As the title says, I'm in absolute pieces. My heart is shattered, my life turned upside down. I'm in a safe place thanks to the help of wonderful friends, but I feel like I'm going insane doubting myself and what happened - was it my fault? Could things have been different? The police took me seriously and he was arrested for domestic abuse offences, but I'm questioning my reality - am I really a victim of domestic abuse?
We've had several explosions in the past where he's lost his temper - he was previously in counselling for anger management but stopped suddenly. He rages with his own family, too - one day he came home from his parents' house with bleeding knuckles because he got so angry that he punched their wall. He's been in a foul mood for months because he went through a period of unemployment and then lost the first job he got because he was turning up consistently late. He hasn't ever physically assaulted me in terms of things like beating, but his history of anger issues made me worry if he would in the future. I've been constantly raged at, belittled and insulted for months, as well as pressured into having sex when I didn't want to (sulking when I said no, guilt tripping me into sex by accusing me of being frigid and never showing him enough love).
Anyway - this week we had another serious incident in which the police had to be called. I don't even know exactly what triggered the argument - I think I was cooking the evening meal and made a comment like 'it would be helpful if you could do a bit more of the cooking throughout the week', as recently he'd settled into the assumption that I'm solely responsible for the cooking and cleaning. (His excuse is 'I've been out working my ass off all day', whereas I work remotely from home...) An argument starts. Then he starts shouting and raging, making claims about how lazy I am, a pampered bitch, that I'm delusional, that I've got a problem with my memory and I should be medically examined, etc (I do have a mental health diagnosis, but it's being managed well and he tends to weaponise the diagnosis against me, making me double guess my reality). Then he goes upstairs and starts hurling all of my clothes, books, laptop and other possessions down the stairs, yelling that this is it, he's going to kick me out on the street. At this point I'm in tears, begging him to stop, but he's threatening to call my parents and friends and 'tell them what I'm really like'. So at that point I call the police. I'm so upset that I find myself disclosing everything that has been going on. To my shock, they actually arrested him.
He has, as I predicted, denied everything when he was questioned. He even went so far as to say that I threw all my possessions down the stairs to frame him. He's been released on bail with the conditions of not going to our property or even our street for 3 months, so at least that will give me time to pack my entire life up and make alternative living plans. I don't know whether I want to press charges, I don't even know how effective it would be. I'm in shock at the moment and just wish I could disappear. Luckily it was just us in the house, no kids involved.
On the surface we were the ideal couple, with a lovely house and home, great friendship circle, we were even due to adopt a rescue cat. Despite my feelings of being trapped in the relationship and becoming more and more unhappy in myself, I still loved him. I feel so guilty now, like I've damaged the life of someone I love so dearly. After everything that's happened I still feel like I just want to run to him and embrace him. But I think in my heart I know that I can't go on like this. I want my identity and my dreams back.
I know Mumsnet isn't necessarily the best place to be posting, but while I try and figure out all the other practical things, I feel like I need some reassurance... have I done the right thing? Am I stupid for not having broken things off earlier and avoid such an extreme situation? I'm devastated and so worried that I'll regret this forever.