Dp accuses me of lying 24/7

[Fornahl89]

Little rant…

dp constantly accuses me of things, mostly very small petty things. For example, he returned home from work this evening, I have been alone with dc all day (like usual) the home is clean and tidy, his food is cooked for him etc. he calls me to the bedroom and accuses me of ‘touching’ a gift bag of his in our room. It is not ever an accusation he TELLS me I HAVE touched it and I tell him I haven’t then he continues to repeat himself multiple times asking if I have touched it. I continue to tell him no but he gets visibly more annoyed and aggravated about this as he genuinely believes I am lying. In the end I feel worried to continue telling the truth and something wonder if it’s easier to take the blame for something I haven’t done - because no matter what I say he will believe what he wants.

this turned into a very big issue, he TOLD me I have touched it, have looked through the bag as things haven’t apparently fallen out. 100% I have not touched it, I don’t go to his side of the room and nobody else ever enters the room. I know he has obviously touched it, this is an example of the same thing that happens almost every day. He will do something, he won’t remember and then I will get the blame for it. Sometimes it can be as simple as a bottle of cola in the fridge that he has drink down to 1/4 full, he’ll leave it in the fridge then blame me and tell me I am lazy for putting 1/4 drink back in the fridge (even though he has done it and doesn’t remember!) there’s been times I have actually taken photos to prove as I know he’ll blame me.

that’s not really the issue though…. The problem is why does he get so angry over such silly things? We live in the same home, I should be able to go to ‘his side’ of the room if necessary, it shouldn’t be an issue if I touch his things. Why would he be so angry that I touched a gift that a client has bought him?

after this evening I’m really not sure what to do, it was a very big problem, I ended in tears trying to tell him I promise I haven’t touched anything, he swore and insulted me and told me I need to stop lying all the time, when I cried he told me I’m an emotional mess and that he shouldn’t have come home early (he returned home at 6pm from work - it’s usually 8/9pm on a Saturday. I’m constantly alone).

sometimes I feel at a loss of what to do, how can I possibly keep taking the blame for things I haven’t done? How can I keep trying to defend myself/repeatedly say I haven’t done something when he gets so mad and only believes what he wants anyway?

Run. Don't look back.

I think you've established this isn't normal op.

Do you think you could get in touch with WA, or the DV abuse line.

The Samaritans also is good to talk things out.

Make one small step please.

He's abusing you. He's trying to make you question yourself own sanity. He's trying to make you second guess yourself. He's playing games with you and likes the control it gives him. He feels powerful because he illicited a response. He made you cry because he wanted to. Leave him. But prepare first because men like this can be very hard and dangerous to leave.

He sounds like he has me tal health and/or personality issues.

These are rarely solved, and would require the person to want them to be solved.

I'd be setting yourself up to leave in as least damaging to you a way as possible. I don't know how you've been coping with this to date. It's abuse, whether it's intended to be or not.

Because if he is doing this purposefully he knows the constant tiny things are what will eventually grind you down and break you. How do you really feel about it? Has he a history of this?

If its intentional you need stop engaging with him, go grey rock. At least to give yourself some headspace while you decide what you want to do here.

Stop rushing in to defend yourself and keep to a few short firm but polite phrases....e.g "I'm afraid you are mistaken" and leave the room.

You are currently taking photos to prove your innocence in your own family home. You are being taken to task over flat bottles of coke. Even if you had gone into his "gift bag" so f*cking what? Is he 7? Does touching things give them the lurgy?

What will be next - installing nanny cams and watching 9 hours of footage to prove your innocence on the most banal issues?

This is no life op.

Weed user op?

Is he a drug user? He sounds like someone who smokes weed/takes coke. It must be exhausting to live with.

Do you wonder why he wants to stay with you if he genuinely believes you to be a liar?

IMO he knows he is wrong/he is paranoid, and that’s why he hasn’t left you.

Does he do the same to the children?

It could be so many things but You know that this is an awful environment for both you and your dc? You can’t carry on like this.

Leave him but leave your problems behind.

I would start messing with his stuff whilst planning to leave...

Why do people like him do that sort of thing?

Because they are evil bastards who enjoy the feeling of power it gives them. They get a kick out of upsetting you, and when you try and stick up for yourself, they turn on you and tell you that you are the crazy one, the liar, whatever.

Because that’s what gaslighting is. They chip away at you, lie about ridiculous things and make you question yourself.

he swore and insulted me and told me I need to stop lying all the time, when I cried he told me I’m an emotional mess and that he shouldn’t have come home early (he returned home at 6pm from work -

He sounds like an abusive jerk. There is no need for these conversations to become personal like this, or for him to be calling you names.

But why gaslight over tiny extremely random things?

Either he has a thought disorder or he is an abusive man. My money is on the latter given his language and demeanor to you.

Ask him: if you think I’m a liar and a thief, what on earth are you still doing here? Get shot of this horrible man. You have one life and a duty to yourself and your kids to make yourself as happy as you can - he doesn’t sound like he adds to your life experience.

You need to make plans to end this relationship.

This man is either delusional and possibly dangerous, or he is indulging in a hobby that involves making you afraid of him.

You do not have to live like this.
Make a promise to yourself that you will get out.

Do you have a job?
Who owns your home?

but also he has been mostly on his own his whole life and never had to share so maybe he doesn’t really know different??

No. Just no. No adult human does not know this stuff, wherever they lived before.

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/DARVO

F

I don’t think it could be dementia - he has a brilliant memory (can remember little details of his childhood etc) unlike me. I do believe he has some form of mental health issue / personality issue or OCD. I’m not quite sure how ocd gets diagnosed but he has ALWAYS been very particular about his things/how they are laid out in his room since I first met him and would notice if even 1 of his things moved an inch!

but I am not sure how ocd would cause him to keep accusing me of things I haven’t done? For example, if he thinks I have stolen money he could just count it and realise I haven’t? Or he has his own separate box of snacks in the bedroom for himself, he will constantly accuse me of stealing snacks from inside but he could just check and prove that I haven’t???

after that altercation he has now settled down, and is behaving more normal and relaxed now. He did blame me for ‘answering back’ even though I tried to explain I wasn’t answering back I was simply replying that I’m not lying when he was accusing me

I do realise this is bad as this evening has made me feel awful and I don’t see how a relationship can function this way, how we can progress and live together with such selfishness and anger of the thought I have potentially touched something of his

Something does sound very amiss with him. I'd insist he seeks medical help of I'd be looking to separate. Has he always been like this?

The next time he does this, stand up straight, stare at him very coldly, and tell him there is something seriously wrong with him.

Do not engage with him on the subject he has chosen to use for his cruel pastime. He's choosing things at random. He doesn't believe his bullshit.

He will continue to attack you. Continue to tell him there is something wrong with him. Repeat this like a broken record.

Do not address the topic he is trying abuse you with.

He sounds absolutely awful, OP. I'm not sure how you're not driven mad by it.

Do you have someone you can talk to about this? Do you have family you could go to?

He’s gaslighting you to try and mentally break you down so that you’re too scared to do anything and he’ll end up owning you. He sounds like a twat.

This will escalate, you will not survive mentally if you don't leave. Speak to Women's Aid when he is not about. He is very unwell and could be dangerous if he thinks you are going to split.

Much as I respect @mathanxiety's advice generally, might her suggestion escalate the situation? Could he turn physical?

My advice is to get out as soon as you possibly can. I appreciate that may not be easy to do.