Dp accuses me of lying 24/7

[Fornahl89]

Little rant…

dp constantly accuses me of things, mostly very small petty things. For example, he returned home from work this evening, I have been alone with dc all day (like usual) the home is clean and tidy, his food is cooked for him etc. he calls me to the bedroom and accuses me of ‘touching’ a gift bag of his in our room. It is not ever an accusation he TELLS me I HAVE touched it and I tell him I haven’t then he continues to repeat himself multiple times asking if I have touched it. I continue to tell him no but he gets visibly more annoyed and aggravated about this as he genuinely believes I am lying. In the end I feel worried to continue telling the truth and something wonder if it’s easier to take the blame for something I haven’t done - because no matter what I say he will believe what he wants.

this turned into a very big issue, he TOLD me I have touched it, have looked through the bag as things haven’t apparently fallen out. 100% I have not touched it, I don’t go to his side of the room and nobody else ever enters the room. I know he has obviously touched it, this is an example of the same thing that happens almost every day. He will do something, he won’t remember and then I will get the blame for it. Sometimes it can be as simple as a bottle of cola in the fridge that he has drink down to 1/4 full, he’ll leave it in the fridge then blame me and tell me I am lazy for putting 1/4 drink back in the fridge (even though he has done it and doesn’t remember!) there’s been times I have actually taken photos to prove as I know he’ll blame me.

that’s not really the issue though…. The problem is why does he get so angry over such silly things? We live in the same home, I should be able to go to ‘his side’ of the room if necessary, it shouldn’t be an issue if I touch his things. Why would he be so angry that I touched a gift that a client has bought him?

after this evening I’m really not sure what to do, it was a very big problem, I ended in tears trying to tell him I promise I haven’t touched anything, he swore and insulted me and told me I need to stop lying all the time, when I cried he told me I’m an emotional mess and that he shouldn’t have come home early (he returned home at 6pm from work - it’s usually 8/9pm on a Saturday. I’m constantly alone).

sometimes I feel at a loss of what to do, how can I possibly keep taking the blame for things I haven’t done? How can I keep trying to defend myself/repeatedly say I haven’t done something when he gets so mad and only believes what he wants anyway?

Have you family or friends who you can speak to about this? He sounds unstable.

You shouldn't have to live like this it's not normal at all. He's treating you with contempt and suspicion in your own home. This type of individual should've remained single tbh

You clearly do not understand that this is abuse, OP.

But it is. It is a sustained campaign designed to break you. He wants you to be afraid of him. He wants to hear you defend yourself and see you cry. He wants to make you feel bewildered and on the back foot and disempowered and unequal. It makes him feel superior and powerful.

The Women's Aid number is 0808 2000 247.

Call them. Leave a number. They will call you back. If not, try again.

How old is he (and you)?

Can you tell us more about your relationship as a whole - how is he with finances for example, what is your housing situation?

Well this is emotional abuse.

I hope you find a way out of it.

OMG this sounds horrendous! You just can't keep living like this.

He's enjoying tormenting you, so you need to stop trying to defend yourself all the time, just say no ONCE, you have seen or touched his stuff, then walk away and say no more, but please make plans to leave him, as this is not normal.

He's an abusive gaslighter. Get the fuck out before he starts punching you into submission.

Sorry to read this OP. He is an abusive fucker. I would make an exit plan. Don't let him know about it. Well done for posting on here. You can get good support here.

Some well meaning but unsafe advice here. OP - the only thing you need to do is focus on making sure you and your children are safe. Emotional harm is a threat to your safety as much as physical harm is. As others have said, he's deliberately gaslighting you in small ways to break you down and to keep you in a constant state of uncertainty. I suspect he probably does bigger things that you may start to overlook because he constantly has you questioning your own sanity through this lower level gaslighting.

Please don't install CCTV inside - an abuser would turn it against you because you've taken away one of his methods of control. He'll likely end up snooping on you and find other things to criticise you for. Don't directly challenge him about his mental health. Don't tell him you're leaving before you do so, that can create more danger. Don't agree to counselling. It doesn't work in cases of domestic abuse.

Please reach out to someone for advice like Women's Aid or Refuge. Do talk to a trusted friend to let them know what's happening and to agree ways you can alert them if something goes wrong. Do be prepared to call the police and use the silent solution (press 55 when the operator answers) if you can't talk. Don't write anything down, don't leave usernames/passwords/search history available for him to find. Nobody can force you to leave, but the reality is that your life will not get better until you do.

Has he always been like this or has it got worse over time? Are there any particular triggers for the abuse (e.g. football team lost, drug taking, alcohol abuse - and has anything like that got worse?). You can get dementia and have a great memory for things from years ago, and also sometimes recent things, especially in the early stages. Regardless, what he’s doing is abusive and not something you want your children to be brought up around.

He may have OCD, OP. But ultimately he's abusing you. If he accepted he had a problem, and sought help, I'd have some sympathy that things out of place cause him anxiety, but he's repeatedly calling you a liar. That's abuse. I'm so sorry he makes you feel like you have to prove your innocence. ❤

My partner of nearly 15 years has diagnosed OCD. He's never acted like this.

Why the hell are you entertaining it for even a second?

This scares me, you need to get the hell away from him before he hurts you and starts on your children.

He did blame me for ‘answering back’
answering back?! Youre not his teenage child.

he is a bully.

Yes, it's not any underlying OCD that is causing him to accuse the OP of lying. I meant in terms of separating things etc. I'm sorry if I made it sound like I thought that. It's abuse.

He did blame me for ‘answering back’ even though I tried to explain I wasn’t answering back I was simply replying that I’m not lying when he was accusing me

This statement gave me chills. Please call a womens aid organization as soon as you can and be sure to wipe the record from your phone. This sounds dangerous, as it sounds like the expectation is you should just accept whatever he says. Please please take the advice on here seriously and contact an agency which supports abused women.

My narcissistic ex used to behave exactly like this. He would accuse us all of drinking "his" cans of pop in the fridge. Or that someone had been in "his" drawer in the bedroom. Or when one of the kids had a friend over for tea he would say that one of his cans of deodorant or hair gel had gone missing. When he couldn't find certain items sometimes like a remote control or car keys or something I'd sometimes help him to look for them. If I was the one that found them then I got accused of hiding them because he'd already looked in that place.

I also caught him a few times unlocking the front door on a morning just so that he could have a go at everyone for leaving it open all night. Absolute fucking weirdo.

GET RID. It's honestly not worth your sanity. It took me well over a year after getting rid of him until I felt able to make the most basic decisions again. Even stuff like which cleaning product to buy or which clothes for the children. My head was that messed up by the constant gaslighting it is terrifying.

"Please don't install CCTV inside - an abuser would turn it against you because you've taken away one of his methods of control."

If that's referring to my point about a nannycam then I'm afraid I've been misunderstood.

My point was, how extreme will your life have to get, if you keep living with this man...is the next step the most extreme of feeling you have to prove your every move in some way?

If he doesn't act like this at work or with friends/family, then he is deliberately being an abusive twat.

Surely you can see this is not normal.
Please leave or phone womens aid ASAP.
Life will not get better until you do.

The only way this will stop
is for you to leave it all behind- plan quietly and do it decisively. Speak to family and friends in RL

You can’t live your life like this. Are you able to talk to him about his behaviour safely? If so then the next time you’re both relaxed and happy explain that you have significant concerns about his mental health and want him to seek help, and that regardless of the cause you can’t be with someone who is constantly attacking you for things you haven’t done. If it’s not safe to have this conversation then make plans to leave asap.

sometimes I feel at a loss of what to do, how can I possibly keep taking the blame for things I haven’t done?

What you do is start making plans to LTB

It can't

This is only the calm before the storm before he does it again

Do you have friends and family you can talk to?

What is your housing/work situation?

Please leave this utter loser. You don't deserve to be miserable when life is so short. There are many nice men out there, don't stick with this one who doesn't deserve any woman.