Newish partner confessed previous addiction

[Pinacool]

I’m in a relatively new relationship (4 months) with my BF and things have been going really well. We met yesterday and he unexpectedly told me that he had had a drug problem in the past and that he thought I should know because he didn’t want to keep it from me. I hadn’t expected this at all so it did come as a shock to me, and to be honest I know very little about this because my only experience with drugs is having smoked the odd joint every couple of years when I was younger.
Of course I appreciate him telling me but I am not sure what to make of it, and I am feeling a bit upset about it. There was a reason why he decided to tell me, but the bottom line is that he is not taking any drugs, he is attending AN meetings and that he is embarrassed about it. He is probably the calmest and logical person I know, and he has his life together but I also know that there is a lot I don’t know about addictions and everything that comes with it.
This is not something that fully “disappears”, is it? Is anyone here with someone who has overcome addiction or has overcome it themselves? I just want to understand it better because I don’t think I really understand what it’s like…thank you

Walk away op. If he was a weed user YOU will live with the repercussions of that forever..

I do believe addicts can turn their life around if they stay away from addictive substances including alcohol, if they fully own up and process the shame, if they are proactive in their recovery with a solid support system and if they are upfront about it disclosing by 3rd date at latest.

He is lying to himself if he is drinking after a coke habit and lying to you.

I have to be honest and say the fact he’s drinking is a red flag.

As I previously posted I’ve been on the house scene my whole adult life and know many people who are completely sober. In fact most of those people are still on the scene and see temptation everywhere but their resolve is stronger than the lure of drink and drugs.

So yes it is possible to have a life where other around you aren’t sober BUT its a lifetimes work

I'd definitely give him the benefit of the doubt, as everyone deserves a second chance don't they? He's been clean for almost 6 years, he's got his life together and he's attending support meetings, so he's clearly doing everything he can to stay clean.

My DP smoked a lot of weed when he was younger (nothing stronger than that) and he recently cut back massively, although still smokes a few small joints a week (outside). He's made a huge effort and is continuing to work on it. He works full time, he also gas a degree and is working on projects to better his future career. He's lovely and an amazing partner, so please do give him the benefit of the doubt 🙂

Weed users become paranoid awful people to be with op.

The OP said it was cocaine not weed

If he was successfully working with NA then his goal would be abstinence from alcohol as well as drugs. He will know this well if he is attending.

He's still putting himself in a position (by drinking) where he's vulnerable to making bad choices which means he's not in stable recovery and certainly not sobriety.

Of all the men in the world OP I just don't think it's sensible to be with an addict in recovery who isn't do everything they can do avoid relapse and is instead putting themselves in situations where they are more likely to relapse e.g. drinking.

He also called you when sad, lonely and drunk just four months into your relationships.

He doesn't sound in the right place to be in a happy and healthy relationship yet tbh.

He's been honest, he's accessing support and this is all brilliant.

But, part of addiction is often relapse and I wouldn't want be ok with that, for me or for my children, so I would end the relationship.

He isn't following the support principles though which makes me concerned he is not as stably sober as he has told OP. NA makes it explicitly clear that being clean and sober means abstaining from all substances including alcohol, not just the previous drug of choice. He is clearly struggling to do this, which is a very big red flag.

He's done really well to get clean of cocaine but it sounds like there's much work to be done before his recovery is enough that he can be in a happy and healthy relationship.

Agree with the above poster and I think he may be taking advantage of your naivety (you mentioned) OP. I don’t know of any program where someone has ‘a sponsor’ unless they are clean from everything. Unless it’s a smaller or private practise (but I have no experience of this just main programs with recovering addicts for various drugs). Trying to ring his sponsor that night if he is in NA indicates he relapsed.

There is some really sound advice here. Hope you make the right decision for yourself x

I get why he waited. If he said on first\second date hey I used to be a drug addict you would have run mile. By getting to know you (and vice versa) he feels able to open up about a very personal problem\challenge he has (baggage even) but he is trying to get over it. He also probably wants to keep this information to those who need to know - by first date you probably would not have fitted into the category.

Its a judgement call - do you think he is worth the risk? Bear in mind it is rare that no man comes 'baggage free' be is alcohol, drugs, debt, gambling, crazy ex's etc.

Hmm the alcohol would worry me tbh - will make it easier to relapse.

I wouldn’t necessarily write him off OP - one of my best friends is an addict (alcohol). I love him dearly - but please, please don’t be naive. My friend is one of the kindest, loveliest people I know - but until I saw a relapse I had no idea how bad it could be. I had no idea it could ever look like that. I was hopelessly naive. I thought he had been honest with me about what his relapses were like - but he really hadn’t. In large part because he couldn’t be honest with himself, so being honest with me was never going to happen. I’m also not sure he knows how bad they are becuase he isn’t fully present during them. He has done an enormous amount of work since then (via a few more relapses) and has a much better idea of how to stay sober, and is very open with me but a relapse is still a risk.

So I would have concerns about how honest your new partner is being with himself. I’d quiz him really and I would definitely want to know why he thinks drinking alcohol is a safe thing for him to do when he has a problem with cocaine. I’d want to know what his support network is. And if he says ‘oh I’ll ring you if I think I am going to do a line’ don’t believe him - he may think it’s true and may believe it when telling you but it’s rarely that simple. He does sound as if he puts himself in risky situations so I would want to know why he thinks they aren’t risky. Maybe he only took cocaine with certain people? How will he ensure he never bumps into them again?

The other thing to realise is that you can do nothing, absolutely nothing to prevent a relapse or to persuade him not to use again. That can only come from the addict themselves. So if you are to have a relationship with him that doesn’t drive you insane with anxiety you have to be able to say ‘whatever’, take a step back and mean it. That’s incredibly difficult to do as part of a romantic relationship and almost impossible once you have kids as you need your partner to be able to prioritise the family.

So yeah I would be asking a lot of questions.

I was married to an alcoholic.

This man is one of many men.

Find another.

Addiction ruins the lives of the people around it, and even when sober (which he isn’t if he’s drinking, no matter what he might say) he’s still an addict.

There is literally nothing good that can come of this. You will never be able to relax, ever. And once you’ve moved in/had kids it will be SO MUCH harder to leave.

If he's drinking, he's not considered clean or recovered, NA means abstinence for all mind altering substances, including alcohol. I'm sorry, but just to make you aware, that's how it works xxx please just go slow with this one xx

This is correct and still current

If I met someone and they didn't share that until 4 months in and felt like he was the love of my life I'd end it anyway, and then we'd both be hurt and heartbroken over it.

My ex was a drug user and I just wouldn't be able to be with a recovering addict as it would be too triggering for me.

There's many periods between first date and 4 months. At 4 months many people will have developed strong feelings, so it's extremely unfair to not consider the other persons feelings in the scenario. It's incredibly selfish to wait until they're hooked to share and then they might agree to stay in a relationship they otherwise would never have wanted to be in.

I get why he waited. If he said on first\second date hey I used to be a drug addict you would have run mile. By getting to know you (and vice versa) he feels able to open up about a very personal problem\challenge he has (baggage even) but he is trying to get over it.

Thats lying by omission and unethical. By deliberately withholding such life changing information what you're saying here is that he wanted her to develop an attachment to him, so it would be more difficult for her to extricate herself.

thats all kinds of wrong!!

she would be well advised to have nothing more to do with him. Yup they deserve a second chance, but she doesn't have to be the one to do that if she doesn't want. She owes him nothing. That's how people's lives are wrecked by getting involved with addictive personality types.

No rush to make any decisions. But don’t make any kind of commitment. Definitely stay in your own homes, live separately, don’t burn any boats, don’t get pregnant. Good luck 🌺

Well of course it suited him to hold back this information but it was not the right thing to do. If someone has an issue that could affect a potential partner- addiction, conviction, incurable communicable disease then it is not ok to simply keep quiet because it's a tricky convo to have that may ruin their chances. I'm not sure why so many posters are so sympathetic to this deceit. Which it what it is.

Hiding something adverse is taking away the OP (or any potential partner's) autonomy to make their own decision on whether they want such an issue in their life. Once they get emotionally involved it is more painful to make that decision which means it is pretty manipulative to wait.

Problems such as addiction do not tend to stay neatly hidden without hiccup or this wouldn't need consideration.

And there are many, many men out there free of issues such as drugs, gambling, alcohol addiction etc. Being alone really isn't a bad alternative.

It's absolutely not rare to find a man who doesn't have baggage of this size.

@kkloo yes exactly as you said waiting months to mention being in recovery ensures that he has wormed his way into her life, guilt tripping her into accepting this. This guy specifically doesn't even sound to be in successful recovery.

I agree with this poster @Lucy377 -

and yep - I would run away fast.

I've been on dates with 2 addicts in recovery. Both told me the first date and neither drunk alcohol.

One I dated for several months but it didn't work out as he wanted children and I didn't but I would have "risked" a long term relationship with. The second I dated several times but he displayed warning signs I didn't like.

Obviously I may have dated others in recovery who never told me. But these 2 are the ones I know about.

I don't know anything about recovery but I'm sure they are not supposed to drink alcohol.

This would be a deal breaker for me, would end the relationship.

It's great that he has been honest (although he should have come clean before getting into a relationship).

Respectfully, you don't know him well enough to determine the severity of his addiction and if he's been making steps to have a better quality of life. You don't know him well enough to determine if he has his life sorted out.

We all have our problems and areas in life which could use improvement...respectfully maybe you should end things, and find someone else without a substance abuse problem.

This will be a lifelong battle for him, there will be relapses, there will be stagnacy, there will be times when the addiction will be in control, and he will possibly do things to feed his addiction, etc...

This is a lifelong battle, with no full recovery. He will always be fighting these urges.

Of course it is possible for anyone to become an addict at any stage of life...

He has already become one.
If you have limited to none experience nor exposure of dealing/struggling with or dealing with someone with this problem, it may be best to end things. Your expectations and optimism will often get crushed.

If you proceed, don't have any children together, don't move in together, don't marry him.