How to deal with dismissive and rude teacher (private school)

[Thefirstime]

Struggling with how dismissive and almost rude my child’s teacher is.. he’s only been there one term.. he seemed happy (ish) last term but very unhappy first day back.. I emailed to see her as I’m not too happy..

at the end of the day, she brings the children out and has brief chat with parents- totally walks off or sends my child out alone.. She. Says bye to my son but doesn’t engage or interact with me in the slightest.. terrible communication between us and I honestly don’t know what has happened..

im due to meet her and diplomatically probe this.. we have 15mins..

how can I best go about this??

any advice??

I don’t want to be all guns blazing but I’m unhappy and we’re paying a small fortune..

Don’t go to this meeting alone take partner or friend. Speak firmly and explain her unfriendly behaviour is impacting your son’s mental health! Some teachers are bullies - I speak from experience.

Don’t go alone take your partner or a friend and explain you have seen her being gentler with peers and you are dumbfounded as to why your son is being bullied by an adult. Oh yes approach this firmly as adult bullying.

Well I'd generally go with the exact opposite of what this poster has said 😂

The only problem you seem to have mentioned is she doesn't speak to you at pick up but she does say bye to your son. It's hard to help when there isn't much context beyond he hasn't been as happy this term. I'd go in with the general enquiry of 'DS is a bit upset and not enjoying school as much this term, do you have any ideas why ... it might be helpful if we could have a quick chat at the end of the day like I've seen you do with other parents so I can know how his day has been.'

No reason to be a dick about anything or accuse an adult of bullying a child with literally zero indication that is occurring.

I don’t want to accuse her of anything nor complain but also feel angry as she is clearly being a d*cl towards me, cold, no communication (only on email, very clever!)

such a shame as there are fantastic/ friendly teachers..

im aware I have to keep myself out of it and focus on my child..
but I’m also aware that positive open communication between parents and teachers benefits the child- I want to mention this..??

In my experience my child was being bullied - and it was proven as other teachers - saw it as a safeguarding issue and it was dealt with very firmly. Teacher left the school. In the first instance of it happening I was friendly and very laidback - this made the situation worse. Without more context it is difficult to know but the softly polite approach isn’t always best. Being firm - isn’t rude!

"I’m also aware that positive open communication between parents and teachers benefits the child"

I think it's totally fine to say this. Just mention you'd appreciate a little catch up on collection as you feel out of the loop currently and you're concerned DS isn't happy.

OP. "Hi Miss X thank you for making time to see me so quickly, I'm dumbfounded as to why my son is being bullied by you, an adult. I've brought this person as my witness."

TEACHER. "Oh my goodness I'm horrified you think this is the case, what have I done?"

OP. "You said bye to my son and sent him over to me at collection time but you didn't speak to me about how his day was when I've seen you speaking to other parents. He hasn't been happy lately and I'm concerned about him."

TEACHER "I'm so sorry to hear he is unhappy, I'll make sure I come and speak to you after school in future to have a quick catch up about his day. But I'm still a bit confused how is it you feel I'm am bullying him?"

OP "Actually I have no idea, nothing you have done has indicated you are bullying my child, a person on Mumsnet projected her own personal and individual experience onto my very different situation and suggested I should behave in this way"

🤪

Hang on. Why do you expect her to talk to you at the end of every day? When my kids were of the age where we picked them up at/outside the classroom, I only ever spoke to the teacher if she or I had a specific something that needed saying. No way could she have talked to each of us.

I taught reception/year 1 briefly, and the same applied the other way around. It's a busy time. There was usually a specific child or parent that I had to focus on for any one of hundreds of reasons, let alone the safeguarding involved in ensuring that no kids went off alone or with someone random. It wasn't a time for general chit chat with every parent.

I agree. Not necessary everyday, on occasion would be welcomed.

Why do you expect her to speak to you? During pickups and drop offs we nod or smile and say hi and bye. Some don't bother and I take no offense.

In my experience the teacher would only speak to you if something happened out of the ordinary, I.e. your child fell in school, or had an outburst, haven't been doing his homework, etc.

The way you have written this it is not clear whether there is anything wrong with the teacher.

Maybe she can sense your antagonistic and superior attitude and is instinctively wary of communication with you.

Rather than glaring at her across the playground try smiling. She might find you more approachable. By all means make an appointment to discuss that your son is not happy but don't make it about you Your son is maybe picking up from you your negativity Just because you pay 'a small fortune' doesn't mean the teacher needs to behave towards you as if you're the Queen.

I’m guessing that as this is a private school there may be 15 children in the class. Do you really thing the teacher has time to speak to all 1st parents at home time about their DCs day? She’d be there for hours!
I don’t mean to sound harsh, but you really need to get a grip. You’ve said the teacher doesn’t communicate - but she emails. So she DOES communicate. Just because you’re paying fees for your DCs education doesn’t mean the teachers are there at your beck and call. Most teachers have a couple of hours more work to complete once The children go home, they don’t swan off to get their nails done or to watch Homes under the Hammer!

Are you intimidating her or coming across as unfriendly?

Um, maybe she speaks to parents of kids who have a particular issue / problem!
what matters is how she is in the classroom!

Perfect!

OP, it isn't clear as to what the actual issue is here or whether there is an issue at all.

You appear to be unhappy because you want the teacher to come and talk to you at the end of the day and you feel that the reason she doesn't is that she's cold, dismissive and rude. Why is this something you expect? It isn't common practice to have individual chats with each of the parents at the end of the school day or even once a week. She may be speaking to others for a host of reasons: to address specific concerns, because they've requested it, to inform them of injuries or incidents during the school day, etc.

It's unclear as to what you practically think should be happening. Are you wanting chit-chat, updates, a consultation, etc.?

You linking this back to it being a private school and you paying "a small fortune" is also making you come across and incredibly entitled and rude. You don't own this woman and, beyond the education of the child, she doesn't owe you anything.

Complete and utter non issue.

You DS was probably tired in the run up to Christmas and not keen on going back to school after the break. Totally normal.

Nothing wrong with asking the teacher if your DS is happy when he's actually in school. As the teacher hasn't raised any conce

You don't say how old your child is, but presumably at least Reception age.

This post is more about you than your child. Some of my children's best teachers have not been that great with social chit chat with parents, but they were amazing with the children.

If your child is Reception age, I also think that this is you not undestanding the difference between nursery and school. It's normal to check in with parents more at pre-school age. At school age, the teacher really only talks to you if they have something particular to bring up. Think about it - you are not going to get much of an in depth conversation in an open playground.

Your post says the teacher is rude and dismissive - but you haven't actually had your conversation with her yet! And you say she communicates over email - is she rude and dismissive there?

And, it's pretty normal for children to be less than happy about going back to school after a holiday.

Oops. Posted too soon...

..concerns, I'd assume he's fine when he's in school. Nothing wrong with asking if everything is ok. But the rest of the things you've mentioned aren't things to raise before you've smiled and been more approachable to the teacher.

OK, OP, I'm a teacher.

I tend to speak with parents when there is a specific issue as others have said above. Or when the parent themselves is 'high needs'.

It's not normal, expected or required to speak to parents at the end of the day.

She's not being a dick by replying to your email by email (unless you were also a dick by emailing her?) and she has agreed to meet you.

I also can't see exactly what the issue is.

For what reason? If she had a reason to talk to you she'd talk to you. Stop being so needy.

How old is your child? If he's at a new school and he's any age over 6 or so, then isn't it likely that the other children who've been there longer have parents better known by the teacher?

Kids don't want to go back to school often, especially after two weeks off!

If the only singular issue is she talks to some parents at pick up but not you I'm not sure what your issue would be around? Does she speak to every other single parent but you (so 10-20-30 parents?) or is it just one or two (who might have children who need talking about)?

You could ruin any future chance of your child having a really good relationship with their teachers if you go in all guns blazing because you're paying a small fortune and don't get a chat at the end of the day.

The teachers at my DC's primary never speak to parents after school unless there is an issue. Maybe you are expecting a bit too much? It's not nursery anymore where they tend to give you a lowdown of the day.

I rarely interact with my daughter's reception teacher. I kind of take a 'no news is good news approach'. My daughter loves her and her classroom assistant and she feels safe there so that's all that matters. I don't expect her teachers to smile at me all the time as they have so much on her plate to deal with so I don't take it personally.

It’s an obvious brush off is what I’m getting at.. I’m not needy but do require some assurance on the odd day as we’ve had a few upsets, so I’d like to check in and actually talk on occasion or when necessary- not
daily, in fact I don’t want to daily! I want to get home..

I think trust needs to be built and a style of communication that is at least a friendly smile, a positive interaction is all I’m asking, not a chat everyday which a
few of you have misinterpreted.. to me, this is not a big ask.. she noticeably does this with other parents is what I am saying..

and although there is no obvious issue here, there is tension..

i have no idea why.. I have been friendly and approachable from the off, as was she at first, but something changed- perhaps I’ll never know so for now I should accept this and move on!!