Newish partner confessed previous addiction

[Pinacool]

I’m in a relatively new relationship (4 months) with my BF and things have been going really well. We met yesterday and he unexpectedly told me that he had had a drug problem in the past and that he thought I should know because he didn’t want to keep it from me. I hadn’t expected this at all so it did come as a shock to me, and to be honest I know very little about this because my only experience with drugs is having smoked the odd joint every couple of years when I was younger.
Of course I appreciate him telling me but I am not sure what to make of it, and I am feeling a bit upset about it. There was a reason why he decided to tell me, but the bottom line is that he is not taking any drugs, he is attending AN meetings and that he is embarrassed about it. He is probably the calmest and logical person I know, and he has his life together but I also know that there is a lot I don’t know about addictions and everything that comes with it.
This is not something that fully “disappears”, is it? Is anyone here with someone who has overcome addiction or has overcome it themselves? I just want to understand it better because I don’t think I really understand what it’s like…thank you

I think the concern for me would be that he hasn't touched it in nearly 6 years but is still attending meetings which suggests he is only ever a crisis away from using again.

You have no way of accurately assessing just how truthful he is, how much he has disclosed, and how much he has kept back.

The fact that he phoned you when under the influence of another substance (alcohol), felt down, phoned his sponsor, tells me he hasn't told the whole truth

Why bother treading carefully, and being watchful over someone else's problems, when you are still free to walk away?

Honestly don't think he's being truthful with you and may be an active participant and user.
He may also have more than one addiction..perhaps he is an alcoholic as well.
It's suspicious that he didn't tell you from the beginning or maybe a few days in.

Like he wanted you to develop feelings beforehand, so that perhaps you would become invested in him....perhaps he is planning to use you.

4 months is a long time to not disclose this kind of information. I feel like he wasn't planning on telling you at all, or at a much later time. I feel like he only told you then (which was a very inappropriate way of disclosing things) because he may be in fear of being outed by someone.
Sounds like may have been drinking and perhaps using wherever he was when he called you.
He seems very seedy and his behavior seems suspicious.

You will never trust him and be always riddled with anxiety and worry over him.

It's probably best to end things.

On the one hand, I applaud the fact he's got help, has now told you the truth, seems to be doing a good job of staying away from the drugs. We shouldn't judge someone on their past, if they've made consistent and serious efforts to change. He could well be clean for the rest of his days. He may be a lovely man who happens to have had a serious problem in his past.

On the other hand.... I've lived with an addict. It wrecked his life and came close to wrecking mine, and my extension the DCs. I wouldn't build a relationship with someone who was an addict / recovering addict simply because I know that if they fell off the wagon I couldn't cope. My years-long hellish previous experience means I have a phobia for addiction and wouldn't risk going back there ever again.

Not helpful I'm afraid. TBH if I was only 4 months in - not yet invested lots of time / fallen head over heels / involved children / moved in etc - I'd walk away.

Its very difficult for addicts to recover and all power to him for changing his life and for his honesty. I'm sure he deserves happiness in a relationship as much as anyone else. But I'm going to answer in your interests rather than his and say, if I had a choice between an ex addict and a never been an addict, i wouldn't have to think about it. At 4 months in, he'd have to be pretty perfect in every other way for me to take a gamble.

How are you op?? How is everything?? Are you still together?? How is he doing?? Anymore suspicious behaviors??

@Burntouted We're still togther and I think we are ok. We talked about it more and I understand better how things happened on the day, and I believe him. He's been to another overnight event with work and he was fine. He is a lovely and overall decent guy and want to give him a chance, but I have also made it clear that I don't want drugs in my life and he understands this.

I would be okay-ish casually dating him but wouldn't make life with them, having babies or buying a house. Too much risk, you could never relax.

RUN

I hope it works out, but I worry that you don't understand enough about addiction to recognise warning signs until they are very obvious (by which point it is dangerous). Anyone recovering from drug addiction should not be drinking or spending time around drugs and drinking. The fact that he is, is a huge red flag. Unless you live with him, or understand drugs, you won't know if he is back on them. People can seem fine on drugs if they're seasoned users - it's when they're off them and having withdrawal that it's obvious. Be careful.

If the roles were reversed, I'm not sure he would want to get serious with an ex addict who still drank to the point of excess.....It would be like dating a paedophile who claim to have been cured/served his time/had therapy but still spent his time around school playgrounds.

But an addict is an addict for life and is either in active addiction or not. They can be clean for 30 years and fall straight back into active addiction for no reason

This is the AA theory of addiction. Not everyone agrees with this.

I'm not sure he would want to get serious with an ex addict who still drank to the point of excess.....It would be like dating a paedophile who claim to have been cured/served his time/had therapy but still spent his time around school playgrounds

What a sensitive and reasonable comparison.

A recovering addict still doing an addictive substance to excess isn't getting any sensitivity or reasonableness from me. I reserve sensitivity and reasonableness for the friends and families and partners who's lives they upend with their addiction.