I've lost my friend to a narcissist

[Thingumabob]

A good friend, one of the very few I have, has started a relationship with a narcissist. There's no doubt in my mind whatsoever that he's a narcissist; he has all the traits: arrogance & utter self-centredness he imagines he conceals behind a facade of likeability and bonhomie that I find sickening. He's helping her in her career, and is also working to separate her from her friends - at least, those who don't buy his BS.

I'm dumbfounded because my friend is the last person I'd ever imagine falling for a narcissist. She's smart, funny, warm - and so emotionally intelligent; 3 months ago I'd have laughed at anyone who suggested she might give this guy the time of day. But he's clearly found a vulnerability, as narcissists do.

My problem is, what do I do? Half of me wants to run 10 miles from all this, but I can't as we all work for the same company. And half of me wants to rescue her, but I can't because she's drunk too much Kool-Aid. I tell her straight he's a narcissist. We've both known him for years, and identified him as a complete asshole, but now she tells me I don't understand him. I've lost my friend, haven't I?

How are you so sure? is this all information from her? or you’ve spent an extensive amount of time with the couple?

Do you have a partner?

Grey rock him. She’ll need a friend. You can hang on in there doing absolutely nothing that draws attention to you.

A true narcissistic person probably wouldn't help in her career you sound very angry and pocesive as opposed to concerned and mourning. If he's helping further something for her is there a chance he's actually separating her from what's been holding her back ?

What has happened that makes you so sure? What's going on with your freind ?

yesterday you posted All my work colleagues knew, and the very few people I count as old friends. Only one colleague rang me once. during the 3 months you had off off sick

So is she a close friend who you really like and it’s reciprocated? or not?

Yeah, I'm married, 3 kids.
I work with this guy, ie same workplace, quite similar roles. I've witnessed his utter arrogance over many years both in work and socially. I would never choose to socialise with him, but there are work 'socials' so it's quite hard to avoid him entirely - I'd be restricting my own social life if I did, and I'm not giving him that control.

He's the guy with the loudest voice, the loudest laugh and the funniest and most interesting stories - you can tell this by the way he interrupts you in the middle of your story and rescues the group from what he's clearly decided no-one wants to hear. The wonder is, how people put up with this behaviour. Most people know he's an arse, but cba to call him out.

why does half of you “wants to run 10 miles away from this”?

because you’re very close friend has been seeing a man you don’t like for a couple of months?

And let’s say he is a narcissist and abusive… your response is to run rather than support your close friend?

Speaks volumes really

The wonder is, how people put up with this behaviour. Most people know he's an arse, but cba to call him out.

what have you done about it out of interest?

i think you’ve confused you thinking he’s “an arse” with being an abusive narcissist

More importantly how have you left yourself available to your freind ?

To start, stop talking to her about him. You dont want to cut her off because she will need you if it goes south. Accept how it makes you feel, it is hard when friendships change like this, and you are allowed to be sad. I have a friend where something similar happened, and although we are able to be friends still, it has changed it. Sad, but nothing I can do about it.

If you carry on insulting him to her she’ll cut you off anyway. I’m not sure what you think you’ll achieve, you’re pushing her towards him by being so rude about her new boyfriend and you’re the one creating a him and her against the world dynamic. Take a huge step back, you’re not her mother, you’re supposed to be her friend and it’s really not your job to diagnose him with anything.

Most people know he's an arse

How do you know this?

This man may be the arse you describe but the easy "diagnoses" of narcissism by people utterly unqualified to make them that crop up practically hourly are wearing. Yes, it's a thing, but being an arse is much more common.

What is he doing to separate her from her friends in your opinion? Basically, he's her choice and if you want to maintain your friendship, you minimise contact with him without slagging him off to her. That will not end well.

Gosh you love a bit of drama don't you?

My problem is, what do I do? Half of me wants to run 10 miles from all this

You do nothing because you don't have a problem.

Butt out of this grown woman's life and stop diagnosing people.

You do nothing. Be kind and a good friend.

Don’t judge her relationship choices because she will not thank you for it. As you said she isn’t stupid so therefore she can make her own mind up. If he’s a a hole she will soon figure that out.

Some people are loud in a crowd but totally different when at home one to one.

Furthering her career? Does that involve a different job or department?

Just be there for her she might need you she might not though he might actually be ok really deep down

@pickledandpuzzled
Had to look up grey rock! And yeah I’ve been doing essentially that to him for years. I’m not scared of him but I am repelled, if that makes sense. I don’t want to spend any more time in his presence than my work role makes necessary, because he’s the sort of person that makes you feel your life is running down a plughole. So the prospect of him being around when i’m trying to see my friend - or hearing her repeat his views, take his side, try to persuade me of his merits - is just doing my head in.

@Beastiesandthebeauty

Oh there is every chance he’s separating her from what’s been holding her back. He’s definitely helping her, and he’s getting adoration in return. This is how narcissistic supply works. I AM angry; angry that a total a-hole is about to destroy one of my longest friendships. Would that not make you angry?

@plumberdrain
She’s a close friend, who I really like, and it is reciprocated, but our relationship takes place almost entirely in the context of our shared workplace. We don't live close to each other. So yes, during my illness we texted but didn’t meet or speak, sadly.

He's the guy with the loudest voice, the loudest laugh and the funniest and most interesting stories - you can tell this by the way he interrupts you in the middle of your story and rescues the group from what he's clearly decided no-one wants to hear. The wonder is, how people put up with this behaviour.

Maybe they agree they need rescuing and they 'put up' with his behaviour because he's a nice, fun guy.

Is your nose out of joint because life moved on while you were off sick?

Sigh

Into 2024 and still NARC is the In Thing on here.!

This

👏

A narcissist would in no way be helping her with HER career.

He doesn’t sound like a narcissist, he just sounds like an annoying man you don’t like. non of what you’ve described is anything bad? He’s helping her with her career? Good.
he’s separating her from her friends. Is he? Or is it hard to spend time with someone who constantly goes on about how your bf is a narc?

why do you think she has no autonomy, the friendship is falling apart and instead of considering you or your friend could be contributing to it, you’re blaming him.

Maybe you’re right but why does she need to agree with you, or you’ve lost your friend?
can’t you just be her friend and if she needs support you’re there, and in the meantime you stop slagging off her bf? You’ve already said what you think, let it go.

This! Just because you don't like someone doesn't mean they need a diagnosis.

@plumberdrain
@Beastiesandthebeauty
I haven’t run; I’m saying, he’s such an arsehole, their relationship makes me want to run. I am trying to support her, but I don’t see how I do that by acquiescing in the BS he feeds her and which she repeats to me - which btw includes lies about me. I tell her straight what I believe is going on; I think she’s making a huge mistake. We have both known this man for many years and, until a few months ago, we completely agreed he was a waste of space.

Yes, I too, have decided not to call him out on his rudeness in the past. It doesn’t get you anywhere, and my main concern has been to have as little to do with him as possible.

I don’t believe I’m wrong about the narcissism; I’ve known a few and he’s got the hallmarks.

@Atethehalloweenchocs
Thank you. I’ve said to her, we need to avoid talking about him, agree to differ. And we do talk about other things, but it feels more like we’re going to end up acquaintances instead of old friends, the honesty has gone. Maybe I’ll get used to that, but I’m sad. And I feel sure he’s going to cause her a world of pain when she gets over the initial attraction. If I’m honest what hurts most is when she tries to get me to see things his way, to accept that his motives in doing X or Y are good. We both know he is a hypocrite and a serial philanderer.

@AnneLovesGilbert
Huge step back taken; that’s what makes me sad. That, and knowing he’ll hurt her.

@ImCamembertTheBigCheese
Known him since 1990s

@TeapotTitties
Ah. It didn’t take long after saying I have a problem for someone to tell me I don’t have a problem. Thanks anyway.

@Uricon2
Take your point about diagnosing narcissism. But my dilemma remains, even if he’s just a non-narcissistic massive arsehole.
Re slagging him off, we’ve both been doing that for years, so I can remain mute of malice now but she’s in no doubt as to how I feel.

@Quitelikeit
Thank you, that seems to be my only sensible course of action.