Newish partner confessed previous addiction

[Pinacool]

I’m in a relatively new relationship (4 months) with my BF and things have been going really well. We met yesterday and he unexpectedly told me that he had had a drug problem in the past and that he thought I should know because he didn’t want to keep it from me. I hadn’t expected this at all so it did come as a shock to me, and to be honest I know very little about this because my only experience with drugs is having smoked the odd joint every couple of years when I was younger.
Of course I appreciate him telling me but I am not sure what to make of it, and I am feeling a bit upset about it. There was a reason why he decided to tell me, but the bottom line is that he is not taking any drugs, he is attending AN meetings and that he is embarrassed about it. He is probably the calmest and logical person I know, and he has his life together but I also know that there is a lot I don’t know about addictions and everything that comes with it.
This is not something that fully “disappears”, is it? Is anyone here with someone who has overcome addiction or has overcome it themselves? I just want to understand it better because I don’t think I really understand what it’s like…thank you

I applaud his honesty (if rather late......). If you want to get a better understanding why not contact NA? They support family and friends of addicts as well as the addict.

Attending NA is good, it means they’re taking recovery seriously. There are no guarantees with addiction (a bit like life) but it’s a v good sign. You could ask him how long he has been clean, what made him realise there was a problem, what possible future triggers there might be to relapse, how he will spot these and manage them without taking drugs. Also be alert to other signs of concern: mood swings, going AWOL, erratic behaviour. People change. As a rule of thumb if he’s been clean less than 6 months then I wouldn’t be interested. However, bear in mind if he does start using again he will probably lie about it.

I had an ex in NA. He was very honest from the moment we met, and this is part of becoming NA.

The first thing he explained was that he was clean and had been for almost five years. But an addict is an addict for life and is either in active addiction or not. They can be clean for 30 years and fall straight back into active addiction for no reason. He made it clear that no matter how much he ended up loving me or any children we'd have, there's always something an addict will love more - drugs.

I applauded his honesty, we continued dating, and I attended some meetings, which, if I'm honest, made me uncomfortable as old drunk/drug addicted men were hugging the very young girls there Hugging is part of aa and na. But I was grateful to be welcomed.

Ultimately, he struggled with real life. He found it boring (as he wasn't off his nut on drugs) had no passion, and he seemed unhappy.l and to be faking his way through life. He used to ask me what he should think about things, he had no opinions, he hadn't lived.

I wasn't fulfilled, so we remained friends. And I wished him all the best. He had been in and out of rehab a few times, his poor father had paid. It was very sad. I wouldn't have risked children but everyone and every situation is different.

It's great he's been honest xx

Hes been honest and he’s attended NA which are both to be applauded.

I’ve never taken illegal drugs but being in the house music scene all my life I’ve been around so many who took various substances.

I have two close friends who both admitted their addiction and went into rehab. One is 15 Yeats completely drug and alcohol free the other is 12 years. So yes it can be done with strength and determination and above all honesty.

Which drugs?

People in recovery, like actually sober and engaging in living an authentic healthy life, are some of the most truthful and together people I know. Speaking as someone who is sober now, it’s great he has been able to be open with you and I think it sounds like the timing was well thought out. As long as he isn’t very newly sober (just in the past few months) and he continues to go what he needs to do, I wouldn’t have any concerns. Lots of people do drugs recreationally. The great thing about someone who is in recovery and doing well is that you shouldn’t need to worry about them ‘partying’ every weekend like a lot of their peers probably do.

F

Hmm. I would want to understand which drugs.

If he's functioning and healthy, is holding down a job and has healthy friends, and has been clean for well over a year then I'd give him a chance but ask him to make sure his bloods are clear and had no stis (as you should anyway, I suppose) before giving up the condoms.

You can find out a lot by attending family support groups. I am not sure this is something MN can provide you with actual knowledge of, font of information though it is, but people might have ideas of where to go to get it.

Proceed with caution. It’s perfectly possibly to be in life long recovery from addiction, but not everyone manages it. I would be looking for evidence that he is experiencing joy and engagement with life.

Thank you. He said that he is almost 6 years off it, so not recent at all. As I said I never would have known or even suspected anything. It’s cocaine btw.
We did an STI check both so we know that we are both clear, and he seems very grounded overall (more than I am for sure).

He was at a work night out on Wednesday and tried calling me late but I didn’t hear as I was already asleep. He left me a slightly drunk but nice voicemail as he was walking back to the hotel. He seemed down the next day when we met and that’s when he told me. He said that he had left when he noticed that there’d be drugs but that he felt sad then and also guilty that I didn’t know.

Thanks it’s a good idea about NA if he isn’t too embarrassed

How long ago and which drugs?

However, as a pp said an addict is always an addict - no matter how long they have been clean/sober. That means there may always be an element of waiting to see whether it happens. And you have to be able to live with that anxiety because if you can’t there will be no trust, you may become more controlling than you want to be and the relationship is basically doomed.

If it has been years he may be very reflective and very aware of himself and of you and your feelings - and you may feel secure that it isn’t going to happen again. If it’s earlier days it may be rockier.

I find it off that he didn't tell you for 4 months. I also find the time of revealing this after a drunk call he probably doesn't remember so only told you when he feared he outted himself?
Drinking when you have an addiction is not wise at all as thats when your guard is down to fight temptation additionally, often there is addiction transfer so he should stop all addictive substances full stop.

Lastly, people seem to think in recovery means you never have a slip or a lapse again, this isn't true. Recovery is not linear, it's almost never a long term, perfect sober streak because it is extremely rare to never ever use again overnight...often there are plenty of lapses.

Attending a support group is great but it doesn't guarantee he won't use again.

I would be suspiscious that he isnt telling the whole truth because if he had been in successful recovery for nearly 6 years he would have had enough knowledge and group feedback on how everyone is navigating new partners and recovery... and more importantly dealt with shame and working on accepting it as shame is one of the emotions that seem to make people go back to using, so i dont accept the shame excuse because he is a recovery veteran really.. he could have spoken to his sponsor and had advice to disclose early. I would expect this nervousness to reveal would be from someone a year in recovery.

He might be lying and used that night out or might be having beer fear, either way its crazy to drink when you have a coke addiction.

If you want to keep seeing him expect that he might use again one day or switch addictions because he hasn't made peace with shame. He hasn't fully accepted himself. He should have told you the first month.

Isn't it a bit weird when drunk he tells you. Maybe feeling guilty because he used that night.

To me there 'I am in my late forties and when I was in my early 20's for 5 years I was a drug addict, I am in NA and have not touched a thing ever since'

And 'I am an addict and every few years I go off on one and cause trouble then get clean and the cycle continues'

Type things, I have no issues with the first

I would want to know the full story and why he had taken 4 months to tell you. You're entitled not to necessarily want to be with a former coke addict (I would be put off) or to hear the full story and make up your mind about whom you're getting to know first. It's a long time for you to be thinking you're in a straightforward relationship and doesn't indicate a great relationship with the truth. I appreciate he may not want to tell every first date but there's a balance between that and taking 4 months. It just doesn't seem a very controlled way of having that difficult conversation.

Sorry to say I find some responses a bit naive. Not too say dating an ex addict would be insurmountable but I would not be 'applauding' this man. He should have been honest with you sooner due to the possibility of relapse that always exists. Is he saying he stopped using 6 years ago and that's that? Sanitising the truth a bit?

Lapses dont even have to be dramatic, it could be hidden with luckily minimal or no real damage like a sip of alcohol instead of a full on binge and then killing someone with drunk driving.

If he had done sufficient work and his sobriety was successful for nearly 6 years he would have processed shame, told you much sooner and would not be drinking or smoking weed etc, basically he would be avoiding taking any addictive substances as a lifestyle. This suggests he lapsed on that night out or he has been lapsing dont be blinded by the 6 years ago, his last use might not have been 6 years ago he might be counting it from when he first joined NA. He might not have admitted his lapses fully to NA.
The timing of the disclosure is fishy.

Also with STI test, some things are not routinely tested unless you disclose injecting drugs or sex with men for example.. hepatitis for example should be tested for. If he hid this until he felt compelled (found out? Or feared you might hear from coworkers?) What else is he hiding to reveal at his own convenience?!

@Wasywasydoodah post is very good one to consirder and reflect too,

@Westsussex also is insightful good post too,

May take on this that it's a good sign that he is being honest straight with you, it shows emotional maturity,

following on from these two posts points they have brought up,
would be what healthier alternatives for escapism to replace the drug addiction does he actively do now or would seriously consirder nowadays instead?

Such as creative Arts, or could be something else could be participating in a,game of chess and other retro board games sessions as this is,quite popular interest in certain pubs night out,

He could have obviously other hobbies interests such as Geeks 🤓 dungeons and dragons game or dressing up historical re ancient reenactment ect

Whatever it is hobbies interests wise ,

My no fear would if he was going through stressful time depending the severity of this and how long it went on for he could relapse into taking up drugs, again like before, or just take less hardcore drug, such as smoking "joints or equally just swapping drug addiction for another type of addiction alternatives".

@Pinacool

I would be interested curious, 🤔 what initially got him first into this drug addiction in the first place?

What experience happened beforehand to trigger this addiction to happen,
that type of thing?

Was it adverse disvantageous circumstances such as shit childhood or and teenage years experiences such as experincing close family bereavement or other traumas,

or
was it dabble into drugs off the rails being a teenager hanging around with gang or something else experience,

@Pinacool

If he said to you when he feeling stressed out cause of life can be stressful

that he smokes the occasionally joints or sometimes does this?

What would your reactions feeling about this 🤔 kind of senerio?

@Ladyj84

I see alchol as the truth teller drink

lowering your social inhibitions ( social mask facade people have to fit into what is expected of them by society's norms conventions ...

@Pinacool

If his drug addiction started off cause of having adverse life experiences another words shit life experinces,

Has he had therepy to address this kind of issue to help heal from whatever trauma created the conditions of this kind of addiction?

Oh he didn’t tell me when he was drunk. He told me the next day and said he’d called because he felt low and didn’t want to be alone. He did call his sponsor too. I can understand why he felt low.

He has hobbies and interests, and admits that he has an addictive personality and that he has to watch things and limit them when he notices that he is getting sucked in.
He now exercises a lot but he always seems to be doing something when he is on his own.

Thanks these are good points. He did say that I can ask him anything about it and that he understands if I need time.

I can see pp applauding him for honesty but I don't see that at all. He's taken 4 months to share something such a big part of his life and only did it after a drunk night out. That's not maturity or honesty but drunken guilt.

If 4 months in, he told you he was still married but separated from his ex, or he had kids, would that seem honest or mature? Being upfront with partners EARLY on is a part of recovery as well and 6 years is enough time for him to have made peace with it.

Also - for a drug addict to be at a party with drugs and get drunk around it, does not seem reasonable to me. Unless it's a brand new job and the first time he's been out with them, he would know if they did drugs or not. It's not a normal work place where drugs come out with colleagues - especially when you don't know if they do it or not. It normally happens in trusted circles where everyone does it or has in the past. So that entire story seems suspect to me.

I know you think he's very grounded and logical but that's the now. The fact he was very down the next day also seems a bit odd - down about what? I don't believe it's because he wasn't honest with you...That sounds like a comedown to me. Cocaine can leave you feeling guilty and depressed chemically. It's powerful stuff and would explain his sudden desire to be honest.

Tread carefully.