Newish partner confessed previous addiction

[Pinacool]

I’m in a relatively new relationship (4 months) with my BF and things have been going really well. We met yesterday and he unexpectedly told me that he had had a drug problem in the past and that he thought I should know because he didn’t want to keep it from me. I hadn’t expected this at all so it did come as a shock to me, and to be honest I know very little about this because my only experience with drugs is having smoked the odd joint every couple of years when I was younger.
Of course I appreciate him telling me but I am not sure what to make of it, and I am feeling a bit upset about it. There was a reason why he decided to tell me, but the bottom line is that he is not taking any drugs, he is attending AN meetings and that he is embarrassed about it. He is probably the calmest and logical person I know, and he has his life together but I also know that there is a lot I don’t know about addictions and everything that comes with it.
This is not something that fully “disappears”, is it? Is anyone here with someone who has overcome addiction or has overcome it themselves? I just want to understand it better because I don’t think I really understand what it’s like…thank you

People berating him for waiting 4 months, he probably wanted to make sure he wanted a real relationship with the woman before he shared his deepest secrets. You really expect him to rock up with 'I'm an ex drug addict' on a first date? He could scare off the love of his life.
I would absolutely wait too.

It's likely he didn't know or remember the full extent of what he said on the voicemail and was worried he may have confessed something. Either way for an addict to be drinking around drugs to the point of drunkenness is not advisable.

Also I know a lot of people who struggle with addictive personalities in my running club who are ALWAYS off doing something. They can't be alone with their thoughts or stay still as there's always fear of a relapse. And it can be exhausting in a relationship with them if you're not wired as they are - because you either have to do the same things or spend a lot of time alone while they're off. Not sure if you want kids, but that lifestyle isn't compatible with raising a family unless you want to do all the work.

I have a life event that would be big news in a relationship and may make a man reconsider the relationship and I absolutely would not share this part of my past with anyone I didn't absolutely trust. And trust takes time.

When my relative was in rehab for drugs) 2 decades although), drinking was also not allowed as it does the same thing of removing someone from their reality. I thought that if you needed to become 'sober' , that would need to include all mild altering substances? Inc alcohol? Might be outdated though.

I don't have thing I have personally done I would need to tell but I have other things it might make me take time to tell someone so I agree with you

If his only addiction was cocaine and he leaves a party when he knows people are partaking I see no reason he shouldn't be drinking. If the drinking was causing him to relapse into cocaine then yes, but he obviously still has the ability to say no when drunk.

He left me a slightly drunk but nice voicemail...

He's an addict and he's drinking? I would be running for the hills if I were you.

It's not all about you. It's about what's best for the other person too and making sure they have all the information to decide if you're the right person for them or not. If your life event doesn't impact the other person then fair enough. A past drug addiction absolutely impacts the other person. You can't withhold the truth to get into a relationship, because all it does is create seeds of doubt and upset for the other person.

No not at first date but it should be on date 2 or 3 certainly before sex.
It shouldn't be a dark secret if you've done the recovery work as long as her bf had and if they are the love of your life, they will understand. What a greater way to test compatibility and true love than be honest?

In terms of your 'event' it would depend on what it is whether it's reasonable to hold off disclosing and for how long.

Trust is built on vulnerability, you're holding all the cards watching them studying their worthiness of this info, meanwhile they have no idea. Depending on what your secret is it could be lying by omission or totally inconsequential.

Personally it would be a no from me. If I wanted to build a life and have children, I wouldn’t take the risk. 4 months is nothing.

NA defines abstinence as not using any drugs or alcohol.

He is not 5 years clean if he's drinking.

Having a sibling who's an addict. My advice would be to run but if you must keep seeing him then id do so with extreme caution. He's already admitted that he has an addictive personality and you've noticed that he's always doing something when he's alone. These aren't the signs of someone who has over come their addiction. Just that they've swapped it for a different one but just because it's not drink/ drugs / gambling doesn't mean its any less destructive and wont intere will normal life.

I think it's perfectly reasonable to wait a few months before disclosing information like this, especially given it's a number of years since he last used. Enough time to know you like someone and build a bit of trust but well in advance of any big relationship decisions.

I'd be considering how he deals with future social events with these colleagues. If he continues to be around people using it's really likely he'll slip up at some point and even more likely if he drinks around them when they're using. I would be worried he wasn't taking his recovery seriously if he knowingly put himself in that position.

Do you want children, op? If you do, why on earth would you knowingly choose an addict to be in a relationship with? Choosing the father of your children is literally the most important decision you will ever make, and staying with an addict who is still using, is in fact not sober, is madness.

Personally I’d run. He's drinking? You have to be clean to be in a program. Coke is the worst and easiest to relapse on. 4 months is nothing. Have some boundaries. Having ex partner who couldn’t cope with life; his go to was coke. He's disclosed this late in the day to try and hook you. He should have told you asap.

He is pretty new in the job and it was his first team night out with the group. He said it went well until after the dinner when he heard where they wanted to head next and that’s when he decided to leave. So I don’t think he knew before then.
He does drink when we are out or when he is out with friends, but not excessively.
Thanks all, I’ll talk to him because I’m not sure about it all. I really like him but drugs kind of scare me.

Because cocaine IS scary. Plenty of threads on here about cocaine relapse. It’s the worst. It takes weeks to cotton on they are using, then there’s gaslighting and making it all in your head, obsession, lies, vanishing. It’s honestly not nice and relapse on coke is extremely common. I’m not suggesting he will but it is a very real risk.

Honestly, find someone who doesn’t have all of this baggage. For you to start this thread discloses you have concerns, your gut is telling you the answer.

My current partner is an ex heroin addict. Been clean for over 20 years. Nicest man in the world, shit childhood and he gravitated into drugs. He now works with young people and uses his past to help others.
I wouldn't write this man off yet. And haven't we all done things we aren't proud of? I was a dick when I was younger-I used to drink far too much alcohol, barely touch it now.
He's been honest with you, it may have taken some time but he may have wanted you to get to know him before he told you, which is fair enough because even now you are having doubts. Imagine he'd have told you on your first date, you would have probably run for the hills. At least you are giving the situation some consideration now and judging him for his present as well as his past.

"He seemed down the next day when we met and that’s when he told me.....
he noticed that there’d be drugs but that he felt sad then and also guilty that I didn’t know."

I dunno... It's heavy emotional shit he's dumping on you already from where I'm standing.

He was feeling low and didn't want to be alone.

You are only dating 4 months.

He's already leaning on you emotionally and ringing you up drunk and late after a fairly ordinary work night out to set you up as his mental health Mentor.
Because he couldn't contact his sponsor...?

It's not fun and flirty is it? It's you being set up as his Mother to make sure he doesn't do drugs and to lean on when he's depressed.

As others have said, he's starting to unpack his baggage and expecting you to make room for it.

Then it becomes all about him. It sort of has already.

You can never have a bad day because he'll make you the 'strong' one.
You, who can put your emotions and needs aside to accommodate his very bulky and uncomfortable emotional furniture already being moved into your head.

You're viewing this completely askew.

It is not about him ensuring he is comfortable and secure in the relationship before disclosure. The point is that this information is discussed before it gets to this stage so the other person gets to make an informed decision about their life.

He should understand that following rehab. Addiction affects partners and family. New partners should know the score and be able to decide whether to proceed at an early stage.

Obviously not on a first date but early. There is a lot of space between 'first date' and '4 months in'.

Waiting to feel sure etc as you describe above and sitting on this information for months shows an addict's selfishness.

This is something that a partner deserves to know early on, even if it costs him a relationship. That would be a consequence of his past actions which he should accept may follow him around.

Get rid op. Dating men who have no self control is a recipe for disaster. There are millions of men out there who are not addicts. Choose one of them.

I am astonished at the posters suggesting you go to the NA meetings to find out more. Unless you want to act like a support worker to this man you’ve only known for a few months.

I am astonished at the posters suggesting you go to the NA meetings to find out more. Unless you want to act like a support worker to this man you’ve only known for a few months.

It's unbelievable some have suggested this. The op barely knows this man and some people think she should dedicate herself as his support system for his addiction.

Just to say of course there are many previous addicts who sort their life out and are clean for years and years. But this is very fishy the pissed phone call, mentioning drugs and leaving the do - did he have a line? In my experience a one off night was ignored and they still said they were sober 14m or whatever. Sounds like that’s what happened to me and the self loathing. Also I don’t trust he’s drinking, one thing leads to another especially when drunk and stressed of life are at play, commitment, kids etc

You are unfortunately being led into horrible territory where you will always have this secondary dialogue. Did he do anything last night when he was out? Has he been to pick up? Why is he acting so wired? Even when he’s straight?

Theres so much more I want to say.

How was he already drunk and making drunk phone calls if he left right after a work dinner? He'd have to be knocking it back heavily to get drunk just at dinner. Which if you're a recovering addict is a no no. Also, unless in 6 years he's never been out drinking before, feeling very low/depressed the next day is weird. That's s feeling from either a night of heavy drinking and/or drugs. I don't think most people have such an extreme reaction to a simple dinner and drinks with work colleagues. So you should definitely question this more because he's either still got some big demons or isn't being honest.

Oh he didn’t tell me when he was drunk. He told me the next day and said he’d called because he felt low and didn’t want to be alone. He did call his sponsor too.

What a piss take. This is the selfishness that pp have warned about. He felt sad there was drugs that he couldn’t take so he decided to call you. So you could make him feel better.

His sad feelings aren’t your problem and calling you late like that was inappropriate. Get rid. This man can’t stand his own company.