · 13/01/2024 21:04

He doesnt like you. He probably hates women in general. He is gaslighting you. He is setting you up to be the crazy, emotional, lying thieving one. No doubt all his colleagues and friends think he is a saint for putting up with you.

tbh he sounds dangerous.

what do you get from the relationship? How often are you happy with him?

NotSuchASmugMarriedAnymore · 13/01/2024 21:04

Your partner or husband is supposed to be the person who loves you most and wants to take care of you and for you to be happy. Really, whats the point in having a partner if they just don't care about you?

StSwithinsDay · 13/01/2024 21:04

Can you imagine the harm this will do to your children, having to live with a man like this?

Temporaryname158 · 13/01/2024 21:06

What on Earth are you putting up with this shit for?

You are keeping the home and children and are being marginalised, abused, negged, and the children are seeing and hearing this.

is it your property? Can you throw him out? Or leave yourself?

you need to leave this relationship asap!

Changingplace · 13/01/2024 21:07

He’s looking for ways to control you and break you down, does he do this to your kids too? This is no way to live, I’d be working out when and how you can leave, it’s not normal, any of this.

RitzyMcFee · 13/01/2024 21:12

What the actual fuck!

Leave him. You have to leave him. This is no way to live. Is this how you want your children to grow up?

2Old2Tango · 13/01/2024 21:12

This man is an abuser and will wear you down until you become a shell of your old self.

The worrying thing is it seems you are not married and are possibly a SAHM? What is the situation with regards to home and finances? Are you a joint owner of your home? Do you have joint accounts?

Personally I wouldn't stay with this man. Your DC will learn this is an acceptable way to treat women.