I'm in pieces - partner arrested for domestic abuse offences and relationship over

[calatheamama]

As the title says, I'm in absolute pieces. My heart is shattered, my life turned upside down. I'm in a safe place thanks to the help of wonderful friends, but I feel like I'm going insane doubting myself and what happened - was it my fault? Could things have been different? The police took me seriously and he was arrested for domestic abuse offences, but I'm questioning my reality - am I really a victim of domestic abuse?

We've had several explosions in the past where he's lost his temper - he was previously in counselling for anger management but stopped suddenly. He rages with his own family, too - one day he came home from his parents' house with bleeding knuckles because he got so angry that he punched their wall. He's been in a foul mood for months because he went through a period of unemployment and then lost the first job he got because he was turning up consistently late. He hasn't ever physically assaulted me in terms of things like beating, but his history of anger issues made me worry if he would in the future. I've been constantly raged at, belittled and insulted for months, as well as pressured into having sex when I didn't want to (sulking when I said no, guilt tripping me into sex by accusing me of being frigid and never showing him enough love).

Anyway - this week we had another serious incident in which the police had to be called. I don't even know exactly what triggered the argument - I think I was cooking the evening meal and made a comment like 'it would be helpful if you could do a bit more of the cooking throughout the week', as recently he'd settled into the assumption that I'm solely responsible for the cooking and cleaning. (His excuse is 'I've been out working my ass off all day', whereas I work remotely from home...) An argument starts. Then he starts shouting and raging, making claims about how lazy I am, a pampered bitch, that I'm delusional, that I've got a problem with my memory and I should be medically examined, etc (I do have a mental health diagnosis, but it's being managed well and he tends to weaponise the diagnosis against me, making me double guess my reality). Then he goes upstairs and starts hurling all of my clothes, books, laptop and other possessions down the stairs, yelling that this is it, he's going to kick me out on the street. At this point I'm in tears, begging him to stop, but he's threatening to call my parents and friends and 'tell them what I'm really like'. So at that point I call the police. I'm so upset that I find myself disclosing everything that has been going on. To my shock, they actually arrested him.

He has, as I predicted, denied everything when he was questioned. He even went so far as to say that I threw all my possessions down the stairs to frame him. He's been released on bail with the conditions of not going to our property or even our street for 3 months, so at least that will give me time to pack my entire life up and make alternative living plans. I don't know whether I want to press charges, I don't even know how effective it would be. I'm in shock at the moment and just wish I could disappear. Luckily it was just us in the house, no kids involved.

On the surface we were the ideal couple, with a lovely house and home, great friendship circle, we were even due to adopt a rescue cat. Despite my feelings of being trapped in the relationship and becoming more and more unhappy in myself, I still loved him. I feel so guilty now, like I've damaged the life of someone I love so dearly. After everything that's happened I still feel like I just want to run to him and embrace him. But I think in my heart I know that I can't go on like this. I want my identity and my dreams back.

I know Mumsnet isn't necessarily the best place to be posting, but while I try and figure out all the other practical things, I feel like I need some reassurance... have I done the right thing? Am I stupid for not having broken things off earlier and avoid such an extreme situation? I'm devastated and so worried that I'll regret this forever.

Just for information (and in case anybody else needs this info in the future)

The police can pursue prosecute without you "pressing charges", it is more a case of whether it not you support a prosecution and will provide evidence or not. (This is one of the reasons "log it with the police" is not great advice - if something in reported there is a duty to at least consider and manage the risk, so it is unlikely the police would take a report that amounts to domestic violence and say "noted" and leave everyone to it). A prosecution is much more likely to succeed with support tho.

A DVPN (domestic violence protection notice) can issued by police in the short term, if the suspect is not charged with the offence and the case is no further actioned. You generally do not have a DVPN/DVPO running alongside bail, as they achieve the same things (from a technical legal standpoint they can run together, but as they do the same thing they as a rule run one or the other depending on whether the case has be finalised and whether it is going forward).

If a DVPN is issued the police have to put the paperwork before a court (generally within 48hrs but there are some exceptions for Sundays/bank holidays etc). If the court agree with it a DVPO (domestic violence protection order) is then issued.

Not specifically for the OP but this information should have a wider audience. Knowledge is power 🤷🏻‍♀️

I'm glad you have good friends to support you in real life, as well as MN.
Well done on taking such positive steps so far.

This. Much easier to take what is yours instead of needing to argue the legalities so they´ll give you what they owe...

I feel so guilty now, like I've damaged the life of someone I love so dearly.

While you're feeling like this, having done absolutely nothing wrong, he will be busy twisting everything to convince himself he's absolutely innocent. He won't feel bad about the damage he's done to you with his anger issues. He will absolve himself of all responsibility. He will never face up to what he's done.

That's how abusers work.

Well done for standing up for yourself. Please try to stay strong and remember he will not change.

Really glad to hear you have a strong support system around you.x.

His behaviour isn’t normal. You should be able to make comments about dinner etc without someone hurling abuse at you. He needs help and has issues. You shouldn’t have to walk on egg shells. I hope you’re ok and you are able to walk away.

Dear @calatheamama, your thread's moved on some way from when you first posted it, and you've had good advice so far, but I also wanted to add my support for you. Mumsnet was indeed the right place to post. It can be brutal on occasion, but the women here are unfailing supporters of those who end up in situations like this.

This man is an abuser. You've doubted yourself and your own reality because he's been gaslighting you: that's a recognised, documented form of abuse. He's weaponising your mental health issues against you. That's also abuse (and this tactic is as old as time; the police will be more than familiar with it). He's started lashing out in rage and damaging your possessions. Had you stayed, the next thing he'd have physically damaged would have been you.

This is because abusers operate in patterns. They always escalate. And the reason they escalate is because they begin with smaller things (ie. like treating you as an upaid housemaid), then move onto smashing the next boundary, then the next. They push to see how much they can get away with. The next time, they push a little further. That's the reason the police immediately arrested him when they attended your property. They know, and are familiar with, these patterns. He was escalating, and from what you say in your OP, there's little doubt that he's dangerous. (Incidentally, you can't decide to 'press' charges or otherwise. Charging him is a decision only the CPS can make, and they can do this with or without your cooperation).

You've been phenomenally courageous in calling the police, and I applaud you. You're now at that 'scales falling from the eyes' moment where you recognise your ex-partner as an abuser and yourself as his victim. We none of us want to recognise ourselves as victims but it can happen to anyone, even the strongest of us. This recognition is viscerally painful, and I feel for you. It's also the turning point at which your life gets better.

Wishing you strength and peace. 🌹

Can't add much that hasn't already been said, but you absolutely did the right thing.
He is an abuser. He was abusing you. And abuse ALWAYS escalates. Worse was going to happen if you didn't get out.

Good luck and stay strong.

Stay strong, love. You absolutely did the right thing. You haven't ruined his life - he did. At least you're not letting him take you down too. Best of luck, but you will be fine.

Absolutely you have done the right thing by ending his abuse. Abuse often escalates when a woman is pregnant, this is not a man you want to have a child with.

You can legally take 2 k from his account and leave him to argue the toss with his parents, do it. Then you can have a clean break without needing to take his family to court.

Get out of the house as soon as you can and move on with your life.

The fact he has rages and then makes you doubt your self is troubling please keep it at no contact ,there’s a lady on you tube that speaks about this type of behaviour her Chanel is narc con have a listen to her it’s very eye opening .

His words and actions remind me so much of my ex. He was also arrested after kicking off and breaking my stuff then refusing to leave my house (luckily we didn’t live together and I never trusted him to have a key even after 9 years together!)

He would also call me crazy (so was his ex apparently 🙄 🤔) and tell me I needed help, who’d ever want me etc but then be so loving and apologetic afterwards and take blame for turning things sour. He promised to got to anger management after he was arrested - he never did, it was hollow words which he then pretended he’d never said.

He didn’t do it again for about 5 years - I never quite relaxed but I think I’d just about got to a point where I believed he’d changed when bang, he did the exact same thing again.

For gods sake whatever else you do, however you deal with the money etc make a vow to yourself not to entertain him again. THEY DO NOT CHANGE!

And re the money, going through the courts to get that money won’t help. I was awarded £1.5k from a previous landlord who’d withheld my deposit unfairly. The court said he had to pay it. He just didn’t. The time and effort to try and go back and claim again etc was just too stressful so I had to write it off in the end.

Just take it from the account and let someone know what you’ve done and why - if you have an email address for the parents maybe send them a message. This was a home you shared with him, so although the money was owed by the parents, it was a joint expense incurred by you and him for your shared home, so it’s fair to take it out of the joint account and for him to reclaim it from his parents. Anyone with any sense would agree that they’re more likely to give it back to him than to you, so as long as there’s a paper trail to show what you’ve done and why you’ll be fine. Worst case you pay it back and then they pay you back (or don’t) but I’d cover yourself first.

You've 100% done the right thing posting here as so many of us have sadly been in your position.

Ignore Manny McSplainerson up there with his misogynist vitriol. You don’t need his validation from a man’s POV that you’ve done the right thing. You have the support of thousands of women here.

You’ve absolutely done the right thing. Get the money you are owed, take it out of the joint account now, pack up and go asap today. Good luck op. However you feel know the future is ultimately bright with this looser out if your life

It IS domestic abuse.

It is NOT normal.

You have definitely done the right thing. God bless your wonderful friends for looking after you.

Appreciate those feelings of guilt but don't act on them - they mean that you are a good person, who tries to find the good in people (even very bad people), but they are not a reason to go back to him. He is relying on those very feelings to continue his abuse.

Be prepared for a metric ton of weapons-grade horse shit to come out of his mouth. Easier said than done, but try to just see it as his impotent anger spilling out - it's meaningless, it's untrue, and it's ONLY in service of his own ego.

Wishing you strength and resilience in the weeks to come. You have done the hardest bit, and I for one am cheering you on from the sidelines.

You've got this.

Be prepared for a metric ton of weapons-grade horse shit to come out of his mouth. Easier said than done, but try to just see it as his impotent anger spilling out - it's meaningless, it's untrue, and it's ONLY in service of his own ego.

fantastic turn of phrase and so true!

This.

The police have, rightly, take it seriously.

He's been barred from the house/area.

These actions have confirmed what you already know about the relationship. Or it should confirm it.

You may well feel regrets at how the relationship had developed (I'm assuming it was good at some point)

You may have regrets at how events developed leading up to his arrest. You may blame yourself for aspects.

When the dust settles you'll realise that this wasn't your fault at all. Take proper advice before you decide whether to or whether not to press charges.

If everything had been hunky dory the police would have had a quick chat and then go.

But, as others have written, matters would only get worse.

All the best.

You have totally done the right thing. You are better with this man out of your life.

Just be honest when you speak to the police and let them worry about exactly what crimes he has committed. That isn't for Mumsnet to decide. Your priority should be to keep yourself safe and then move on without him.

It sounds like you have some wonderful friends to support you.

Please please don’t doubt or blame yourself .., I was a victim of domestic abuse. You don’t have to be beaten physically to be abused and it sounds like he was really mentally abusing you to the point where you are really doubting how serious what happened to you actually was. It’s fresh now but once you have distanced and time to take it all in you will realise that you were not in a good situation. His anger sounds so scary to me, I can relate to it and I often have flashbacks of things my ex did like constantly telling me I was a moroN and I was dumb, I have thrived and become very successful and confident in my career after leaving him as they never change. I really hope you have the support in place to stay away from him and sending you much love and respect xxx

@bendypines thank you, amongst the countless red flags the fact that this "man" is a rapist jumped out at me.
OP, if you haven't reported this to the police, you must.
Having had experience of abusive relationships myself, I can assure you that the intensity of the feelings is NOT love, and in the future, you will understand this.
It's early days but you have made yourself safe and you will have a good life.
All the very best to you.🌺

That is true.
There are women who try and minimise an aggressive man's actions- but it almost always escalates.

Have had female friends be hit in relationships- escalation seems to be the way it goes.

One friend, so many of us tried to help -She found the strength to ask him to leave- but he used his dog to get back with her.

''The dog is missing you....'' and she loved the dog.

Fast forwards a few years... she now has a child with this violent man, and a new dog of the same breed...I saw them in the street and went to say hello to the dog who flinched away and bared his teeth...

THAT told me all I needed to know.

I said ''This dog has been hit?''....and she replied that the dog had indeed been 'smacked'.

Her excuse ?''But I love him'' {the violent partner}

If one can see no better than being a punch bag for an aggressive partner, then there really is no hope.

ONLY the woman can make the decision that enough is enough.

@calatheamama I bet your ex WILL come back at you with apologies and presents and coy eyes and soft voices- til the next eruption.

As a PP has said ''weapons grade levels of horse shit'' will come out of his mouth.

If you want to be good to your future self, cut off all contact.

The police have a lot of experience with this sort of thing, and the fact they took it so seriously shows that they too think he's a risk to you.

I would take your half of the joint account money PLUS the £2,000 his parents owe you.

Well done for calling the police.

Apologies for trivializing the tone of a very serious thread, but 'Manny McMansplainer' is going down amongst my favourite ever Mumnset idioms, alongside 'boils my piss!'

In my defence, there's a serious message underlying the glib tone. MRAs do often make a beeline for threads posted by victims of VAWG in order to attack the vulnerable - people need to be aware of this.

In an ideal world, you would have ended things earlier, yes, because his behaviour sounds terrifying. It's not the kind of behaviour anyone should put up with.

I'm so glad the police arrested him and you have three months' breathing space.

You're doing all the right things: taking advice from police, leaning on your friends.

You might like to do some counselling to find out how to spot abusers in the future, and how to raise your boundaries.

Well done for getting out. Truly. I wish you happiness.

Take half the money from the joint account, plus 2k for the monies owed.
Keep the paperwork stating how much you were owed, and that they were going to pay you back.
You have done the right thing, he wouldn’t have changed for the better.

Thank goodness you don't have DC with this horrible man. Use the time he can't come near you to get away from him. If it's your accommodation then stay but if it's his then find somewhere of your own. You did the right thing. Do not take him back.

Well done for calling the police. 100% the right action.
Get into the joint a/c take half plus £2000 you are owed, he can sort it out with his family.
Pack up everything and go, he may not be allowed to approach you but he might well get family or friends to.
You’re free— move wherever you want, get another job, a better life awaits you.